FOOTNOTES:
[87] i.e., Recommended.
[88] Ever while you live, 'tis your first rule in We'sh grammars, which is clearly a reply to Moll's remark, has been hitherto very absurdly made a part of Randall's letter, which begins only at That hur forsake, &c.
[89] On the banks of the river Thames, formerly used for a laystall for the soil of the streets, and much frequented by barges and lighters for taking the same away; also for landing corn and other goods.—"Stowe's Survey," bk. iii., p. 229, vol. i edit 1720.
[90] [The cant meaning of aunt at that time was procuress. See Dyce's Middleton, i. 444. The word in this acceptation is not unusual.]
[91] [See Hazlitt's "Proverbs," 1869, p. 149. To be wrapped in his mother's smock is a synonym for good fortune.]
[92] In the 4o it runs Enter Chambermaid, Hugh with a bandbox: probably Hugh, though he says nothing, carried the box for the maid. Mr. Reed made the change.—Collier.
[93] See note to "The Miseries of Enforced Marriage," [ix. 572.]
[94] [Old copy, many minds.]
[95] To make one's-self unready was the common term for undressing. See several instances in Mr Steevens's note on the "First Part of King Henry VI.," act ii. sc. 1.
[96] In the old copy, the dialogue is here confused, what is said by Alexander being given to the widow, and what is said by the widow to Jarvis.—Collier.
[ACT V., SCENE I.]
Enter Sim and John, passing over with a basin of rosemary[97] and a great flagon with wine.
Sim. Come, John, carry your hand steadily; the guests drop in apace, do not let your wine drop out.[98]
John. 'Tis as I told thee; Master Alexander, thy mistress' eldest son will be here.
Sim. Rose, I pray burn some pitch i' th' parlour, 'tis good against ill airs; Master Alexander will be here. [Exeunt.
Enter Old Bloodhound and Jarvis.
Blood. I am up before you, son Ear-lack. Will Ancient Young be here with a rich wife too? Thy mistress is not stirring yet, sirrah. I'll hold my life the baggage slipped to thy mistress; there they have e'en locked the door to them, and are tricking up one another: O these women! But this rogue Tim, he lay out to-night too; he received my hundred mark, and (I fear) is murdered. Truss, truss, good Jarvis.
Jar. He has been a-wooing, sir, and has fetched over the delicatest young virgin! Her father died but a week since, and left her to her marriage five thousand pound in money and a parcel of land worth three hundred per annum.
Blood. Nay, nay, 'tis like; the boy had ever a captivating tongue to take a woman. O excellent money, excellent money, mistress of my devotions! My widow's estate is little less too; and then Sander—he has got a moneyed woman too; there will be a bulk of money. Tim is puling, I may tell thee, one that by nature's course cannot live long: t'other a midnight surfeit cuts off: then have I a trick to cosen both their widows, and make all mine. O Jarvis, what a moneyed generation shall I then get upon thy mistress?
Jar. A very virtuous brood.
Blood. Hast done?
Jar. I have done, sir.
Blood. I'll in and get some music for thy mistress, to quicken her this morning; and then to church in earnest. When 'tis done, where is Sir Nicholas Nemo and his wards.[99]
That watch so for her? Ha, ha, ha! all's mixed with honey:
I have mirth, a sweet young widow, and her money.
O that sweet saint, call'd Money! [Exeunt.
Enter Alexander, Widow, Ancient, Moll, and Sim.
Anc. Joy! ay, and a hundred pound a year in a black box to the bargain, given away i' th' dark last night to we know not who, and to be heard of, we know not when. 'Sfoot, an' this be joy, would we had a handsome slice of sorrow to season it.
Alex. By this light, 'twas strange.
Moll. Believe me, sir, I thought I had given it you: he that took it called me by my name.
Sim. Did he speak Welsh or English?
Moll. Alas! I know not; I enjoined him silence, seeing the watch coming, who parted us.
Sim. If this were not Master Randalls of Randall Hall, that I told you of, I'll be flayed.
Alex. Be masked, and withdraw awhile; here comes our dad. [Exeunt.
