SCENE V.
Enter Captain Quartfield beating Roseclap; Salewit and Millicent labouring to part them.
Quart. Sirrah, I'll beat you into air.
Rose. Good captain!
Quart. I will, by Hector.
Rose. Murder, murder, help!
Quart. You needy, shifting, cosening, breaking slave.
Mil. Nay, Master Salewit, help to part 'em.
Sale. Captain!
Quart. Ask me for money? dog!
Rose. O, I am kill'd!
Mil. Help, help!
Sale. Nay, captain.
Quart. Men of my coat pay!
Mil. I'll call in neighbours. Murder, murder!
Quart. Rascal,
I'll make you trust, and offer me petitions
To go o' th' score.
Rose. Good: 'tis very good.
Mil. How does thy head, sweetheart?
Rose. Away, be quiet, Millicent.
Sale. Roseclap, you'll never leave this: I did tell you,
Last time the captain beat you, what a lion
He is, being ask'd for reckonings.
Mil. So you did,
Indeed, good Master Salewit; yet you must
Ever be foolish, husband.
Sale. What if we
Do owe you money, sir; is't fit for you
To ask it?
Rose. Well, Sir, There Is Law. I Say
No more, but there is law.
Quart. What law, you cur?
The law of nature, custom, arms, and nations,
Frees men of war from payments.
Rose. Yes, your arms, captain; none else.
Quart. No soldiers ought to pay.
Sale. Nor poets:
All void of money are privileged.
Mil. What would you have?
Captains and poets, Master Salewit says,
Must never pay.
Sale. No, nor be ask'd for money.
Rose. Still, I say, there is law.
Quart. Say that again,
And, by Bellona, I will cut thy throat.
Mil. You long to see your brains out.
Quart. Why, you mongrel,
You John-of-all-trades, have we been your guests
Since you first kept a tavern; when you had
The face and impudence to hang a bush
Out to three pints of claret, two of sack,
In all the world?
Sale. After that, when you broke,
Did we here find you out, custom'd your house,
And help'd away your victuals, which had else
Lain mouldy on your hands?
Rose. You did indeed,
And never paid for't. I do not deny,
But you have been my customers these two years;
My jack went not, nor chimney smok'd without you.
I will go farther; your two mouths have been
Two as good eating mouths as need to come
Within my doors; as curious to be pleased,
As if you still had eaten with ready money;
Had still the meats in season; still drank more
Than your ordinary came to.
Sale. And your conscience now
Would have this paid for?
Rose. Surely, so I take it.
Sale. Was ever the like heard?
Quart. 'Tis most unreasonable;
He has a harden'd conscience. Sirrah cheater,
You would be question'd for your reckonings, rogue.
Rose. Do you inform?
Quart. I hear one o' th' sheriffs
Paid for the boiling of a carp a mark.
Sale. Most unheard-of exactions!
Rose. Yet surely, captain,
No man had cheaper reckonings than yourself
And Master Salewit here.
Quart. How cheap?
Rose. I say
No more, good captain; not to pay is cheap,
A man would think.
Quart. Sir, don't you reckon air,
And make it dear to breathe in your house, and put
The nose to charges?
Rose. Right; perfum'd air, captain.
Quart. Is not the standing of the salt an item,
And placing of the bread?
Rose. A new way, captain.
Quart. Is not the folding of your napkins brought
Into the bill?
Rose. Pinch'd napkins, captain, and laid
Like fishes, fowls, or faces.
Sale. Then remember
How you rate salads, Roseclap; one may buy
Gardens as cheap.
Rose. Yes, Master Salewit, salads
Taken from Euclid, made in diagrams,
And to be eaten in figures.
Quart. And we must pay for your inventions, sir?
Rose. Or you are damn'd:
Good captain, you have sworn to pay this twelvemonth.
Quart. Peace! you loud, bawling cur; do you disgrace me
Before these gallants? See if I don't kill you.