CHAP. XXXII.

He being now by the Relator brought acquainted with the Scrivener, Drugster, and the rest of his Companions; they enter into discourse about the several Factious Religions practised in England.

Thus did our Relator finish his long story, which was so filled with profit, as well as pleasure, that I accounted the time I had spent in hearing him the best bestowed of any: for I gathered so much variety of experiences, that if I had any minde to prosecute my former course of life in cheating and Roguing, I might now soon profess my self to be my Arts-Master, if I did but bravely follow those Examples he had related to me: but if they were any wise improved, as I had a Genius fit enough to be highly active, I might then out-do all Example.

These were my first thoughts, but I had not much time to spend in contemplation: but he having put an end to his discourse, I kindly thanked him for his great freedom used in his relation; and told him, that since he had been so generous to me in unbosoming himself, I in requital did promise him a lasting friendship, and at our first leasure recount some of my life to him, which I had hitherto concealed, that should give him satisfaction that I intended to use an absolute freedom with him.

Thus did we contract a friendship, and it was now time to eat somewhat, the best part of the day having been spent in his long narrative: such as the house afforded we had, and after a repast, we concluded both to go on board of their Ship to finde out his Companions; he resolving to acquaint them with what had passed between us, and to let them know my quality, believing they would be well enough satisfied with what he had done, because they might have great occasion to make use of me.

In this resolution we were preparing to go to the Ship, when the Scrivener and Drugster entred the house, enquiring for their Companion, who presenting himself to them, they desired him to walk out, that they might confer together: No, said he, let us take a Room here and discourse, which we may do with as much freedom as any where else: he urging it, they consented, and having a private Room and necessaries, after a cup or two of Wine I left their company, on purpose to give my friend the Taylor (who was called Gregory) the opportunity of acquainting them with what had passed between us, which I suppose he did in very few words; for within half an hour I was called for, and being kindly saluted by the two Gentlemen, was desired to sit down and make one of their Company. After a Cup or two of Wine more had passed, my friend Gregory Taylor thus spake to me: Friend, I have acquainted these my two Friends and Companions with our late discourse, and by that they know that all their affairs are known to you also; I have told them what I know of you, & we are all sensible that your acquaintance may be very useful and necessary in all things, but much more your friendship: Wherefore, as you say I by my freedom with you have merited your acquaintance and friendship; so I desire the same room in your brest for my Friends, who by me desire it, and in requital you shall command ours; and whatever we have, you shall be equally Master of with our selves.

I made no long pause in replying to them, that they might command my love and friendship, and in that my all, to render them the utmost testimonies that I could. And thus did we all agree to have a friendly correspondence, and to conceal nothing of our affairs one from another. We then drank off some more Wine; and though their two Ladies and the Captain were absent, yet we remembred them in our Cups, and resolved the next day to dine all on board the Ship: and at my importunity I so far prevailed, as that the Women might appear there in their own Female-Habits; for it had now been a long time since I saw any European beauties.

We after this discoursed of many affairs of general consequence, as the manner of the Countries, and Governments both Ecclesiastical and Civil, in which we spent some time: but in regard all that can be said of that matter, is already related in the second Chapter of this second part; I shall therefore here forbear it: but it wrought much upon the spirit of the Drugster; who having formerly been a great stickler in Religion, was amazed that there was so good a correspondence in Religion, which was as he imagined so barbarous: Well, said he, I finde that most places enjoy a greater happiness in their conformities in Religion, then our Native Country of England; for there, instead of Unity and loving Conformity, they are rent and torn in peeces into many Factions; and that hath been the principal occasion of the effusion of so much blood as hath been spilt of late years; and when I left England, there was still a discontented party that was ready on all occasions to attempt a publique mischief for their private interest, and onely to maintain a private self-will’d-fancy, which they term’d Religion.

I my self was for a long time bewitcht with a Fanatick Zeal; and my Master being a man of the same Humour, had instill’d such Principles into me, that I had much ado to have any charity for any person that was in the right: but in time I finding a great deal of strictness in the precise practice, and that under pretence of much Zeal, there was more Covetousness then in any other perswasion; I quitted that perswasion for another, and shifted so long, that I found my life but one continued Comedy of errors. In the end I went over to the Episcopal party, & one of the most powerful reasons that I had to follow the Independant perswasion, was a Woman, my Mistresses Sister, as I suppose you have already heard. Yes, said I, this our friend hath given me satisfaction in that particular, and I very well approve of the revenge you had upon her: and as for my own part, I was once a very great Lover of the Ramble my self, but left it, out of a more generous consideration: for being in company with an Orthodox Parson, he told me that I was much mistaken in my opinions; he gave me such a Character of a Libertine Zealot, as I knew to be true, and wholly put me out of conceit with the Faction: they were now all desirous to hear what was said to that particular; and therefore I told them I would recollect my self, and give them the best account that I could, and such a one as I believed they would conclude with me, was not onely ingenious, but true: and thereupon I began in this manner.