Enter Bloodhound, Sir Marmaduke Many-Minds, Sir Janus Ambidexter, and Master Busy.
Blood. Why, Master Busy, asleep as thou stand'st, man!
Sim. Some horse taught him that; 'tis worth god-a-mercy.[100]
Con. I watch all night, I protest, sir; the compters pray for me: I send all in, cut and long tail.[101]
Sir Mar. What, what?
Con. I sent twelve gentlewomen, our own neighbours, last night, for being so late but at a woman's labour.
Blood. Alas, sir! a woman in that kind, you know, must have help.
Con. What's that to me? I am to take no notice of that: they might have let her alone till morning, or she might have cried out some other time.
Sir Mar. Nay, nay, Master Busy knows his place, I warrant you.
Enter Alexander, Ancient Young, Widow, and Moll.[102]
Blood. Son Alexander, welcome; and Ancient Young too: I have heard all.
Alex. You must pardon the rudeness of the gentlewomen, sir, in not unmasking; they entreated me to inform you, there are some i' th' house to whom they would by no means be laid open.
Blood. They are witty, they are witty.
Alex. But, for myself, I am now your most obedient, virtuous Alexander.
Blood. Obedience! hang Virtue, let her starve. Has she money? has she money?
Alex. Two chests of silver and two Utopian trunks[103] full of gold and jewels.
Blood. They are all Alexander's women, do you mark?
Sim. Alexander was the conqueror, sir?
Blood. Come, come, we'll to church presently. Prythee, Jarvis, whilst the music plays just upon the delicious close, usher in the brides, the widow, and my Moll. [Exit Jarvis.
Sim. I tell you true, gallants, I have seen neither of them to-day. Shall I give him the lie?
Blood. They are both locked up, i' faith, trimming of one another. O these women, they are so secret in their business, they will make very coxcombs of us men, and do 't at pleasure too. 'Tis well said, friends; play, play. Where's Sim?
Anc. How he bestirs him!
Alex. Yes, he will sweat by and by.
Sim. Here is the sign of Sim, sir.
Blood. Have the guests rosemary without?
Sim. They have Rose the cookmaid without; but they say you have Mistress Mary within.
Alex. Well said, rascal.
Blood. Mary's above, goodman blockhead. Call my son, Ear-lack, bid him for shame make haste.
Sim. He shall make haste for shame. [Exit.
Blood. I am so busied; you must bear with me, gentlemen: they leave it all to me here.
Con. But I will go charge some of the inferior guests, in the king's name, to fill some wine.
Blood. No, no, good Master Busy; we will first usher the brides.
Enter Sim.
Sim. O gentlemen, where are you? Where are you? Where are you, gentlemen?
Omnes. What's the matter?
Blood. Where's Moll, Sim? the widow, Sim, the dainty widow?
Sim. There's no Moll; there is no dainty young widow; but a damnable bawd we found abed, with a face like an apple half-roasted.
Omnes. How's this?
Blood. Why, gentlemen!
Anc. Now it works.
Blood. Jarvis, you're a rogue: a cutpurse, Jarvis. Run, Sim, call my son Ear-lack: he shall put her into the spiritual court for this.
Sim. Nay, he has put her in there already, for we found him abed with her.
Omnes. Possible!
Blood. Ha, boys! the informer and the bawd, the bawd and the informer have got a devil betwixt them, gentlemen.
Sim. Nay, sir, the jest was, that they should fall asleep together, and forget themselves; for very lovingly we found them together, like the Gemini, or the two winter mornings met together. Look, look, look, where they come, sir, and Jarvis between 'em—just like the picture of knavery betwixt fraud and lechery.
Enter Jarvis, Ear-lack, and Mistress Coote.
Jar. Tim is a puling sirrah, I may tell it thee: a midnight surfeit too may cut off Sander; I'll cosen their wives, make all mine own; and then, O Jarvis, what a moneyed generation shall I get upon this Widow Coote that hath two teeth!
Blood. Did we bring you to music, with a mischief? Ear-lack, thou'rt a goat; thou hast abused the best bed in my house; I'll set a sumner[104] upon thee.
