The xxiiii. Chapter.
Of popish provinciall gods, a comparison betweene them and heathen gods, of physicall gods, and of what occupation everie popish god is.
OW if I thought I could make an end in anie reasonable time, I would begin with our antichristian gods, otherwise called popish idols, which are as ranke divels as Dii gentium1. Reg. 20.
2. Chr. 32.
1. Chr. 16.
Judg. 3.
2. Chr. 33.
2. Reg. 23, &c. spoken of in the psalmes: or as Dii montium set foorth & rehearsed in the first booke of the kings; or as Dii terrarum or Dii populorum mentioned in the second of the Chronicles 32. & in the first of the Chronicles 16. or as Dii terræ in Judges 3. or as Dii filiorum Seir in the second of the Chronicles 25. or as Dii alieni, which are so often mentioned in the scriptures.
Surelie, there were in the popish church more of these in number, more in common, more private, more publike, more for lewd purposes, and more for no purpose, than among all the heathen, either heretofore, or at this present time: for I dare undertake,/527. that for everie heathen idoll I might produce twentie out of the popish church.Popish gods of nations. For there were proper idols of everie nation: as S. George on horssebacke for England (excepting whome there is said to be no more horssemen in heaven save onelie saint Martine) S. Andrew for Burgundie and Scotland, S. Michael for France, S. James for Spaine, S. Patrike for Ireland, S. Davie for Wales, S. Peter for Rome, and some part of Italie. Had not everie citie in all the popes dominions his severall patrone? As Paule for London, Denis for Paris, Ambrose for Millen, Loven for Gaunt, Romball for Mackline, S. Marks lion for Venice, the three magician kings for Cullen,*[* = Cologne] and so of other./378. Yea, had they not for everie small towne,Parish gods or popish idols and everie village and parish,† [† . in text] (the names wherof I am not at leisure to repeat) a severall idoll? As S. Sepulchre, for one; S. Bride, for another; S. All halowes, All saints, and our Ladie for all at once: which I thought meeter to rehearse, than a bedroll‡[‡ = bead—] of such a number as are in that predicament. Had they not hee idols and shee idols, some for men, some for women, some for beasts, and some for fowles, &c? Doo you not thinke that S. Martine might be opposed to Bacchus? If S. Martine be too weake we have S. Urbane, S. Clement, and manie other to assist him. Was Venus and Meretrix an advocate for whoores among the Gentiles? Behold, there were in the Romish church to encounter with them, S. Aphra, S. Aphrodite, and S. Maudline. But insomuch as long Meg was as verie a whoore as the best of them, she had wrong that she was not also canonized, and put in as good credit as they: for she was a gentlewoman borne; whereunto the pope hath great respect in canonizing of his saints. For (as I have said) he canonizeth the rich for saints, and burneth the poore for witches. But I doubt not, Magdalen, and manie other godlie women are verie saints in heaven, and should have beene so, though the pope had never canonized them: but he dooth them wrong, to make them the patronesses of harlots and strong strumpets.
Was there such a traitor among all the heathen idols,See the golden Legend for the life of S. Bridget. as S. Thomas Becket? Or such a whoore as S. Bridget? I warrant you S. Hugh was as good a huntesman as Anubis. Was Vulcane the protector of the heathen smithes? Yea forsooth, and S. Euloge was patrone for ours. Our painters had Luke, our weavers/528. had Steven,He saints & shee saincts of the old stamp with their peculiar vertues touching the curing of diseases. our millers had Arnold, our tailors had Goodman, our sowters had Crispine, our potters had S. Gore with a divell on his shoulder and a pot in his hand. Was there a better horseleech among the gods of the Gentiles than S. Loy? Or a better sowgelder than S. Anthonie? Or a better toothdrawer than S. Apolline? I beleeve that Apollo Parnopeius was no better a ratcatcher than S. Gertrude, who hath the popes patent and commendation therefore. The Thebans had not a better shepherd than S. Wendeline, nor a better gissard to keepe their geese than Gallus. But for physicke and surgerie, our idols exceeded them all. For S. John, and S. Valentine excelled at the falling evill, S. Roch was good at the plague, S. Petronill at the ague. As for S. Margaret, she passed Lucina for a midwife, and yet was but a maid: in which respect S. Marpurge is joined with hir in commission.
For mad men, and such as are possessed with divels, S. Romane was excellent, & frier Ruffine was also pretilie skilfull in that art. For botches and biles, Cosmus and Damian; S. Clare for the eies, S. Apolline for teeth, S. Job for the *pox.* For the Frēch pox or the cōmon kind of pox, or both? This would be knowne. And for sore brests S. Agatha was as good as Ruminus. Whosoever served Servatius well, should be sure to loose nothing: if Servatius failed in his office, S. Vinden could supplie the matter with his cunning; for he could cause all things that were lost to be restored againe. But here laie a strawe for a while, and I will shew you the names of some, which exceed these verie far, and might have beene canonized for archsaints; all the other saints or idols being in comparison of them but bunglers, and bench-whistlers. And with your leave, when all/379. other saints had given over the matter, and the saints utterlie forsaken of their servitors, they repaired to these that I shall name unto you, with the good consent of the pope, who is the fautor, or rather the patrone of all the saints, divels, and idols living or dead, and of all the gods save one. And whereas none other saint could cure above one disease, in so much as it was idolatrie, follie I should have said, to go to Job for anie other maladie than the pox; nothing commeth amisse to these. For they are good at anie thing, and never a-whit nice of their cunning: yea greater matters are said to be in one of their powers, than is in all the other saints. And these are they: S. mo/ther529. Bungie, S. mother Paine, S. Feats,New saints. S. mother Still, S. mother Dutton, S. Kytrell, S. Ursula Kempe, S. mother Newman, S. doctor Heron, S. Rosimund a good old father, & diverse more that deserve to be registred in the popes kalendar, or rather the divels rubrike.