SECOND PART.
[What follows, was written and communicated to me at my request, but without any idea on the part of the writer, of the purpose to which I designed it; the originals of which, if desired, may be seen by application to me, in order to satisfy any who might feel a doubt with regard to the faithfulness of the transcript. I can however, assure the reader, that the alterations I have ventured to make, have been almost altogether confined to the spelling.—R. H.]
7th Mo. 24, 1799, I got to Camden. I will yet go on to shew the reader my uneasiness of mind after I got to Camden. I then thought I wanted a preparation to adore the goodness of God, that had begun with me in the back countries, and had brought me through so many difficulties; but with shame I must confess, I sang his praise, but soon forgot his works: yet the great God pitied me, and exercised a careful constant mind towards me, for my good: Oh! how deceitful is the heart of man.
But not long after I got to Camden, my master came from the state of Virginia, to Camden, Kent County, state of Delaware, where he found me; whereas he had not seen me since he put me aboard of the back country waggon, which, as I suppose, is near three or four hundred miles from Camden: upon first sight he asked me what I was a going to do? I says, how, master? he asked me, how did I think I was a going to get free, by running and dodging about in that manner? I said, why, master, I have suffered a great deal, and seen a great deal of trouble, I think you might let me go for little or nothing: he said, I wont do that, but I will give you the same chance I gave you before I sent you away; give me forty pounds bond and security, and you may be free: but I replied, I work hard at nights to get a little money to fee my lawyers, and if it had been right for me to be free, I ought to have been free without so much trouble; he asked me who I blamed for my trouble? I answered, I did not consider that I was to blame: Ah! said he, you can see other people’s faults, but cannot see your own. I said, master, you can’t blame me for a thing I never did; Ah! said he, my wrongs don’t make your’s right, and that word put me to silence; but I thought where the laws of the land made liberty the right of any man, he could, not be wrong in trying to recover it: but finally he sold me my time for eighty dollars and I dropped the lawsuit. I went to work, and worked it out in a shorter time than he gave me, and then I was free from man.
And when I came to think that the yoke was off my neck, and how it was taken off, I was made to wonder, and to admire, and to adore the order of kind providence, which assisted me in all the way. But I found in me a disposition to wander from the path of life, and forget the favour bestowed upon me, and went astray too shameful to be mentioned.
But in this lost condition there came a reasoning to me, to consider where I was a going, and where I should end; and to consider on the shortness of time, and the length of eternity: and a thought came into my mind, assuring me that my life was in the hand of God, and that he was looking for better behaviour from me; and that he was angry with me every day; and that he had whetted his sword, and made ready his arrows to shoot at me. Then my understanding began to be enlightened, to see my dreadful state by nature; and the more I considered on the nature and heinousness of my sin, both in thought, word, and deed, the more I was distressed in mind; but I found the sentence of death was passed against me, and it pressed on my mind, if I kept on going against light, I should soon feel the heat of the burning lake, or the misery of those that are driven to darkness at death. And when I considered the power of God, and for that power to be poured out upon me to all eternity, I began then to examine into my state and condition, and I found I had a falling spirit, prone to evil as the sparks fly upward; then I set myself to think how I could escape the misery that was coming on me. I considered my punishment would be as bad as those that went to darkness in old time: then I began to consider what God had done to save mankind from that fearful condition; and while I thought on the many ways he had taken to shew his earnest mind to save sinners, this consideration moderated my distress; but when I remembered my own ways that were not good, I felt ashamed even to lift my eyes to heaven to ask pardon for my sins; but the shortness of time, and the length of awful eternity, so arrested my mind, that I was made to realize eternal misery, and to cry like Jonah, as out of the belly of hell, for mercy and for pardon for all my sins. Oh! the thought of being amongst that black crew, when the Lord rains down snares, fire, and brimstone, and horribleness, terrified me much.
