ACT THE SECOND.
Pincers and his Wife discovered with Miss Dolly, Ralph, and Margery.
Pin. Fie, Miss Dolly; do you say you heard no manner of noise when I was knocking my heart out?
Dolly. None in the least. In the country they talked of the rattling of coaches here in London. I heard nothing of it; I can hardly think I am yet in the City.
Mrs. Pin. Why, Miss Dolly, you won't say so, sure! Did you hear no drums nor trumpets?
Dolly. Not in the least.
Mrs. Pin. O gemini! Then, to be sure, the house is haunted, and the man of the inn has killed some traveller, and hid him behind the hangings, and we are all disturbed for it—'tis so to be sure.
Ralph. It is no otherwise. I wonder Counsellor Severn would bring master to such an inn as this is, so I do.
Pin. Chamberlain! why, chamberlain!
Enter Spider (as Chamberlain).
Spi. Do you call, sir?
Pin. Do you call, sir? Ay, marry do I, sir. What has been doing in the inn here, or in the streets, with trumpets and kettle-drums?
Spi. Trumpets and kettle-drums! Poor gentleman!
Pin. Poor gentleman! no, no poor gentleman.—I am afraid this house is no better than it should be.
Spi. Has not your worship lain warm? The bed is as good a bed as any in the house. A man of fifteen hundred a-year lay in it, and slept all night. He came to town to be fluxed. He was very much a gentleman, and owned he slept very well; and his bones ached but little in that easy bed.
Pin. Rogue! put honest folks, that have been man and wife these twenty years, into a p—— bed together!
Mrs. Pin. In a p—— bed, husband! Take the law of him.
Pin. Sirrah! has not Counsellor Severn been here this morning? Go, sirrah, bring me some water and a towel; I'll go to the Counsellor's chambers immediately. I'll trounce this house. [Exit Spider.
Dolly. [Aside.] I'll look over my letter again. [Reads.] "Be afraid of nothing; but know, that the disagreeable shapes Mr. Pincers is entertained with are not to appear to you; and when you know this, you may partake of that diversion of tormenting those who attempt only to sell and betray you. What you see are persons and appearances belonging to the several plays which are acted in this house."—Oh me! how pure is all this!
Re-enter Spider, with a Barber.
Spi. Here is the water and towel, and here is a barber if you want him. [Exit.
Pin. Harkee, Mr. Barber; you look like an honest man, put on your trimming cloths about me. I'll inquire of you what sort of people live in this house—Ha! what's this here?
"To Mr. Pincers, Esq."
[A letter has come down from the air with this direction.]
"Sir, repent of the ill you are contriving before it be too late. I shall appear to you and your wife only. In hopes of justice, I remain,
"Your dead and buried brother,
"Ralph Pincers."
Enter Spider, as Tapster.
Spi. Sir, do you call for nothing this morning? are not you dry, nor your wife neither, ha, old dry-boots?
Pin. What does this mean? A letter come directed to me out of the air—and my brother coming! Wife! Margery, do you see that letter? What can it mean? Look you, sauce-box; good man, Tapster, I shall take a course with you, sirrah, I shall.
Spi. You are a sneaking country bumpkin, sir.
Enter Dotterell, dressed like a Country Squire.
Pin. Bless us! there comes on my brother, in his old boots and grey riding-coat. 'Tis he: I ha'n't the heart to speak to it.
Dot. [Aside.] A country ghost! I shall laugh out. How frightened the dog is! I'll warrant the rogue has a great sum of money of mine. I'll make him give it me.—[To Pincers.] Repent, and don't cheat your brother, and break your word with a man that is dead and buried.—I shall laugh before the old put has refunded——[Aside.
Mrs. Pin. There is the justice come to fetch us away with him—he's come for Dolly's portion.—You know I was always for giving it all to her since Nancy's death.
Dot. Give me my money—give me my money.
Pin. Oh! how I tremble! yet dare not speak to him. [He comes nearer.
Dot. Show my last will and testament. Give me my money.
Pin. I cannot speak to him, to tell him I'll do everything.
Dot. I will haunt thee, and tear thy wife from the fell——
Mrs. Pin. He presents the figure of the poor child we had to cheat Dolly with! Oh, husband, he'll have me to punish thy sins! Oh, he has me, now, now, husband! [They both sink with the Barber at a trap-door.]
Ralph. "He presents the figure of the poor child we had to cheat Dolly with!" How shall I get off this ground. [Going away, fearfully.
Marg. Oh, Ralph! can you leave me? [They meet trembling, as if they found the place open.]
Ralph. Let us keep together, and not go underground in a strange place.
Marg. Tell me, Ralph, whether there was anything between you and Nan?
Ralph. Ask no questions, ask no questions, good Margery. [Exeunt.
Dolly. Whither shall I go, or where will this adventure end? Sure, Mr. Severn will——
[Four leaves of the MS. are here missing.]
Umb. The pretty good-natured absurdity! [Aside.]—But, madam, you forgot Lorenzo that you mentioned just now: you must see his—[Whistle. Scene changes.] there, madam, there's the place he spoke those charming words in. But I forget, madam, you are a country lady, and delight rather in airy prospects, tracts of land, and beauteous lawns. [Scene changes to the Park.
Dolly. Is this the Park? Pray, madam, where is the Birdcage Walk, where lovers meet for intrigue?
Umb. You shall see it in due time; for I have a thousand other things to tell you of. You must understand human life, and what passes in the world, before you give yourself away.—But I must not inform you of it abruptly and hastily.
Dolly. It will be charitable in you, madam, to do so.
Umb. I know you must be an admirer of poetry and good sense, without which music is insipid, or at least but half-informed.
Dolly. I have wished myself at London a thousand times, to see operas; but I would not have them sing nonsense.
Umb. Therefore, madam, I hope you'll like the poetry which Mr. Severn has ordered for the stage in celebration of two faithful lovers: they were persons in an humble condition, and no ways conspicuous but by their passion for each other; indeed, just what they should be conspicuous for——
An Inscription and Epitaph in a Country Church.[137]
"Near this place lie the bodies of John Hewett and Sarah Drew, an industrious young man and a virtuous maiden of this parish, who, having been contracted in marriage, and being with many others at harvest-work, were both in one instant killed by lightning on the last day of July, 1718."
Dolly. Oh! but the poetry—what a sad thing 'twould have been if one of them had been left alive—But pray let's see the poetry.
Umb. Have but patience and we will have convenience, miss, to sit down and hear it. [Scene changes to a bower.
"Think not with rigorous judgment seized,
A pair so faithful could expire;
Victims so pure Heaven saw well pleased,
And snatched them in celestial fire.
Live well, and fear not sudden fate;
When death calls virtue to the grave,
Alike 'tis justice soon or late,
Mercy alike to kill or save.
Virtue alike can hear the call,
And face the flash that melts the ball."
But let us take our places, and carry it gravely, suitable to your fortune and merit. [Here it is performed.