The Character of a Libertine
Zealot.

To describe him right, is a task like that of the Taylor who took measure of the Devil; for there is nothing more like him upon Earth then he: He is lined with Covetousness, and covered with Hypocrisie, the Root and Cloak of all evil. Although at this time he carries a Bible, yet upon occasion he wears a Sword; so that it is hard to say, whether he be of the Tribe of Simeon or Levi. He swallows contrary Oaths faster then the Eagles in the Tower do gobbets of flesh; for the way to Hell, and the Conscience of a Libertine, are two broad things. He condemns the lawful Rites and Ceremonies of the Church; and is more ravished with the squeaking of a Tythe-pig, then with the Musick of Organs.

He appears at his Preachment (like Æsops Crow) in a dress of borrowed feathers; for he preaches the works of other men, which are so much the worse for the coming out of his mouth, as Wares for being of the second hand. But it would grieve your heart to see how he racks the ancient Fathers, when he makes his own confession, and mangles the Modern Divines more barbarously then the Hang-man did the body of Hugh Peters; I am sure poor Priscian gets many a broken head.

His Eloquence consists altogether in rayling, as though he had got his education at Billinsgate. In his discourse he runs on like a Mad-dog, foaming and open-mouth’d, yelping at the Reverend Bishops; and even accounts many of his own Brethren, the Sectaries, as mad as himself. Yet sometimes he perceives that his stuff is too short for the hour-Glass; and then the wheels of his Rhetorick move very heavily: he then spends much time in humming and spitting; and with the wiping of his Nose, makes many a filthy Parenthesis.

As for his Text, he handles that as Moses did his Rod when it was turned into a Serpent, he lays it down, and runs away from it: yet his Sermon lies all written before him; for the poor Copy-holder in Divinity can do nothing without his Notes. This his weakness, he would have you think, is his worth; for he chargeth men of abler parts with presumption: Yet when he prays, he shuts his Eyes, preferring Nonsense and Tautologies before the Divine Lyturgy. Vain Wretch, that dares not speak to men without Papers, and yet presumes to talk to God extempore! As for his Congregation, he Saints or reprobates them, according to what they give him; and like a Gypsie, tells good Fortune to none but those that cross his hand with a piece of silver; and by him, as well as by the Pope, you may be Canonized for mony: Thus he is a meer Balaam, that blesseth and curseth for reward: he that opposeth him, acts the part of an Angel; but he that submits to him is worse then an Ass. If you consider his constancy, he is a kind of Religious Proteus, that is now ready to fawn upon that Power against which he hath so long bark’d. If therefore there be a Church in England which consists of men, surely, The Orthodox, faithful, constant Ministers, are the Doors, Windows, Pillars, Bells and Candlesticks; and the rest serve only for Weathercocks.

It is confessed, that at the beginning of this happy Reformation, he was a little stubborn: perhaps, expecting a second War; but now (poor heart) he hath learned to pray for his Majesty: but (if you could hear the language of his Soul) it is so, as impatient heirs pray for their rich fathers. There are two sorts of men, who having escaped a deserved pair of Gallows, pray for the King very strangely, that is, a Felon, whilst the Executioner burns his hand; and a Traytor, whilst the Devil sears his Conscience.

If you would know his name, you may finde it subscrib’d to an ugly Petition; for where Bradshaw was a Pilate that condemned, he was one of those Jews that cry’d Crucifie. He professes sorrow for the Martyrdom of our late Soveraign; but believe him not, for his hand helped to hale him to the Block. In a word, he is (at best) but a State-Crocodile, and one that is Maudlin-drunk with the Kings blood.

No more, but if you chance to meet with a Hue and Cry, you may tell them, that he was lately in a Sequestred Parsonage.

This Character was hugely pleasing to the Drugster; and indeed, he and his two Companions, the Scrivener, and Gregory the Taylor, did all conclude, that it was very ingeniously true, and gave much satisfaction to them in that particular; and they all agreed, That the Dissenters from the Church, were the Murtherers of their Prince.

