ACT THE FOURTH.
SCENE I.—Lord Brumpton's House.
Enter Widow and Trusty.
Wid. Mr. Trusty, you have, I do assure you, the same place and power in the management of my Lord Brumpton's estate, as in his life-time. (I am reduced to a necessity of trusting him) [aside.] However Tattleaid dissembles the matter, she must be privy to Lady Harriot's escape, and Fardingale's as deep with 'em both, and I fear will be their ruin, which 'tis my care and duty to prevent. Be vigilant, and you shall be rewarded. I shall employ you wholly in Lady Sharlot's affairs, she is able to pay services done for her. You've sense, and understand me. [Exit Widow.
Tru. Yes, I do indeed understand you, and could wish another could with as much detestation as I do, but my poor old lord is so strangely, so bewitchedly enamoured of her, that even after this discovery of her wickedness, I see he could be reconciled to her, and though he is ashamed to confess to me, I know he longs to speak with her. If I tell Lord Hardy all to make his fortune, he would not let his father be dishonoured by a public way of separation. If things are acted privately, I know she'll throw us all; there's no middle-way, I must expose her to make a reunion impracticable. Alas, how is honest truth banished the world; when we must watch the seasons and soft avenues to men's hearts, to gain it entrance even for their own good and interest! [Exit.
SCENE II.—Lord Hardy's Lodgings.
Enter Lord Hardy, Campley, and Trim.
Ld. H. I forget my own misfortunes, dear Campley, when I reflect on your success.
Cam. I assure you, it moderates the swell of joy that I am in, to think of your difficulties. I hope my felicity is previous to yours; my Lady Harriot gives her service to you, and we both think it but decent to suspend our marriage 'till your and Lady Sharlot's affairs are in the same posture.
Ld. H. Where is my lady?
Cam. She's at my aunt's, my lord. But, my lord, if you don't interpose, I don't know how I shall adjust matters with Mr. Trim for leaving his mistress behind me: I fear he'll demand satisfaction of me.
Trim. No, sir, alas, I can know no satisfaction while she is in jeopardy. Therefore would rather be put in a way to recover her by storming the castle, or other feat of arms, like a true enamoured swain as I am.
Cam. Since we are all three then expecting lovers, my lord, prithee let's have that song of yours which suits our common purpose.
Ld. H. Call in the boy.
Boy sings.[29]
I.
Ye minutes bring the happy hour,
And Chloe blushing to the bower;
Then shall all idle flames be o'er,
Nor eyes or heart e'er wander more;
Both, Chloe, fixed for e'er on thee,
For thou art all thy sex to me.
II.
A guilty is a false embrace,
Corinna's love's a fairy-chace;
Begone, thou meteor, fleeting fire,
And all that can't survive desire.
Chloe my reason moves and awe,
And Cupid shot me when he saw.
Trim. Look you, gentlemen, since as you are pleased to say we're all lovers, and consequently poets, pray do me the honour to hear a little air of mine. You must know then, I once had the misfortune to fall in love below myself, but things went hard with us at that time, so that my passion, or as I may poetically speak, my fire was in the kitchen; 'twas towards a cook-maid, but before I ever saw Mrs. Deborah.
Ld. H. Come on then, Trim, let's have it.
Trim. I must run into next room for a lute. [Exit.
Cam. This must be diverting! can the rogue play?
Re-enter Trim, with a pair of Tongs.
Trim. Dear Cynderaxa herself very well understood this instrument, I therefore always sung this song to it, as thus—
I.
Cynderaxa kind and good,
Has all my heart and stomach too;
She makes me love, not hate, my food,
As other peevish wenches do.
II.
When Venus leaves her Vulcan's cell,
Which all but I a coal-hole call;
Fly, fly, ye that above stairs dwell,
Her face is washed, ye vanish all.
III.
And as she's fair, she can impart
That beauty, to make all things fine;
Brightens the floor with wondrous art,
And at her touch the dishes shine.
Ld. H. I protest, Will, thou art a poet indeed. "And at her touch the dishes shine"—and you touch your lute as finely.
Enter Boy.
Boy. There's one Mr. Trusty below would speak with my lord.
Ld. H. Mr. Trusty? My father's steward? What can he have to say to me?
Cam. He's very honest, to my knowledge.
