VISITING CARDS.
THE fashion of cards is a variable one. It may be the fashion to- day to have them large, square, and printed upon rough surfaces; to-morrow they may be small, long, and highly glazed; now they are engraved; now written. In fact, there are too many freaks and changes to mention all; but etiquette requires always perfect simplicity. An ornamental visiting card is simply detestable.
Glazed cards are not now in vogue, but they may be again, and ladies' cards are cut much smaller than those used by gentlemen.
Persons who have a city and country residence must have two sets of cards, with the residence at the time of calling engraved on the left-hand corner, thus:
MRS. JOHN POTTS,
No. 27 —- STREET,
while Mrs. Potts is in the city, and
MRS. JOHN POTTS, CEDARS,
when Mrs. Potts is out of town. Visiting cards must never bear a business address.
All merely honorary or official designations must be omitted, except in cards designed for official visits only.
Officers of the army or navy may use their title or not, as preferred, as:
CAPT. JAMES BURNS, U.S.A.,
Or,
JAMES BURNS, U.S.A.,
are either of them correct, the former having the advantage of putting the receiver in possession at once of his visitor's rank, the latter allowing scope for promotion or change of title. For militia officers to use their titles upon visiting cards is a piece of affectation utterly absurd. Members of Congress are always entitled to use the "Hon." before the name on their visiting cards, even after their term of office has expired. Judges and physicians are also allowed to use their titles; but no other professional men.
Cards should be engraved in simple Italian characters, and without flourish, embossed surface, or even ostentatiously large letters.
Every visiting card should have the address in small letters in the left-hand corner. If used when in a strange city, the usual address may be scored in lead-pencil, and the temporary one written under the name, thus:
MR. AND MRS. WILLIAM LEIGH,
No. 207 —- STREET. ST. JAMES HOTEL.
It is optional with unmarried ladies to use the prefix to their names.
Gentlemen without military, naval, official, or professional titles generally omit any prefix but may use the abbreviation "Mr." if they desire.
Autograph visiting cards are conceited affectations. The autograph of distinguished characters may be desirable; but it is precisely that class of people who would be least likely to use them. A neatly engraved card is en regle; printed ones look cheap, and are not suitable for visiting.
Persons in mourning should use cards with black borders.
Young unmarried ladies may use separate cards, or may have their names added to their mother's, thus:
MRS. JOSEPH BANKS. MISS LUCY BANKS.
Leave-taking cards have P. P. C. (pour prendre conge) written in the right-hand corner.
Wedding cards are in the best taste when perfectly simple.
It is a breach of etiquette to leave a card after being informed that the person visited is at home.
When you have been informed of an important event in the family of a friend-a birth, a marriage, or a death-if you are unable to offer personal congratulation or condolence, you may leave a card within a week.
If you reside in another city, you may send your card by post, with the word "felicitation" under the name. A mournful event calls for a letter.
A card left for two or more members of the same family must have a corner turned down.
A card with a photograph portrait upon it, though to a certain extent fashionable, is a vulgarism that can never obtain general favor. If you are a gentleman, your visage may be reserved by the chambermaid, to exhibit as "one of her beaux," and no lady, surely, would ever display her face on a visiting card.
Gentlemen presenting flowers or other gifts to ladies should always attach a card, and over the name write, "With compliments of."
Christmas gifts, when sent, should be accompanied by the card of the giver.
Loans of books or music, when returned, should always be accompanied by the card of the borrower.
LETTER WRITING.
NO one should write letters at all who cannot write in a clear, fair hand, that "those who run may read." In a busy age like the present, when every one's time has a certain value, we have no right to impose the reading of hieroglyphics upon our correspondents. "I's" should be dotted, "t's" crossed, and capitals used in their proper places, and only the most obvious abbreviations indulged in. Punctuation is equally de regueur; the most unimportant letters should be carefully punctuated; and the habit is so easily acquired, and so simple, that after a while it entails no more time or thought than dotting the "i's."
The handwriting of a lady or gentleman should not be commercial or scholastic, but firm and characteristic. All affectations in writing should be avoided, such as sloping one's hand to the left, the use of flourishes, undue size in the characters, or a diminutiveness of the same to try eyesight and patience. The signature should be simple and unostentatious. Nothing can be more absurd than to see a person whose name can have no significance to the world in general, sign himself as elaborately as if he were the Pope or President at least,
Underlining should only be resorted to when the underlined word is of really great importance. Many ladies carry this practice to excess, and so rob it of all significance, as a speaker who emphasized every other word would not be heeded when he needed to be emphatic. What can be more absurd than such a sentence as the following:
"We are all very sorry to hear that you cannot come to visit us this summer, as we expected, and wish your business was not so engrossing."
For the ordinary correspondence of a lady or gentleman it is advisable to use white note-paper of good quality, and the size distinguished as "commercial note."
If monograms or initials are used, they should be as simple as possible, and in white or black only. Gilt or colored monograms are in bad taste.
Red sealing-wax is admissible only for business letters, and wafers are entirely out of style.
In mourning, the paper and envelopes may have a black border suitable to the relationship of the dead, and the length of time the mourning has been worn. In the deepest mourning, exaggerations of black border are unbecoming and in bad taste. Real grief is always unostentatious.
No letter should contain erasures under any circumstances.
The stamp should be placed exactly in the right-hand corner of the envelope; it must neither be up-side-down, nor slanting, nor in any way carelessly affixed. Negligence in these matters evinces a rudeness to the person to whom you write, as hinting that you think anything will do.
Blots and smears are almost too gross pieces of carelessness to be commented upon. After ten years of age, they are entirely inexcusable.
Never omit your own name and address from a letter, whether of business or friendship.
