The fift Chapter.
A notable storie written by Erasmus of two Alcumysts, also of longation and curtation.
HE Eras. in colloq. de arte alcumystica. third example is reported by Erasmus, whose excellent learning and wit is had to this daie in admiration. He in a certeine dialog intituled Alcumystica doth finelie bewraie the knaverie of this craftie art;/255. wherein he proposeth one Balbine, a verie wise, learned, and devout preest, howbeit such a one as was bewitched, and mad upon the art of Alcumystrie. Which thing another cousening preest perceived, and dealt with him in maner and forme following.
M. Doctor BalbineA flattering & clawing preamble. (said he) I being a stranger unto you maie seeme verie saucie to trouble your worship with my bold sute, who alwaies are busied in great and divine studies. To whome Balbine, being a man of few words, gave a nodde: which was more than he used to everie man. But the preest knowing his humor, said; I am sure sir, if you knew my sute, you would pardon mine importunitie. I praie thee good sir John (said Balbine) shew me thy mind, and be breefe. That shall I doo sir (said he) with a good will. You know M. Doctor, through your skill in philosophie, that everie mans destinie is not alike; and I for my part am at this point, that I cannot tell whether I maie be counted happie or infortunate. For when I weigh mine owne case, or rather my state, in part I seeme fortunate, and in part miserable. But Balbine being a man of some surlinesse, alwaies willed him to draw his matter to a more compendious forme: which thing the preest/362. said he would doo, and could the better performe; bicause Balbine himselfe was so learned and expert in the verie matter he had to repeat, and thus he began.
I have had, even from my childhood, a great felicitie in the art of Alcumystrie, which is the verie marrow of all philosophie. Balbine at the naming of the word Alcumystrie, inclined and yeelded himselfe more attentivelie to hearken unto him: marie it was onelie in gesture of bodie; for he was spare of speech, and yet he bad him proceed with his tale. Then said the preest, Wretch that I am, it was not my lucke to light on the best waie: for you M. Balbine know (being so universallie learned)Longation and curtation in Alcumystrie. that in this art there are two waies, the one called longation, the other curtation; and it was mine ill hap to fall upon longation. When Balbine asked him the difference of those two waies; Oh sir said the preest, you might count me impudent, to take upon me to tell you, that of all other are best learned in this art, to whome I come, most humblie to beseech you to teach me that luckie waie of curtation. The cunninger you are, the more easilie you maie teach it me: and therefore hide not the gift that God hath given you, from your brother, who maie perish for want of his desire in this behalfe; and doubtlesse Jesus Christ will inrich you with greater blessings and endowments.
Balbine being abashed partlie with his importunitie, and partlie with the strange circumstance, told him that (in truth) he neither knew what longation or curtation meant; and therefore required him to expound the nature of those words. Well (quoth the preest) since it is your pleasure, I will doo it, though I shall thereby take upon me to teach him that is indeed much cunninger than my selfe. And thus he began: OhNote how the cousener circumventeth Balbine. sir, they that have spent all the daies of their life in this divine facultie, doo turne one nature and forme into another, two waies, the one is verie breefe, but somewhat dangerous; the other much longer, marie verie safe, sure, and commodious. Howbeit, I thinke my selfe most unhappie that have spent my time and travell in that waie which utterlie misliketh me, and/256. never could get one to shew me the other that I so earnestlie desire. And now I come to your worship, whom I know to be wholie learned and expert herein, hoping that you will (for charities sake) comfort your brother,/363. whose felicitie and well doing now resteth onelie in your hands; and therefore I beseech you releeve me with your counsell.
By these and such other words when this cousening varlot had avoided suspicion of guile, and assured Balbine that he was perfect and cunning in the other waie: Balbine his fingers itched, and his hart tickled; so as he could hold no longer, but burst out with these words: Let this curtation go to the divell, whose name I did never so much as once heare of before, and therefore doo much lesse understand it. But tell me in good faith, doo you exactlie understand longation? Yea said the preest, doubt you not hereof: but I have no fansie to that waie, it is so tedious. Why (quoth Balbine) what time is required in the accomplishment of this worke by waie of longation?Faire words make fooles faine, and large offers blind the wise. Too too much said the Alcumyster, even almost a whole yeere: but this is the best, the surest, and the safest waie, though it be for so manie moneths prolonged, before it yeeld advantage for cost and charges expended thereabouts. Set your hart at rest (said Balbine) it is no matter, though it were two yeeres, so as you be well assured to bring it then to passe.
Finallie, it was there and then concluded, that presentlie the preest should go in hand with the worke, and the other should beare the charge, the gaines to be indifferentlie divided betwixt them both, and the worke to be doone privilie in Balbins house. And after the mutuall oth was taken for silence, which is usuall and requisite alwaies in the beginning of this mysterie; Balbine delivered monie to the Alcumyster for bellowes, glasses, coles, &c: which should serve for the erection and furniture of the forge. Which monie the Alcumyster had no sooner fingered, but he ran merilie to the dice, to the alehouse, & to the stewes, and who there so lustie as cousening sir John: who indeed this waie made a kind of alcumysticall transformation of monie. Now Balbine urged him to go about his businesse, but the other told him, that if the matter were once begun, it were halfe ended: for therein consisted the greatest difficultie.
