The Puritan Widow

by Shakespeare

SCENE IV.

The Prison, Marshalsea.

[Enter Captain Idle at one door, and later Pye-board and old soldier at the other. George Pye-board, speaking within.]

PYE.
Pray turn the key.

SKIRMISH.
Turn the key, I pray.

CAPTAIN.
Who should those be? I almost know their voices.—
O my friends!

[Entering.]

Ya’re welcome to a smelling Room here. You newly took leave of the air; ist not a strange savour?

PYE.
As all prisons have: smells of sundry wretches,
Who, tho departed, leave their scents behind ’em.
By Gold, Captain, I am sincerely sorry for thee.

CAPTAIN. By my troth, George, I thank thee; but pish,—what must be, must be.

SKIRMISH. Captain, what do you lie in for? ist great? what’s your offence?

CAPTAIN. Faith, my offence is ordinary,—common: A High-way; and I fear me my penalty will be ordinary and common too: a halter.

PYE.
Nay, prophecy not so ill; it shall go heard,
But I’ll shift for thy life.

CAPTAIN. Whether I live or die, thou’art an honest George. I’ll tell you—silver flowed not with me, as it had done, (for now the tide runs to Bawds and flatterers.) I had a start out, and by chance set upon a fat steward, thinking his purse had been as pursey as his body; and the slave had about him but the poor purchase of ten groats: notwithstanding, being descried, pursued, and taken, I know the Law is so grim, in respect of many desperate, unsettled soldiers, that I fear me I shall dance after their pipe for’t.

SKIRMISH. I am twice sorry for you, Captain: first that your purchase was so small, and now that your danger is so great.

CAPTAIN. Push, the worst is but death,—ha you a pipe of Tobacco about you?

SKIRMISH.
I think I have there abouts about me.

[Captain blows a pipe.]

CAPTAIN.
Here’s a clean Gentleman, too, to receive.

PYE.
Well, I must cast about some happy slight.
Work brain, that ever didst thy Master right!

CAPTAIN.
Keeper! let the key be turn’d!

[Corporal and Nicholas within.]

NICHOLAS.
Aye, I pray, Master keeper, give’s a cast of your office.

CAPTAIN.
How now? more Visitants?—what, Corporal Oath?

PYE.
Corporal?

SKIRMISH.
Corporal?

CORPORAL.
In prison, honest Captain? this must not be.

NICHOLAS.
How do you, Captain Kinsman>

CAPTAIN.
Good Cocks-comb! what makes that pure, starch’d fool here?

NICHOLAS. You see, Kinsman, I am somewhat bold to call in, and see how you do. I heard you were safe enough, and I was very glad on’t that it was no worse.

CAPTAIN.
This is a double torture now,—this fool by’th book
Do’s vex me more than my imprisonment.
What meant you, Corporal, to hook him hither?

CORPORAL.
Who, he? he shall relieve thee, and supply thee;
I’ll make him do ’t.

CAPTAIN.
[Aside, to Oath.] Fie, what vain breath you spend! he supply?
I’ll sooner expect mercy from a Usurer when my bond’s
Forfeited, sooner kindness from a Layer when my money’s spent:
Nay, sooner charity from the devil, than good from a Puritan!
I’ll look for relief from him, when Lucifer is restor’d to
his blood, and in Heaven again.

NICHOLAS. I warrant, my Kinsman’s talking of me, for my left ear burns most tyrannically.

PYE. Captain Idle, what’s he there? he looks like a Monkey upward, and a Crane down-ward.

CAPTAIN.
Pshaw, a foolish Cousin of mine; I must thank God for him.

PYE. Why, the better subject to work a scape upon; thou shalt o’en change clothes with him, and leave him here, and so—

CAPTAIN. Push, I publish’t him e’en now to my Corporal: he will be damned, ere he do me so much good; why, I know a more proper, a more handsome device than that, if the slave would be sociable. Now, goodman Fleer-face.

NICHOLAS. Oh, my Cousin begins to speak to me now: I shall be acquainted with him again, I hope.

SKIRMISH.
Look what ridiculous Raptures take hold of his wrinkles.

PYE.
Then, what say you to this device? a happy one, Captain?

