ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT.
A GENTLEMAN who wishes to invite a young lady, who is not related to him, to visit any place of public amusement with him, must, the first time that he invites her, also invite another lady of the same family to accompany her. No young lady should visit public places of amusement with a gentleman with whom she is but slightly acquainted, alone.
It is a gentleman's duty to invite a lady long enough before the evening of the performance to be certain of securing pleasant seats, as it is but a poor compliment to take her where she will be uncomfortable, or where she can neither hear nor see.
Although a carriage may not be necessary on account of the weather, it is a more elegant way of paying attention to a lady to provide one.
Never assume an air of secrecy or mystery in a public place; and even if you have the right to do so, assume no lover-like airs. It is rude to converse loudly, especially during the performance; but a low tone is all that is necessary; not a whisper.
To appear to comment aside upon those near you is extremely ill- bred.
A lady is not expected to bow to a friend across a theatre or concert-room; but a gentleman may recognize his lady friends.
A lady must answer a note of invitation to visit a place of public amusement as soon as possible, as, by delay, she may keep her gentleman friend in doubt, and deprive him of the pleasure of inviting another friend if she declines.
It is ill-bred to arrive late at any public entertainment, and looks as if you were not sufficiently master of your own time to be punctual.
In a theatre, give your attention entirely to the stage when the curtain is up; to your companion when it is down.
It looks badly to see a lady staring round the house with an opera-glass. Never is a modest dignity more becoming than in a theatre. To indulge in extravagant gesture, laugh boisterously, flirt a fan conspicuously, toy with an eye-glass or opera-glass, indulge in lounging attitudes, whisper aside, are all unlady-like in the extreme.
If you speak to your companion during the performance, do so in a low tone, that you may not disturb those who are near you, and wish to hear the actors.
In entering a concert-room or tile box of a theatre, a gentleman should precede a lady, if there is not room to walk beside her, until they reach the seats, then hand her to the inner one, taking the outside one himself. In going out, if he cannot offer her his arm, he must again walk before her, until he reaches the lobby, and then offer her his arm.
Boisterous applause and loud laughter are ungentlemanly.
It is in bad taste to distract your companion's interest from the performance, even if you find it dull yourself.
No gentleman should leave a lady alone for a moment in a public place of amusement. He may subject her to annoyance, or he may find another lady in his seat when he returns, which would separate him from his companion until the close of the performance; for, although a gentleman when alone should offer his seat to a lady or old gentleman who cannot procure one, he is not expected to do so when escorting a lady. His place is then that of protector to his charge, and he must not relinquish it for a moment.
Secure a libretto, or programme, before taking your seat, that you may not be obliged to rise to get one.
At the opera, conversation during the performance is in the worst taste. The lowest tone will disturb the real lovers of music. Exclamations of "Lovely!" "Exquisite!" "How sweet!" and others, are all proofs of vulgarity.
If you promenade at a concert or between the acts at a theatre, you may bow to friends the first time you pass them only. A lady must not allow other gentlemen to join her, if she would not offend her escort, and no gentleman will stop a lady to speak to her. A conversation of a moment or two is all that is allowable in such meetings.
If seats are secured, it is best to arrive about five minutes before the commencement of a performance; but if a gentleman is escorting a lady to an entertainment where seats cannot be secured, he should call for her at an early hour, that she may get a good place.
In a picture-gallery, never stand conversing before the paintings in such a way as to interrupt the view of others. If you wish to converse, stand aside or take seats and do so.
A gentleman alone may join lady friends for a few moments between the acts at a theatre, or in the intermission at a concert, but only for a few moments, as their escort has a prior claim upon their attention.
It is an act of rudeness to join any party about to visit a place of amusement, or at one, unless urgently invited, and no one of taste will ever form a third. If two or three ladies are in the party and but one gentleman, another gentleman, if well acquainted, may offer his services as escort to one of the ladies, and if not allowed to share the expenses, should invite the party to partake of refreshments after the performance is over.
Always enter a concert-hall or lecture-room as quietly as possible
Never push violently through a crowd at a public place. A lady will always find room made for her if she requests it, or if it is requested by her escort.
After escorting a lady to a place of amusement, a gentleman may ask permission to call the following morning or evening, and the lady must be at home to receive that call. She should take that opportunity to thank him for the pleasure she has enjoyed, and find some warm words of praise for the performance. To severely criticize on such an occasion is rude to the escort, who has intended to give pleasure, and the performance must be bad indeed where nothing can be found to merit a word of praise.
In visiting a fancy fair, too many persons act as if they were in a store, cheapening the articles offered for sale, and being careless about their criticisms and remarks. It is impossible to tell who may be wounded by such conduct. The very lady who offers you an article you pronounce "absolutely hideous" may have spent hours in its manufacture, and feel proportionately hurt at your remarks. Courtesy and words of praise are never more appreciated than by those who have spent weary hours in preparing for this most troublesome of all charities.
On the other hand, the position of a lady at the table of a fancy fair is necessarily an exposed one, and requires a great amount of modest dignity to support it. Flirting, loud talking, importunate entreaties to unwilling friends to buy your goods, are all in bad taste; and it is equally bad to leave your place every few moments to visit the refreshment-table in company with your gentlemen friends. We heard a lady boast once that she had been seventeen times in one day to the refreshment-table "for the good of the fair," and we could not but think the cause might have been aided without quite such a display of gastronomic energy. No true lady will follow friends all around the room offering goods for sale, nor force articles on reluctant purchasers by appealing to their gallantry.
