News from Zu
Anxious as I had been to avoid complications with Loa, her coming had not been the only reason for my sudden decision. For a long while, the difficulties occasioned by my reform measures had been growing more serious and the voices of popular complaint more menacing; hence I was anxious to find some way of diverting public attention. Moreover, the war with Zu, which dragged on interminably, was daily becoming more vexing; I still did not dare to antagonize public opinion by ending the conflict, as I had originally planned; and, to make matters worse, the enemy had lately attacked with new energy and resourcefulness. Already they had wrested from us a stretch of Nullnull seven yards deep and fifty-nine yards wide—a defeat which, though our papers did their best to conceal it, had somehow become public knowledge, vastly weakening my prestige.
I therefore realized that, in order to regain the ground I had lost, Wu must retake the ground it had lost; and I understood that, in attaining this objective, my presence on the field would be the best stimulus to the troops. Not that I actually cared a pin for Nullnull; but, knowing my reputation to be at stake, I was willing to risk all for the sake of a little of this barren land. As to whether I was competent to lead the troops, I felt no doubt at all; all our generals were so thoroughly versed in thoughtlessness that they did not seem hard to surpass; and, besides, had I not had six months' experience during the World War, as a lieutenant in the Commissary Department?
No action since I had become Dictator evoked such enthusiastic response as the announcement that I was about to command the army. The Blare and the Screamer, commending me in full-page editorials, expressed their thanks that I was ready to bring my people to "the most glorious turnover in history"; the masses, acclaiming me in wild demonstrations, cheered and celebrated until one would have thought I had already achieved a victory, instead of merely having promised one; a delegation of generals did me the honor of a personal visit and embarrassed me by presenting their plans, which were featured by an attack on the babes of Zu, whom they intended to slay in the cradle, in order to avoid having to slay them later on the battlefield.
Now I confess that my own plans were a little vague. So weary had I become of the Underworld that I did not particularly care if I should be "turned over" in the next engagement; however, I still had some principles and did not hesitate to antagonize the generals not only by rejecting the assault on the infants, but by vetoing other projects, such as the one calling for a Subterrain of unprecedented power, which would shatter the roof above the capital of Zu, burying the city and all its people amid the ruins.
Not quite realizing how the disgruntled generals were to conspire against me in secret, I set out on a "scootscoot" in the midst of an army of a hundred thousand picked soldiers, who, with their three-pointed helmets gleaming savagely while they marched with their peculiar prancing movement, made a resplendent and magnificent display. As we proceeded along the main avenues and galleries, the people came out to greet us with drums and banners, while they were shouting exultantly, "Have a successful turnover! A successful turnover! A successful turnover!" And the waving of banners, the stamping of feet, the discharging of toy explosives, and the glances of admiring eyes were such as to make the heart rejoice, in haughty contempt of any minor incident, such as a "turnover."
Owing to the torrential applause, my advance was greatly retarded and several "wakes" were consumed in the march to the "depths," as the natives termed the battle front. And, during the interval, tremendous changes were afoot. We caught intimations of these in the bulletins from Zu, which stated that the enemy, terrified at reports of my approach, were already thinking of retiring from the "top-line depths." Due to the happy intervention of our Bureau of Public Delirium (otherwise known as the "Propaganda Office") our spies in Zu had spread alarming reports as to the new Dictator of Wu; I was represented as a giant eight feet tall, who, thanks to his amber glasses, had a supernatural faculty of seeing close at hand, and was therefore irresistible in battle. The people of Zu—who, it appeared, had been as well-trained in thoughtlessness as their rivals in Wu—had been greatly impressed by such reports, which they never thought of questioning, particularly as the stories were circulated by those leading papers, the Fizz and the Pratler; and the consequence was that a wave of fear was shooting through the country.
To this day I am not certain just what changes occurred in that disturbed land. Our own papers, of course, were scrupulously unreliable, since a biased attitude was regarded as a patriotic duty; nevertheless, I knew that there must be some kernel of truth amid all the multitudes of rumors. Stories of riots and insurrections; stories of anti-war demonstrations; stories of the citizens' open refusal to go forth and be "turned over"; stories of a rebellion of the Third Class against the First and Second—all these came to us in such a continual stream that it was clear that something highly significant was developing.