In writing to persons with whom you are but slightly acquainted, use as few words as possible. You are not authorized in taking up much of their time. It is only in correspondence with very intimate friends that long letters are permissible. If occasion necessitates a letter to a very busy person, politeness requires that it should be framed as curtly as is consistent with civility and perspicuity. It is unpardonable to waste really valuable time, because we do not choose to be at the trouble of concentrating our thoughts and sparing our words.
In writing to our friends or acquaintances, we should never communicate bad news abruptly; but should lead the way to it in such a manner as to soften the blow. A great deal of pain may be avoided by a proper choice of words.
We should scrupulously avoid writing too frequently, or at too great a length, of our own losses and misfortunes. To do this is merely thoughtless egotism. We may have a right to expect sympathy from our friends, but we have no right to make our letters inflictions. Letters should invariably be written cheerfully if possible, and, at least, in a tone of resignation.
An ill-tempered letter is as great a mistake as a lachrymose one. Nothing is so inexpedient as to write a letter in a fit of indignation and anger. If you must give way to your feelings, write your letter, but let it remain unposted until the next day; read it over then, and you will probably put it in the fire.
It is better, if possible, to seek an interview with the person who has wronged or affronted you. Spoken recrimination or reproof is forgotten; but when you have once written down and issued your angry thoughts, they are irrevocable, and a sure source of after regret.
In dealing with those who may have treated you unfairly, be civil in your letters. Be as haughty as you please, and state your grievance in plain, unvarnished terms, and there end. If the truth does not sting, nothing you can add to it will do so; and vituperation, though it does not injure the person upon whom you bestow it, injures your own cause, and detracts seriously from the proper dignity of your own position.
In writing, as in conversation, egotism is a capital offence. We have no more right to be egotistic on paper than we have a right to be dull or disagreeable. A letter should be like a visit, bright, inspiriting, and a reflex of our best mood. Above all, it should be kind and sympathetic.
There are letters whose arrival we hail as we should that of a new book by a delightful writer, or the visit of a brilliant acquaintance.
Again, there are others, the delivery of which, anticipating all the dullness and verbosity with which they are certain to be filled, we dread like the incursions of a well-known bore. Who would not wish to be the writer of the one? Who would not take any amount of pains with his correspondence to avoid being dreaded as the other?
Always answer any letter that may be addressed to you, no matter who the writer may be. If the letter be from one who has no business to write to you, nevertheless acknowledge it, and by your style and manner check further impertinence. Thus:
WASHINGTON, D. C., Jan. 7th, 18-. SIR:
I write to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of the 5th inst., acquainting me with your opinion of my speech in Congress on the 27th ultimo.
I am, sir,
Your obedient servant,
JAMES M. —-
Mr. P. C. LITTLETON,
Philadelphia.
Business letters generally have the name of the firm or person to whom they are addressed written above the "Gentlemen." or "Sir," as:
"Messrs. DICK & FITZGERALD:
"Gentlemen,"
Or,
"JOHN BROWN, ESQ.:
"Dear sir."
The name of the place from which the letter is written, the date, the full name of writer and receiver, should be given in some part of a letter. The practice of heading a note "Monday," without a date, and signing it "Charlie," is very embarrassing; it makes it difficult to answer a note unless immediately, when the day of the week can be readily identified with the day of the month, and when the receiver knows who his correspondent really is. Besides this, in the event of the letter miscarrying, it cannot be returned if there be no surname attached to the signature. A most important lawsuit in London was lost by a letter, of great value and significance otherwise, being dropped from the evidence for want of identification, being directed, "Dearest Tootings," and signed, "Your loving Poppets." It may seem absurd that a letter of weight could contain such silliness; but it was a fact.
Do not write on scraps of paper, as if your correspondence were not worth the cost of a proper sheet. Neither use old envelopes turned, as some people are wont to do.
Always be sure that your letter has sufficient stamps upon it to fully prepay its weight.
Do not enclose stamps for an answer unless the matter be a business one, and your own proper affair.
Should you send manuscript subject to approval to an editor, enclose stamps sufficient to pay for its return. You have no right to put another to this expense, especially as you already require from him a sacrifice of time, in order to look over what you have sent.
Anonymous communications are both cowardly and ill-bred. Under no circumstances should they be written. The fire is the only fit asylum for them when received. The Gunpowder Plot might have been revealed openhandedly, and the anonymous letter even in that case nearly missed its aim. The only anonymous communications which can be tolerated are the harmless missives called valentines. These, however, have fallen out of favor in polite society. Children and servants are the chief supporters of the manufacturers of the gorgeous love-letters.
In writing to a person who is the guest of another, take care to place the name of the host or hostess on the cover of your letter. Some people address the letter in such a case to the host, and inscribe the name of their correspondent in the left-hand corner, thus:
JAMES GORDON, ESQ.,
No. 347 —- Street,
New York.
For Mrs. T. C. BATES.
This practice is very likely to lead to an unintentional opening of the letter by the wrong person; for a cursory glance at the cover would seem to show that the letter was intended for the person whose name was most prominent. The letter should have been directed, to the person for whom it was intended first, thus:
Mrs. T. C. BATES,
Care of JAMES GORDON, Esq.,
No. 347 —- Street,
New York.
Unless very well acquainted with your correspondent, do not use terms implying intimacy.
Business letters usually commence with "Sir," "Gentlemen," "Dear
Sir," or "Dear Sirs," and end with, "I am, Sir (or Gentlemen),
Your obedient servant," etc.
Official letters invariably begin with the title of the person addressed, and then "Sir," if a civilian or the rank of an officer.
If the letter be to the head of a Department, to a high Government official, or to a superior officer, it is customary to write in a strain a little more deferential than ordinary, so that, instead of saying, as you would to a friend, "I have to acquaint you," "I have to acknowledge the receipt of your letter," you would say, "I have the honor to acknowledge." The ending, too, of such letters should be slightly different: "I have the honor to be, General, Your obedient servant," taking the place of "I am, sir," etc.
