VISITING.
NEVER pay any visit upon a general invitation. The Spanish hidalgo, who declares to you that his house, lands, all that he has, are yours, would be greatly surprised if you appropriated any of his things. It is the same thing, more or less, with people elsewhere who give people general invitations to take up their quarters in their houses.
There are instances of visits of a month's duration being made upon the invitation, "If you visit B—-, I hope that you will not forget that I reside there, and will be very happy to see you." Yet, even where friends are not newly made, but of long standing, it is best not to pay visits unless by special invitation. A thousand events may occur to render it inconvenient for one friend to have company that cannot be known to another, hundreds of miles, perhaps, away. If a friend really desires to extend hospitality to another, she will send her an invitation, which can be accepted with the prospect of mutual convenience and pleasure.
Even in travelling, if you are unexpectedly detained in a city where you have friends, do not drive to their house uninvited. Go first to a hotel, and let them know of your arrival, leaving it optional with them to extend hospitality. To drive at once to the house, with your baggage, forces an invitation, which may cause much annoyance and inconvenience, even if they are really glad to see you, and it also renders you liable to be accused of meanness and a desire to save your hotel bill. If you are afraid your friends will feel hurt if you do not "make their house your home," at least write to them and ascertain if they can conveniently receive you as you pass through their city. Even with relatives, it is better to announce your coming, that your hostess may so arrange her engagements and household as to leave her time to really enjoy your visit.
A special invitation should specify who is invited, and no one not mentioned should go. "Love me, love my dog," is a proverb that will not apply in such cases. A person who is invited to visit at a friend's house is not at liberty to bring children and servants who were not included in the invitation. A wife may, of course, accompany her husband, unless there be special reason to the contrary, and a husband must always have the opportunity of accompanying his wife, or joining her.
If the length of your visit is not specified in your invitation, a week is a good limit for your stay. At all events, make a move at the end of that time, and if you are invited to stay longer, and know that it is convenient for you to do so, the time can then be definitely decided upon.
When you receive an invitation by letter, answer it at the earliest possible moment, and say decidedly whether you accept or decline it. To leave your friends in doubt may prevent the same invitation being extended to others. As soon as possible after accepting an invitation, write and let your friends know by what train to expect you, and keep your engagement, that you may not keep any one waiting for you at the station for nothing. If you are unavoidably detained, write or telegraph and say so, naming another hour for your arrival.
In inviting a friend to pay you a visit, name a season when will you will be able to devote most of your time to their entertainment. Have always a room devoted especially to your guest, and be sure that no one intrudes there without a special invitation, and never enter it yourself without an invitation to do so. Before the arrival of a guest, see yourself that the room is in perfect order, well warmed if in winter, shaded and cool if in summer; let there be every convenience for bath and change of dress, and writing materials and stamps ready to write if desired before unpacking. Have always a feather bed and mattress, both feather and hair pillows upon the bed, that your guest may have the choice. Many prefer feathers in the warmest weather, others a mattress even in winter. Let the fire, in winter, be made every morning before your guest rises, and keep a good supply of fuel in the room.
It is the duty of the host to send a carriage to the depot to meet an expected visitor, and if possible to go himself. After a warm welcome, show the guest at once to the room prepared, and give ample time for a bath and change of dress, if it is in the day time. If the arrival is late in the evening, have a substantial supper prepared, and then allow the traveller to retire, being careful that on the first arrival the breakfast can be ready at a late hour, that your friend may not be disturbed to breakfast with the family.
It is the duty of the hostess to share the meals of a guest, no matter how irregular; but any truly polite person will pay strict attention to the customary meal times.
When staying with friends, endeavor as much as possible to conform to their regular habits. Be punctual at meal times. Ascertain over-night the hour for breakfast, and be particular to be dressed in time for it. After breakfast, it is customary to leave visitors to their own devices, unless some special arrangement is made for the forenoon; but the hostess should introduce her guests to the piano, billiard-table, portfolios library-any device for passing time at her command; and the visitor should accept this hint, and expect no further attention during the forenoon.
It is, however, the duty of the host and hostess to accompany their guests to any points of interest in their city or neighborhood, to accompany them if they desire to do any shopping, and if they have any special habit, as rising late, napping in the afternoon, or other little self-indulgence, to see that they are never disturbed in it.