Ear. Bloodhound, thou art a usurer, and takest forty in the hundred; I'll inform against thee.
Blood. Are you a bawd, huswife, ha?
Mis. Coote. Alas, sir! I was merely conied, betrayed by Jarvis; but as I have been bawd to the flesh, you have been bawd to your money; so set the hare-pie against the goose-giblets, and you and I are as daintily matched as can be, sir.
Blood. Sim, run to the Widow Wag's; tell her we are both abused; this Jarvis is a juggler, say.
Anc. I can save Sim that labour, sir. I assure you the widow is married to your son Alexander, and, as a confirmation, she is come herself to witness it. [Discovers.
Alex. Your fair young daughter is wife to this Ancient, who is come likewise to witness it.
Wid. The plain truth is, Master Bloodhound, I would entreat you to keep the kennel: the younger dog, being of the better scent, has borne the game before you.
Alex. We have clapped hands on't, sir; and the priest that should have married you to her is to marry her to me: so, sister, talk for yourself.
Blood. Ha, brave tricks and conceits! Can you dance, Master Ear-lack?
Ear. Ha, ha! the old man's a little mad. But thou art not married, Moll?
Moll. Yes, indeed, sir, and will lie with this gentleman soon at night. Do you think I would chew ram-mutton when I might swallow venison? That's none of Venus's documents, Monsieur Dotterel.
Ear. Pox of that Venus! she's a whore, I warrant her.
Blood. And were not you the other juggler with Jarvis in this, hey? pass and repass!
Alex. Good sir, be satisfied; the widow and my sister sung both one song, and what was't, but Crabbed age and youth cannot live together.[105] Now we persuaded them, and they could not live together, they would never endure to lie together; this consequently descended, there was the antecedent: we clapped hands, sealed lips, and so fell unto the relative.
Sim. This was your bargain upon the exchange, sir, and because you have ever been addicted to old proverbs and pithy saws, pray let me seal up the mistake with one that will appear very seasonably.
Blood. And I pray let's hear it, sir.
Sim. You, a new-fangled fowler, came to show your art i' th' dark; but take this truth, you catched in truth a cuckoo for't.
Enter Tim and Sue.
Blood. Heyday, we are cheated by the rule, i' faith. Now, sirrah, they say you are to be married too.
Tim. Yes, indeed, father, I am going to the business; and, gentlemen all, I am come, whether you will or no, to invite you all to my marriage to this gentlewoman who, though a good face needs no mask, she's masked, to make a man think she has a scurvy face, when I know she has a good face. This is sack to them, and out of their element.
Blood. But, sirrah, setting aside marriages, where's my hundred marks you went to receive?
Tim. Hum!—upon such a match of mine, talk of a hundred marks! this is to drink ignoble four-shillings beer. A hundred marks! why your lawyer there can clear such a trifle in a term, and his clients ne'er the better.
Blood. Such a match! I pray discover her; what is she?
Tim. What is she! here's my brother knows what she is well enough. Come hither, Dab, and be it known unto you, her name is Lindabrides, descended from the Emperor Trebatio of Greece, and half-niece, some six-and-fifty descents, to the most unvanquished Clarindiana.
Alex. Who's this? Pox on't! what makes that bawd yonder? [Unmasks her.
Con. I am very much deceived if I did not send this gentlewoman very drunk t'other night to the Compter.
Tim. I tell thee, prattling constable, 'tis a lie: Lindabrides a drunkard!
Alex. Harkee, brother, where lies her living?
Tim. Where? why, in Greece.
Alex. In grease.
Sim. She looks as if she had sold kitchen-stuff.
Alex. This is a common whore, and you a cheated coxcomb. Come hither, you rotten hospital, hung round with greasy satin; do not you know this vermin?
Mis. Coote. I winked at you, Sue, and you could have seen me: there's one Jarvis, a rope on him, h' has juggled me into the suds too.
Con. Now I know her name too: do not you pass under the name of Sue Shortheels, minion?