In official communications, margins are always left, so as to allow of notations being made for the purpose of framing an answer, and the backs of the pages should be left blank for the same purpose. It is not customary to write down quite to the bottom of the page, but to take ample room for the substance of the letter.
Unless writing officially, or to some public person, it is not customary in this country to give a man all the titles which may belong to him.
Remember that "brevity is the soul of wit." Let your letters be concisely written, not too bluntly, but in a clear, straightforward style, going at once to the subjects you desire to mention, with as little preamble as possible. Use the passive instead of the active voice. To do so prevents the continual thrusting forward of the first person singular into the letter, and gives a more modest appearance to the text.
Short notes to strangers on business—as, for instance, in reference to the character of a servant, asking for some information, etc.—should be written in the third person singular, thus:
"Mrs. Wright presents her compliments to Mrs. Left, and will feel greatly obliged by any information respecting the character and qualifications of Jane Broom, who has applied for a situation as housemaid in Mrs. Wright's household.
"No.27 F—- Street, Jan 9th, 1869."
The answer should also be written in the third person, and should contain as much information as possible relative to the points inquired about, stating whether the servant is honest, sober, and truthful, and what is her experience of her disposition and habits.
In writing to a servant, or to one considerably below your own station, the following form may be used:
"Jane Broom is hereby informed that Mrs. Wright is willing to engage her as housemaid from the 15th of January, 1869. "No. 27 F Street, Jan. 10th, 1869." Or this:
"Jane Broom—your character is satisfactory, and you can enter my service on Saturday, the 15th of January."
Or this:
"Mrs. Wright is satisfied with Jane Broom's character, and informs her that she may enter Mrs. Wright's service as housemaid on Saturday next."
In sending any communication to a newspaper or magazine, address to "The Editor," and not to any private person connected with the publication. By so doing, you will better secure attention than if you trouble the editor at his own house by addressing him by his own name. Besides this, some one may be acting for the editor, and if he sees the packet addressed to the name of the absentee, he will not feel free to open it, but will send it to him, whereby confusion and delay, possibly loss of the manuscript, may ensue.
There are six parts to every letter: the date, the complimentary address, the body of the letter, the complimentary closing, the signature, the address or superscription; thus:
(Date) PETERSBURG, Va., June 18th, 1869.
(Complimentary address) JAMES MUNROE, Esq.:
DEAR Sir: (Body of the letter) Your most welcome letter, announcing your intention of visiting our city, reached me this morning. I hasten to answer to beg that you will make my house your home during your stay, and inform me by what train I may expect you, that I may meet you at the depot. Leaving all else for the first conversation,
(Complimentary closing) I am, my dear friend,
YOURS VERY TRULY, (Signature) P. T. JONES.
(Address or Superscription) JAMES MUNROE, ESQ., Bangor, Maine.
THE LADY'S TOILET.
PERHAPS, in these days of public and private baths, it may seem a work of supererogation to insist upon cleanliness as the first requisite in a lady's toilet. Yet it may be as well to remind our fair readers that fastidiousness on this head cannot be carried too far. Cleanliness is the outward sign of inward purity. Cleanliness is health, and health is beauty.
We will begin, then, with the business of the dressing-room, which can be quite well performed in three-quarters of an hour, or even less; and should at latest be achieved by eight o'clock in summer, and nine in winter. To sleep too much is as trying to the constitution as to sleep too little. To sleep too much is to render oneself liable to all kinds of minor ailments, both of mind and body. It is a habit that cannot be too severely censured, especially in the young. No mother has any right to allow her young daughters to ruin their temper, health, and complexion, by lying in bed till nine or ten o'clock. Early rising conduces more to the preservation of health, freshness, and young looks, than anything in the world, and even to the proper preservation of our mental faculties.
The bath is a most important object of study. It is not to be supposed that we wash in order to become clean; we wash because we wish to remain clean. The bath should be taken by a person in good health once a day in winter, and twice a day in summer. For persons of really robust constitutions, a cold shower-bath may be recommended; but as a general rule the sponge-bath is safest and most convenient. Cold water refreshes and invigorates, but does not cleanse; those persons, therefore, who daily use a cold bath in the morning should frequently use a warm one at night. For cleansing purposes, the water should be of from ninety-six to one hundred degrees, or even one hundred and eight degrees; but such a bath should be sparingly indulged in, as it exhausts the physical powers.
A tepid bath, varying from eighty-five to ninety-five degrees, is perhaps the safest for general use, the more particulary as it answers the purpose both of refreshing and cleansing. It is not well to remain in the bath for longer than two or three minutes. A large coarse sponge is best for the purpose. It is advisable to wet the top of the head before entering a cold bath. Whether soap be used or not, it is well to apply the flesh-brush gently to the face and vigorously to the whole body. Nothing improves the complexion like the daily use of the flesh-brush. When the brushing is concluded, a huck-a-back or Turkish towel should be used for the final process of drying.
The teeth must be scrupulously cared for. If proper care were taken of the teeth in youth, there would be less employment for the dentist in after life. The Americans ruin their teeth by drinking iced drinks with hot dinners; the Spanish ladies by eating sugar all day long; the Mexicans by smoking cigarettes. Very hot and very sweet things should be avoided. The teeth should be carefully brushed, not only night and morning, but after every meal. Very hard tooth-brushes are not advisable, and a simple tooth-powder of common chalk is safer and more effectual than any quackeries. The onion, we need scarcely observe, must be the forbidden fruit of the Eve of the nineteenth century. Indigestible food is also certain to affect the sweetness of the breath. As soon as the breath becomes unpleasant, one may be quite sure that the digestive machinery is out of order.
The nails must always be fastidiously clean, and never allowed to grow inordinately long. In the cutting of the nails, every care must be given to the preservation of the shape, and to the removal of superfluous skin. A liberal use of the nail-brush, warm water, and best Windsor soap will insure the preservation of a delicate hand. Gloves must of course be worn out of doors; and even in doors as much as possible.