It is also a kindly courtesy, if your friends have acquaintances ill the city beside yourself, to inform them of their arrival, even if strangers to yourself, and invite them to call, dine, or take tea during the visit. If you give your guests a party, you must invite all their friends in the city, even if they are strangers to yourself. Invite them in your guest's name, enclosing your own invitation in theirs.
Host and hostess should give up as much of their time as possible to their guests, and should see that they are amused and taken care of. It is a mistake, however, to suppose that visitors require constant attention, and they should be careful not to "bore" them by over-attention, which savors of fussiness. A guest will often under such circumstances long for a lonely hour to devote to music, reading, or sewing, but does not like to express the desire.
The truest courtesy is for the host to make his visitor feel as much at home as possible, and for the visitor to disturb the host's household as little as possible.
Where a lady is visiting, she may with perfect propriety offer to assist her hostess in her household duties or family sewing; but if she declines, it is bad taste to insist. She should, however, leave her hostess free for such duties in the morning, being always ready to join her in the sitting-room when she is at leisure.
It is a graceful way to acknowledge the kindness of your hostess to work whilst with her upon some piece of embroidery, a pianocover, a sofa-cushion, or some article of dress, which you present to her when finished as a memento of your visit.
For a guest to make outside engagements, disregard the meal times, visit without consulting the host or hostess, is to treat the house of a friend as if it were a hotel, and is not only rude, but positively insulting.
It is best, if you are visiting a large city, and desire to do shopping or to transact business, to select the hours when you know your entertainers are otherwise engaged for such business, and not tax them to accompany you, unless they have similar affairs requiring attention, when it may be pleasanter to have company.
Neither hostess nor guest may accept any invitations which do not include the other.
If either hostess or visitor is in mourning, the other must decline all invitations during the visit, giving that as a reason. It is always accepted in society as sufficient excuse.
If any sudden trouble comes into a house where you are visiting, try to be of service. Let your friend feel that you have not visited her for gayety alone, but are glad to sympathize in her trouble. If sickness or death come, share the nursing, try to relieve the hostess of some of her family cares, if it is only taking the children into your own room or out for a walk; be ready to do the shopping required for mourning, and take away every painful detail you can. There is no comfort so great as a really useful sympathizing friend in times of trouble; yet if relatives come and require rooms, if you find you are a restraint and can be of no use, it is the truest kindness to shorten your visit, and leave the mourners free to comfort each other.
When visiting, never depend upon your host for writing or sewing materials; but it is a delicate attention for you, if hostess, to have your guest's room amply supplied with both.
It is extremely rude for visitors to make comparisons between the house at which they are visiting and others where they have enjoyed hospitality. To inform your hostess indirectly that her house, furniture, table, or servants are inferior to those of other friends, is insulting, and it is as much so to cast the slur upon the first house visited by vaunting the superiority of the second.
To a certain extent, use your friend's servants as your own wholly so as far as your own personal wants require their services. Ask for whatever you want in your own room, and give any requisite directions to the servant who waits upon you. Do not trouble the mistress of the house with matters which in your own house you would give to a servant. At the same time, avoid being troublesome; put out your own washing, and any extra work you require done, and never call upon the servants at hours when they are otherwise employed.
If you are unfortunate enough during a visit to injure any article of furniture in your own room, have it repaired or replaced at once at your own expense.
It is a graceful compliment for a gentleman during a visit to bring flowers, fruit, books, or confectionery occasionally to the hostess, and a lady friend will be gratefully remembered if she is kind to the children.
If a gift is made, it must be to the hostess, or if there are several children, to the youngest. If children are over twelve years old, it is better to give any present to the mother; but you will never give offence by a gift to the baby. A gentleman may give baby jewelry, and a lady a piece of handsome needlework. You may be sure the parents will find no fault with this acknowledgment of their hospitality.
Always hold yourself at the disposal of those in whose house you are staying. If they propose to ride, drive, walk, or other wise occupy the day, you must take it for granted that these plans are made with reference to your enjoyment. You should receive them with cheerfulness and enter into them with alacrity, doing your best to seem pleased, and be pleased, by the efforts made to entertain you. Never mind if it is the twentieth time you have driven to "see the lovely view from the hill four miles from here," or you have paid a dozen previous visits to "that beautiful waterfall just above the lake;" you must find a new tree to admire, or a new point to sketch every time you go.