Sue. Go look, Master Littlewit. Will not any woman thrust herself upon a good fortune when it is offered her?
Blood. Sir Marmaduke, you are a justice of peace; I charge you in the king's name, you and Master Ambidexter, to assist me with the whore and the bawd to Bridewell.
Sir Mar. By my troth, we will, and we shall have an excellent stomach by that time dinner's ready.
Amb. Ay, ay, away with them, away with them!
Mis. Coote. O this rogue Jarvis!
[Exeunt Coote and Shortheels.
Blood. Now, now, you look like a melancholy dog, that had lost his dinner; where's my hundred marks now, you coxcomb?
Tim. Truly, father, I have paid some sixteen reckonings since I saw you: I was never sober since you sent me to the devil yesterday; and for the rest of your money, I sent it to one Captain Carvegut. He swore to me his father was my Lord Mayor's cook, and that by Easter next you should have the principal and eggs for the use, indeed, sir.
Blood. O rogue, rogue! I shall have eggs for my money:[106] I must hang myself.
Sim. Not before dinner, pray, sir; the pies are almost baked.
Enter Randall.
Ran. And Maries now was won,
And all her pusiness done,
And Randalls now was run;
Hur have made all sure, I warrant hur.
Alex. Look, look, yonder's the conceit the mistake happened upon last night.
Anc. And the very box at's girdle.
Ran. Cot pless hur father Ploothounds, Randalls have robbed Ancients, hur warrant hur.
Anc. Sir, 'tis known how you came by that box.
Ran. Augh! was hur so?
Will you hear a noble Pritain,
How her gull an English Flag?[107]
Anc. And you ought to cry.
Ran. O noble Randalls, as hur meet by Nag's-head, with Maries plood, prave.
Blood. Here's another madman.
Anc. Harkee in your ear, you must deliver that box to me.
Ran. Harkee in hur t'other ear, hur will not deliver hur, and hur were nine-and-forty Ancients, and five-and-fourscore Flags.
Anc. Let my foe write mine epitaph if I tear not my birthright from thy bosom? [Draws.
Sim. Gentlemen, there's Aligant[108] i' th' house, pray set no more abroach.
Ran. Nay, let hur come with hur pack of needles, Randalls can pox and bob as well as hur, hur warrant hur.
Blood. What box is that? I should know that box.
Alex. I will resolve you, sir; keep them asunder.
Anc. You will restore that box?
Ran. Hur will not restore hur: 'twas Mary Ploodhounds gave hur the box; Randalls have married Mary Ploodhounds, and gulled Ancient, mark hur now.
Wid. Mark him, good sir; methinks he says he has married Mary Bloodhound.
Anc. Hang him, he's mad!
Ran. Souns, make tog of Randalls? come out here, Maries. Look, here was Mary Ploodhounds.
Enter Maid and Hugh.
Now I pray tumble down of hur marrow-pones, and ask hur father plessing?
Alex. This! why this is your maid, widow.
Ear. This is Mary the widow's maid, man.
Alex. And here is Mary Bloodhound, my choleric shred of Cadwallader, married to this gentleman, who has a hundred a year dangling at your girdle there.
Wid. I pray, mistress, are you married to this gentleman?
Maid. By six i' th' morning, forsooth: he took me for Mary Bloodhound, having, it seems, never seen either of us before, and I being something amorously affected, as they say, to his Welsh ditties, answered to her name, lay with him all night, and married him this morning; so that as he took me for her, I took him as he was, forsooth.
Sim. She means for a fool; I'm fain to answer you.
Blood. Ha, ha, ha! Cupid, this twenty-four hours, has done nothing but cut cross-capers.
Alex. Do ye hear, Sir Bartholomew Bayard,[109] that leap before you look? it will handsomely become you to restore the box to that gentleman, and the magnitude of your desires upon this dainty, that is so amorously taken with your ditties.
Ran. Hur wail[110] in woe, her plunge in pain.
And yet, by cat, her do not neither. Randalls will prove hurself Pritains born, and because hur understands Ancients was prave fellows and great travellers, there is hur box for hur.
Anc. I thank you.