The hair requires a good deal of care, though of the simplest and most inartificial kind. The secret of fine and glossy hair is a clean hair-brush; and ladies who keep no maid to perform those offices for them should wash their hair-brushes in hot water and soda every day. Every other day is the minimum of washing that a hair-brush should have.
Once secure the perfect cleanliness of your hair-brush, and the rest will be easy. Brush the hair carefully both at night and morning; let it be occasionally cleansed with yolk of egg beaten up, or a mixture of glycerine and lime-juice, and you will find no need to resort to hair-doctors or quacks. Pomade and oil are strictly to be avoided; but after a sea-water bath, or during a sea journey, a little warm pomade will be useful in softening the hair.
Above all things, never attempt to change the color of the hair by means of fashionable dyes and fluids. Color so obtained cannot harmonize naturally with the skin, eyes, and eyebrows that Nature has given. Practices of this kind are simply and strictly immodest. They evince a senseless desire for fashion, and an equally senseless eagerness to attract. Auricomus hair-dyes, like painted lips and cheeks, and pencilled eyebrows, and complexions purchased, are disgraceful to the wearers. With regard to the art of obtaining a good complexion, let ladies be careful in regard to diet, take regular exercise in the open air, wear broad-brimmed hats in the sun, and veils in the wind; let them avoid pearl powders and washes of every kind; let them, above all things, go early to bed, and rise betimes in the morning; and if by so doing they are not made "beautiful forever," they can never be made so.
The face should never be washed when heated from exercise. Wipe the perspiration from the skin, and wait until it is sufficiently cool before you bathe, even with warm water. Rain-water is best for the bath. In case of any eruption upon the skin, no time should be lost in procuring medical advice. He who doctors himself, says the proverb, has a fool for his physician.
With regard to dress, it is impossible to do more than offer a few general observations. The fashion of dress is for to-day; but the esthetics of dress are for all time. No matter to what absurd lengths fashion may go, a woman of taste will ever avoid the ridiculous. The milliner and dressmaker may handle the scissors never so despotically, but in matters of color, harmony, and contrast they remain under the control of their employer. Dress, indeed, may fairly claim to be considered in the light of a fine art. To dress well demands something more than a full purse and a pretty figure. It requires taste, good sense, and refinement.
A woman of taste and good sense will neither make dress her first nor her last object in life. She will remember that no wife should betray that total indifference for her husband's taste which is implied in the neglect of her appearance; and she will also remember that to dress consistently and tastefully is one of the duties which she owes to society.
There is a Spanish proverb which says, "Every hair has its shadow." So. in like manner, every lady, however insignificant her social position may appear to herself, must exercise a certain influence on the feelings and opinions of others. If, therefore, the art of dressing appears either too irksome or too frivolous to such of the fair sex as are engaged in serious occupations, let them remember that it performs the same part in beautifying domestic life as is performed by music and the fine arts in embellishing the life moral and spiritual. So long, therefore, as dress merely occupies so much time and requires so much money as we are fairly entitled to allow it, nothing can be said against it. When extravagant fashions are indulged in—extravagant habits fostered at any cost—and under any circumstances—the critic is quite justified in his strictures, however severe. Dress, to be in perfect taste, need not be costly; and no woman of right feeling will adorn her person at the expense of her husband's comfort or her children's education.
"As a work of art, a well-dressed woman is a study." Her toilet will be as bien soignee and as well chosen at the family breakfast-table as at a ball. If she loves bright colors and can wear them with impunity, they will be as harmoniously arranged as the artist arranges his colors on the palette. If she is young, her dress will be youthful; if she is old, it will not affect simplicity. She will always follow rather than lead the prevailing fashion, and rather follow her own fashion than violate good taste or common sense.
The golden rule in dress is to avoid extremes. Do not be so original in your dress as to be peculiar; and do not affect fashions that are radically unbecoming to you. Ladies that are neither very young nor very striking in appearance cannot do better than wear quiet colors. Ladies who are not rich can always appear well dressed, with a little care in the choice and arrangement of the materials. Whatever the texture of the dress, it should be made by the very best dressmaker you call afford. As well go to a third or fourth-rate dentist, music-master, or doctor, as go to a third or fourth-rate dressmaker. The dressmaker is a woman's good or evil genius.
Morning dress should be faultless in its way. For young ladies, married or unmarried, nothing is prettier in summer than white or very light morning dresses of washing materials. Light dresses must be exquisitely fresh and clean, ribbons fresh, collars and cuffs irreproachable. All stuffs are to be rigidly eschewed except those of the very finest kind. Morning dress for elderly ladies of wealth and position should be of dark silk. Jewelry, hair ornaments, and light silk dresses are not permissible for morning wear.
Walking dress should always be quiet. Rich walking dress attracts attention, which in the street is not desirable. For the carriage, a lady may dress as elegantly as she pleases.
Elderly ladies should always dress richly. Any thin old lady may wear delicate colors, whilst a stout, florid person looks best in dark or gray. For young as well as old, the question of color must, however, be determined by complexion and figure. Rich colors harmonize with rich brunette complexions and dark hair; delicate colors are the most suitable for delicate and fragile styles of beauty.
For ball dresses, light and diaphanous materials are worn; silk dresses are not suitable for dancing. Black and scarlet, black and violet, or white, are worn in mourning; but ladies in deep mourning should not go to balls at all. They must not dance, and their dark dresses look out of place in a gay assembly.
At dinner parties, unless of a small, friendly kind, only the fullest dress is appropriate. Demi-toilette can be worn at unceremonious dinners, and even high dresses, if the material be sufficiently rich. It is better to wear real flowers at large dinner parties, but artificial ones at balls; since the former would drop and fall to pieces with the heat and the dancing.