In entering a fancy fair where many ladies are present, strict etiquette requires a gentleman to remove his hat, and carry it whilst in the room, but it is a rule much neglected.
It is rude for a lady to take advantage of the rule which prevents a gentleman from asking for change at a fair. If he says, in presenting a larger amount than the purchased article calls for, "Pray accept the balance for the object for which you are working," she may, of course, place the gift in her cash-box; otherwise it is more lady-like to give back the change.
SERVANTS.
IT would be difficult to express the sense of etiquette on this subject better than by quoting Lord Chesterfield's words:
"I am more upon my guard," he writes, "as to my behavior to my servants and to others who are called my inferiors than I am towards my equals, for fear of being suspected of that mean and ungenerous sentiment of desiring to make others feel that difference which fortune has, and perhaps too undeservedly, made between us."
Conduct towards servants should be always equal, never violent, never familiar. Speak to them always with civility, but keep them in their proper places.
Give no occasion for them to complain of you; but never suffer yourself to complain of them without first ascertaining that your complaint is just, seeing that it has attention, and that the fault complained of is remedied.
Beware of giving servants the inch; there is no class so prone, under such circumstances, to take the ell.
If staying in a friend's house, you may assume, to a certain extent, that your friend's servants are your servants. But this must be only so far as you are yourself concerned. You must not, on any account, give directions respecting the general conduct of the menage. For all your own personal wants, however, you are free to command their services. Ask for anything, under their control, that may be lacking in your own room; for whatever you need at meal times; let them call you in the morning if you sleep soundly; do not send them on errands, however, without first ascertaining that it will not interfere with their regular routine of household duty; but do anything and everything required for your own personal convenience and comfort through the servants. It is contrary to all laws of etiquette to trouble your host or hostess with all your petty wants.
Never apologize for the trouble you give them; but if you should, through illness or other cause, occasion more work than a visitor ordinarily brings to a household, let the gift, which, in any case, you would make to the servants on leaving the house, be somewhat heavier than would otherwise have been necessary.
This question of fees to servants is a very important one. Many people are disposed to regard it as an imposition which is tolerated only through the force of custom. Others view it in the light of paying for an extra burden, which their presence has laid upon the servant's shoulders. The latter view, if not entirely the correct one, is, at least, as reasonable as the former, and a generous nature will probably adopt it. The opposition will say, "But all cannot afford to make these presents," and "The servants are hired on the express understanding that they will have to serve their employer's guests, as part of the work they are engaged to do." There is something in this; but, on the other hand, it might be asked, "Do any of you who complain of having to make these involuntary gifts for extra service on the part of the servants, rest satisfied in your own mind when your profession, business, or the service from which you draw your source of living, requires extra exertions from you? You are, perhaps, the manager of the greatest bank that ever was opened, or the director of the largest department under the control of the State. Do you not, when anything more than usual is required of you, look for, if you do not get, extra remuneration, in the shape of promotion, money, or testimonials? I am sure you do, if you would speak honestly, and, if so, how can you suppose servants should expect otherwise? Whether they get all they look for, or think they ought to have, is a separate affair. Perhaps you, too, do not get all you deem yourself to merit. The system of fees is, no doubt, like all other human institutions, liable to considerable abuse. At one time it was considered beneath the dignity of a gentleman to give anything but gold, and whilst that superstition prevailed, it must doubtless have pressed very hard upon poor people, to whom to go into society was to be ruinously fined, without the privilege of appeal. Even at the present day, there are certain classes of servants who are "as death, and cannot be satisfied," unless their "'itching palms" are heavily laden with their fee; but they are but rarely approached by poorer people."
With regard to the amount of fees to servants in a household, it is not possible to lay down any precise rule. Much must depend on the length of the visit, the position of the master of the house, and the position in which you are supposed to stand toward him; and on each of these points you must exercise your own discretion, and consult your own means or generosity.
Gentlemen give fees to the men servants only, as a general rule, and ladies give to the female servants only; and though the strict observance of this rule may seem at times to work injustice, it is better to adhere to it than to mar the comfort and position of those who come after you, and who may not have the means of being liberal over and above the prescribed standard. Under no circumstances is a lady called upon by the rules of etiquette to give fees to men servants; the lady's-maid and the housemaid are the only ones she is expected to remember; but if a gentleman visit where only female servants are employed, he should make them a present on his departure.
Feeing the servants in a hotel is open to many objections, as it is apt to influence them unduly in second or third arrivals at the same house; but it is a custom so fixed that it has become second nature to them to look for it. It is certainly a person's own fault if he submits to being fleeced by the servants ill a hotel. Attendance is certainly included in the high prices charged, yet the custom prevails in spite of it, and those who do not comply with it will soon find the difference, although there may be nothing sufficiently impertinent or negligent for positive complaint.
Fees to railway porters and others are certainly not required by the rules of etiquette to be paid. The payment of them is indeed forbidden by many of the railway companies; but the receiving of them is winked at, the result being that travellers who want attendance are, for the most part, obliged to pay for it. The system is, however, a pernicious one, and travellers should discourage it as much as possible, if only for the sake of those who cannot afford to sustain it.
"I am sorry," said a gentleman to a porter (need we say an Irishman?) who had looked after a number of parcels, and stowed them conveniently away in the car, "that the regulations of the company do not allow me to give you a shilling." "If your honor," replied the porter, with a grin, "were to lose two, I should know where to find them."