Yet I was little prepared for the sequel when, on the fourth "wake" since my departure for the "depths," we reached the actual war area. I recognized the region easily enough, by the tremendous chasms, such as the one which Clay and I had observed on our arrival in Wu; besides, I could read everywhere the effects of warfare in the torn and broken galleries, the corridors with walls blown out and with ceilings sagging or fallen, the rutted and broken roads, threaded with deep gullies, and the general effect of blackness and devastation, which had blotted out every sign of human life.
Now it was that I began to look eagerly for the enemy, who were rumored to be in hiding hereabouts. My scouts pushed on ahead, being told to report any sign of hostile activity; while I, pitching camp in the wilderness at one corner of Nullnull, impatiently awaited that engagement which would either "turn me over" or make my reputation forever as the savior of Wu.
But once more I was to be disappointed. It has been regarded as one of the first principles of warfare, in all lands and ages, that, in order to fight, one must have an enemy—and, in this case, where was the enemy? Alas!—he could not be found! Had he undertaken a "strategical retreat"? This seemed quite possible, for nowhere amid all that ravaged land could we catch sight of a warrior of Zu. It now appeared that we could take all Nullnull without any loss of life; but this, being against all established precedents, which required a large "turnover," would have gained me no glory. Hence I could do nothing but wait, hoping that the men of Zu would be so obliging as to show themselves as targets; and, while I waited, several more "wakes" dragged past, and I was told that my own people were beginning to grumble at my want of action and were demanding more definite "results."
I was on the point of marching on, although much against my better judgment (for I feared a trap), when one "wake" a courier dashed into camp, breathless with haste, and demanded to see me at once. At first the man was so agitated that his face, instead of being chalky-pale, was flushed a deep scarlet; and, upon being ushered into my presence, he was unable to do more than gasp out a few meaningless monosyllables.
"Your Excellency—Excellency," he panted, when, having made deep obeisance, he stood before my chair, streaming with perspiration. "Your Excellency, I—I have just come from Zu!"
"Yes—what of it?" I demanded.
"Oh, Your Excellency—Your Abysmal Excellency, the most wonderful news!" ejaculated my visitor, as by degrees he regained his breath. "The most marvelous, most miraculous news!"
"What news? Out with it!"
Still panting, and with chest powerfully heaving, the man paused for a moment, the better to regain control of himself.
"Your Abysmal Excellency," he resumed, in a less excited manner, although with his tense emotion still manifest, "I have just been in Zu! I have seen what none of our countrymen have seen! The news is still censored. But I know that I speak truth. There has been a revolution in Zu!"
"A revolution?" I cried, leaping to my feet, while my caller's excitement began to take fire in me.
"Indeed, Your Excellency, a great revolution! The people have risen up and driven Oono Yuno, the old Dictator, from the throne. It was not because of the war, Your Excellency. They say he did not give them the right capsules to eat. And now they have a new Dictator."
"New Dictator? Who may he be?"
"I wish I knew, Your Excellency. Nobody seems to know. He calls himself Rah the Righteous. He is said to have the strangest looks of any man in the world."
"What does he look like?" I demanded, growing more interested each moment.
My informant hesitated. An expression of fear shot across his face, now growing chalky white once more. "You are sure that you will not punish me, Your Excellency? The tales are so strange that you will not believe them. I do not know if I believe them myself."
"Come, tell me everything!" I insisted, half convinced that I was about to hear some fairy story. "I will not have you punished."
"Well, Your Excellency, I know you will laugh. No man like him has ever been seen before. They say his eyes are blue. And his hair is red."
"Eyes blue? Hair red?" I gasped. And I reeled backwards and felt ready to collapse. Had not the Tan Trums assured me, long ago, that red-haired natives were unheard of? And had not my lost friend Clay boasted locks of a bright carrot hue?