Much jewelry is out of place for young ladies at any time; and, indeed, there is as much propriety to be observed in the wearing of jewelry as in the wearing of dresses. Diamonds, pearls, rubies, and all transparent precious stones belong to evening dress, and should never be worn before dinner. In the morning, one's rings should be of the simplest kind, and one's jewelry limited to a good brooch, gold chain, and watch. Diamonds and pearls are as much out of place during the morning as a low dress or a wreath.
It is well to remember in the choice of jewelry that mere costliness is not always the test of value; and that an exquisite work of art, such as a fine intaglio or cameo, or a natural rarity, such as a black pearl, is a possession more distingue than a large brilliant which any one who has money enough can buy as well as yourself. Of all precious stones, the opal is the most lovely and commonplace. No merely vulgar woman purchases an opal.
Gloves, shoes, and boots must always be faultless. Gloves cannot be too light for the carriage, or too dark for the streets. A woman with ill-fitting gloves cannot be said to be well dressed; while to wear soiled ones at your friend's soiree is to show her that you think lightly of herself and her company.
It may be remarked, by the way, that perfumes should be used only in the evening, and with the strictest moderation. Perfumes, to be tolerable, must be of the most recherche kind. Some people, of a sensitive temperament, would be made ill by the smell of musk or patchouli. Finally, let every lady remember Dr. Johnson's criticism on a lady's dress: "I am sure she was well dressed," said the Doctor; "for I cannot remember what she had on."
THE GENTLEMAN'S TOILET.
IT has been aptly said that "the bath deserves an Order." The first requisite of a gentleman's toilet is undoubtedly the bath, which should be as bracing as the constitution will allow, and used morning and evening in summer, and every day in winter. Country gentlemen, who live much in the open air, and take plenty of exercise, have no excuse for shirking the cold shower-bath; but denizens of cities, and men who are obliged to lead very sedentary lives, cannot indulge with equal safety in this luxury, and must never continue it in the teeth of reason and experience. Only physiques of finest quality can endure, much more benefit by, a cold-water shock all the year round; and though physique is always improvable, great reformation must not be attempted rashly. Let the bath of from sixty to seventy degrees be freely indulged in by the strong, and even by the less robust, in summer time; but in winter a temperature varying from eighty-five to ninety-five degrees is the safest. The flesh-brush should be vigorously applied to all parts of the body, after which the skin must be carefully dried with Turkish or huck-a-back towels. It is well to remain without clothing for some little time after bathing. Nothing is so healthy as exposure of the body to air and sun; a French physician has recommended the sun-bath as a desirable hygienic practice. A bath in fresh water should always be taken after a sea-dip.
The next thing to be done is to clean the teeth. This should be done with a good hard tooth-brush at least twice a day. Smokers should rinse the mouth immediately after smoking, and should be careful to keep the teeth scrupulously clean. The nails should also be kept exquisitely clean and short. Long nails are are an abomination.
Our advice to those who shave is, like Punch's advice to those about to marry "Don't." But it must by no means be understood that suffering the beard to grow is a process that obviates all trouble. The beard should be carefully and frequently washed, well trimmed, and well combed, and the hair and whiskers kept scrupulously clean by the help of clean, stiff hair-brushes, and soap and warm water. The style of the beard should be adapted to the form of the face; but any affectation in the cut of the beard and whiskers is very objectionable, and augurs unmitigated vanity in the wearer. Long hair is never indulged in except by painters and fiddlers. The moustache should be worn neat, and not overlarge.
Beau Brummell spent two hours in dressing; but a gentleman can perform all the duties of his toilet to perfection in less than half that time.
A great French writer has said, with as much grace as philosophy, that the artist and man of letters needs only a black coat, and the absence of all pretension, to place him on the level of the best society. It must be observed, however, that this remark applies only to the intellectual workers, who, if they do occasionally commit a minor solecism in dress and manners, are forgiven on account of their fame and talents. It is not enough that a man should be clever, or well educated, or well born, to take his place in society; he must be acquainted with all that this chapter, and, indeed, this little volume throughout, professes to teach.
A gentleman should always be so well dressed that his dress shall never be remarked at all. Does this sound like an enigma? It is not meant for one. It only implies that perfect simplicity is perfect elegance, and that the true test of dress in the toilet of a gentleman is its entire harmony, unobtrusiveness, and becomingness. Displays should be avoided. Let a sensible man leave the graces and luxuries of dress to his wife, daughters, and sisters, and not seek distinction in the trinkets on his watch- chain, or the pattern of his waistcoat. To be too much in the fashion is as vulgar as to be too far behind it. No really well- bred man follows every new cut he sees in his tailor's fashion- book. Only very young men are guilty of this folly.
A man whose dress is appropriate, neat, and clean, will always look like a gentleman; but to dress appropriately, one must have a varied wardrobe. This should not, on the average, cost more than a tenth part of his income. No man can afford more than a tenth of his income for dress.
The author of Pelham has aptly said that "a gentleman's coat should not fit too well." There is great truth and subtlety in this observation. To be fitted too well is to look like a tailor's dummy.
In the morning, wear a frock coat, and trousers of light or dark color, as befits the season. When in the country or at the seaside, gray or shooting costumes are best.
In the evening, though you spend it alone with your family, wear a black dress suit; and if you have sons, bring them up to do the same.
It is the observance of these trifles in domestic etiquette that marks the true gentleman. For evening parties, dinner parties, and balls wear a black dress coat, black trousers, black silk or cloth waistcoat, thin patent-leather boots, a white cravat, and white kid gloves. Abjure all fopperies, such as white silk linings, silk collars, etc.; above all, the shirt-front should be plain. At small, unceremonious parties, gloves are not necessary; but, when worn, they should be new and fit well. Economy in gloves is an insult to society. A man's jewelry should be of the best and simplest description. False jewelry, like every other form of falsehood and pretence, is unmitigated vulgarity.