At a dinner party, an evening company, a ball, or like occasions, it is customary, on coming away, to give a trifle, the gentleman to the waiter who hands him his hat, etc., the lady to the attendant in the dressing-room; but you are not called upon to remember every servant in attendance. There is a story told of an old English gentleman, rich enough to be above the suggestion of poverty, and notoriously liberal enough to be above the imputation of meanness, who, being at a dinner party, was presented by one servant with his hat. To this man he gave a shilling. Another advanced, and helped him into his coat, and to him the old gentleman also gave a shilling. A third gave him his cane, and received in exchange a shilling; but when a fourth approached, bearing his gloves, the old gentleman gazed upon him for a moment, and then said, quietly: "You may keep them, my good man; it'll be cheaper for me than to receive them," and then walked out. This was, however, an abuse of advantage on the part of the servants, which, if repeated, others would do well to rebuke in a similar manner.
An English writer on this subject gives some hints that would be equally conducive to regularity and comfort if adopted in this country, saying:
"There is no question but that we should seek to perform all our duties without hope of recompense; and yet, as regards our treatment of servants, we should be especially careful that, in endeavoring to make their bodily comfort and mental improvement an object of consideration, we do not allow ourselves to dwell upon the hope of gratitude or affection from them in return. Many have done so, and having, with that view, been tempted to accord unwise indulgences and to overlook serious faults, they have found that, far from gaining the love of their servants, they have incurred their contempt; and when they have perceived that their favors, unappreciated, have led but to new encroachments, they have hardened their hearts, and rushed into an opposite extreme. Then they have considered their servants as mere machines, from which labor must be extorted by all available means.
"A man-servant is rarely grateful, and seldom attached. He is generally incapable of appreciating those advantages which, with your cultivated judgment, you know to be most conducive to his welfare. Do you accord to him regular hours, and a stated allowance of work; do you refrain from sending him out because it is wet, and he is unwell; do you serve yourself rather than ring for him at dinner time, he will rarely have the grace to thank you in his heart for your constant consideration. Hear him. He will thus describe a comfortable place:' There were very few in the family; when they went out of a night, we made it up in the morning; we had nice hot suppers, and the cook made a good hash for breakfast, and we always get luncheon between that and dinner; and we were all very comfortable together, and had a friend in when we liked. Master swore at us sometimes, but often made us a present for it when he had been very violent; a good-hearted man as ever lived, and mistress was quite the lady, and never meddled with servants. It was a capital place.'
"Servants' sympathies are with their equals. They feel for a poor servant run off his legs, and moped to death; they have no feeling for a painstaking mistress, economical both from principle and scanty means; they would (most of them) see her property wasted, and her confidence abused without compunction. It is the last effort of virtue in a servant if, without any private reason, he should discharge his duty by informing you of the injury which you are enduring at the hands of his fellow-servant. It is an effort of virtue; for it will bring down many a bitter taunt and hard word upon his faithful head.
"'I never got a servant out of a place by telling tales on him,' will be said to him. Directly a servant departs, we all know, tongues tied before are loosened to gain our favor by apparent candor. When it can avail us nothing, we are told. We all know this, and have said:'Be silent now; you should have mentioned this to me at the time it occurred.'"
Supposing, then, you have the rara avis, the servant that 'speaks at the time,' be chary of him—or let me say her (the best servants are women). Oh! as you value her, let her not suppose you cannot part with her. Treat her with confidence, but with strict impartiality; reprove where necessary, mildly, but decidedly, lest she should presume (power is so tempting), and compel you, if you would retain your freedom, to let her go.
There is one thing a man-servant values beyond all that your kindness and consideration can do for him—his liberty; liberty to eat, drink, and be merry, with your things, in the company of his own friends; liberty to get the housemaid to clean his candlesticks and bring up his coals; and the housemaid wishes for liberty to lie in bed in the morning, because she was up so late talking to John in the pantry; liberty to wear flounces and flowers. The cook desires liberty too. For this liberty, if you grant it, they will despise you; if you deny it, they will respect you. Aim at their esteem; despair of their love or gratitude; make your place what the best class of servants will value, and, though in their heart they may not thank you for it, you will gain, perhaps, one servant out of twenty who will keep gross imposition and gross immorality at bay.
"These remarks can never be intended to deny the warm attachment of female servants to the children of their employers. Deep love, no doubt, is lavished by many a woman on the babe she has nursed. There is a great deal to be said on the chapter of nurses; which would require to be dealt with by itself. Much wisdom is required in the administration of a nursery, to which but few general rules would apply. Cruel is the tyranny the nurse frequently practises on the parent, who often refrains from entering her nursery, not from want of love for her children, but positive dread of the sour looks which greet her. Let her be firm; let no shrinking from grieving her darling, who would 'break his heart if his Nana went,' deter her from discharging the encroaching servant.
"On the choice of servants much of the comfort of the young housekeeper depends. It often happens that her choice has been determined by appearance rather than the value of character. If such be the case, she will have many difficulties to encounter. It is, in the present day, hardly safe to take a servant if there be a single objection to character, however it may be glossed over by the person referred to on this point; for there is now an unhealthy disposition to pass over the failings of servants who have left their places, and to make them perfect in the eyes of others. In respect to sobriety, many people will not acknowledge that a servant had had the vice of drinking, but will cover the unpleasant truth with such gentle and plausible terms that it becomes difficult to comprehend how far the hint is grounded, or not. Be assured when a lady or gentleman hesitates on this point, or on that of honesty, it is wiser not to engage a servant. Nor are you deviating from Christian charity in not overlooking a dereliction of so material a sort. The kindest plan to the vast community of domestic servants is to be rigid in all important points, and, having, after a due experience, a just confidence in them, to be somewhat more indulgent to errors of a more trivial nature.
