XI.—MISCELLANEOUS HINTS.
1. Which goes First?
In ascending or descending stairs with a lady, it is proper to offer your arm, provided the stair-case is sufficiently wide to permit two to go up or down abreast.
But if it is not, which should go first? Authorities disagree. Usage is not settled. It is a general rule of etiquette to give ladies the precedence everywhere. Is there a sufficient reason for making this an exception? One says that if you follow a lady in going down stairs, you are liable to tread on her dress, and that if she precedes you in going up, she might display a large foot or a thick ankle which were better concealed. He thinks the gentleman should go first. Another calls this a maxim of prudery and the legacy of a maiden aunt. Colonel Lunettes, our oft-quoted friend of the old régime, speaks very positively on this point. "Nothing is more absurd," he says, "than the habit of preceding ladies in ascending stairs, adopted by some men—as if by following just behind them, as one should if the arm be disengaged, there can be any impropriety. Soiled frills and unmended hose must have originated this vulgarity." Let the ladies decide.
2. An American Habit.
There is a habit peculiar to the United States, and from which even some females, who class themselves as ladies, are not entirely free—that of lolling back, balanced upon the two hind legs of a chair. Such a breach of good breeding is rarely committed in Europe. Lolling is carried even so for in America, that it is not uncommon to see the attorneys lay their feet upon the council table; and the clerks and judges theirs also upon their desks in open court.
3. Gloved or Ungloved?
In shaking hands it is more respectful to offer an ungloved hand; but if two gentlemen are both gloved, it is very foolish to keep each other waiting to take them off. You should not, however, offer a gloved hand to a lady or a superior who is ungloved. Foreigners are sometimes very sensitive in this matter, and might deem the glove an insult. It is well for a gentleman to carry his right-hand glove in his hand where he is likely to have occasion to shake hands. At a ball or a party the gloves should not be taken off.
4. Equality.
In company, though none are free, yet all are equal. All, therefore, whom you meet should be treated with equal respect, although interest may dictate toward each different degrees of attention. It is disrespectful to the inviter to shun any of her guests.
5. False Shame.
In a letter to his son, Lord Chesterfield makes the following confession: "I have often wished an obscure acquaintance absent, for meeting and taking notice of me when I was in what I thought and called fine company. I have returned his notice shyly, awkwardly, and consequently offensively, for fear of a momentary joker not considering, as I ought to have done, that the very people who would have joked upon me at first, would have esteemed me the more for it afterward."
A good hint for us all.
6. Pulling out one's Watch.
Pulling out your watch in company, unasked, either at home or abroad, is a mark of ill-breeding. If at home, it appears as if you were tired of your company, and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours dragged heavily, and you wished to be gone yourself. If you want to know the time, withdraw; besides, as the taking what is called French leave was introduced, that, on one person's leaving the company, the rest might not be disturbed, looking at your watch does what that piece of politeness was designed to prevent.
7. Husband and Wife.
A gentleman speaks of his wife in a mixed company as Mrs. ——, and a lady of her husband as Mr. ——. So one does not say in speaking to another, "your wife," or "your husband," but Mrs. or Mr. ——. Among intimates, however, to say "my wife," or "my husband," is better, because less formal. Let there be a fitness in everything, whatever conventional rules you may violate.
8. Bowing vs. Curtseying.
Curtseying is obsolete. Ladies now universally bow instead. The latter is certainly a more convenient, if not a more graceful form of salutation, particularly on the street.
9. Presents.
Among friends, presents ought to be made of things of small value; or, if valuable, their worth should be derived from the style of the workmanship, or from some accidental circumstance, rather than from the inherent and solid richness. Especially never offer to a lady a gift of great cost; it is in the highest degree indelicate, and looks as if you were desirous of placing her under an obligation to you, and of buying her good-will.
The gifts made by ladies to gentlemen are of the most refined nature possible; they should be little articles not purchased, but deriving a priceless value as being the offspring of their gentle skill; a little picture from their pencil or a trifle from their needle.
A present should be made with as little parade and ceremony as possible. If it is a small matter, a gold pencil-case, a thimble to a lady, or an affair of that sort, it should not be offered formally, but in an indirect way.
Emerson says: "Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Thou must bleed for me. Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, his corn; the miner, a gem; the sailor, coral and shells; the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing."
10. Snobbery
When you hear a man insisting upon points of etiquette and fashion; wondering, for instance, how people can eat with steel forks and survive it, or what charms existence has for persons who dine at three without soup and fish, be sure that that individual is a snob.
11. Children.
Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. Recollect, in the matter of children, how many are born every hour, each are almost as remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma.
FOOTNOTES:
[B] "Colonel Lunettes."
[C] "Manners Book."
[D] "Etiquette for Gentlemen."
[E] "How to Talk: A Pocket Manual of Conversation, Public Speaking, and Debating." New York. Fowler and Wells. Price 80 cents.
[F] La Bruyère
[G] "Etiquette for Gentlemen."
[H] Chesterfield.
VII.
THE ETIQUETTE OF OCCASIONS.
Great plenty, much formality, small cheer,
And everybody out of his own sphere.—Byron.