FOOTNOTES:
[73] [See Hazlitt's "Proverbs," 1869, 275.]
[74] [Old copy, what.]
[ACT II.]
Enter Zoranzo, as in prison.
Zor. Sure, 'tis not kind of those great pow'rs above,
To add these chains to me that am in love.
As to my bed of straw, I am content,
Since any bed from her is punishment.
To lie on down of swans would be hard rest,
Could I not make my pillow on her breast.
O Amarissa, wert thou here with me,
I would not sell these bonds for liberty.
Ransoms that prisoners give to be set free,
I'd give as much to lie in chains by thee.
Here is her picture. O, thou too like shade,
[Pulls out her picture.
To look on it my eyes are half afraid,
It so presents my joy and misery;
Since 'tis the nothing of that all to me.
The greatest pain to any lover's heart,
Is to remember when they are apart;
For thoughts of joys, when there's a bar betwixt,
Are worse than poison with a cordial mix'd.
Enter Amphelia and Jailor.
Amph. Well said, jailor, here's for thy pains. Brave pris'ner,
Perhaps this visit may appear but strange
To you, till you have heard me speak—Know then,
When you receiv'd the sentence of your death, you seem'd
To meet it with so brave a soul, as if
The sound had not displeas'd your ears. Thus did
Your courage fill my eyes with wonder, and
My heart with pity.
Straight I resolv'd to give you all my helps
To set you free, which now I offer to
You.
Zor. Madam, could I tell you what to say I
Wou'd begin; I have nothing but poor thanks
To offer to you, and those, though millions, were
Not half enough. Compassion shown unto
The miserable heaven can only recompence;
Therefore, in my dying prayers, I will beg from thence
A blessing to reward your pity.
Amph. Sir,
The joy of your escape will pay my pains;
All my endeavours I will set at work:
The time is short, therefore I must make haste.
Expect to hear of me again with speed.
Enter Ortellus, as she is going out.
Zor. What can this mean? heaven grant she does not
Love me; I wou'd not wish so brave a heart
So great a punishment, since my love's fix'd already.
Ort. Madam, I have been seeking you; pray, whence
Came you? This is no usual place to find you
In.
Amph. I was only walking this way, sir.
Ort. I'll wait on you presently.—I suspect
She has been at the prison; I will inform
Myself by the jailor; and yet perhaps
She has bid him to deny it. [Steps back to the Jailor.
The lady
Amphelia says she has left one of
Her gloves behind her in the prison, and
Has sent me for it.
Jail. I'll go see straight, sir.
Ort. She has been there, it seems, then. Madam, I
Fancy you have been to see the prison.
Amph. Who, I?
What makes you think so?
Ort. Why, am I mistaken?
Amph. Yes; what should I do there?
Ort. Nay, that's the question,
But there you have been just now, and with the
Pris'ner too.
Amph. Sure, you dream.
Ort. She's false, I find:
I'll try her love to me. [Aside.
Madam, since you
Have been pleased to show your kindness publicly
To me, I take this time to beg my happiness,
Which is, that a priest may join our hands.
Amph. I will not marry yet.
Ort. Why, pray, madam?
Amph. For a very good reason, because I ha'n't
A mind to't.
Ort. Will you give me another reason?
Amph. I need not: that's sufficient.
Ort. You love me, do you not?
Amph. You know I have declar'd it.
Ort. But (sure) you'll not deny me twice?
Amph. Not, if you ask but once.
Ort. Fie, fie, this modesty's a thief to lovers,
And robs them of their time. Come, come,
Say aye, and blush.
Amph. I'll not say aye, nor blush.
Ort. If you had any modesty, you wou'd.
Amph. You said
Just now I had too much.
Ort. Too much
Of impudence, you mean.
Amph. What's that to say?
Ort. Why, truth.
Amph. Get you out, and wash your tongue:
'Tis foul.
Ort. 'Tis like you heart then,
But that it cannot lie as much.
Amph. Most valiant lord,
To give the lie to petticoats!
Ort. Why did you
Deny your being in prison?
Amph. Not for fear of you;
I was with the brave prisoner,
What then?
Ort. You went to make love to him.
You had best use your time well; 'twill
Be short and sweet: your dear will not be so
Proper a man by the head within this
Two days. False woman! you've a heart that flies
From one man's breast to another: all the
Inconstancy of your sex is constancy
To this of yours: you have deceived the duke
Already; that might have been my warning.
Amph. Faith, and so
It might; th' duke in all things so far excels
You, that you were a fool to think, when once
My heart bid him farewell, that it design'd
No better a change than you. Troth, your mistaken;
It had a farther journey to make, and so
Took your breast for an inn only, to lie
By the way.
Ort. Base woman! is't not enough that you
Have fool'd me, but you must mock me too? Heaven
Hold my hand from murdering thee!
Amph. Fright those that fear you. [Exit.
Ort. Curses of all fool'd men (like me) light heavy
On thee! Revenge begins to fill my heart,
And I will pour it out on this base woman.
I know the way: I'll to the duke.
Enter Duke.
I am
Glad I have met your highness, for I have
Business to impart to you that concerns your life.
Duke. What is't, Ortellus?
Ort. Know, sir,
Amphelia, that——
Duke. Loves you?
Ort. No, sir, she loves
The pris'ner.
Duke. 'Tis impossible.
Ort. 'Tis very true, sir,
I caught her coming from him! she's designing
His escape, and for aught I know, her love
To him may put other thoughts into her head.
Ort. She may design your life;
A woman that is ill, exceeds a man
In mischief.
Duke. My lord, I thank your care. If you
Can track her farther, pray let me know; in the
Meantime I shall prevent her ill intentions.
Ort. My diligence shall not be wanting. So,
Since I can have no love, revenge shall be
My mistress. [Aside. Exit.
Duke. O Amphelia! why dost
Thou take such pains to break my heart, when 'tis
So easily done? She needs not secretly
Contrive my death, since half a word from her
Commands my life: her face and heart (sure) can
Not be akin; nature mistook, or else
She was to blame to give one woman two
So great extremes.
Enter Arbatus.