"It is always desirable to have, if possible, servants of one faith But if it so happens that you have a Roman Catholic servant and a Protestant in your service, you are bound to allow each the free exercise of her religion, and you ought not to respect them if, out of interest, they will conform to yours. An exercise of authority on this point amounts, in my opinion, to an act of tyranny, and it can only tend to promote insincerity, and, perhaps, engender skepticism in its object. Nothing is, indeed, so dangerous as to unsettle the faith of the lower classes, who have neither time nor opportunity of fairly considering subjects of religious controversy.
"While on the subject of servants, I must deprecate the over indulgence of the present system towards them. Formerly they were treated with real kindness; but it was the kindness that exacted duty in return, and took a real interest in the welfare of each servant. The reciprocal tie in former times between servant and master was strong; now it is wholly gone. The easy rule of masters and mistresses proceeds far more from indifference than from kindness of heart; for the real charity is to keep servants steadily to their duties. They are a class of persons to whom much leisure is destruction; the pursuits of their idle hours are seldom advantageous to them, and theirs are not minds, generally, which can thrive in repose. Idleness, to them, is peculiarly the root of all evil; for if their time is not spent in vicious amusements, it is often passed in scandal, discontent, and vanity. In writing thus, I do not recommend a hard or inconsiderate system to servants. They require, and in many instances they merit, all that can be done to alleviate a situation of servitude. They ought not to be the slaves of caprice or the victims of temper. Their work should be measured out with a just hand; but it should be regularly exacted in as much perfection as can be expected in variable and erring human nature.
"Another point on which I would recommend firmness is that of early hours. In this respect, example is as important as precept; but, however uncertain you may be yourself, I would not relax a rule of this kind; for every comfort during the day depends on the early rising of your servants. Without this, all their several departments are hurried through or neglected in some important respect.
"Your mode of address to servants must be decisive, yet mild. The authoritative tone I do not recommend. It is very unbecoming to any young person, and it rarely attains the end desired; but there is a quiet dignity of deportment which few servants ever can resist. This should be tempered with kindness, when circumstances call it forth, but should never descend to familiarity; for no caution is more truly kind than that which confines servants strictly to their own sphere.
"Much evil results from the tendency, more especially of the very young or of very old mistresses of families, to partiality. Commonly, one servant becomes the almost avowed favorite; and it is difficult to say whether that display of partiality is the more pernicious to the servant who is the object of it, or to the rankling and jealous minds of the rest of the household. It is true that it is quite impossible to avoid entertaining a greater degree of confidence in some servants than in others; but it should be shown with a due regard to the feelings of all. It is, of course, allowable towards those who take a decidedly responsible and confidential situation in a household. Still, never let such persons assume the reins of government; let them act the part of helmsmen to the vessel, but not aspire to the control of the captain.
"It is generally wise and right, after a due experience of the principles and intentions of servants, to place confidence in their honesty, and to let them have the comfort of knowing that you do so. At the same time, never cease to exercise a system of supervision. The great principle of housekeeping is regularity, and without this (one of the most difficult of the minor virtues to practise), all efforts to promote order must be ineffectual. I have seen energetic women, clever and well-intentioned, fail in attaining a good method, owing to their being uncertain in hours, governed by impulse, and capricious. I have seen women, inferior in capacity, slow, and apathetic, make excellent heads of families, as far as their household was concerned, from their steadiness and regularity. Their very power of enduring monotony has been favorable to their success in this way, especially if they are not called upon to act in peculiar and difficult cases, in which their actual inferiority is traceable. But these are not the ordinary circumstances of life."
In this country, servants are proverbially more troublesome than in Europe, where service is often transmitted through generations in one family. Here, the housekeeper is obliged to change often, taking frequently the most ignorant of the lower classes of foreigners to train into good and useful servants, only to have them become dissatisfied as soon as they become acquainted with others, who instill the republican doctrine of perfect equality into their minds, ruining them for good servants. There are some points of etiquette, however, upon which every lady should insist:
Never allow a servant to keep people waiting upon the door step.
Never allow servants to treat any one disrespectfully.
Never allow servants to turn their own proper duties over to the children or other servants by a bribe. Many fond parents would be amazed if they knew how much running and actual work was performed by little Nellie or Charlie, and how many fits of mysterious indigestion were caused by the rich cake, candy, or half-ripe fruit that paid for the service and bribed the silence.
Never allow a servant to keep a visitor standing parleying on the door-step, while she holds the door ajar. Train the door-servant to admit any caller promptly, show them to the parlor, bring up their cards at once, and return with your answer or message.
There are two occasions in a man's lifetime when may he make his account with liberality to servants, whether he will or whether he will not. These two are the occasions of his marriage and his funeral.
On his marriage, the bridegroom is expected to make presents to all the servants of his father-in-law or mother-in-law, rather according to their expectations than according to his means. To old servants, who have been attached to the bride, the bridegroom will naturally wish to give some token of the value he sets upon their devotion. New dresses, new shawls, money, or a handsome equivalent of it, are expected. Money is usually given to the other servants; The amounts must, of course, depend, in a great degree, upon the means of the bridegroom; but he must be prepared for a heavy outlay on the occasion, if the servants be numerous.