Elaborate studs and sleeve-links are all foppish and vulgar. A set of good studs, a gold watch and guard, and one handsome ring, are as many ornaments as a gentleman can wear with propriety. For a ring, the man of fine taste would prefer a precious antique intaglio to the handsomest diamond or ruby that could be bought. The most elegant gentleman with whom the author was ever acquainted—a man familiar with all the courts of Europe—never wore any other shirt-studs in full dress than three valuable black pearls, each about the size of a pea, and by no means beautiful to look upon.
Lastly, a man's jewelry should always have some use, and not, like a lady's, be worn for ornament only.
Colored shirts may be worn in the morning; but they should be small in pattern and quiet in color. Fancy cloths of conspicuous patterns are exceedingly ojectionable. With a colored flannel shirt always wear a white collar and wristbands. The hat should always be black; and caps and straw-hats are only admissible in summer.
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If spectacles are necessary, they should be of the best and lightest make, and mounted in gold, or blue steel. For weak sight, blue or smoke-colored glasses are the best; green glasses are detestable.
A gentleman should never be seen in the street without gloves. Worsted or cotton gloves are not permissible. A man's clothes should always be well brushed, and never threadbare or shabby. No gentleman can afford to wear shabby clothes.
For the country, or the foreign tour, a gentleman will select a costume of some light woolen material, flannel shirts, thick boots, and everything to correspond. Dandyism is never more out of place than on the glacier, or among the Norwegian salmon fisheries.
There are three things one should consult in the matter of dress if one would always appear like a gentleman—viz., expense, comfort, and society. If there is one thing in this world about which we can entertain any degree of moral certainty, it is that we must pay our tailor's bills. If, therefore, our means are disproportionate to our wants, we must remember the old proverb, "Cut your coat according to your cloth," and dress as well as you possibly can upon little money.
MISCELLANEOUS; OR, ONE HUNDRED UNCLASSIFIED LAWS OF ETIQUETTE.
1. A GENTLEMAN must always hand a lady a chair, open the door for her to pass in or out, remove anything that may be in her way, and pick up anything she may drop, even if she is an entire stranger to him.
2. A gentleman or lady will never look over the shoulder of another who is either reading or writing.
3. No gentleman or lady will ever be guilty of personality in conversation. No wit, however keen; no sarcasm, however humorous, can make personal remarks anything but rude and vulgar.
4. A gentleman, in passing a lady where he must stand aside to give her space, must always remove his hat, and incline his head slightly.
5. A lady, in such a case, must always acknowledge the courtesy by a slight bow.
6. Exaggeration trespasses so closely upon falsehood that it is not safe to trust it. To adhere strictly to truth can never lead into error.
7. Conceit is the vice or folly of the shallow-minded; so if you would not be thought so avoid boasting or affectations of any kind. The truly wise man is modest, and the braggart and coxcomb are valued but little.
8. It is unladylike to stand with arms a-kimbo or folded.
9. It is a mark of low breeding to fidget either with the hands or feet; to play with the watch-chain, toss the gloves, suck the head of a cane or handle of a parasol, or to fuss with a collar or necktie. Nothing is a more certain sign of gentle breeding than quiet ease without stiffness or fidgetting.
10. To swing the foot, or tap monotonously with the feet, to drum with the fingers on a table or window, are all breaches of etiquette.
11. It is ill-bred to speak of persons with whom you are but slightly acquainted by their first name.
12. No true lady will ever allow herself to speak of a gentleman by his surname without a prefix. To hear a lady talking of Holmes or Warren, instead of Mr. Holmes or Dr. Warren, gives the impression that she is low-bred.
13. No gentleman will ever criticize a wine offered to him, no matter how poor it may be. We give an instance of undaunted etiquette, which proves to what an extent a well-bred man may carry his courtesy: "In England during the French Revolution, the Duke of Bedford invited the emigrant Duc de Grammont to a splendid dinner, one of those magnificent entertainments which Englishmen pride themselves on giving to crowned heads, and their good feeling prompts them to offer to exiles. During dessert, a bottle of Constantia was produced, which for age and flavor was supposed to be matchless. It was liquid gold in a crystal flagon—a ray of the sun descending into a goblet; it was nectar which was worthy of Jove, and in which Bacchus would have revelled. The noble head of the house of Russell himself helped his guest to a glass of this choice wine, and de Grammont, on tasting it, declared it to be excellent. The Duke of Bedford, anxious to judge of its quality, poured out a glass, which no sooner approached his lips than, with a horrible contortion, he exclaimed: 'Why, what on earth is this?' The butler approached, took the bottle and applied it to his nostrils, and, to the dismay of his master, pronounced it to be castor-oil. The Duc de Grammont had swallowed this horrid draught without wincing."
14. Flattery is a breach of etiquette. Johnson says: "Of all wild beasts, preserve me from a tyrant; and of all tame, a flatterer."
15. No gentleman may ever break an engagement, whether it be one of business or pleasure, with a lady, or with another gentleman. If not blessed with a retentive memory, he must carry a note-book and record therein all his appointments, guarding, by frequent reference, against making two for the same day and hour. To break an engagement with a lady is almost certain to give lasting offence, and with good cause.
16. Irritability is a breach of good manners. Watts says: "To be angry about trifles is mean and childish; to rage and be furious is brutish, and to maintain perpetual wrath is akin to the practice and temper of fiends; but to prevent and suppress rising resentment is wise and glorious, is manly and divine."
17. Nothing marks a gentleman more truly than a strict punctuality. To keep another waiting is a breach of etiquette, as well as often a positive unkindness.