Ld. H. I remember, indeed, when I was turned out of the house he followed me to the gate and wept over me, for which I've heard he'd like to have lost his place. But, however, I must advise with you a little about my behaviour to him; let's in. Boy, bring him up hither, tell him I'll wait on him presently. [Exit Boy.
I shall want you, I believe, here, Trim. [Exeunt.
Re-enter Boy and Trusty.
Boy. My lord will wait on you here immediately. [Exit Boy.
Tru. 'Tis very well, these lodgings are but homely for the Earl of Brumpton. Oh, that damned strumpet—that I should ever know my master's wife for such!—How many thousand things does my head run back to? After my poor father's death the good lord took me, because he was a captain in his regiment, and gave me education. I was, I think, three-and-twenty when this young lord within was christened; what a do there was about calling him Francis! [Wipes his eyes.] These are but poor lodgings for him. I cannot bear the joy, to think that I shall save the family from which I've had my bread.
Enter Trim.
Trim. Sir, my lord will wait you immediately.
Tru. Sir, 'tis my duty to wait him—[As Trim is going] but, sir, are not you the young man that attended him at Christchurch, in Oxford, and have followed him ever since?
Trim. Yes, sir, I am.
Tru. Nay, sir, no harm, but you'll thrive the better for it.
Trim. I like this old fellow; I smell more money. [Aside. Exit.
Tru. I think 'tis now eight years since I saw him—he was not then nineteen—when I followed him to the gate, and gave him fifty guineas, which I pretended his father sent after him.
Enter Lord Hardy.
Ld. H. Mr. Trusty, I'm very glad to see you look very hale and jolly; you wear well. I'm glad to see it—but your commands to me, Mr. Trusty.
Tru. Why, my lord, I presume to wait on your lordship. My lord, you're strangely grown; you're your father's very picture, you're he, my lord; you are the very man that looked so pleased to see me look so fine in my laced livery, to go to Court. I was his page when he was just such another as you. He kissed me afore a great many lords, and said I was a brave man's son, that taught him to exercise his arms. I remember he carried me to the great window, and bid me be sure to keep in your mother's sight in all my finery. She was the finest young creature; the maids of honour hated to see her at Court. My lord then courted my good lady. She was as kind to me on her death-bed; she said to me, Mr. Trusty, take care of my lord's second marriage for that child's sake. She pointed as well as she could to you. You fell a-crying, and said she should not die; but she did, my lord. She left the world, and no one like her in't. Forgive me, my honoured master. [Weeps, runs to my lord, and hugs him.] I've often carried you in these arms that grasp you; they were stronger then, but if I die to-morrow, you're worth five thousand pounds by my gift—'tis what I've got in the family, and I return it to you with thanks. But alas! do I live to see you want it?[30]
Ld. H. You confound me with all this tenderness and generosity.
Tru. I'll trouble you no longer, my lord, but——
Ld. H. Call it not a trouble, for——
Tru. My good lord, I will not, I say, indulge myself in talking fond tales that melt me, and interrupt my story. My business to your lordship, in one word, is this: I am in good confidence at present with my lady dowager, and I know she has some fears upon her, which depend upon the nature of the settlement to your disfavour, and under the rose—be yourself—I fear your father has not had fair play for his life—be composed, my lord. What is to be done is this: we'll not apply to public justice in this case, 'till we see farther; 'twill make it noisy, which we must not do, if I might advise. You shall, with a detachment of your Company, seize the corpse as it goes out of the house this evening to be interred in the country; 'twill only look like taking the administration upon yourself, and commencing a suit for the estate. She has put off the lying in state, and Lady Harriot's escape with Mr. Campley makes her fear he will prove a powerful friend, both to the young ladies and your lordship. She cannot, with decency, be so busy, as when the corpse is out of the house, therefore hastens it. I know your whole affair; leave the care of Lady Sharlot to me. I'll pre-acquaint her, that she mayn't be frightened, and dispose of her safely, to observe the issue.
Ld. H. I wholly understand you; it shall be done.
Tru. I'm sure I am wanted this moment for your interest at home. This ring shall be the passport of intelligence for whom you send to assault us, and the remittance of it sealed with this, shall be authentic from within the house.
Ld. H. 'Tis very well.
Tru. Hope all you can wish, my lord, from a certain secret relating to the estate, which I'll acquaint you with next time I see you. [Exit.