HOTEL ETIQUETTE.
LET us start this chapter by saying that no word of it is addressed to the sterner sex, who will find hints for their etiquette under the head of "Travelling;" but it is for the especial guidance of ladies, many of whom in this independent country travel without escort.
When a lady arrives alone at a hotel, she should, if possible, be provided with a letter of introduction to the proprietor; she should send for him immediately upon her arrival, present her letter, or her card, and mention the time for which she desires to secure a room.
In going to meals, a lady should request one of the waiters to meet her at the dining-room door, and escort her to the table, saving her the awkwardness of crossing the room alone, and showing others that she is a regular resident in the house. She may keep the services of this waiter at table during her stay, and should give him a present of money before leaving.
In giving an order at a public table, a lady should decide quickly what dishes she desires, and order them in a low but distinct tone.
No lady will stare round the room, fidget with her napkin, plate, knife, or fork, play with the salt, or exhibit any awkward embarrassment, while waiting for a meal to be served. It is allowable to look over a newspaper in the interval at breakfast; but the habit, quite common, of carrying a novel to the table is not lady-like.
If a lady accepts any civility from a gentleman at the same table, such as placing butter, sugar, or water nearer to her plate, she must thank him; but by no means start a conversation with him.
If a lady have friends at the table, she may converse in a low, quiet tone; but any loud tone, laughing extravagantly, or gesticulations, are exceedingly ill-bred. To comment upon others present, either aloud or in a whisper, is extremely rude.
A lady must never point to any dish she wishes passed to her. If she cannot call it by name, a well-trained waiter will know her wishes if she looks at the dish.
Any bold action or boisterous deportment in a hotel will expose a lady to the most severe censure of the refined around her, and may render her liable to misconstruction, and impertinence.
Greetings offered by other ladies at the table, or in the parlor, should not be too hastily checked, as the acquaintance so formed is never required by etiquette to be recognized elsewhere.
A lady alone at a hotel should wear the most modest and least conspicuous dress appropriate to the hour of the day. Full dress must not be worn unless she has an escort present.
A lady should never go alone to the supper-table after ten o'clock. If she returns from an entertainment at a later hour, and has no escort to supper, she should have that meal sent to her room. A lady should carefully lock her trunks before leaving her room at a hotel, and should give her purse and jewelry into the care of the proprietor on her arrival, ringing for them if she requires them during her stay.
No lady should open a window in a hotel parlor, if there are other ladies near it, without first ascertaining that it will not inconvenience them.
No lady should use the piano of a hotel uninvited if there are others in the room. It looks bold and forward to display even the most finished musical education in this way. It is still worse to sing.
A lady should never go herself to the door of a hotel to call a hack. Ring for a servant to perform this office, and he will bring the hack to the ladies' entrance.
No lady should stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, but pass through them quietly, never stopping alone for a moment.
No lady should stand alone at the front windows of a hotel parlor, nor may she walk out on the porch, or, indeed, any conspicuous place.
A lady is not expected to recognize her friends across the parlor or dining-room of a hotel.
No scolding of servants is permissible in a hotel. If they are negligent or disrespectful, complain to the housekeeper or landlord; it is their business to keep the domestics in order, not that of their guests.
For a lady to go up the stairs of a hotel singing is ill-bred, and may expose her to rudeness.
It is a breach of etiquette to take any newspaper, book, or music you may find in a hotel parlor to your own room, even if you return it.
Lolling or lounging in a public parlor can never be permitted to a lady.
It is a breach of etiquette for a lady to touch her baggage in a hotel after it is packed. There are plenty of servants to attend to it, and they should carry to the hack even the travelling- shawl, satchel, and railway novel. Nothing looks more awkward than to see a lady, with both hands full, stumbling up the steps of a hotel hack.
No lady must ever pass in or out at the public entrance of a hotel. There is always an entrance for ladies especially, and it is bold and unbecoming for them to be seen in the one appropriated to gentlemen. A gentleman who will escort a lady through the public entrance shows a lamentable ignorance of the usages of hotel life.
WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
TO those who require to be taught how they may express themselves in those delicate negotiations which precede the question of marriage, this little book is not addressed. It is not proposed to introduce form and ceremony into that which should spring purely and spontaneously from the heart, and which should be the most natural expression of a most natural feeling, in connection with which etiquette would be simply a mockery. Etiquette, being only a system devised and found convenient for the social rule and guidance of the many, cannot by any possibility be applied to the conduct of two who may reasonably be supposed to be acquainted with each other's sentiments before they begin to speak about them. If they are not so acquainted, all the etiquette in the world cannot help them, nor preserve them from making what may be a blunder of the most awkward kind. There are people who profess to teach how and in what terms an offer of marriage should be made, whether by letter or by mouth, and, in either case, what should be said. I pretend to no such knowledge, believing that if the heart cannot suggest the way and the words, nothing else can do so.
Yet, the wiser way, usually, is in speech. Letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind of a man; or, if expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable to exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study, care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death to the lover's effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to parents and daughter.
The place of etiquette, the social law which regulates the conduct of engaged people towards others, and of other people towards them, is immediately after the announcement of the engagement; then there is scope for the display of good manners and good breeding, and there are certain rules which must be observed.