It is not expected that the host or hostess can devote the entire day to guests. Sir Walter Scott's conduct towards his guests at Abbotsford furnishes a model of hospitality. He never saw them till dinner; but whilst he was busily engaged in writing, he left his house, servants, carriages, horses, and grounds at their entire disposal.
Byron gives a perfect picture of guest life at a country house:
"The gentlemen got up betimes to shoot,
Or hunt; the young, because they liked the sport
The first thing boys like, after play and fruit;
The middle-aged, to make the day more short;
For ennui is a growth of English root,
Though nameless in our language-we retort
The fact for words, and let the French translate
That awful yawn which sleep cannot abate.
"The elderly walked through the library,
And tumbled books, or criticized the pictures,
Or sauntered through the garden piteously,
And made upon the hot-house several strictures;
Or rode a nag which trotted not too high,
Or in the morning papers read their lectures;
Or on the watch their longing eyes would fix,
Longing at sixty for the hour of six."
"But none were 'gene;' the great hour of union
Was rung by dinner's knell! till then all were
Masters of their own time-or in communion,
Or solitary, as they chose to bear
The hours,-which how to pass to few is known.
Each rose up at his own, and had to spare
What time he chose for dress, and broke his fast
When, where, and how he chose for that repast."'
In this country, hospitality is but seldom conducted on the lavish broad scale possible at an English country residence; but, as far as possible, it is better to allow guests perfect liberty for breakfast hour and morning employments.
Great discretion must be used among guests to avoid all criticism on their host, his friends, his household, his manner of living, and all that concerns him. If anything goes wrong during the visit, one should seem not to see it. If the dinner is late, it is very impolite to appear impatient. If any plan falls to the ground, no comments or disapproval must be indulged in, and no disappointment betrayed. If the children of the house are fractious, or noisy, or ill-bred, a visitor must never find fault with their behavior.
The same caution must be exercised in the treatment of your friend's friends. They may be such as you do not care to become intimate with; but you must not evince dislike or special avoidance, and must always have recourse rather to a negative than a positive line of conduct. A person of tact can always keep people at a distance without hurting their feelings.
Your host's horses, carriages, books, and grounds should be even more carefully used than if they were your own. A goodnatured man will delight in seeing his visitors enjoy all the good things he places at their disposal; but they should not abuse his indulgence. To ride a horse too far or too fast, to dog's-ear or blot the books in the library, to gather choice and favorite flowers, are all signs of an under-bred and selfish nature. Above all, we should be thoughtful in our treatment of the servants, never commenting upon their shortcomings, or scolding them.
The religious opinions, especially of those from whom we are receiving hospitality, must on no account be shocked, scoffed at, or in any way treated with a want of respect. If our friends go regularly to church, we should accompany them there; or, without remark, repair to the place of worship most agreeable to our own religious convictions. If family prayers are read, we should endeavor to be present. If silent grace is the custom at meal times, our heads must also bow, and a short mental prayer be said. If the Sunday is observed with great strictness, we should refrain from any pursuits to which objection could possibly be made, even if they appear to ourselves perfectly proper and innocent. In short, we must remember that for the time the feelings and prejudices of the host and hostess are our own.
There is no occasion when it is more necessary to remember that social intercourse is made up of innumerable little acts of kindness, self-denial, charity, chivalry, and good-fellowship, than when a number of people find themselves thrown together for companionship in the house of some mutual friend.
Letters delivered in the presence of the host or hostess, or when the other guests are present, must not be opened until the receiver asks permission to read them.
A lady may never offer to pay any of the expenses incurred by taking her about—carriage hire, steamboat fares, or such outlay nor must a gentleman do so unless he is the only gentleman of the party. It will then be well for the hostess, before starting, to hand him the necessary tickets previously purchased.
When a guest is ready to leave you, be sure that the trunks are strapped and ticketed, a carriage ready in good season, a luncheon prepared for refreshment upon the journey, a substantial meal ready in good season for comfortable enjoyment of it, and the departure made as pleasant as possible.
"Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest." It is the first duty of the guest, after returning home, to write to the host or hostess, expressing the pleasure derived from the visit, and mentioning each member of the family by name, desiring to be remembered to all.