See, here comes the brother
To wronged Artabella: th' horror of
That sin grows bigger in me,
That I with a deluding love should fool
An innocent, to show an outward scorn
To false Amphelia; for when I heard
She lov'd
Ortellus, I straight made love to this young
Woman, and brought her from her own country,
Only to make Amphelia think I lov'd
Another.
Arb. I hope I don't disturb your highness.
Duke. No, Arbatus, you are always welcome
To me.
Arb. Sir, I should ask you a question.
Duke. You freely may.
Arb. Not but
I think my sister far unworthy, either
In birth or fortune, to be call'd your wife;
Yet since you have been pleas'd to grace her with
Your love so far, as saying she shall be your
Duchess, be pleas'd to tell me why it is
Not so? she has been here so long, that people
Now begin to say you mean her for your mistress;
Should my ears meet that sound from any tongue,
I'd——
Duke. Hold, Arbatus, I'm sure I have given
No cause as yet to doubt my kindness to
Your sister.
Arb. Pardon me, sir, in your delay you have.
My sister has no dowry but her virtue,
Youth, and some small stock of beauty. These if
You lov'd her for, you would not waste,
By letting time rob her and you at once.
Duke. Sir, business of great importance has
Hitherto deferr'd my marriage; believe
Me, you shall find me just.
Arb. A prince's word
Must not be question'd; I have done.
Duke. O Amphelia! what dost thou make me do? [Exit.
Arb. Let him take heed; if he does fool my sister,
Were he ten thousand dukes, I'd cut his throat. [Exit.
Enter Philidor alone.
Phil. I have been quite at t'other end o'th' town,
To put my children out to new nurses,
For I am known to every nurse hereabout;
That they will as soon nurse a cat's kitten
As any child of mine. This is a very
Pleasant life I lead, neither is this the
Worst part of it; for there are a certain
Flock of women that I have promis'd marriage,
I expect a volley of shot from them too,
Soon as they find me out. Would wives and children
Were as hard to come by as money, then would
I turn usurer, and let 'em out to use;
For, to say truth, I have enough to spare.
Enter six Ladies, one after another.
So, here comes one of my promis'd Virgins!
Nay, a second too—a third—a fourth—a fifth—
A sixth—Welcome, blessed half-dozen; now will I go
Muster my nurses and children too, and go
Against the Great Turk. I am glad to see
They have brought ne'er a coffin, for I expect
Nothing but death from them. I wonder they don't
Begin to ring my funeral peal. See every
One of them beckons to me, as much as to say,
I'd speak with you in private; but the devil
Take me if e'er a one of them do; I find
By this they would not have their business known
To one another; this may be a means for me
To get off for this time—Ladies, you all
Look as if you had something to say to
Me; pray make me so happy as to let
Me know what 'tis. They dare not speak aloud. [Aside.] Will you,
Madam? or you? or you, madam? or you,
Madam? [What] not one of you tell me what
The honour of these visits mean? I see
I am troublesome to you all? therefore
I'll not be longer rude; and so I take
My leave—This was good luck, that they should come
All together; for I had rather be [Beckon him.
Alone six hours with the devil, than with
E'er a one of them an half hour—I'll stand close
In this corner till they are all gone.
1st Lady. Now the pox take him for a cunning rogue!
2d Lady. A plague take him!
3d Lady. The devil take him!
4th Lady. If there be e'er a devil worse than another,
Take him thou!
5th Lady. O, that I had him alone!
6th Lady. Was there ever such a rascal?
[Exeunt at several doors.
Phil. So the coast is clear again— [Peeps out.
Enter Mirida.
S'death, here comes another—O, 'tis none
Of that gang, though.
Mir. I'll lay my head, ne'er a girl in Christendom
Of my age, can say what I can; I'm now
But five years i'th' teens, and I have fool'd
Five several men.
Phil. A brave wench, by this light!
Sure, it is I in petticoats.
Mir. My humour
Is to love no man, but to have as many
Love me as they please, come cut or long tail.
Phil. A most divine wench!
Mir. 'Tis a rare diversion, to see what several
Ways my flock of lovers have in being
Ridiculous; some of them sigh so damnably,
That 'tis as troublesome as a windy day.
There's two of them that make their love together,
By languishing eye-casts; one of them has
One eye bigger than another, and looks
Like a tumbler; and that eye's like a musket
Bullet, and I expect every minute when he
Will hit me with it, he aims so right at me.
My other lover looks a-squint, and to
See him cast languishing eyes, would make a
Woman with child miscarry. There is also
A very fat man, master Pinguister, and
A very lean man that loves me; I tell the
Fat man I cannot marry him till he's
Leaner, and the lean man I cannot marry
Him till he's fat: so one of them purges
And runs heats every morning, to pull down
His sides, and th' other makes his tailor stuff
His clothes to make him show fatter. O, what
Pleasure do I take in fooling of mankind!
Phil. Was there ever so witty a wench? 'tis the
Woman of women for my turn. I'll to her—
Thou most renowned female! I cannot hold—
Mir. From what?
Phil. From kissing thee, [from] loving thee, or what
Thou wilt.
Mir. Troth, y'are very well acquainted, consid'ring
You never saw me before!
Phil. Saw thee! I have
Heard thee talk this hour, like an angel of light.
Mir. Well, d'ye love me for what you heard me say?
Phil. Yes, faith, do I; why, you are just of my
Humour; when I heard thee say how many
Men you had fool'd, I was very glad to hear
You come one short of me, for I have fool'd
Six women, and you but five men.
Mir. Why,
If you love me, you will be the sixth fool,
To make up my half dozen too.
Phil. No, I
Won't, and yet I love thee too.
Mir. Why, how will
You help it?
Phil. Thus: you and I
Will love one another.
Mir. What, whether I will or no?
Phil. Nay, hear me, we two will love how we please,
When we please, and as long as
We please: do not
These propositions tickle your heart a little?
Mir. I don't mislike them—Now could I take him
About the neck and kiss him for this humour
Of his. And do you say you will love me! [Aside.
Phil. Yes, marry, will I.
Mir. Nay, hold, I won't marry
You.
Phil. Nor I thee, for all the world.
Mir. And yet
You say you will love me?