Well, at length he began to furnish the fornace, but now forsooth a new supplie of gold must be made, as the seed and spawne of that which must be ingendred and grow out of this worke of Alcumystrie. For even as a fish is not caught without a bait, no/364. more is gold multiplied without some parcels of gold: and therfore gold must be the foundation and groundworke of that art, or else all the fat is in the fier. But all this while Balbine was occupied in calculating, and musing upon his accompt; casting by arythmetike, how that if one ownce yeelded fifteene, then how much gaines two thousand ownces might yeeld: for so much he determined to emploie that waie.
When the Alcumyst had also consumed this monie, shewing great travell a moneth or twaine, in placing the bellowes, the coles, and such other stuffe, and no whit of profit proceeding or comming thereof: Balbine demanded how the world went, our Alcumyst was as a man amazed./257. Howbeit he said at length; Forsooth even as such matters of importance commonlie doo go forward, wherunto there is alwaies verie difficult accesse. There was (saith he) a fault (which I have now found out) in the choice of the coles, which were of oke, and should have beene of beech. One hundreth duckets were spent that waie, so as the dising house and the stewes were partakers of Balbines charges. But after a new supplie of monie, better coles were provided, and matters more circumspectlie handled. Howbeit, when the forge had travelled long, and brought foorth nothing, there was another excuse found out; to wit, that the glasses were not tempered as they ought to have beene. But the more monie was disbursed hereabouts, the woorsse willing was Balbine Balbine was bewitched with desire of gold, &c. to give over, according to the disers veine, whome frutelesse hope bringeth into a fooles paradise.
The Alcumyst, to cast a good colour upon his knaverie, tooke on like a man moonesicke, and protested with great words full of forgerie and lies, that he never had such lucke before. But having found the error, he would be sure enough never hereafter to fall into the like oversight, and that henceforward all should be safe and sure, and throughlie recompensed in the end with large increase. Hereupon the workehouse is now the third time repaired, and a new supplie yet once againe put into the Alcumysts hand; so as the glasses were changed. And now at length the Alcumyst uttered another point of his art and cunning to Balbine;Notable cousenage. to wit, that those matters would proceed much better, if he sent our Ladie a few French crownes in reward: for the art/365. being holie, the matter cannot prosperously proceed, without the favour of the saints. Which counsell exceedinglie pleased Balbine, who was so devout and religious, that no daie escaped him but he said our Ladie mattens.
Now our Alcumyster having received the offering of monie, goeth on his holie pilgrimage, even to the next village, & there consumeth it everie penie, among bawds and knaves. And at his returne, he told BalbineThe Alcumyster bringeth Balbin into a fooles paradise. that he had great hope of good lucke in his businesse; the holie virgine gave such favourable countenance, and such attentive eare unto his praiers and vowes. But after this, when there had beene great travell bestowed, and not a dram of gold yeelded nor levied from the forge; Balbine began to expostulate and reason somewhat roundlie with the cousening fellowe; who still said he never had such filthie lucke in all his life before, and could not devise by what meanes it came to passe, that things went so overthwartlie. But after much debating betwixt them upon the matter, at length it came into Balbines head to aske him if he had not foreslowed to heare masse, or to saie his houres: which if he had doone, nothing could prosper under his hand. Without doubt (said the cousener) you have hot the naile on the head. Wretch that I am! I remember once or twise being at a long feast, I omitted to saie mine Ave Marie after dinner. So so (said Balbine) no marvell then that a matter of such importance hath had so evill successe. The Alcumyster promised to doo penance; as to heare twelve masses for two that he had foreslowed; and for everie Ave overslipped, to render and repeate twelve to our Ladie.
Soone after this, when all our Alcumysters monie was spent, & also/258. his shifts failed how to come by any more, he came home with this devise, as a man woonderfullie fraied and amazed, pitiouslie crieng and lamenting his misfortune. Whereat Balbine being astonished, desired to knowe the cause of his complaint. Oh (said the Alcumyster) Here the Alcumyster uttereth a notorious point of cousening knaverie. the courtiers have spied our enterprise; so as I for my part looke for nothing but present imprisonment. Whereat Balbine was abashed, bicause it was flat fellonie to go about that matter, without speciall licence. But (quoth the Alcumyster) I feare not to be put to death, I would it would fall out so: marrie I feare least I shall be shut up in some/366. castell or towre, and there shall be forced to tug about this worke and broile in this businesse all the daies of my life.
