III
Walter was annoyed about the taxi; he felt it a waste of money, when we might have gone in the tube, and he did not like Grandmother to pay it, for he liked to pay everything himself. I knew very well by now when Walter was annoyed; I could tell by the way he sat, by the way he fidgeted with his hands, even when he said nothing at all.
He said nothing this time, and I said nothing. I felt very tired now, and then, I was frightened. It was as though I had been asleep, and dreaming, and contented, and now suddenly I had woken up; as though everything had become intense, and alive, and somehow emotional. I felt as though tremendous things were happening, all round us, everywhere; as though we were a tiny island in a great space.
I put out my hand and touched Walter’s arm; it was dark in the taxi and I could hardly see him.
‘Walter,’ I said, ‘do you feel as if something dreadful were going to happen?’
He turned sharply.
‘No,’ he said. ‘What do you mean? What should happen?’
I said:
‘Oh, I don’t know exactly; I suppose it is silly; I feel as though this couldn’t last, as though something were going to break.’
‘It is that silly talk about a war that has upset you,’ he said. ‘People ought not to talk like that.’
I said:
‘No; I wasn’t thinking about a war; I had forgotten that; but I feel afraid of something, I don’t know what. I believe George felt it too.’
He said:
‘Nonsense, you are tired, that is all; it is awfully tiring going out in the evening; I am tired too.’
He put his arm round me and drew me close to him. I wanted to feel near to him, but I did not; I felt a long way off.
Two days later, we went up to Northumberland, to the farm-house on the Roman Wall, where we had stayed before.
We had a great deal of luggage, a cot and a pram, and a baby’s bath. I felt very proud of travelling with those things, but Walter did not like it.
‘It is awful,’ he said, ‘this family luggage. I suppose it will be like this now—for years!’
I minded that. It seemed to me sometimes that he resented Eleanor, that he would almost rather she were not there; I had hoped he would be pleased with her, as I was.
At the farm it was better; Walter liked being there; he went for long walks again, as we had done on our honeymoon. I could not go with him now, when he went a very long way, but I was happy at home with my baby.