Phil. I tell you
I will: make no more words on it.
Mir. Why then,
Hark you, to be as absolute as you,
I will love you too, that is to say,
Upon the aforesaid conditions.
Phil. With all my heart; prythee, don't think
That I
Will love thee upon any other terms. But come,
We must seal this
Bargain with hands, hearts, lips.
Mir. No, no; no lips; we will only shake hands
Upon't, that's enough for so weighty a contract
As this of ours.
Phil. But, prythee, let us seal
The bargain.
Mir. No, no, sir, I use no wax
To my lips.
Phil. Nay, by my troth, I care not
A pin to kiss thee.
Mir. No? look upon me well,
And see if you can say so again.
Phil. Hum—yes,
Faith, I will give two-pence to kiss thee
Now.
Mir. Well, sir, when I do kiss you, I'll 'bate you
A penny of that.
Phil. Now you and I will sing this song. [He sings.
My love and I a bargain made,
It is well worth a telling:
When one was weary, we agreed
To part, should both be willing.
Mir. Nay, here I'm for you too. [She sings.
And thus our loves will longer last,
Than fools that still are pining:
We'll spend our time in joy and mirth,
Whilst doaters do in whining.
Phil. Faith, you and I sing very well; we are
Alike in that too: I see either nature
Or the devil, somebody or something, made
Thee and me for one another. Well,
But let us
Remember our conditions: imprimis, I
Will love you.
Mir. Item, so will I you.
Phil. I
Will not say how long.
Mir. Item, nor I neither.
Phil. Item, it may be I can love you but
A week.
Mir. I don't care if't be but a day.
Phil. I'll ne'er be tied to any thing.
Mir. Item, thou shalt be tied to what thou wilt
But me.
Phil. Item, I will come when I please,
And go when I please.
Mir. Item, thou shalt drown
Thyself when thou wilt, or hang thyself when
Thou wilt, or go to the devil when thou wilt.
Phil. Item, if I should like another woman, I
Will have the liberty of leaving you, without
Any ceremony, but just saying
Good-bye.
Mir. Item, if I should like any
Man better than you, I'll leave you without saying
So much as good-bye.
Phil. Item, the first that
Sighs of us two, shall fast a week.
Mir. Item, the first
That looks but melancholy of us two,
Shall be starv'd to death.
Phil. To conclude, we will
Both be as mad as we please.
Mir. Agreed,
And the devil take the tamest!
Phil. A bless'd bargain!
But hark you, there's one thing I have forgot.
Mir. What's that?
Phil. Have you had as many children as I?
Mir. No, indeed, ha'nt I.
Phil. Why, then you must let me help you to 'em,
That you may be even with me there too.
Mir. Hold, sir, that bargain's yet to make.
Phil. Pox on't!
That should have been one of our articles.
Mir. Well, I can stay no longer with you now.
Phil. Nay, prythee, hold, thou shalt not go yet; I
Can't part with you so soon.
Mir. Ay, but I have
A mind to go, and that is one of our
Articles.
Phil. Well, but shan't we put that other
Article in, before we part?
Mir. No, no, good-bye to you.
Phil. Farewell, mettle— [Exit.
Enter Pinguister, Doctor, and Servants.
Mir. Look you, master Pinguister, this is the
Measure must meet about your waist, before
I marry you.
Pin. This? why it will not come
About the small of my leg. [Tries the measure himself.
Mir. Sir, I am sorrier
For it: but it must compass your middle before
You can be my dear chuck: your servant, sir,
I am in haste.
Pin. Prythee, thou damnable
Pretty rogue, let me have some comfort from thee,
Before thou goest, either from thy eyes,
Thy cheeks, mouth, or nose, or some part about thee
Consider what a dissolution I
Must undergo for love of thee.
Mir. I do indeed, sir; but your servant for this time. [Exit.
Pin. Worthy doctor, my hopes are all in you now,
I have tried many physicians already
To make me lean enough for that
Tormenting, pretty fairy devil.
Doctor. Truly, sir, your case is very desperate;
But if any man in the world can drain
Your fat from you, 'tis I: sir, we'll begin
Your course out of hand.
Pin. Do you hear, be sure
I have at least two dozen of napkins ready
Upon the spot, to rub me at every turn;
Therefore come you all along with me—
Have mercy on me, I have love and fat
Enough to furnish a whole nation. [Exeunt.
[ACT III.]
Enter Amphelia, going to the prison.
Amph. How false a woman to all eyes I seem,
Because I still will hide my constant love!
This way I take will bravely break my heart,
To tell the duke were sneakingly to die:
Since, if he knew that I did love him still,
With basest scorns he'd laugh my soul to death;
Such friendship to this pris'ner I will show,
Shall make the duke believe my heart is there.
To set him free I'll use my utmost art——.
Would I could do as much for this poor heart!
This way my love with my designs complies,
Thus one in chains another's chains unties.
I have made the jailor mine already,
By promising him these hundred pieces—
'Tis now about the time I appointed
To be here—
Enter Jailor.
O, yonder's the jailor expecting me—
Here, jailor, here's for thy
Honesty: may the business be done now?
Jailor. O madam, never at a fitter time; take you
The key and go in to the prisoner;
Whilst I go see the passage clear,
Stand you at th' door, and when I beckon
To you, come away.
Amph. Honest jailor?
Jailor. So, now I am just i' th' fashion; I have taken
Money to do her business, and instead
Of doing it I have undone it.
Enter Duke and Ortellus.
Ort. 'Tis so, sir.
The jailor has discover'd all to me. Here
He comes.
Jailor. And please your highness to stand close
Here, for the lady Amphelia is now
With the prisoner; I have given her a
Key to convey him through this private passage;
As soon as I beckon to her, she will come
Away with him. [Beckons her.
Amph. Come, sir, give me your hand;
The jailor beckons me; the way is clear.
Duke. Hold, lady, and your love, we must shorten
Your journey a little.
Amph. Ha! the duke and Ortellus!
I am betray'd! O villain jailor!
Ort. Sir,
I fear we've interrupted them; it may be
They were going to be married; ha, ha, ha!
Amph. If I were, 'twas what I refused you,
Ortellus; that makes you so mad.