Ld. H. Your servant——This fellow's strangely honest——Ha! Will.
Enter Campley and Trim.
Will! don't the recruits wait for me to see 'em at their parade before this house?
Trim. Yes; and have waited these three hours.
Ld. H. Go to 'em; I'll be there myself immediately. We must attack with 'em, if the rogues are sturdy, this very evening.
Trim. I guess where——I'm overjoyed at it. I'll warrant you they do it, if I command in chief.
Ld. H. I design you shall. [Trim runs out jumping.
Cam. You seem, my lord, to be in deep meditation.
Ld. H. I am so, but not on anything that you may not be acquainted with. [Exeunt.
SCENE III.—Covent Garden.
Enter Trim, with a company of ragged fellows, with a cane.
1st Sol. Why then, I find, Mr. Trim, we shall come to blows before we see the French.
Trim. Harkee, friend, 'tis not your affair to guess or enquire what you're going to do; 'tis only for us commanders.
2nd Sol. The French? Pox! they are but a Company of scratching civet cats. They fight!
Trim. Harkee, don't bluster. Were not you a little mistaken in your facings at Steinkirk?
2nd Sol. I grant it; you know I have an antipathy to the French—I hate to see the dogs. Look you here, gentlemen, I was shot quite through the body, look you.
Trim. Prithee, look where it entered at your back.
2nd Sol. Look you, Mr. Trim, you will have your joke, we know you are a wit—but what's that to a fighting man?
Enter Kate.
Kate. Mr. Trim! Mr. Trim!
Trim. Things are not as they have been, Mrs. Kate. I now pay the Company, and we that pay money expect a little more ceremony.
Kate. Will your honour please to taste some right French brandy?
Trim. Art thou sure, good woman, 'tis right? [Drinks. How—French—pray—nay, if I find you deceive me, who pay the men——[Drinks.
Kate. Pray, good master, have you spoken to my lord about me?
Trim. I have, but you shall speak to him yourself. Thou hast been a true campaigner, Kate, and we must not neglect thee. Do you sell grey pease yet of an evening, Mrs. Matchlock? [Drinks again.
Kate. Anything to turn the penny, but I got more by crying pamphlets this year, than by anything I have done a great while. Now I am married into the Company again, I design to cross the seas next year. But, master, my husband, a Temple porter, and a Parliament man's footman, last night by their talk made me think there was danger of a peace; why, they said, all the prime people were against a war.
Trim. No, no, Kate, never fear; you know I keep great company. All men are for a war, but some would have it abroad, and some would have it at home in their own country.
Kate. Ay, say you so? Drink about, gentlemen, not a farthing to pay; a war is a war, be it where it will. But pray, Mr. Trim, speak to my lord, that when these gentlemen have shirts I may wash for 'em.
Trim. I tell you, if you behave well to-night, you shall have a fortnight's pay each man as a reward; but there's none of you industrious. There's a thousand things you might do to help out about this town, as to cry, puff, puff pies—have you any knives or scissors to grind? or, late in an evening, whip from Grub Street, strange and bloody news from Flanders—votes from the House of Commons—buns, rare buns—old silver lace, cloaks, suits, or coats—old shoes, boots, or hats—But here, here, here's my lord a-coming; here's the captain. Fall back into the rank there; move up in the centre.
Enter Lord Hardy and Campley.
Ld. H. Let me see whether my ragged friends are ready and about me.
Kate. Ensign Campley, Ensign Campley, I am overjoyed to see your honour; ha! the world's surely altered, ha!
Cam. 'Tis so, faith! Kate, why thou art true to the cause, with the Company still, honest amazon.
Kate. Dear soul, not a bit of pride in him; but won't your honour help in my business with my lord? Speak for me, noble ensign, do.
Cam. Speak to him yourself; I'll second you.
Kate. Noble captain, my lord! I suppose Mr. Trim has told your honour about my petition. I have been a great sufferer in the service. 'Tis hard for a poor woman to lose nine husbands in a war, and no notice taken; nay, three of 'em, alas, in the same campaign. Here the woman stands that says it. I never stripped a man 'till I first tried if he could stand on his legs, and, if not, I think 'twas fair plunder, except our adjutant, and he was a puppy, that made my eighth husband run the gauntlet for not turning his toes out.