And now, reader, I will here record that God is rich in mercy, towards sinners of the deepest die; for when every other method failed, to shew his steadfast mind to save me, he sent a little boy to me with his finger at a text in a sermon book, “The wicked is driven away in his wickedness, but the righteous hath hope in his death;” the same text I had heard a methodist preacher take on a funeral occasion; then that little boy coming to me with his finger pointing at the same in the sermon book, it was about noon, the people nearly all gone to meeting, and I reading very earnest in the Testament: I took the book and began to read, and it pleased infinite goodness to look on me from the throne of his highness, and being unwilling that I should perish eternally, he sent down his awakening power, and I was made to quake and tremble; and an impression abode on my mind, that God was a true, and a just, and a holy God, and that no unclean thing could rest in his holy habitation. I saw I was a sinner condemned to die, but a call reached my soul, “take heed that you entertain no hopes of heaven, but what are built on a solid foundation;” a question arose in my mind, what foundation I had to hope for heaven? I examined and found I had none but what was built on the sand, and at death I must fall into hell; which caused a cry to be started from my heart to my maker, what I should do? a thought passed through my mind to make a resolution to amend my way, and turn and be good, but a second thought came powerfully into my mind, if I made another resolution and broke it as I had done, the door of mercy would be for ever shut against me. Then the good spirit brought to my mind the dangers and deaths from which I had been delivered, through the mercy of an indulgent God, and how I had called on him in trouble and he delivered me, and had answered me in the secret place of thunder; and it was pressed on my mind, that it was too dangerous to make another fool’s start: then I sensed to be in the wilderness, not knowing what to do: a thought arose in my mind, you have got into a pretty fix now, afraid even to make a resolution of amendment; then an enquiry again arose in my heart, from that depth of thought, what I should do? at the same time the hand-writing of God appeared against me, and that power that once shook the earth, shook my soul and body: it pressed on my mind, that it was the great power of God: and that word came into my mind, “they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation;” at the same time, the spirit of truth brought all things to my remembrance, my sins old and new, little and big, and I saw how hateful they all were in the sight of a holy God. Now let the Lord be praised both now and for ever, for the exceeding riches of his grace to all who will look at their sins, and his goodness, and consider and think, before it be too late, and be sorry, and turn from the evil of their ways, that they may understand the truth.
And now, reader, attend to the word sent to me in my distress, which was this: “believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved.” Oh! then, and not till then, did I ever desire saving faith; but I could not attain to it by all the exertion I could make: but Oh! reader, I found here in my distress, that faith is the gift of God, and that grace is not sown in the heart, till the heart is broken and contrite; that is, in earnest to study and enter into the saving plan of life and salvation, which is: “Let the wicked, forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts, and let them turn unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him, and abundantly pardon all that is passed.” But when I was put to the test to try my faith, I found I had none: then in the bitterness of my spirit, I desired the Lord to give me to feel the power of saving faith; and I struggled to lay hold on that word, “Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find;” but a question made me quake—which question was this: is your heart right? then I trembled, but could not tell whether my heart was right or not; and while I desired to know myself, this form passed through my mind; “Are you willing now to renounce the devil and all his works, and all the pomp and vanity of this wicked world, and all the sinful lusts of the flesh;” and I was enabled in my sinking, distressed state, to forsake every forbidden way for the sake of peace and pardon.—Then did God send down the power of saving faith; then, Oh! how terrible I saw the length, and breadth, and depth, and height of God’s eternal law: I also saw that heaven and earth would pass away, before one jot or tittle of his law should fail, or fall to the ground. Man must be converted, or never enter into the kingdom of heaven. A thought came into my heart, to go out to some secret place to pray; and as I walked, I trembled, and when I got to the place, I could only pray, “Lord have mercy upon me.” I cried as if falling into black despair, and having consented to forsake every wrong way, God, for Christ’s sake, had mercy on me, and pardoned my sins: Glory be to God, for ever and ever, Amen. Oh! praise the Lord, whose mercy is over all his works, from generation to generation, who hath put down the mighty from their seats, and hath exalted them of low degree, and ever holds his servant Israel in remembrance of his mercy. Oh! how faithful and true he is, to all who will yield to the striving of his spirit in their own hearts, before it takes its everlasting flight. Oh! how careful ought we to be, for fear we be left to ourselves; then blindness of mind, and hardness of heart will take place, and the soul be left to stumble on the dark mountains of unbelief, on which many have stumbled since the world began for not following the light that visits their mind; which appeareth in youth, and continueth with some shorter, and some longer, according to the entertainment this heavenly messenger gets in the hearts of all people. Oh! reader, think how many are now in the road to ruin, who are still slighting the call of grace; and if they keep on, must overtake them that are there already; and now I pray that none that sees this, may ever go another step towards the pit, from whence there is no return.