Duke. Well, madam,
If you have a mind to be married, a priest
Shall not join your hands, but you shall go both
Back to the prison, and th' jailor shall tie you
Both hands and legs together.
Amph. Know, sir,
A prison with this brave gentleman
Will be greater paradise to me, than to
Be mistress of your palace. What do I say? [Aside.
Duke. Well you shall have your desire then; ye shall live
Together, and die together. How could
I speak that word to her? [Aside.
Zor. She die, sir!
Wou'd you destroy so great a world of virtue?
Rather invent two deaths for me, that I
May die for her too. You'll rob
Your dukedom of your greatest treasure to take
Away so blest a life as hers: let not
An axe part such a head and body,
Lest heaven frown and call you murderer. You'll pull
Upon your head all mankind's curse: when nature
Sees her bounty thus rewarded, she will
Turn miser, and will give no more such blessings
To th' world as this fair saint.
Duke. Well, sir,
I'm satisfied ye like one another, so you
Shall both return back to your straw beds, there you
May lie as close together as you please.
Amph. No, sir, virtue shall lie betwixt us.
Duke. You will want a pillow, till you come both
To execution, then you shall have one—
A block to lay your heads on.
Amph. Know, [O] duke,
My head will rest better with his upon a block,
Than with yours on the softest pillow. How
Many lies must I confess, before I die. [Aside.
Duke. Indeed, you'll sleep pretty soundly. See, her scorn
To me makes death a pleasure to her. [Aside.
My lord, give order that she may be brought
Immediately to her trial; in the meantime,
Jailor, take them into your custody;
Lay 'em in shackles both. Cousin, many thanks
To you for this timely discovery.
I must leave you awhile. [Exit.
Ort. Duke, you shall have
Less to thank me for, else I am deceiv'd.
I've found out he loves Amphelia still,
So she does him. Now will I go possess
Arbatus of this, and tell him how the duke
Intends to fool his sister. He has the
Character of so strict a brother, and so brave
A spirit, that his soul will never digest
This injury without the duke's blood.
Will join with him, and tell him how
The business may be done.
By this, one of these three things shall I have
Either a mistress, dukedom, or a grave.
Enter Arbatus and Artabella.
See, here comes Arbatus and his sister
Artabella; they talk very earnestly.
Arb. Sister, I do not like it; the duke will
Fool ye.
Art. Indeed, brother, I am amaz'd
At this delay.
Arb. How does he carry himself
To you?
Art. With all respect imaginable.
Arb. Then there must be something more in't,
That he defers his marriage thus.
Ort. There is
So, sir.
Arb. My lord, heark'ning's but a base office;
But if you have heard it, 'tis no treason.
Ort. No, sir, but it is falseness in the duke,
To use your worthy sister thus. I came
To tell you upon my knowledge, he never
Intended to marry her.
Arb. My lord, though I believe it, you must pardon
Me, if I wonder at this information
From your lordship, that is his near cousin.
Ort. Sir, you have the character of so brave
A gentleman, conscience and honour
Bids me discover this to you and your sister:
Think of a way of being reveng'd, and here's
My hand and heart to help you.
Arb. Pardon
Me, that I cannot thank you truly, because
I needs must doubt this offer from your lordship.
Ort. What can I say to confirm you? will the
Word and honour of a gentleman do't?
Arb. To me those are things of great value.
Ort. Then here
I give them both.
Arb. But what to do, my lord?
Ort. What you will.
Arb. Perhaps you think I'd have you
Ask some place about the court for me, in
Recompense of this injury to my sister?
Ort. No, sir, had you been such a person, I
Should not have trusted you thus far with what
I have said. I say [it] again, I am
Your friend; if you doubt it, you wrong my honour.
Arb. Why then, my lord, to be short, nothing will
Satisfy me, but the duke's——
Ort. What?
Arb. Blood.
Ort. Why,
Thou shalt have it all, if I can help thee
To't; this night will I convey you privately
Into his bed-chamber. Come along with me,
And I will tell you all. [Exit.
Arb. My lord, I follow you.
Sister, go to your chamber.
Art. O brother!
Heaven preserve you in this danger.
Arb. Now
It comes into my head, I need not doubt
This lord's truth; he is next heir to the dukedom,
If the duke die without issue.
'Tis base in him the duke's life to pursue,
His blood is only to my sister due. [Exit.
Art. False duke, thou justly hast deserv'd thy death;
To cheat the innocent is a double crime;
I had no cunning guard about this heart
To keep it safe from a seducing tongue.
I have lost my heart, which he by falseness won;
How soon is truth and innocence undone! [Exit.
Enter Philidor.
Phil. Pray remember the poor prisoners, pray
Remember the prisoners. Well, had I
Not taken this course with the regiment
Of women that I have promis'd to marry,
I should have been devour'd by 'em by this
Time. They came just now into my chamber,
One by one, hoping to have found me alone,
To have preach'd matrimony to me; but,
To my blest deliverance, no sooner
One was there, but another came; so I
Persuaded them one by one, to slip up
Into a garret: so still as one knock'd
At the door, the t'other ascended; there
Have I secur'd them with this key, and there
Must I keep them till I have made
Conditions with them.
Enter Mirida.
O, here comes Mirida.
Pray remember the poor prisoners, pray
Remember the poor prisoners.
Mir. Who the devil's that, Philidor?
Phil. The very same, my mettled female.
Mir. Why,
What mad prank art thou playing now?
Phil. Alack-
A-day, I have great cares upon me; I
Must provide meat for half-a-dozen ladies,
That shou'd have been my spouses. Look up yonder;
In that very garret, for aught I know, they
Must dine and sup at my charge as long as
They live; and thus must I be their cook every
Day, and beg their first and second course.
Mir. I am sorry to hear this, because 'tis
A wilder trick than I have done lately
To any of my lovers. Prythee, let's
Go under the window, and call to them.
Phil. Come away, you shall hear what vollies we shall
Have from the castle. Most excellent
Amazonian ladies, look out, and behold
Your labouring purveyor, what pains he
Takes to victual your castle,
Because he knows you must be long there. [Women look out.