CAPTAIN. Speak low, George; Prison Rats have wider ears than those in Malt-lofts.

NICHOLAS.
Cousin, if it lay in my power, as they say—to—do—

CAPTAIN. Twould do me an exceeding pleasure, indeed, that, but ne’er talk forder on’t: the fool will be hang’d, ere he do’t.

[To the Corporal.]

CORPORAL.
Pax, I’ll thump ’im to’t.

PYE.
Why, do but try the Fopster, and break it to him bluntly.

CAPTAIN. And so my disgrace will dwell in his Jaws, and the slave slaver out our purpose to his Master, for would I were but as sure on’t as I am sure he will deny to do’t.

NICHOLAS. I would be heartily glad, Cousin, if any of my friendships, as they say, might—stand—ah—

PYE. Why, you see he offers his friendship foolishly to you already.

CAPTAIN.
Aye, that’s the hell on’t, I would he would offer it wisely.

NICHOLAS.
Verily, and indeed la, Cousin—

CAPTAIN. I have took note of thy fleers a good while: if thou art minded to do me good—as thou gapst upon me comfortably, and giv’st me charitable faces, which indeed is but a fashion in you all that are Puritains—wilt soon at night steal me thy Master’s chain?

NICHOLAS.
Oh, I shall swoon!

PYE.
Corporal, he starts already.

CAPTAIN. I know it to be worth three hundred Crowns, and with the half of that I can buy my life at a Brokers, at second hand, which now lies in pawn to th’ Law: if this thou refuse to do, being easy and nothing dangerous, in that thou art held in good opinion of thy Master, why tis a palpable Argument thou holdst my life at no price, and these thy broken and unioynted offers are but only created in thy lip, now borne, and now buried, foolish breath only. What, woult do’t? shall I look for happiness in thy answer?

NICHOLAS. Steal my Master’s chain, qu’the? no, it shall ne’er be said, that Nicholas Saint Tantlings committed Bird-lime!

CAPTAIN. Nay, I told you as much; did I not? tho he be a Puritain, yet he will be a true man.

NICHOLAS.
Why, Cousin, you know tis written, thou shalt not steal.

CAPTAIN. Why, and fool, thou shalt love thy Neighbour, and help him in extremities.

NICHOLAS.
Mass, I think it be, indeed: in what Chapter’s that, Cousin?

CAPTAIN.
Why, in the first of Charity, the 2. Verse.

NICHOLAS. The first of Charity, quatha! that’s a good jest; there’s no such Chapter in my book!

CAPTAIN. No, I knew twas torn out of thy Book, and that makes so little in thy heart.

PYE. Come, let me tell you, ya’re too unkind a Kinsman, yfaith; the Captain loving you so dearly, aye, like the Pomwater of his eye, and you to be so uncomfortable: fie, fie.

NICHOLAS. Pray, do not wish me to be hangd: any thing else that I can do, had it been to rob, I would ha don’t; but I must not steal: that’s the word, the literal, thou shalt not steal; and would you wish me to steal, then?

PYE. No, faith, that were too much, to speak truth: why, woult thou nim it from him?

NICHOLAS.
That I will!

PYE. Why, ynough, bully; he shall be content with that, or he shall ha none; let me alone with him now! Captain, I ha dealt with your Kins-man in a Corner; a good, kind-natured fellow, me thinks: go to, you shall not have all your own asking, you shall bate somewhat on’t: he is not contented absolutely, as you would say, to steal the chain from him,— but to do you a pleasure, he will nim it from him.

NICHOLAS.
Aye, that I will, Cousin.

CAPTAIN. Well, seeing he will do no more, as far as I see, I must be contented with that.

CORPORAL.
Here’s no notable gullery!

PYE. Nay, I’ll come nearer to you, Gentleman: because we’ll have only but a help and a mirth on’t, the knight shall not lose his chain neither, but it shall be only laid out of the way some one or two days.

NICHOLAS.
Aye, that would be good indeed, Kinsman.

PYE. For I have a farder reach to profit us better by the missing on’t only, than if we had it out-right, as my discourse shall make it known to you.—When thou hast the chain, do but convey it out at back-door into the Garden, and there hang it close in the Rosemary bank but for a small season; and by that harmless device, I know how to wind Captain Idle out of prison: the Knight thy Master shall get his pardon and release him, and he satisfy thy Master with his own chain, and wondrous thanks on both hands.