“Oh! that all may taste and see
“The riches of his grace:
“The arms of love that compass me,
“Would all mankind embrace!”
Having given the reader a short account of the abundant mercy bestowed on me by a bountiful God, who is engaged to raise poor sinners from a depth of sin and shame, to the height of happiness and glory; and if they yield to him he will do it, for faithful is he that has called you, who also will do it, if ye be willing and obedient. I now return to give the reader an account of the difficulties I met with, in buying my wife.
She was born a slave, and continued a slave till she was about thirty-two years of age, and I about twenty-eight years old; and having paid for myself, and got a little money beforehand, I was provoked to purpose buying of her. Before this, she and her master had fallen out, and he purposed to send her, and our first daughter, about three months old, away to the back countries; and how to do I did not know: to go with her I knew not where, or buy her at his price, brought me to a stand: and while I was perplexed, there came a messenger to me, who said her master had carried the negro buyer with him from court, in order to sell her to him; but when they were about to count out the money, his daughter broke out and cried in such a distressing manner, for my little daughter, that it caused him to recant at that time; but he made two more attempts, but was misput most providentially. At the same time, her master and I were both on one class-paper, which made it very trying to me, to keep up true love and unity between him and me, in the sight of God: this was a cause of wrestling in my mind; but that scripture abode with me, “He that loveth father or mother, wife or children, more than me, is not worthy of me;” then I saw it became me to hate the sin with all my heart, but still the sinner love: but I should have fainted, if I had not looked to Jesus, the author of my faith: but I would remark, that at the very moment I was about to give up, the Lord appeared for my help, to my great surprise. It pleased almighty goodness, to give my wife’s mistress that power which cut Rahab and wounded the Dragon; and she spoke with such concern of mind and said, “Oh do let Solomon have her; I have been afraid to speak, but I want him to have her, he appears to want to have her;” and these words, with a few more I omit, were attended with such force to her master’s mind, that he gave up with a whining tone, and said “He may have her;” so I hired her, and took her away the same day. After the year was out I went to pay him his money for her hire, and it being on a meeting day, some friends there who saw me pay the money, said to me, “you had better buy your wife at once;” her master answered, “I want him to buy her:” then they insisted on knowing his price; he said, “a hundred dollars, and give in all the hire;” which was fifty dollars less than ever he had mentioned before: I then said I would undertake it: then they insisted we should have it in writing, and we had it so. Thus I entered purchase of my wife, one hundred and three dollars and a third, which is thirty one pounds Virginia money. When the articles were drawn, I desired the writer to put down what was paid, and what was due; and then went on working and paying, until I had paid all but forty dollars and four-pence.
But here I will mention a remarkable circumstance: I grew uneasy about my wife and me living together without being married; and while I was studying how to bring it about, a tradition arose in the methodist church, to turn out all free members, that lived together as man and wife without being married: at the same time, preaching being held at her master’s house, the day came round for meeting; after public meeting, the class was called, when to my great surprise, the preacher asked me if I was free? I answered “yes:” he asked “if I had a wife?” I said “yes:” he asked, “are you married?” I answered “no:” he asked “if my wife was free?” I said “no, not properly so:” he asked “who had any claim on her?” the class leader said “Brother Melson:” the preacher asked me “if I was willing to be married?” I answered “yes,” and added, “I had been concerned about it, but did not know how to bring it to pass:” the preacher said, “it is easy driving when we are willing;” and then, before the society, added his reason as above, and said, “I suppose Brother Melson will have no objection.” Melson, her master, answered, “they may be married, and welcome, for what I care:” then said the preacher, “you can just give him an instrument to the clerk of the court, and he can get a licence and be married, and finish your business afterwards:” he then wrote to the same effect, and I went and got a licence, and we were married according to law.