1st Lady. Rogue!
2d Lady. Rascal!
3d Lady. Villain!
4th Lady. Dog!
5th Lady. Slave!
6th Lady. Hell-hound!
Phil. Methinks you represent the hemisphere,
Because you are enthron'd so high; your eyes
Appear like stars to us poor mortals here
Below.
1st Lady. Villain, if we had thee here, thou
Should'st find it hell.
Mir. Pray, ladies, what makes you
So angry? Methinks the gentleman is
Your friend, and has holpt you nearer heaven
Than perhaps e'er a one of you would ever
Have been.
2d Lady. What's that you say, little piss-a-bed?
Mir. Sweet angels, will never a one of you
Please to descend?
3d Lady. Thou little devil,
If we had thee here, we'd throw thee down again
With such a swing, we'd knock that rascal's brains
Out with thy fall.
Mir. Then, angry ladies, I
Shall stay here—see, has not that lady
A very fair nose at this distance?
Phil. Has
Not t'other there a mouth, that when she opens it
To scold, looks like a giant's cave?
4th Lady. S'life, we'll
Not be abus'd thus; here's a Hercules' statue,
Let's throw it down upon their heads.
[Mirida runs away, and meets Pinguister and stops.
Enter Pinguister and Doctor.
Mir. Hold, Philidor, we shall have some new sport
Of my making now; here comes my fat lover,
Let us stand close and hear a little.
Ping. Doctor,
Pray, how many stools may I happily have
This morning by this purgation, already
Taken by me?
Doctor. Doubtless, one hundred, sir.
Ping. Save me, 'twill swinge my bum-gut then: but how
Much fat may it bring away?
Doctor. Peradventure,
Half-a-dozen pounds.
Ping. Love! what dost thou make
Me do? But, worthy doctor, from what parts of
My continual purg'd body is this store
Of fat extracted?
Doctor. Chiefly from your waist
And calves of your legs.
Ping. And how many purges
May make my waist and legs' calves, alias, calves
Of my legs, delightful to her eye, sir?
Doctor. Sir, some ten purges: that is to say, you
Must have a thousand stools to drain your treasure
Of fat totaliter from ye.
Ping. O love!
O Mirida, for thee I daily purge:
For thee I daily stink. I find
I must keep company with the bears, that I
May be able to endure my own stink the better.
Doctor. Come, sir, I think you had best begin to run
Your heats.
Ping. O me! nothing cou'd e'er a made
A footman of me but love. Well, I must
Put on my pumps.
Phil. By this light, this is the
Pleasantest scene as e'er I saw.
Ping. Nay, doctor,
If you mean I should run, lend me your hand
To help me up. [Puts on nightcaps.
Now, in the name of love,
I most unwillingly start.
Phil. S'death! he runs
Like a duke. [He runs round, and sometimes goes out to untruss.
Mir. His stools come very quickly upon
Him, one after another.
Ping. I must run
With my breeches in my hand, my purge visits
My bum-gut so intolerably often.
Doctor. Now, sir, for a cheerful loose.
Ping. By my heart,
Master Doctor, I wonder at your cruelty,
To ask a cheerful loose of me; am not
I loos'd sufficiently by
Your furious purgations?
Enter Lean-man and his Tailor.
Mir. O, here comes
My lean lover.
Lean. Tailor, do I look gross
Enough now?
Tailor. Yes, I'll assure you, you seem
Very corpulent.
Lean. Well, I am sure if thou
Hast not made me large enough, thou wilt thy bill.
Now have at Mistress Mirida! sure, my
Person will take her. Why, how now, cousin, [To Ping.
What makes you running a heat?
Ping. I must not stop
To speak with you, but come run by me,
And I will tell you. Why, I see
You know nothing. Mistress Mirida has a
Great kindness for me, but cannot marry me
Before I am leaner.
Lean. She fools him; her kindness is for me,
And bids me make myself fatter, before
We marry. [Aside.
Ping. But pray, coz, what makes you stuff yourself so
To appear big?
Lean. Yes, I do it to please
Mistress Mirida's eye; she bid me.
Ping. So she makes
An ass of him. [Aside.
Lean. Well, I won't hinder you
In your exercise,
Farewell. Now I'll to Mistress Mirida. [Exit.
Ping. Good bye, good bye.
God's fish, my purge again! O, O!
Enter Clown with a cudgel, and beats him in again.
Clown. A nasty rogue, when a man's asleep,
To come and do it just in his mouth! I'll swinge ye.
Ping. O, hold, good sir, 'twas the violence of my physic;
Would my paunch were out, if I saw you!
Phil. Hold,
What do ye mean to beat a
Gentleman thus?
Clown. Let
Him learn more manners, then, against next time.
Ping. O Mistress Mirida, I have been purg'd
And beaten most extremely for your sake;
Sure, I'm lean enough now to marry you.
Mir. That I cannot tell; but I have the measure
In my pocket of what compass you were
About when you first were in love with me,
And also the measure to that you must
Fall before I marry you. Here was your full
Bigness, which was three yards about: let me see;
You are fallen a yard.
Ping. Well, and won't you marry me then?
Mir. That you'll see presently; for here's the measure
Must compass you about before I do.
This wants a yard yet.
Ping. Well, and d'ye think it's possible
For me ever to become such a grig
As that measure will meet about me?
Why, to do that you must embowel me, and then
Shave the remaining rolls of fat off from
My melting sides.
Doctor. Here, pray, sir, throw this blanket
About you; you will catch your death.
Ping. Look you,
Unreasonable mistress, thus am I
Fain to do every day, because I would
Melt myself into a husband for you:
You may hear my guts at this time boiling
Within me; I am confident they will
Have the same fat as a kettle full of
Black puddings that are over-boiled, and so
Broken.
Doctor. Come, sir, you must needs go to bed.
Ping. That is to say, I must go swim; for that
I do constantly in a sea of sweat.
Mir. Ay, pray, sir, I wou'd not for all the world
You should miscarry.
Ping. Indeed, I look as
If I were with child. Lady, if you have
Any thoughts of going to heaven, have
Mercy on me.
Mir. Farewell, garbage.