Some members of the gentleman's family, his nearest relations, should call upon the family of the lady, and they should return the call as soon as possible. It is by no means necessary that the two families should be intimate; there may be good and sufficient reasons why they should not be so; all that is necessary is the show of civility, which is included in the interchange of visits. If the family of the gentleman does not reside in the same city as that of the lady, the announcement of the engagement should be followed by letters from his parents or nearest relatives to the young lady herself or her parents. Kindly and cordial feeling should be the prevailing tone of such letters, and they must be answered at once.
Though it is often true that the gentleman who aspires to love one member of a family must make his account in loving all the rest in some degree, there is no necessity for such a display of amiability on the part of the lady.
It is customary for the gentleman to make some present to his fiancee soon after the engagement. The most elegant and desirable present is a handsome ring, "the engagement ring," which should be either of diamonds or pearls. The lady sometimes returns a similar ring, or the gentleman has two made exactly similar, each of the betrothed wearing one.
The first present must be made by the gentleman. It is very proper for this first present to be followed by gifts upon appointed days, as birthdays, Christmas, or New Year's Day, and the lady is at perfect liberty to return the compliment. It is considered more elegant for the gentleman to offer jewelry, the lady some gift which is the work of her own hands, as a handsome pair of embroidered slippers, a handkerchief with richly embroidered monograms, a cigar-case embroidered, or some similar gift.
When once the engagement is allowed, it is the custom to admit the gentleman into the intimate society of his newly-adopted relatives; he is looked upon as something more than a potential member of the family; he is implicitly trusted in every way.
It is a gross breach of good manners to omit the gentleman from any invitation in which his fiancee is included, and there are not many young ladies who would consent to accept such an invitation. There is, however, no rule of etiquette forbidding an engaged lady to do so, if she so desires.
In return for the membership which is accorded to him in the lady's family, the engaged man should show all possible deference towards the of members it, especially to the parents. Towards the sisters of his lady love, he should be kind; and generally attentive, and frank, and cordial in his intercourse with her brothers. If there are young children in the family, nothing will make him more popular with the older members than an occasional gift of toys or confectionery, or an excursion during the holidays with the schoolboys, who will readily swear allegiance, after such a trip, to "the man Emily is going to marry," or (vulgar little wretches that they are) to "Amelia's beau."
It is not according to the strict laws of etiquette for the brothers and sisters to call the new member at first by his Christian name. Much will depend on his age and his disposition. There are some people whom one can never address otherwise than formally, while with others it seems perfect nonsense to call them otherwise than by the most familiar term.
If not a positive requirement of etiquette, it is, at least, a politic thing to pay considerable attention to the future mother- in-law. To occupy a good place in her esteem and affection is to smooth many a furrow, which otherwise might trip one up in his walk over the tender ground that leads to matrimony.
An engaged man should never forget the exceedingly abnormal position he occupies with reference to the lady's family; the inconvenience his presence may occasion, and the amount of forbearance necessary on their parts to insure even a friendly status for him in the household. He should endeavor to repay this by a careful attention to the general rules of the family, and even to the particular fancies of the members; he should rigidly observe their hours for meals, and be careful not to stay later in the evening than the usual hour for the household to retire.
There should be the most perfect candor, on the gentleman's part, concerning the state of his financial affairs, and he should respectfully consider the worldly position of the family he is to enter, never doing anything to hurt their feelings, either by word or act, should their status be below his own, and never professing scorn or contempt for wealth or power, should their status be higher than his own.
During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit. If she has a private fortune, she should, in all points left to her, be generous and confiding; at the same time, prudent. Many a man, she should remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be improvident. He may mean to do well, yet have a passion for building; he may be the very soul of good nature, yet be fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong propensities, and yet have a confused notion of accounts, and be one of those unfortunate men who muddle away a great deal of money, no one knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good care of the pence, till he tires his wife's life out about an extra dollar; or he may be facile, or weakly good-natured, and have a friend who preys on him, and for whom he is disposed to become security. Finally, the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none of these propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman, with his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of being one day rich, the next a pauper.
Upon every account, therefore, it is necessary for a young lady to have a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance, oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband's advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement, there is always a fund that cannot be touched—a something, however small, as a provision for a wife and children; and whether she have a fortune or not, this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged; and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not have to ask for it at inconvenient times, and thus irritate her husband.
Flirtations on either side should be avoided, not only as, matter of etiquette, but of humanity. No one who is really sincere in his professions will wish to inflict pain on the object of his affections. The same remark applies to the other side. Can it be anything but painful in the extreme for a really loving heart to see in the beloved one a tendency to trifle with the most sacred emotions of the heart?
It is not etiquette to make signal displays of devotion in public, or to be constantly sitting apart from the rest of the company; but, on the other hand, "the authorities" will do well to make occasions when the engaged pair can be by themselves, doing so, not ostentatiously, but rather doing it, without speaking of it or drawing attention to it. Nothing can make an engaged couple look more foolish, and feel more uncomfortable, than for the family to quit the room in which all have been sitting, with some such remark as: "Come away! Fanny and Mr. Amor want this room to themselves." Poor Fanny!
In equally bad taste is exclusiveness by the happy couple themselves. Their devotions should be reserved for a tete-a- tete, and women are generally in fault when it is otherwise. They like to exhibit their conquest; they cannot dispense with attentions; they forget that the demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make some one uncomfortable: the young ladies are uncomfortable because they are not equally happy; the young gentlemen detest what they call nonsense; the old think there is a time for all things.