Now the reader may take notice, that when we bargained, her master agreed to free her upon my paying him his money, or give me a bill of sale to empower me to free her; but after I had paid him about sixty-three dollars, he then took pet, and said “he would take her away, without I paid him all,” which was forty dollars and four-pence due: now he had given me receipts for all the money I had paid him, but no bill of sale or freedom. By this time my wife had one child after we bargained: he said he “would have the negroes or money;” but we being married, according to law, it made her mine; and the Judge of the court told me, “that her master could not get her, nor any more money:” but I felt easiest to do according to bargain, if he would fulfil according to agreement: but it was with great difficulty I got him to fix the business; when done, then I paid him, and then she was manumitted free, and I desired rest.
But I had one child in bondage, my only son, my first-born son; and having worked through the purchase of myself and wife, I thought I would give up my son, to the ordering of divine providence. So we worked on and got to farming, and were favoured, so that we did not fall through in twelve or thirteen years, renting land, and paying up, and keeping clear of the world.
Now the reader may take notice, that as I was going on thus, my son’s master died; and his property had to be sold, and my son had to be sold, as the other property, at public sale: the back-woods-men being come over, and giving such large prices for slaves, it occasioned a great concern to come over my mind; and I began to tell my concern to some friends, white and coloured, rich and poor; and they all with one accord persuaded me to buy him, that is, my son: I answered I could have no heart, because he was appraised at the death of his master at four hundred dollars; it being the latter end of the war in America, 1813, and the times dark and dull, I was much afraid to attempt to buy him: but I told my friends what was like to befal me, that when my son was nine months old, then I was sent away from him, as I told the reader in the beginning of my journal, and then I went through a fit of distress, and now he is like to be sent away from me, and then I shall have to go through another fit, and it will seem like double trouble: but my friends and neighbours continued pressing it on me, to meet the day of sale, and buy him; and finally I concluded to do it, and met the day of sale.
Then the crier made a noise in the court yard, before the court house door, and said, “a likely young negro fellow for sale,” and then asked for a bid; the second time he asked for a bid, I bid two hundred dollars, which was half what he was appraised to, at the death of his master. As soon as ever I had bid two hundred dollars, the man, I feared would buy and sell him to the back-country men, bid three hundred and thirty three dollars and a third, which was thirty-three dollars and a third more than I had intended to bid, which beat down all my courage. But a thought struck me, don’t give out so, so don’t; so I bid a shilling: then the same man bid twenty dollars, which was three hundred and fifty-four dollars: at that I sighed, and thought I must give him up, and let him go; but a thought came into my mind, to bid one time more, and not bid any more, if he went to the West Indies: so I bid a cent; but the crier said, no Solomon, not a cent, a shilling: well says I, let it go. As soon as my bid was confirmed, the same man went on, and I gave up then. My son had chosen a master, a justice of peace in town, said to be a good master, who had promised me before the sale began, that if he saw me give up, he would try and buy him; so he began and moved him up to three hundred and fifty-seven dollars, then he gave up. Then three great men, who had agreed to be my securities, were standing by; one of them was a methodist preacher, very rich; he looked at me as if he pitied me, and when he saw my son was likely to go off the wrong way, he says, “three shillings;” and when he spoke I cried, and turned off, and went and leaned against the court house, under a weight of concern; and as I was considering, that word came into my mind, “this is their hour and the power of darkness,” so I gave him up then. Now it did appear, the very moment I gave him up, and hope left me, then help came; for it pleased the Most High, who pitieth every sorrowful soul, in the riches of his mercy, to look on two young men that were acquainted with me, and to touch their hearts with such a sense of sympathy and pity towards my case, that they could not endure; and the dear young neighbour man, a great man’s son, says to my young master, who were both standing in the ring looking on, he says, “I had rather give twenty dollars out of my own pocket, than Solomon should not get him; but if Solomon will bid once more, I will give him four dollars:” my young master answered, “if you will give him five dollars, I will give him five dollars,” and says, “let us go and tell him;” so they both came to me, as I was leaning against the court house wall, and said in a moving tone, “Solomon, if you will bid one more bid, we will give you five dollars a piece;” I turned round and says, “a shilling,” which was a shilling upon three hundred and sixty dollars. Then a great man said, “there, let the old man have him, he is his son, he wants him, he can get security;” they kept at that till the switch went down; so he was knocked off to me at three hundred and sixty dollars and a shilling. Then the tender-hearted young man, that first proposed to my young master, went into the store, and brought five round silver dollars, and gave to me in the office, where I went to sign the bond; then three of my securities agreed upon the spot, to make me up twenty dollars at the day of payment.