Ping. O heat! O fat! O love! what will you
Do with me? [Exit with Doctor.
Phil. Was there ever such sport as we have seen?
Mir. Heaven send thee and I many a fair
Year to be mad together in.
Phil. Ay, as
You say, give us but time enough, and when
We grow tame, let the bell toll for us.
But stay, let us return
Back to my virgins, that I may
Make my conditions with 'em,
Before they get out of prison.
Enter all the Ladies and bind them.
S'death! they
Are all got out already.
1st Lady. O, have we
Met with you now, ye pair of devils? we'll lay
You fast enough. So good night to you, lie
There till we come again. [Exit Ladies.
Phil. Pox on't, was there
Ever such luck as this? There was a trap-
Door in the garret, which they found and got
Out at.
Mir. What think ye now of this day's sport
Philidor?
Phil. Plague on it, well enough; if
They had not bound us back to back together,
We might have pass'd away the time.
Malicious jades! no way of bridling us
But this? Pr'ythee turn about thy head, and let
Us try if we can kiss one another
A little.
Mir. No, no, we won't
Try for fear you should put your neck out of
Joint with turning it too much of one side.
Phil. Well, fortune should be more careful
Of accidents of this nature, and not
Contrive them so cross.
Enter Boy.
Phil. O, here comes a boy. Here, sirrah, come hither.
Boy. What say you, master?
Phil. Here, prythee, unbind us, I'll give thee a
Shilling.
Boy. Why, sir, can't you unbind yourselves?
Phil. Simple boy, thou seest we can't.
Boy. And have ye a mind to be unbound?
Phil. Yes, yes, we are in great torments
To lie thus.
Boy. Then, sir, you shall give me a piece,
And your hat, because I have never
A one, or else farewell.
Phil. Well, stay, here take it out of my pockets.
Boy. Yes, that I will do, before I unbind you,
And your hat too. [Exit.
Phil. The rogue's too nimble for me.
Mir. Well, Philidor, farewell, I must
Go put
On a clean handkerchief.
Phil. And I
Must go see if I can find a believing
Haberdasher, else I shall be very
Ceremonious to every one I meet. [Exit.
Enter Fiddler.
Mir. A fiddle! nay, then I am made again;
I'd have a dance, if I had nothing but my
Smock on. Fiddler, strike up, and play my jig,
Call'd, I care not a pin for any man.
Fid. Indeed I can't stay: I am going to
Play to some gentlemen.
Mir. Nay, thou shalt stay
But a little.
Fid. Give me half-a-crown then.
Mir. I have no money about me. But here, take
My handkerchief. [Dance and Exit.
[ACT IV.]
Enter Ortellus and Arbatus, as going into the Duke's bed-chamber, and the Duke in bed.
Ort. So, I will keep the door, whilst you
Dispatch him.
Arb. My lord,
I find you truly noble. Why, duke; why, duke! I say.
Methinks my voice should wake his guilty soul,
Nothing but innocence can sleep secure;
Then why, good heaven, does he take
Such rest?
Awake, thou drowsy devil! Duke, my sister's
Wrongs do call thee from thy sleep; methinks
The sound of those should pierce thy ears. Why, duke!
Duke. What bold voice is that?
Arb. One that will be more
Bold with you.
Duke. Who is't so impudent as
To break my sleep?
Arb. 'Tis I, Arbatus, that
Will put thee into a wonder.
Duke. Ha! what means
That dagger in thy hands?
Arb. Canst thou ask that
Question? it is to tickle thy false heart.
Duke. Ha, ha, ha! you jest, you jest.
Arb. What,
Does the conceit on't make you laugh already?
I was resolved to wake thee, before
I sent thee to hell, because thou may'st know
Of whose errand thou goest.
Duke. Come, come, leave
Your foolery, lest you heat my blood.
Arb. If
I do, I will let it out all, and that
Will quickly cool it. I would give thee time
To say thy prayers now, but that I know
Thy sin to be so great, that heaven will
Not pardon thee.
Enter Artabella.
Ort. Who's that?
Art. 'Tis I, my lord:
Artabella. Let me in quickly, that I
May have one stab at his false heart, before
My brother has put him past feeling.
Ort. And so thou shalt, brave girl.
Arb. Now, duke, good night to you, and the devil
Send you good rest.
Art. Hold, brother.
Arb. Who's that?
Art. 'Tis I thy injur'd sister, come to make
The first hole in that base duke's heart; it is
My right.
Arb. Begin, begin then, that I may
Make an end.
Art. Stay, brother, not too fast,
Has he said his prayers?
Arb. His pray'rs! why none
But the devil will hear them. Come, come, sister,
Give me the dagger again; you waste time.
Art. And so I will, the duke shan't die.
Arb. How, not die?
Art. Not die, I say.
Arb. Then you are his whore all this while, and wou'd
Have him live, that you may be so still.
Art. Brother,
Another word so foul, I'll strike this dagger
Through your heart,
Therefore hear me speak. Know then,
'Tis I that cannot love the duke, which he
Would never tell you, knowing 'twould make you angry
With me.
Arb. Nay then I'll kill you for fooling
A brother and your reputation thus.
Duke. Hold, Arbatus, she says it but to save
My life. 'Tis I have fooled you both, therefore
Strike here.
Arb. And so I will, then.
Art. Hold, brother;
Pull not a load of sins upon your head;
'Tis I have been to blame, indeed I have,
With loving him too much.
Arb. Then thou shalt die.
Duke. Hold, sir, heaven will frown on you for ever,
If you shed one drop of that pure blood; upon
My word, 'tis I.
Arb. Keep not my tortur'd soul
Thus in suspense. One of you tell me true,
And that quickly too, else I will destroy
You both, and that's the surest way not
To mistake.
Duke. Then be assur'd 'tis I.
Art. Brother,
'Tis not, 'tis I.
Arb. Heyday! heyday! I know
Not what to do or say. [Throws down his sword and goes away.
Ort. So, he is dead,
I hope.
Arb. No more than you are.
Ort. How so?
Arb. Come,
My lord, as you go, I'll tell you.
[Exeunt Arbatus and Ortellus.