NICHOLAS.
That were rare indeed, la: pray, let me know how.

PYE. Nay, tis very necessary thou shouldst know, because thou must be employed as an Actor.

NICHOLAS.
An Actor? O no, that’s a Player; and our Parson rails again
Players mightily, I can tell you, because they brought him
drunk up’oth Stage once,—as he will be horribly drunk.

CORPORAL.
Mass, I cannot blame him then, poor Church-spout.

PYE.
Why, as an Intermedler, then?

NICHOLAS.
Aye, that, that.

PYE. Give me Audience, then: when the old Knight thy Master has raged his fill for the loss of the chain, tell him thou hast a Kinsman in prison, of such exquisite Art, that the devil himself is French Lackey to him, and runs bare-headed by his horse-belly (when he has one) whom he will cause with most Irish Dexterity to fetch his chain, tho twere hid under a mine of sea-coal, and ne’er make Spade or Pickaxe his instruments: tell him but this, with farder instructions thou shalt receive from me, and thou shoust thy self a Kinsman indeed.

CORPORAL.
A dainty Bully.

SKIRMISH.
An honest Book-keeper.

CAPTAIN.
And my three times thrice honey Cousin.

NICHOLAS. Nay, grace of God, I’ll rob him on’t suddenly, and hang it in the Rosemary bank; but I bear that mind, Cousin, I would not steal any thing, me thinks, for mine own Father.

SKIRMISH.
He bears a good mind in that, Captain!

PYE.
Why, well said; he begins to be an honest felow, faith.

CORPORAL.
In troth, he does.

NICHOLAS. You see, Cousin, I am willing to do you any kindness, always saving my self harmless.

[Exit Nicholas.]

CAPTAIN.
Why, I thank thee; fare thee well, I shall requite it.

CORPORAL. Twill be good for thee, Captain, that thou has such an egregious Ass to thy Cousin.

CAPTAIN. Aye, is he not a fine fool, Corporal? But, George, thou talkst of Art and Conjuring; How shall that be?

PYE.
Puh, be’t not in your care:
Leave that to me and my directions.
Well, Captain, doubt not thy delivery now,
E’en with the vantage, man, to gain by prison,
As my thoughts prompt me: hold on, brain and plot!
I aim at many cunning far events,
All which I doubt not but to hit at length.
I’ll to the Widdow with a quaint assault.
Captain, be merry.

CAPTAIN.
Who, I? Kerrie, merry, Buff-Jerkin.

PYE. Oh, I am happy in more slights, and one will knit strong in another.—Corporal Oath.

CORPORAL.
Hoh, Bully?

PYE.
And thou, old Peter Skirmish; I have a necessary task for you
Both.

SKIRMISH.
Lay’t upon, George Pye-board.

CORPORAL.
What ere it be, we’ll manage it.

PYE. I would have you two maintain a quarrel before the Lady Widdow’s door, and draw your swords i’th edge of the Evening; clash a little, clash, clash.

CORPORAL.
Fuh!
Let us alone to make our Blades ring noon,
Tho it be after Supper.

PYE. I know you can. And out of that false fire, I doubt not but to raise strange belief—And, Captain, to countenance my device the better, and grace my words to the Widdow, I have a good plain Satin suit, that I had of a young Reveller t’other night: for words pass not regarded now a days, unless they come from a good suit of clothes, which the Fates and my wits have bestowed upon me. Well, Captain Idle, if I did not highly love thee, I would ne’er be seen within twelve score of a prison, for I protest at this instant, I walk in great danger of small debts; I owe money to several Hostesses, and you know such Jills will quickly be upon a man’s Jack.

CAPTAIN.
True, George.

PYE.
Fare thee well, Captain. Come, Corporal and Ancient! thou
Shalt hear more news next time we greet thee.

CORPORAL. More news! Aye, by yon Bear at Bridge-Foot in heaven shalt thou.

[Exeunt Pye-board, Skirmish, and Oath.]

CAPTAIN.
Enough: my friends, farewell.
This prison shows as if Ghosts did part in Hell.