Ld. H. Well, we'll consider thee, Kate, but fall back into the rear. A roll of what? Gentlemen soldiers?
Trim [To Pumkin]. Do you hear that? My lord himself can't deny but we are all gentlemen, as much as his honour.
Ld. H. [Reading]. Gentlemen soldiers quartered in and about Guy Court in Vinegar Yard, in Russel Court in Drury Lane, belonging to the honourable Captain Hardy's Company of Foot—So, answer to your names, and march off from the left. John Horseem, corporal, march easy, that I may view you as you pass by me. Drums Simon Ruffle, Darby Tattoo—there's a shilling for you—Tattoo be always so tight; how does he keep himself so clean?
Trim. Sir, he is a tragedy drum to one of the playhouses.
Ld. H. Private gentlemen: Alexander Cowitch, Humphrey Mundungus, William Faggot, Nicholas Scab, Timothy Megrim, Philip Scratch, Nehemiah Dust, Humphrey Garbage, Nathaniel Matchlock.
Cam. What! Is Matchlock come back to the Company? That's the fellow that brought me off at Steinkirk.
Ld. H. No, sir, 'tis I am obliged to him for that. [Offering to give him money.] There, friend, you shall want for nothing; I'll give thee a halbert too.
Kate. O brave me! Shall I be a sergeant's lady? I' faith, I'll make the drums, and the corporal's wives, and Company-keepers know their distance.
Cam. How far out of the country did you come to list? Don't you come from Cornwall? How did you bear your charges?
Match. I was whipped from constable to constable——
Trim. Ay, my lord, that's due by the courtesy of England to all that want in red coats; besides, there's an Act that makes us free of all corporations, and that's the ceremony of it.
Cam. But what pretence had they for using you so ill? You did not pilfer?
Match. I was found guilty of being poor.
Cam. Poor devil!
Ld. H. Timothy Ragg! O Ragg! I thought when I gave you your discharge, just afore the peace, we should never have had you again. How came you to list now?
Ragg. To pull down the French king.
Ld. H. Bravely resolved! But pull your shirt into your breeches in the mean time. Jeoffrey Tatter—What's become of the skirts and buttons of your coat?
Tatter. In our last clothing in the regiment I served in afore, the colonel had one skirt before, the agent one behind, and every captain of the regiment a button.
Ld. H. Hush, you rogue, you talk mutiny. [Smiling.
Trim. Ay, sirrah, what have you to do with more knowledge than that of your right hand from your left? [Hits him a blow on the head.]
Ld. H. Hugh Clump—Clump, thou growest a little too heavy for marching.
Trim. Ay, my lord, but if we don't allow him the pay he'll starve, for he's too lame to get into the hospital.
Ld. H. Richard Bumpkin! Ha! A perfect country hick. How came you, friend, to be a soldier?
Bump. An't please your honour, I have been crossed in love, and am willing to seek my fortune.
Ld. H. Well, I've seen enough of 'em. If you mind your affair, and act like a wise general, these fellows may do—come, take your orders. [Trim puts his hat on his stick, while my lord is giving him the ring, and whispers orders.] Well, gentlemen, do your business manfully, and nothing shall be too good for you.
All. Bless your honour. [Exeunt Hardy and Campley.
Trim. Now, my brave friends and fellow-soldiers—[Aside.] I must fellow-soldier 'em just afore a battle, like a true officer, though I cane 'em all the year round beside—[Strutting about.] Major-General Trim; no, pox, Trim sounds so very short and priggish—that my name should be a monosyllable! But the foreign news will write me, I suppose, Monsieur or Chevalier Trimont. Seigneur Trimoni, or Count Trimuntz, in the German Army, I shall perhaps be called; ay, that's all the plague and comfort of us great men, they do so toss our names about. But, gentlemen, you are now under my command—huzza! thrice—faith, this is very pleasing, this grandeur! Why, after all, 'tis upon the neck of such scoundrels as these gentlemen that we great captains build our renown. A million or two of these fellows make an Alexander, and as that my predecessor said in the tragedy of him on the very same occasion, going to storm for his Statira, so do I for my dear seamstress, Madam d'Epingle—
When I rush on, sure none will dare to stay;
'Tis beauty calls, and glory leads the way.[31]