Duke. O Artabella, why didst take my sin
Upon thyself, hiding thy innocence
With a face of guilt? My death had been not
Punishment enough, because I have wrong'd
So fair a life as yours. Which way to ask
Forgiveness, I can't tell; there are no pardons for
Such sins as mine; the only way to do
Thee right, is this. [Offers to kill himself.
Art. Hold, sir, my life
Shall follow yours, if you strike.
Duke. Why would'st thou
Have me live?
Art. Because I love you, sir.
Duke. And that's the only reason I would die.
Art. Why, would it be kindly done to show
My eyes your blood?
Duke. Yes, far more kind than live, and show
Thy heart no love. O Artabella, that thou wert
My sister!
Nothing but brother's love were then
Thy due; and I could richly pay thee in
That coin, a million more than ever brother did.
Art. Wou'd nature then had made me so, or else
Had given me never a heart.
Duke. What wou'dst
Thou have me do, poor Artabella?
Art. Nothing
But love me, sir.
Duke. See, what thou doest ask
A man, a god wou'd do; and yet I can't;
'Tis not thy want of beauty, but my fate.
Angels themselves, to look upon thy face,
Wou'd take a journey twice a day from heaven.
Art. If you would come, though far a shorter way,
You shou'd be much more welcome.
Duke. Sweet tongue, lie still, offer no more such love,
As gods themselves to have wou'd think a bliss,
Since all thy kindness does but wound my heart,
To see thine shipwreck'd in a sea of love,
And cannot give it harbour in my breast.
Art. Sir, let me beg one thing of you then.
Duke. With all my soul, be it my dukedom, and
'Tis thine.
Art. 'Tis no such great request;
'Tis only when you meet me, say: I hate
Thee, Artabella.
Duke. Why, could that word please thee?
Art. No; but to hear it said by you, would bring
My death, then I wou'd thank you for my rest.
Would you not come unto my grave, sir?
Duke. O yes, and make thy coffin float with a sea
Of tears.
Art. Fair sir, of what?
Duke. Of grief.
Art. O me!
A sea of tears, and yet not one of love!
Waste not such precious drops upon my grave, it will
Not satisfy my hovering soul to see
Your eyes drop pity without love. Farewell, sir.
O for a grave, that were a resting place;
Good heart, be kind, and break apace! [Exit.
Duke. Heaven love thee for me! Base Amphelia,
Thou art the author of my horrid sin. [Exit.
Enter Philidor and Mirida.
Phil. Thou talk'st of sport, Mirida; if all the
Sport we have had already with our lovers,
Come not short of this, hang me. You say you have
Invited them already to my funeral.
Mir. Yes, yes. [Philidor is laid out like a corpse.
Phil. So, so, methinks my body lies
In great state, to see the tribe that will come
By-and-by; here will be half a dozen
Chief mourners, which should have been my wives, and
Some three or four sons and heirs, besides three
Or four hopeful daughters; these, with
The congregation of nurses, will howl me
A pleasant dirge. Mirida, you being my
Executrix, must carry yourself very gravely;
Here's my will, which you must read to 'em; I'll be
The priest myself. Hark, somebody knocks [Knocks within.
At the gate.
Enter Boy.
Boy. Sir, they are all
Come.
Phil. Let 'em in.—Now, Mirida, manage
Your business well.
Mir. Let me alone, I'll warrant ye.
Enter Ladies and Nurse.
All Ladies. Ah! my poor dear, dear.
All Nurses. Ah! my poor dear master! ah, child,
Cry for thy poor dad. [Kiss the hearse.
Phil. What a dog-kennel's here! how they howl! [Aside.
Mir. When
The passions of your grief are over, pray
Hear me speak, because it concerns you all.
Phil. Pox of thy gravity, Mirida. [Aside.
Mir. Nay, hold your tongue; if
You set me once a laughing, I shall spoil
Your funeral. [Aside.
Enter Pinguister and Lean-man.
So here comes my fat lover and my
Lean one! Welcome, gentlemen, I
Was afraid I shou'd not have had your company.
Ping. Really, sweet lady, I have taken a purge
To-day (as I do constantly, for love
Of you) which has retarded me,
By reason of its operation, neither can
I say it has yet finished.
Mir. Sir, please you
To sit down, and you,
Master Pinguister.
Ping. Lady, I shall embrace your offer, and shall
Press your chair. By my heart, madam, this chair
Was fitter for a jackdaw than [for] me.
[Sits down and breaks the chair.
Nay, they make such chairs now-a-days, that had I
A grudge to an upholsterer, I would
Desire no greater revenge than to sit
Down upon every chair in his shop.
Mir. Truly,
Sir, I am sorry for your fall.
Ladies and gentlewomen, pray give your
Attention to my dear deceas'd cousin's
Will. Poor young man! he was kill'd yesterday
By a duel:
He liv'd but two hours after he was hurt,
Which time he made use of, to settle something
On all you here, his worthy friends.
Omnes. A good young man.
Mir. Imprimis, I bequeath my soul, as other
People use to do, and so my body.
Item, I give to Mistress Mary, for a reason that she knows, £500. Item, £500 to Mistress Margaret, for a reason she knows. Item, £500 to Mistress Sarah, for a reason she knows. Item, £500 to Mistress Martha, for a reason she knows. Item, £500 to Mistress Alice, for a reason she knows. Item, £500 to Mistress Eleanor, for a reason she knows. And so to all the rest. Item, To my nurses, I leave each of them £20 a year apiece for their lives, besides their arrears due to them for nursing. These sums [speaks low] of money and legacies I leave to be rais'd and paid out of my manor of Constantinople, in which the Great Turk is now tenant for life.
If they should hear how their legacies [Laughs aside.
Are to be paid, how they'd fall a-drumming on
His coffin!
Item, I leave to Master Pinguister,
A very fat man.—
Ping. I am so.
Mir. An infallible
Receipt to make him lean.
Ping. So I hope the
Dead may do what the living cannot.
Mir. I leave to a certain lean gentleman,
Whom I have seen in my cousin Mirida's
Company, a sure receipt to make him fat.
Lean. I find he knew I was to marry his cousin.