18. "Fine feathers make fine birds," the old proverb tells us; but no amount of fine dressing will ever make a lady. True politeness, gentle courtesy and refinement may be as marked in a lady wearing a calico dress and a sun-bonnet as in one in full gala dress. Mrs. Thorpe, the celebrated English authoress, tells of an interview with Mrs. Washington, than whom no more perfect lady, in the true acceptance of the term, ever lived. She says: "As Mrs. Washington was said to be so grand a lady, we thought we must put on our best bibs and bands; so we dressed ourselves in our most elegant ruffles and silks, and were introduced to her ladyship; and don't you think we found her knitting, and with her check apron on! She received us very graciously and easily; but after the compliments were over, she resumed her knitting. There we were without a stitch of work, and sitting in state; but General Washinton's lady, with her own hands, was knitting stockings for her husband."
19. To answer a civil question rudely, or even impatiently, is a gross breach of etiquette. Even if it inconveniences you or interrupts you, it will take no longer to answer kindly or politely than to wound or offend by crustiness.
20. No gentleman may ever refuse an apology. No matter how great the offence, how deep the resentment, an apology can never be rejected. It may not again revive friendship; but it must prevent quarrelling.
21. It is a breach of etiquette to intrude upon a business man during business hours.
22. An invalid, an elderly person, or a lady must be given the most comfortable chair in the room, must be allowed to select the light and temperature, and no true lady or gentleman will ever object to the exercise of the privilege.
23. It is a breach of etiquette, as well as an impertinence ever to question a child or servant upon family affairs.
24. It is a breach of etiquette to examine a card-basket. It is true they are generally exposed in the drawing-room; but no true lady or gentleman will ever turn them over.
25. It is a breach of etiquette to consult a watch when in company. To do so, and then take leave, is an absolute impertinence, as a pleasant circle may be broken at an early hour, under the impression that "it must be late; Mr. C—- hurried away so, when he saw what time it was."
26. It is a breach of etiquette when in company to try to attract the attention of one person by signals, a cough, a poke, or a nudge. Any appearance, indeed, of privacy or mystery is rude in company.
27. It is a breach of etiquette to assume a lazy, lounging attitude in company. If any one is too weak or too ill to sit up and assume a proper position, he had better stay at home until he is stronger or in better health.
28. Mysterious allusions are rude.
29. It is a breach of etiquette, in general conversation, to refer to incidents known to only one of the company, thus forcing a species of tete-a-tete, and withdrawing a perhaps unwilling partner from the general society.
30. Cards of ceremony must be answered either by a call, a letter, or a return card, within a week after their reception.
32. New-Year's calls must be made in person. It is a breach of etiquette to send a card, unless prevented by illness from calling.
32. Never rise to take leave in the midst of an interesting conversation; wait until there is a pause, and then withdraw, with as little disturbance as possible.
33. If you are calling, and another person enters, never offer the chair assigned you by the lady of the house; it is her privilege to decide where to place her guests, and an impertinence on your part to usurp her place.
34. A gentleman will never talk of his business affairs to a lady, nor a lady weary her gentlemen friends by an account of her domestic affairs.
35. The only gifts that may be offered or accepted between ladies and gentlemen who are not related or engaged are books, flowers, music, or confectionary. A lady who accepts costly presents of jewelry puts herself under an obligation that she may find troublesome, and no true gentleman will expose a lady to the pain of refusing an improper gift of this kind.
36. In entering a room filled with people, it is etiquette to bow slightly, as a general salutation, before speaking to each of those assembled.
37. It is etiquette, before taking a place at table, to say "Good- morning," or "Good-evening," to those in the room before you, and especially to those who preside over the meal.
38. It is a breach of etiquette to go into company with the breath tainted by eating onions, garlic, cheese, or any other strong- scented food.
39. It is a breach of etiquette for a gentleman to enter a lady's presence smelling of tobacco or wine.
40. It is a breach of etiquette to send a present hoping for another.
41. It is a breach of etiquette ever to refer to a gift you have made, a favor you have granted, or an obligation of any kind under which another lies with regard to you.
42. It is a breach of etiquette, and shows a sad want of true delicacy, to return a gift very soon. An obligation of that kind, if accepted at all, must not be thrust back at once in the donor's face.
43. It is a breach of etiquette for a husband or wife to speak of each other by their initial letter. When you hear a lady saying, "B., gave me this," or a gentleman saying, "I always refer such matters to Mrs. P.," you may rest assured, whatever their social station, they are low-bred.
44. "Civility," says Lord Chesterfield, "is particularly due to all women; and remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours."
45. Too great familiarity towards a new acquaintance is a breach of etiquette. You are less likely to offend by being too ceremonious.
46. To notice, by look or word, any deformity, any scar of misfortune to the face or figure of a friend, in not only a breach of etiquette of the grossest kind, but is a want of humanity and good feeling as well.
47. It is a breach of etiquette, when offering a gift, to represent it as valueless, or useless to yourself. "If you do not have it, the pigs will," is a homely old proverb in such cases, not acceptable in polite society.
48. It is a breach of etiquette to laugh at your own wit. If others will not do that for you, you had better let your remark pass unnoticed.
49. It is a breach of etiquette to lean heavily upon a table; and also to tip a chair to and fro when you are talking; and you will be justly punished if you find yourself sprawling on the floor with the chair on top of you.
50. It is a breach of etiquette to write your own remarks in a borrowed book.
51. Scolding is ill-bred.
52. It is a breach of etiquette for a gentleman to keep his hat on when handing a lady to a carriage.
53. The man who will insult his inferiors is a boor at heart, however polished he may appear amongst his equals, or however deferential to his superiors.