They all so well approving of what had been said of these Varlets, I told them that I could likewise relate somewhat else of the same Gentlemans composure, who writ that Character; and which I did conclude to be altogether as ingenious, and that it was a great novelty, having never as yet been in Print: they being earnest in their desires to hear me, I told them it was only the fifth Fable of Æsop Moralized; and thereupon I began as follows:

The Brutes would once go hunt: a nimble Crew

Of those that dwell in Dens and Caves pursue

And take a goodly Stag, who in his fall

Proclaims sufficient booties unto all.

Each Beast being troubled with their hungry maws,

Were urging Clyents to their panting Jaws:

Divide, says one; another cries, Cast lots;

With that, the Lyon Roars, Away ye Scots:

Who’s that who says divide? pray be content,

The first part’s mine, because most excellent;

And but one part! nay, then you do me wrong,

A second part is mine, because most strong;

And if you dare give credit to my word,

Our pain and sweat have merited a third.

Now there remains a fourth, which is but small,

And scarce worth speaking of amongst you all;

Which you may give me willingly; and thus,

Renew the friendship betwixt you and us.

Be wise therefore; is it more safe to move

A Lyons anger, or confirm his love?

For if you shew the least unwillingness,

I’ll make you know the Senior of your Mess.

This said, the Hunters were amaz’d thereat;

They knew their distance, and they durst not prate,

But hung their tails betwixt their legs for shame,

And went away more hungry then they came.

This, said I, was the Fable, which though it had already admitted of many Paraphrases and Morals, yet was never yet in my opinion so fit and aptly moralized, as in what I shall here recite, which I did thus:

But take away the Brutes, and clear the Stage;

Enter those mighty Nimrods of the Age:

That cursed Crew that hunted for a Throne,

And made a Babel in Religion.

Lo here they come, that England did express

To be more brutish than a Wilderness:

A Wide-mouth’d-yelping-cur, with a long ear,

Of a Scotch brood, they call’d him ----:

Cerberus was his Syre, and for his dam

A Beast to whom Adam never gave name.

The solemn Covenant which he did take,

Hung like a pair of Couples on his neck:

The which he soon shook off; nay more, the Dog

Threw by his conscience, 'twas a tedious Clog.

And then began the game: Actæons hounds

Ne'er gave their Master half so many wounds,

As these their King: it was a hellish brood

That took the sent of none but Royal blood.

Loud was their Cry, and nimble was their Race;

A sadder hunting far than Chevy Chase.

But at the length, the Royal Hart they take,

Nor would they spare his life for Cæsars sake;

But he must dye, yet Noble ---- scorns

His share, ---- onely got the Horns.

But like the Lyon, Cromwel, that great man,

Made of Behemoth and Leviathan,

Thus speaks; And do you think, my friends, to share

That Prize in Peace, which I obtain’d in War?

Divide the spoil, and then as General I

Claim the first part due for my Excellency.

A second part our able strength demands;

A third is mine, 'cause these victorious hands

In all those fights wherein we had to do,

Were the most painful and most prosperous too.

Thus our activity, and strength, and worth,

Have won three parts, there onely rests a fourth;

Which we’ll with love accept, but if deny’d,

Our sword shall teach you better to divide.

Thus, as our Saviours Vesture, which might not

Be cut in pieces, was obtain’d by lot:

So our great Charles his power, which could not be

Dissolv’d into an Aristocracie,

Was Tyrant Cromwels share; and now our whips

Were turn’d to Scorpions: Now the grand Eclipse

Began; we saw no Sun for twice seven years,

Onely two fatal Stars by turns appears:

Protectorship, and Rumpship did prevail:

Nol was the Dragons head, and they the tail.

But welcome Charles the Second, happy are we,

That Britain’s Monarchy’s restor’d in thee;

If Cromwels life had put a period to't,

It’d both begun and ended in a Brute.

If they were pleas’d with the foregoing Characters, this Fable thus moralized gave them much more satisfaction, and highly contented them; for the truth contained in it, was undeniable, and it was expressed with much ingenuity, and they told me that certainly he that composed these two things, the Character and Fable, was a person very ingenious, and able to convert any that were seduced in that Faction, unless they were very obstinate, as most of that Faction were: for having been Rebellious to their Prince, they made that saying true, That Rebellion is as the sin of Witchcraft, not to be repented of.