Mir. I desire my body to be carried to the
Grave by the six aforesaid gentlewomen.—
So, ladies, now you have heard his will,
Be pleased to take up the body: nurses,
You are to follow next; now which o' you
Will lead me?
Ping. I will, madam.
Lean. By my bones, but you shan't.
Ping. By my fat, but I will, sir.
Mir. Nay, gentlemen, pray, fall not out. Well, one
Of you lead me one half of the way. [Exeunt.
Ping. Agreed,
Sir, take you her hand first,
A very timely proposition, for my purge
Works again. Save me!
Whereabouts is the closet? [Goes out, and comes in again.
What a loose must I run to overtake them
Now! else I shall not lead my mistress the last
Half-way. Deliver me from love and purges!
Enter all again with a coffin; Philidor and Mirida shut them into the vault.
Phil. So, there let 'em converse with the dead a
While; I would rather have 'em there than above
Ground: here will I keep 'em till they have
All quitted me under their hands and seals.
Mir. O, the sport that we shall have by-and-by!
Well, but I must go home a little, my
Father will miss me: where shall we meet
Again?
Phil. Just here.
Mir. I will not fail. [Exeunt.
Enter Amarissa just arrived.
Ama. I'm come too late, and yet too soon am here,
Since dear Zoranzo's death is now so near.
On the same block with him I'll lay my head,
That our two bodies may have but one bed.
Thus are our nuptial joys decreed by fate,
Our wedding and our burial bear one date.
Sure, I'm the first of maids that ever gave
Her body to her lover in a grave.
Alas! in cold embraces we must meet,
With icy kisses in a winding-sheet.
Yet though this life denies us time to love,
The other life will not so cruel prove;
Our souls so fast in lovers' knots we'll tie,
That when the headsman strikes, they both shall fly,
Twined in one another through the air,
And be at rest, whilst other souls despair.
Enter Jailor.
This is the prison,
And here's the jailor, I believe. Pray, sir,
Do you belong unto the prison?
Jailor. Belong!
Yes, I am the keeper of it.
Ama. Is not
Here one Zoranzo a prisoner?
Jailor. Yes,
But he won't be here long, for he is
To die anon.
Ama. Ah me! sir, I am his
Sister; pray help me to him, that I may speak
With him before that cruel hour; I love
Him so, that I must needs die with him; I'll
Petition the duke that I may; sure, he'll not
Deny me that request.
Jailor. I can tell you a way that you may be sure
To have that favour granted.
Ama. Tell it me, and I'll thank ye.
Jailor. Why, if you'll try to convey him out of prison,
As another lady has already, you may
Bear them company too.
Ama. Why, has there any lady endeavour'd it?
Jailor. Yes, one that is his mistress, and they are
Both to die together.
Ama. Ha! what is't I hear? his mistress, say you?
Jailor. Yes, mistress; they both lie as contentedly
By one another, as if they were not two.
Ama. Curse him, good heaven, ye cannot throw too many
Curses on him. Here, jailor, take this,
And let me speak with the prisoner.
Jailor. Madam,
You shall.
Enter Zoranzo and Amphelia as in prison, in chains.
Zor. Amarissa! are my eyes false, or is it
Truly she?
Ama. Your eyes are true; but 'tis your heart that's false.
Zor. I am deceiv'd! that cannot be her tongue.
Ama. Should it speak otherwise to thee, I'd tear
It out, devil, Zoranzo; cursed pair
Of vipers, that in chains of death can practise
Lust, as if no end were nigh. Do not
My wrongs startle thy guilty soul, to think
Of all the torments it must have, that could
With so much falseness murder love? When thou
Art gone to hell, as go thou must, 'twill be
A task for all the devils there,
To torture thee enough. Thy sin is such,
Were I thy headsman, when thou com'st to die,
I'd be a week a-cutting off thy head,
'Twixt every stroke I'd stop; and then I'd hollow
Amarissa in thy ears; thy guilt would be
An echo to my wrongs, and answer to
My cry: wrong'd Amarissa;
Which injur'd name repeated to thy ears,
Would make thy soul think hell not half such pain.
Farewell, Zoranzo, I'll come to see your
Head struck off, and your lady's.
Zor. Base Amarissa, that can conclude me
False, because she saw this lady lie in
Chains by me, and could not ask me how we
Came together. Thus to revile me, and
Not know the truth: I'll scorn to tell her now!
Enter Duke.
Ama. O sir, be pleas'd to hear a maid's petition,
Though a stranger to you.
Duke. Fair maid, what is't?
Ama. Zoranzo that's condemn'd to die, may——
Duke. Not
Live; if that be your request, pray do not
Ask; I shan't grant it.
Ama. No, sir, 'tis that he
May have a thousand deaths, instead of one;
Or one that has more pain than thousands.
Duke. What makes you thus incens'd against him?
Ama. Heaven knows I have too much cause, sir. I have
Lov'd him long, and the day he was your prisoner,
Should have been our wedding. News being brought
To me in my own country, that he was
To die, in flying haste I took this tedious
Journey; with sorrow and with joy I here
Arrived; tears in my eyes for his approaching
Death, smiles on my cheeks to think of dying
With him; but when I came unto the prison gate
I met the jailor, and he told me all,
Then let me in, and to
Rejoice my eyes, I saw two devils lie
In chains together, and not half so fast
As chain'd in love.
All my intended kisses then I chang'd
Into as many curses on his heart,
Which with my eyes I spoke as well as tongue.
Duke. Alas! poor injur'd maid, we must be one
Another's
Petitioners; thy fate is mine;
That woman which you saw with him has prov'd
As false to me, as he to you.
Ama. For heaven's
Sake, sir, let 'em die both; no sight would please
Us like their blood; the jailor
Told me they lie as close together all day
As if they were not two.
Duke. O, curse on 'em!
Ama. O, the devil take 'em! pray, sir, give order
That they may be brought immediately
To execution.
Duke. I will.
Ama. I'll go call the jailor, sir. [Steps to the prison.
Enter Jailor.
Duke. Jailor, let the prisoners be brought to
Execution straight, I'll be there myself.
Ama. And I too, sir.
Duke. You shall; we'll go together. [Exeunt.