All sitting apart, therefore, and especial displays are in bad taste; and they so often accompany insincerity, that the truest affections are apt to be those which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private interviews.
At the same time, airs of indifference and avoidance should be equally guarded against; since, however strong and mutual attachment may be, such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead others, and so produce mischief. True feeling, and a ladylike consideration for others—a point in which the present generation essentially fails—are the best guides for steering between the extremes of demonstration, on the one hand, and of frigidity on the other.
It is the lady's exclusive privilege to appoint the wedding-day; and however impatient the lover, he must submit patiently to her decree upon this important point.
When the day is fixed, it is customary for the bridegroom to have ready for the occasion a handsome present, usually a parure of jewels, but governed, of course, by his means and generosity. In France, this gift is called the corbeille de mariage, and the rule there is to make its value ten per cent. of the bride's private fortune. It consists of a handsome basket or box, containing shawls, jewels, lace, furs, gloves, fans, and a purse containing a sum of money in new gold pieces. This gift is always placed on exhibition with the rest of the wedding presents.
It is etiquette for wedding presents to be sent always to the bride, never to the bridegroom, though they be given by friends of the latter. They may be sent at any time during the week previous to the wedding-day, and it is customary to display them, handsomely arranged before the ceremony.
In sending out invitations to a wedding, there are two cards folded in the invitation in the envelope. The invitation is in the name of the bride's mother-or if she is not living, the relative or friend nearest the bride-and is as follows:
MRS. LEON CHURCH
AT HOME,
Wednesday, October 24th,
FROM 11 TILL 2 o'CLOCK.
No. 74 L—- STREET.
The two cards, one large and one small, are folded in this, which is printed upon handsome note-paper. Upon the large card is engraved:
MR. AND MRS. T. L. BURNS.
On the smaller one:
MISS CAROLINE CHURCH.
If, however, there is no bridal reception on the wedding-day, but the young people "receive" after their return from the bridal tour, the card containing their joint names contains also the date of reception, as:
MR. AND MRS. T. L. BURNS
AT HOME,
Wednesday, Novenber 17th,
FROM 11 TILL 2 O'CLOCK.
No. 614 —- STREET.
Or,
MR. AND MRS. T. L. BURNS
AT HOME,
Wednesdays in Novemnber,
FROM 11 TILL 2 O'CLOCK.
No. 614 —- STREET.
The bridal calls are not expected to be returned until the last day of reception.
The bridegroom should give to the first groomsman the control of affairs, and the money for the necessary expenses. He it is who presents the snowy bouquet to the bride, the bridegroom making a similar offering to the bridesmaids. It is the first groomsman who leads the visitors up to the young couple for the words of congratulation. It is he who gives the clergyman his fee, who engages the carriages, and, in short, makes all arrangements. If, as is often the case, the whole bridal party go to the depot to see the happy pair start for the wedding trip, it is then the first groomsman who secures tickets, checks baggage, and secures pleasant seats for the Benedict and bride. It is his duty, also, to send the notice of the marriage to the newspapers. In England but one groomsman, or "best man," is allowed to a bridal party, though the bridesmaids may number a dozen, but in this country one groomsman is allowed for every bridesmaid.
If the wedding takes place in church, it is customary to reserve the front seats in the body of the church for the relatives of the young couple.
It is the height of rudeness for any one, whether clergyman, bridegroom, or any member of the bridal train, to keep the bride waiting. The clergyman should be within the rails, the bridegroom and groomsmen should be in the vestry-room, by the time bride is due at the church. The bridesmaids may receive the bride in the vestibule, or may accompany her to the church.
The bridal party should meet in the vestry-room. Then the bride, leaning on the arm of her father, heads the procession; the bridegroom, with the bride's mother upon his arm, follows; then groomsmen and bridesmaids in couples follow.
At the altar, the bridegroom receives the bride, and the ceremony begins. The groomsmen stand behind the bridegroom, the bridesmaids behind the bride. The bride and bridegroom remove the right hand- glove in some churches; in others it is not deemed necessary. The bride stands on the left of the groom.
When the wedding takes place at the house of the bride, it is customary to divide the room, either by folding doors or a curtain, and allow the bridal party to be grouped before their friends see them. If, however, this is not convenient, they enter in the same order as in church. It is somewhat customary of late for the bride and groom to walk arm-in-arm to the altar; but it is against established etiquette; the bride should walk with her father, or, if orphaned, with whoever takes the father's place on the occasion.
Where a ring is used, it is the duty of the first bridesmaid to remove the bride's left-hand glove.
After the ceremony, the parents of the bride speak to her first; then the parents of the bridegroom before other friends. After the ceremony, the bride and groom go in the same carriage from the church to the house, or from the house to the railway depot.
If there is a breakfast or supper, the bride does not change her dress until she assumes her travelling dress.
If parties are given to the bride and groom, the groomsmen and bridesmaids must be also invited, and, if they prefer, all may wear the dress worn at the wedding. This is, however, optional.
During the fortnight following a wedding, friends of the family should call upon the mother of the bride.
It is contrary to etiquette to wear mourning to a wedding. Even in the case of a widowed mother to either of the happy pair, it is customary to wear gray, or some neutral tint, upon the wedding- day, even if the deepest mourning is resumed afterwards.