54. It is a breach of etiquette to display any bashfulness in company. Lord Chesterfield says: "As for the mauvaise honte, I hope you are above it. Your figure is like other people's; I suppose you will care that your dress shall be so too, and to avoid any singularity. What, then, should you be ashamed of? And why not go into a mixed company with as much ease and as little concern as you would go into your own room? Vice and ignorance are the only things I know which one ought to be ashamed of; keep clear of them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. I have known some people who, from feeling the pain and inconvenience of this mauvaise honte, have rushed into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger; but this, too, is carefully to be avoided, there being nothing more generally shocking than impudence. The medium between the two extremes marks out the well- bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all companies; is modest without being bashful, and steady without being impudent; if he is a stranger, he observes with care the manners and ways of the people most esteemed at that place, and conforms to them with complaisance."
55. It is a breach of etiquette to wear an air of abstraction in society if your mind is really so absorbed that you cannot pay attention to what is going on around you, you had better stay at home. An absent mind is much more frequently a proof of self- conceit than of genius.
56. Eccentricity of any kind is in bad taste.
57. To imitate the manners, voice, attitude, or gestures of great men were a folly almost too absurd to mention if it were not so common. Many persons, from a real or fancied personal resemblance to some celebrity, will ape their manners also, as if mere appearance would make them equally distinguished.
58. It is wiser, if you have met with reverses, to withdraw yourself from society than to have society withdraw from you.
59. It is a breach of etiquette to assume pedantic airs; to talk of the Latin and Greek authors, and quote in those languages.
60. It is a breach of etiquette to make a quotation in a foreign language and then translate it, thereby giving your listeners to understand that you do not consider them as well informed as yourself.
61. Shakespeare says:
"To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
62. It is a breach of etiquette to contradict any one.
63. The man who would suffer himself to speak a word against a woman, or to rail at women generally, deserves a rebuke recently given to a coxcomb at an English dinner-party, who was checked in his loud abuse of the sex by one of the company, who said: "I hope it is the gentleman's own mother and sisters who are referred to, and not ours."
64. If you try to make yourself appear more important than you really are, you run the risk of being considered less so.
65. Marston says: "I, me, and mine, should be bowed out of genteel circles. Egotism adorns no one."
66. It is a breach of etiquette to offer a partner in dancing an ungloved hand.
67. Spitting is as vulgar as it is disgusting.
68. "The scholar, without good breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable," says Chesterfield.
69. It is a breach of etiquette to betray an implied or involuntary confidence, even if you have not been bound to secresy.
70. Bishop Beveridge says: "Never speak of a man's virtues before his face, nor of his faults behind his back."
71. "In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; in society, watch your tongue."
72. "To arrive at the heart of true courtesy," says a modern writer, "separate the onld English titles for the well-bred; they were the gentle-man and gentle-woman."
73. It is better to live alone than in low company. If you cannot keep good company, keep none.
74. Sterne thus defines courtship: "True courtship consists in a number of quiet, gentlemanly attentions; not so pointed as to alarm, not so vague as to be misunderstood."
75. It is a breach of etiquette to enter a room noisily, slamming the door, or stamping heavily upon the floor.
76. It is a breach of etiquette to make violent or abrupt movements.
77. It is a breach of etiquette to neglect calling upon your friends. "Visiting," says a French writer, "forms the chord which binds society together, and it is so firmly tied that were the knot severed, society would perish."
78. It is a breach of etiquette to select the route when walking with a lady, unless she has requested you to do so.
79. It is ill-bred to refuse the last piece on the plate or dish, if it is offered to you, as it implies a fear that there is no more in the pantry.
80. It is a breach of etiquette to undertake any commission for a friend and neglect to perform it. Forgetfulness is no excuse.
81. It is a breach of etiquette to answer a serious remark by a flippant one.
82. Practical joking is a breach of etiquette that cannot be too severely censured.
83. It is a breach of etiquette to read when there is any other person present. In the family circle, a member who opens a book should apologize for and explain his apparent rudeness, if obliged to study or refer to the volume.
84. It is a breach of etiquette to yawn.
85. It is a breach of etiquette to blow the nose loudly.
86. It is a breach of etiquette to suck the teeth.
87. It is a breach of etiquette to pick the teeth or clean the nails in company.
88. It is a breach of etiquette to speak much of your own performances.
89. It is a gross breach of etiquette to pass between two persons who are conversing together.
90. It is a breach of etiquette to pass before anybody. If actually necessary, it must be done with an apology.
91. It is a breach of etiquette to urge wine upon a guest who has already declined to drink.
92. It is a breach of etiquette to write a letter of congratulation upon mourning paper, even if it is habitually used.
93. It is a breach of etiquette to call a new acquaintance by the Christian name, unless requested to do so.
94. If you write requesting an autograph, it is a breach of etiquette to omit to enclose a postage-stamp for the reply.
95. Ladies should avoid the use of strong perfumes. They are unpleasant to nauseating to some persons; and it is a breach of etiquette to annoy other people.
96. It is a breach of etiquette to lend a borrowed book, unless you have the special permission of the owner to do so.
97. It is a breach of etiquette, as well as a most dangerous experiment, to recommend remedies to an invalid who is under the care of a physician.
98. A lady commits a breach of etiquette that amounts to a gross impropriety by calling upon a gentleman, excepting upon business, at his place of business. Even relatives, unless in the immediate family, cannot receive calls from ladies at home.
99. Gentlemen should never stand upon the hearthrug with their backs to the fire, either in a friend's house or their own.
100. Forgetfulness is a breach of etiquette. It is impossible to be polite without cultivating a good memory. The absent or self- absorbed person who forgets the names of his next-door neighbors, recalls unlucky topics, confuses the personal relationships of his personal friends, speaks of the dead as if they were still living, talks of peole in their hearing, and commits a hundred such blunders without any malevolent intention, is sure to make enemies for himself, and to wound the feelings of others. Carelessness, carried to a certain pitch, becomes unchristian. "It is not well," says an old proverb, "to talk of the gallows to a man whose father was hanged." Some persons are so notoriously absent or forgetful, that their friends will say of them: "We must not tell B—-; he is certain to tread on somebody's corns. We must ask him some evening when we are alone."