Ran. And because was no remedies, before hur all, here will Randalls embrace Maries, and take a puss. [Kisses.
Enter Jarvis brave.
Jar. Save you, gallants, do you want any guest?
Call me thy coz, and carry it handsomely.
[To the Widow.
Blood. Who have we here, trow?
Alex. Dost thou know the gentleman that whispered to thee?
Wid. O, wondrous well! He bid me call him coz, and carry it handsomely.
Jar. Widow, would I were off again.
Wid. Know, all: this gentleman has, to obtain his lust and loose desires, served me this seven months under the shape and name of Jarvis.
Omnes. Possible!
Wid. Look well; do you not know him?
Blood. The very face of Jarvis.
Tim. Ay truly, father, and he were anything like him, I would swear 'twere he.
Jar. I must cast my skin, and am catch'd.
Why, coz.
Wid. Come, you're cosen'd,
And with a noble craft. He tempted me
In mine own house, and I bid him keep's disguise
But till this morning, and he should perceive
I loved him truly; intending here before you
To let him know't, especially i' th' presence
Of you, sir, that intend me for your wife.
Anc. What should this mean?
Alex. Some witty trick, I warrant thee: prythee, despatch him presently, that we were at church!
Wid. First, then, know you for truth, sir, I mean never to marry.
Blood. How, woman?
Sim. She has despatched you, sir!
Wid. And for a truth, sir, know you, I never mean to be your whore.
Blood. This is strange.[111]
Wid. But true, as she, whose chaste, immaculate soul
Retains the noble stamp of her integrity
With an undefac'd perfection—perchance as these.
Nay, common fame hath scattered, you conceive me,
Because pale Jealousy (Cupid's angry fool)
Was frequent lodger at that sign of Folly—
My husband's soon suspicious heart—that I,
In a close-clouded looseness, should expose him
To that desperate distraction of his fortunes
That sent him to the sea, to nourish her
With your vain hope, that the fame of frequent suitors
Was but a mask of loose 'scapes: like men at lotteries,
You thought to put in for one, sir; but, believe me,
You have drawn a blank.
Ran. By cat, hur look fery blank indeed.
Wid. O my beloved husband!
However in thy life thy jealousy
Sent thee so far to find death, I will be
Married to nothing but thy memory!
Alex. But shall the pies be spoiled then?
Jar. Let her alone, if her husband do not know this——
Omnes. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Blood. Her husband, I told you, was a madman.
Anc. Why, her husband's dead, sir.
Jar. He is not dead, sir; he had it spread o' purpose; he is in England, and in your house; and look, do you not see him?
Wid. Where, where?
Jar. Here, here he is that hath found rash jealousy,
Love's joys, and a wife whose discreet carriage
Can intimate to all men a fair freedom,
And to one be faithful. Such a wife I prove,
Her husband's glory, worth a wealthy love.
Wid. You're welcome to my soul, sir.
Blood. By my troth, Master Wag, this was a wag's trick indeed; but I knew I knew you; I remembered you a month ago, but that I had forgotten where I saw you.
Sim. I knew you were a crafty merchant;[112] you helped my master to such bargains upon the Exchange last night: here has been the merriest morning after it.
Alex. My pitcher's broke just at the well-head; but give me leave to tell you, sir, that you have a noble wife, and indeed such a one as would worthily feast the very discretion of a wise man's desire. Her wit ingeniously waits upon her virtue, and her virtue advisedly gives freedom to her wit; but because my marriage shall seriously proceed, I wed myself, sir, to obedience and filial regularity, and vow to redeem, in the duty of a son, the affection of a father.
Ran. By cat, was as well spoke as Randall hurself could talk.
Blood. All's forgotten now, my best son Alexander;
And that thy wedding want no good company,
I invite you all.
Jar. Come, my deserving wife,
Wisdom this day re-marries us. And, gentlemen,
From all our errors we'll extract this truth:
Who vicious ends propose,[113] they stand on wheels,
And the least turn of chance throws up their heels;
But virtuous lovers ever green do last,
Like laurel, which no lightening can blast.