By this time I got raised up from my sadness, and went out after I had signed the bond, so much revived and clothed with such a spirit of faith and courage, believing a way would be opened for me to get through, though I could not tell how; but as I came out of the office, I met the executor and administrator who said to me, “well, Solomon, you have got Spence after all;” I said, “yes, master George, but I gave up, and if it had not been for those men who pitied me, and who did as they did, I never should have got him, and now what will you give me?” He put his hand into his pocket, and pulled out a round silver dollar and gave me, which caused me to rejoice more for that one dollar, than for the twenty dollars promised me just before in the office: and now I will give the reader my reason why I rejoiced more for the one than for the twenty dollars; because two days before the sale, he, the executor and administrator, offered a challenge to me and to them I trusted in, touching the sale of my son; now as he was the first that put me in heart to try to buy my son, I thought it right, two days before the sale, to go to him and hear what he had to say to me; and when I got there, he says, “well Solomon, where are you going?” I said, “I am come down to meet the day of sale;” he said, “well, what are you going to do?” I answered, I want to buy my son if I can; he says, “you do?” and added, “you will have a hard time of it;” I answered, “I have been thinking so;” he says, “Solomon, there are four men who say they will give four hundred dollars for your son;” then says I “they will get him;” he says, “Solomon what are you willing to give?” I answered, “not more than two hundred and fifty dollars;” he says, “you will not get him for that, but I suppose you are so much in favour with the people, nobody will bid against you; but if nobody will bid against you, I will; you need not think you are going to get him for nothing,” and he seemed angry; then I was very sad at that saying, and says, “master George, you was the very first man that put me in heart, and now you seem to put me out of heart;” then he, in an angry gust of manner, said, “well Solomon, try your faith, and added, you remember the birds, and how you exercised faith, and was delivered; now try your faith;” as though he felt as if he could defy the armies of the living God: but when he gave me the dollar, then I thought of the challenge “now try your faith.” I then believed, that God could work and none could hinder him: although it appeared this man had done what he could, to bring me into that difficulty, yet, when through the goodness of the Highest I was encouraged, as above described, and being brought down as it were to nothing before the Lord, I was enabled to ask him in such a way that his hand and heart appeared to be opened, so that he gave me that dollar, for which I rejoiced more than for the twenty dollars promised me just before, as above stated: then was I enabled to sing aloud the praises of our king in spirit and in truth, who ever sits above, till all his foes submit and bow to his command, and fall beneath his feet: I confess the eyes of my mind appeared to be dazzled, as I was let into a sight of the great goodness of the Highest in undertaking for me: but Oh! reader, I felt a fear, lest my behaviour should not be suitable to the kindness and favour shewed towards me.
Now there was an impression on my mind, that the Father of Mercy would do greater things for me, for his own honour and praise, and my everlasting advantage, if my behaviour was right before him: it was impressed on my mind, that he was unchangeable in his purposes and designs, which are to set the captive souls at liberty, if they will follow him in the path of obedience; and no degrees of grace will destroy man’s capability of choosing, whether he will do right or wrong; doing right gives a secret satisfaction to the mind; but doing wrong is followed by a secret uneasiness, because God will be a swift witness against the wrong, and will justify what is right in man’s words and deeds, when done with right views. Oh! that all men would study the end of their creation, and act accordingly; then they would walk in the light of his countenance indeed, and “in his name they would rejoice all the day, and in his righteousness for ever be exalted;”
“Then should their sun in smiles decline,
“And bring a peaceful night;”
which, may all who read these lines, desire, seek, and obtain, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen, and Amen.