Now the matter being brought to consultation, Balbine, bicause he was cunning in the art of rhetorike, and not altogither ignorant in lawe, beat his braines in devising how the accusation might be answered, and the danger avoided. Alas (said the Alcumyster) you trouble your selfe all in vaine, for you see the crime is not to be denied, it is so generallie bruted in court: neither can the fact be defended, bicause of the manifest lawe published against it. To be short, when manie waies were devised, and divers excuses alledged by Balbine, and no sure ground to stand on for their securitie; at length the Alcumyster having present want and need of monie, framed his speech in this sort; Sir said he to Balbine, we use slowe counsell, and yet the matter requireth hast. Marke how this Alcumyster goeth frō one degree of cousenage to another.For I thinke they are comming for me yer this time to hale me awaie to prison; and I see no remedie but to die valiantlie in the cause. In good faith (said Balbine) I knowe not what to saie to the matter. No more do I said the Alcumyster, but that I see these courtiers are hungrie for monie, and so much the readier to be corrupted & framed to silence. And though it be a hard matter, to give those rakehels till they be satisfied: yet I see no better counsell or advise at this time. No more could Balbine, who gave him thirtie ducats of gold to stop their mouthes, who in an honest cause would rather have given so manie teeth out of his head, than one of those peeces out of his pouch. This coine had the Alcumyster, who for all his pretenses & gaie gloses was in no danger, other than for lacke of monie to leese his leman or concubine, whose acquaintance he would not give over, nor forbeare hir companie, for all the goods that he was able to get, were it by never such indirect dealing and unlawfull meanes.
Well, yet now once againe dooth Balbine newlie furnish the forge, a praier being made before to our Ladie to blesse the enterprise. And all things being provided and made readie according to the Alcumysters owne asking, & all necessaries largelie ministred after his owne liking; a whole yeare being likewise now consumed about this bootlesse businesse, and nothing brought to passe; there fell out a strange chance, and that by this meanes insuing, as you shall heare./
367.Our Alcumyster forsooth used a little extraordinarie lewd cōpanie with a courtiers wife, whiles he was from home, who suspecting the matter, came to the doore unlooked for, and called to come in, threatning them that he would breake open the doores upon them. Some present devise (you see) was now requisite, and there was none other to be had,/259. but such as the oportunitie offered; to wit, to leape out at a backe window: which he did, not without great hazard, and some hurt. But this was soone blazed abroad, so as it came to Balbines eare, who shewed in countenance that he had heard heereof, though he said nothing. The miledest and softest nature is cōmonlie soonest abused. But the Alcumyster knew him to be devout, & somewhat superstitious: and such men are easie to be intreated to forgive, how great soever the fault be, and devised to open the matter in maner and forme following.
O Lord (saith he before Balbine) how infortunatlie goeth our businesse forward! I marvell what should be the cause. Whereat Balbine, being one otherwise that seemed to have vowed silence, tooke occasion to speake, saieng; It is not hard to knowe the impediment and stop heereof: for it is sinne that hindereth this matter; which is not to be dealt in but with pure hands. Whereat the Alcumyster fell upon his knees, beating his breast, & lamentablie cried, saieng; Oh maister Balbine, you saie most trulie, it is sinne that hath doone us all this displeasure; not your sinne sir, but mine owne, good maister Balbine. Neither will I be ashamed to discover my filthinesse unto you, as unto a most holy and ghostlie father. The infirmitie of the flesh had overcome me, and the divell had caught me in his snare. Oh wretch that I am! Of a preest I am become an adulterer. Howbeit, the monie that erstwhile was sent to our Ladie, was not utterlie lost: for if she had not beene, I had certeinlie beene slaine. For the good man of the house brake open the doore, and the windowe was lesse than I could get out thereat. And in that extremitie of danger it came into my mind to fall downe prostrate to the virgine; beseeching hir (if our gift were acceptable in hir sight) that she would, in consideration thereof, assist me with hir helpe.En immensa cavi spirant mendacia folles. And to be short, I ran to the windowe, and found it bigge enough to leape out at. Which thing Balbine did not onelie beleeve to be true, but in respect therof forgave him, religiouslie admonishing/368. him to shew himselfe thankfull to that pitifull and blessed Ladie.
Now once againe more is made a new supplie of monie, and mutuall promise made to handle this divine matter hence forward purelie and holilie. To be short, after a great number of such parts plaied by the Alcumyster; one of Balbins acquaintance espied him, that knew him from his childhood to be but a cousening merchant; and told Balbine what he was, and that he would handle him in the end, even as he had used manie others: for a knave he ever was, and so he would proove. But what did Balbine,Balbine is ashamed that he should be overshot and overseene in a case of flat cousenage. thinke you? Did he complaine of this counterfet, or cause him to be punished? No, but he gave him monie in his pursse, and sent him awaie; desiring him, of all courtesie, not to blab abroad how he had cousened him. And as for the knave Alcumyster, he needed not care who knew it, or what came of it: for he had nothing in goods or fame to be lost. And as for his cunning in Alcumystrie, he had as much as an asse. By this discourse Erasmus would give us to note, that under the golden name of Alcumystrie there lieth lurking no small calamitie; wherein there be such severall shifts and sutes of rare subtilties and deceipts, as that not onelie welthie men are thereby manie times impoverished, and that with the sweete allurement of this art, through their owne covetousnesse;/260. as also by the flattering baits of hoped gaine: but even wise and learned men hereby are shamefullie overshot, partlie for want of due experience in the wiles and subtilties of the world, and partlie through the softenesse and pliablenesse of their good nature, which cousening knaves doo commonlie abuse to their owne lust and commoditie, and to the others utter undooing.