In this discourse of the several Factions in Religion we spent some time; and the Drugster being best acquainted with all of them, made a discourse of every one in particular from top to bottom: and when he came to speak of them, he told us that he supposed there would now in a short time be some end of these growing Factions; Because, said he, that Quakerism is the last that is risen up, and it is now above twelve years since it began to be famous; and though hitherto it encreases, yet they have not found any other novelty from that, as at first there was out of the first Religious faction: but there is none that is produced by the Quaker; so that it is hoped that will be the last of the Factions. I have heard of one small Faction that contradicts the Quakers, and that is one Muggeltons Sect, who together with one Reeve, does pretend to be the two last Witnesses that are to come upon earth. Reeve is some time since dead, but Muggleton surviving him, is a great enemy to the Quakers, and their chief Opponent; for they questioning his Call, he for that cause Damns them; and so absolute he is, that he says, after he hath damn’d them, they cannot be saved, not by Providence it self. He professes in one of his writings, being an Interpretation of the 11 Chapter of the Revelations, That he, and he alone can give a true Interpretation of the Scripture, and unfold the whole Counsel of God, concerning himself, the Devil, and all Mankind from the foundation of the world to all Eternity; and this was never revealed by any of the sons of men, untill now: Thus subscribing his Papers, By Lodowick Muggleton, one of the two last Commissionated Witnesses and Prophets of the only High, Immortal, Glorious God, Christ Jesus.

We told the Drugster that this Sect of Muggletons we had not heard of; and I being very desirous to be further acquainted with this opinion, asked him if he had read his Writings, Yes, said he, and there is as extraordinary matters and opinions handled and treated of therein, as any Sect that this last age hath produced: nay, and more absolute he would make himself then all others; but he more especially writes against the Quakers, in a manner condemning them all in general. I desiring to be more particularly informed of his writings, he granted my request, and proceeded as followeth:

This Book of his writing, said he, falling into the hands of one Edward Bourn a Quaker, is by him despised and cavilled at; for, he said that he had perused it till he was weary with looking into it, for it was one of the dirtiest and confusedst pieces of work that ever he saw: and many other particular cavils had he against it; which Muggleton hearing of, is so much offended, that he writes a Letter to him, dated in August 1662. and there he thus concludes: I write these Lines unto you Edward Bourn, knowing you to be of the seed of the Serpent, and appointed to eternal Damnation before you were born; though you know it not, I do know it, by your speaking evil of that Doctrine which is declared by us the Witnesses of the Spirit, by calling it deceit, confusion, and lies, with many more wicked speeches against the purest truth that ever was declared by Prophet or Apostle, because this is the Commission of the Spirit, and the last Witness of God on Earth.

Therefore, for these your hard sayings against the Doctrine of this Commission of the Spirit; In obedience unto my Commission, I pronounce you cursed and damned, both Soul and Body, from the presence of God, elect men and Angels, to Eternity; neither shall that light within you, nor any God deliver you from this curse, but according to my word it shall be upon you, because you shall know, that God hath given power unto Man to curse you to eternity, and that there is a Prophet of the Lord now in England.

This Letter being thus subscribed, was printed and sent to the said Edward Bourn. Also another to one Samuel Hooker and W. S. both Quakers, wherein amongst other things he thus writes:

First, I declare as I am a Prophet and Messenger of the true God, that the people called Quakers are not the children of the most high God, but for the generality of them, they are children of the Devil, and are the very Seed of the Devil, and were begotten by him; and I (as I am an Ambassador ordained of God by voyce of Words) can as truely say; that they are the Seed of the Serpent, and so the children of the Devil, as Christ did to the Jews, when he said, that they were Serpents, yea Devils, and the Devil was their father. So can I say by you Quakers, and many thousands more as well as you, that you were the children of the Devil, that were begotten by him, and not begotten by Adam, who never came through the loyns of Adam, though they came through the womb of Eve. For this I know, Cain was the first-born of the Devil, and Adam had no part in the begetting of him. And from this Cain came the Jews that Christ called Serpents and Devils.

Much more he writes against the Quakers, and is as absolute in his sentence of Damnation against these two, being almost in the same words as the former. His writings in general are filled with many strange Opinions, and he is now the greatest Enemy of the Quakers, telling them, that they are but some of the melancholy sort of Ranters, and by falling from Ranting to Quaking, are now worse then before; for before they were in the Wilderness, but are now returned back into Egypt, and so the further off from entring into the Land of Canaan: and in one place he is pretty pleasant with the Quakers, for saith he, The greatest things that ever I heard the Quakers do, is to find fault with a piece of Ribbon, Gold-button, or a Bandstring, and such like, and to possess themselves with a melancholly spirit of Witchcraft, and so fall into Witchcraft-fits, to lie humming and groaning, which doth fright the beholders; so instead of those merry-Devils which they had upon the Ranting-score, where all was good, lying with their Neighbours wife, deflowring Virgins, cozening and cheating, and destroying every one in their outward Estate which did entertain them, and now that Devil is cast out, now they are grown in as much extream on the other side; for now they are grown so precise and exact for Apparel and for words, no words must be placed out of joynt, so that no man can almost tell how to deal with them; and this melancholly Devil hath cast out the Ranting Devil, which makes them so proud and stiff-necked, thinking themselves that they are better then other people, when as they are worse; for they are possessed with the Spirit of Witchcraft, which makes them two-fold more the children of the Devil then they were before; which none can discover but this Commission of the Spirit; neither did I ever hear by any which heard the Quakers speak, that they did ever preach any sound Doctrine, but only exhort people to hearken to the light within them, which is a very low & easie thing for every ordinary understanding to comprehend; and this is the cause there is such a multitude of men and women fall into it, &c. And thus did he proceed, his whole writing being to pull them down, and set himself up.