The bridal dress and the costume of the bridesmaids are not matters that come so much within the province of etiquette as of the fashions, which vary as the winds. All that etiquette requires is that good taste shall guide the whole of the arrangements. Pure white is the only color worn by the young bride, and the full veil of lace, with wreath of orange flowers, is de rigueur; but for a widow, pearl-color or tinted silk, without any veil or wreath, is better. If the bride is a maiden no longer young, it is not in good taste to wear the dress of a youthful bride. White gloves, vests, and ties are demanded for the bridegroom and groomsmen. The bridesmaids may wear colors, but a prettier effect is produced by dresses of pure white, with trimmings only of color. The travelling dress of a bride should be very modest in color and fashion, as it is in extremely bad taste to draw attention to the bride when travelling.
It is not etiquette, at a wedding or wedding reception, to congratulate the bride; it is the bridegroom who receives congratulations; the bride, wishes for her future happiness. A gentleman or lady who is acquainted with both bride and groom must speak first to the bride; but if a stranger to either, may first speak to the one with whom he is already acquainted, who will then introduce the other. If a stranger to both bride and groom, the first groomsman must make the introduction.
ETIQUETTE FOR BAPTISMS.
IN the baptisms of infants there are certain customs in the world of good society, independent of the religious ceremonies. A few hints will suffice, as each sect has its own peculiar forms known to the members of that church; we do not profess to guide these, but merely the worldly observances.
It is not customary to invite mere acquaintances to be godfather or godmother to an infant; these should be tried friends of long standing, or better still, near relations, to whom the obligations thus imposed will be pleasures and not tasks.
Never invite any friends to be godfather or godmother, who are not of the same church as the child to be baptized.
When you are invited to stand godfather or godmother to an infant, never refuse without grave cause, and then do so immediately, that the parents may have time to make other arrangements.
It is unkind, as well as impolite, to refuse to act in this capacity towards children who, from poverty or other reasons, may occupy an inferior position in society to your own.
It is customary to allow the godmother to select herself the godfather.
It is, however, customary for the maternal grandmother and the paternal grandfather to act as sponsors for the first child; the paternal grandmother and the maternal grandfather as sponsors for the second child. If the grand-parents are not living, the nearest relatives of the same church should be invited.
It is customary for the sponsors to make the babe a present. If it is a little boy, the godfather gives a silver cup, with the full name engraved upon it, and the godmother some pretty piece of silver, jewelry, or dress. If a little girl, it is the godmother who gives the cup, and the godfather the other gift. Where the sponsors are wealthy, it is not unusual to fill the christening- cup with gold pieces. The godmother often adds to her gift the christening robe and cap, both trimmed with white ribbons—for a babe should wear only pure white when presented for baptism.
It is contrary to etiquette to invite young persons to stand as sponsors for an infant.
In the Roman Catholic church, it is customary to baptize an infant as soon as possible. If the child is very delicate, it is customary to send at once for the priest, and have the ceremony per formed in the bed-room; but if the babe is healthy and likely to live, it is usually taken to the church for baptism, as young as the physician will permit.
In entering the church, the nurse, carrying the child, goes first; then follow the sponsors, who do not walk arm-in-arm; then the father, and after him the invited guests.
When the ceremony commences, the sponsors stand on each side of the child, the godfather on the right, and the godmother on the left.
The babe should be held lying in the arms of the nurse, its head upon the right arm. The cap should be tied so as to be easily unfastened and removed.
When the priest asks who are the sponsors of the child, it is sufficient for them to incline the head, without speaking.
Baptism is a gratuitous ceremony in the church, but it is customary for the father to present some token to the officiating clergyman, in the name of the babe, or, where parents are wealthy, to make a handsome donation to the poor of the parish, through the clergyman.
In the Protestant churches, it is customary to defer the baptism until the mother of the child can be present.
It is always desirable to have the ceremony performed in the church, if possible; but if there is a necessity for it, such as the illness of the child or the parents, it can take place in the house of the parents, by their special request.
No one should ever offer to act as sponsor for a child. It is the privilege of the parents to make the selection amongst their relatives or friends.
If the ceremony is performed at the house of the parents, a carriage must be sent to the house of the clergyman to convey him to the house of the parents, and wait until after the ceremony, to convey him home again. It is extremely rude to expect a clergyman to provide his own conveyance, or to walk.
Friends invited to a christening usually carry some gift to the babe; gentlemen a gift of silver, and ladies some pretty piece of needlework.
If the ceremony is performed in the house of the parents, or if the guests return there from the church, the only refreshments required by etiquette are cake and wine.
The father of the child usually gives a present of money to the nurse who carries the babe to the church.
It is not etiquette to remain long at a christening; and it is better taste for the infant to be removed to the nursery as soon as the ceremony is over. To keep a weary mother sitting up entertaining guests, or a cross, tired child on exhibition, are either of them in bad taste.
For a guest to show any annoyance if a child cries loudly, or is in any way troublesome, is the height of rudeness. Remarks or even frowns are forbidden entirely, even if the infant screams so as to make the voice of the clergyman entirely inaudible.
Etiquette requires that the babe be praised if it is shown to the guests, even if it is a little monster of pink ugliness. Ladies, especially mothers, will see something beautiful, if only its helpless innocence, and gentlemen must behold infantile graces, if they cannot actually behold them. "Mother's darling" must be the great attraction at a christening, if it only improves the occasion by a succession of yells.