Soon after the Printing of these Letters, I met with a Quaker, an acquaintance of mine, and asked of him whether he had seen these Letters of Muggletons, which went by the name of The Neck of the Quakers broken, or cut in sunder by the two-edg’d sword of the Spirit, which is put into my mouth. He reply’d, Yea he had. What thinkest thou, said I, of those of your perswasion in general, and more particularly of those persons whom he hath damn’d? I think him to be a deluded person, said he, for I have known him long, and also his fellow Prophet Reeve, who is since dead: and I remember this one passage, that one of our perswasion did calmly discourse with Reeve about many principal things of his Judgement and Opinion: and though they did not agree to every thing, yet Reeve said he believed he would be converted, for that he was confident he was of the seed of Faith, and not of that of the Devil; onely that his eyes were not yet opened, but in time they would. And thus they parted.

Soon after Muggleton (who was always more vigilant than Reeve) being affronted by some Quakers, according to his custom pronounced the sentence of damnation against them; which the Quakers who had discoursed with Reeve hearing, and meeting with Muggleton, told him he had done very ill, in being so rash as to damn them: And further, charged him with wandring up and down to make Sects. To this Muggleton replyed; It is not I, it is those of the Quakers that wander up and down; as those that went to New England, and John Perrot unto Rome, to get the Pope and his Bishops to be Disciples of Christ; and there to be punished in his body: and when he came home again, to be damn’d to eternity, by me, for his pains; because he went by the light within him, and was not sent by the voice of God without him: Therefore eternal damnation will be his reward for going without a Commission from God; and so will all the Ministers of the Quakers. And whereas you say that my mouth is full of cursing, and that I shall reap of the same; likewise you say, that I am out of Christs and the Apostles Doctrine, that said, bless and curse not, with many other sayings: As for my mouth being full of cursing, that is my Commission: neither do I curse any but Devils, which are appointed for it of God; and there is never a one that I have cursed, that shall escape that curse which I have denounced upon them; neither will any God deliver them from it: for I do curse none but the Seed of the Serpent, who had his curse denounced upon him and his Seed, at the beginning by God himself.

To this discourse of Muggletons, our Brother the Quaker making some angry reply, in contradicting what he had said, Muggleton did for that cause presently pronounce the sentence of Damnation, alledging that he was of the Seed of the Devil. Thus, said the Quaker, though Reeve said he was not of the Seed of the Devil; yet Muggleton, his fellow-Prophet, said he was, and therefore proceeded against him to damnation. Now whether he be damned or saved, judge you: And therefore, said he, I think it matters not much what he says, because they thus contradict one another.

And thus we parted, and I concluded, that as it was no great matter what Muggleton said or did; so there was no great heed to be taken with what was, or should be said or done by the Quakers: I believing and knowing that what Muggleton had said of them as to their humours, and falling from Ranting to Quaking, and such like particulars, to be true; though I believed him, and all other Factions to be alike deluded and mistaken in the general.

And, continued he, though this Muggletons opinions and Doctrine be thus strange, and he a very inconsiderable unlearned fellow, being by Profession a Taylor; yet he hath gained many to his belief, who give him much respect; but he takes no money of them, onely he gets his writings printed, and distributing them among his people, they pay him for them: but in the main, he works at his Trade for a lively-hood: and he hath, as well as the Quakers, suffered Imprisonment, but hath been released and favoured, as I have heard, by some persons of Honour, who are well-willers to him.

Thus did the Drugster discourse of the Factions, and we with him did hope and conclude, that since there was no greater a growth in faction, there having been no new ones for some years last past, that it was more then probable that they would consume and moulder away of themselves.

The forenoon being spent wholly in the large Narrative of the Adventures of my now fellow-Companions and Guests, and the most of the afternoon in this Discourse, it was time now to think of parting; and they being mindful of the entertainment they were to give me the next day on board of their Ship, being out of my house furnished with some necessary provisions, all parted from me.