CHAPTER XLII.
STUDY.
It seemed to Hazel, that in these days there was no end to the thinking she had to do; and if Mr. Rollo had only known, she remarked to herself, he need not have been at the trouble to point out new lines of study. The mere sight of him for two hours had put her head in a tangle that it would take her a month to clear away. Some of the questions indeed had started up under the conversation of Mrs. Coles; but with them now came others, all wrapped round and twisted in; and instead of dreamily watching the fire in her twilight musings, she began now to spend them with her cheek on her book, or her head dropped on her hands, an impatient little sigh now and then bearing witness to the depth of the difficulties in which she was plunged. What was foremost among the subjects of her musings?—perhaps this strange new talk of Mr. Rollo's, with the whole new world of work and interest and consecration which had opened before him. It made her sober,—it brought back the old lonely feelings which of late (since she knew herself to belong to somebody 'in idea') had somewhat passed out of sight. He was beginning a new, glad life; growing wiser and better than she; making himself a blessing, whereas she was only a care. What could she do for him any more?—would he even want her any more? given up now to these new ways of which she knew nothing, and in which somebody else might suit him better—say Primrose? But at that, Miss Wych started up and stirred the fire energetically, and then came back to her musings.
What did she care, anyhow? She passed that question, turned it round, and took it up in another shape. How would she bear to be all her life under orders? in 'closer' guardianship?—and there the word 'sweeter' flashed in, confusingly. But that was not business. Did she—that is, could she—like him well enough to like to give up her own way? Answer, a prompt negative. Never!—Not if she liked him ten times more than—but it is awkward dealing with unknown quantities: Hazel sheered off. Suppose she didn't like it—could she do it? do it so that he would never find out what it cost her? do it to give him pleasure? do it because it was his right? Waiving her own pleasure, pushing aside her own will? Could she do it?—Well, there was not the least hope that she would wish to do it. She should always like her own best: no doubt of that.
Then could she (perhaps) learn such trust in his judgment, as would turn her own will round?—As hopeless as the other. Sometimes, of course, he might be right,—by a great stretch of leniency Miss Wych allowed so far,—sometimes, it was certain, she would. Well: could she give his judgment as well as his will the right of way? For unless she could, Wych hazel felt quite sure of one thing: she should never be happy a minute in such guardianship. She had not dared to give herself a possible reason for liking it in the old times,—could she do it, now that she dared? Was she willing to give up, sometimes or always, to just that one person in all the world?—turning her bonds into bracelets, and wearing them royally? And there her thoughts went down to the real bracelet on her arm, and its motto, so suddenly become his:
'In hope of eternal life.'—Would he care for her any more?
O how thoughts tired themselves, toiling round these points! and slowly uprising from them came yet another, which filled the air. What was she to say at the year's end?—or, if this were the year's end, what would she say now?—supposing Mr. Rollo still cared what she said. But that last question must be studied by and by. Mr. Rollo would have been amused, may be, and may be a little touched, if he had known the ogre-like shapes in which the girl conjured him up, just to see if she could endure him so: putting herself to superhuman tests. But her imagination played tricks, after all; for every Afrite came up with a face and voice before which she yielded, perforce; and even her favourite scene of standing still as the bay and having him snap his fingers for her, ended one day in a laugh, as she thought what she would say if he ever did. Then finding she had got very far beyond limits, Hazel coloured furiously and ran away from her thoughts. But they hindered her new study, and interrupted it; and the study brought up the new pain; only slowly through it all, one thing gradually grew clear, helped on by her pain perhaps as much as anything: she would rather belong to somebody than not—if somebody wanted her! And there was only one somebody in the world, of whom that was true.
Whereupon, with characteristic waywardness, Miss Wych at once gave up her recluse life; accepted invitations, and pulled Mr. Falkirk into a round of outdoor gaiety that nearly turned his head. Trying, perhaps, to test her discoveries, or to get rid of her thoughts; or to prove to herself conclusively that she did not wish for any more visits from Chickaree.
And so Wych Hazel knew her own secret.
Typographical errors silently corrected :
Contents : =favors= silently corrected as =favours=
Chapter 3 : =This is Haydn's Dam= silently corrected as =This is Hadyn's Dam=
Chapter 4 : =in to, for the sun= silently corrected as =in too, for the sun=
Chapter 4 : =Sometime before= silently corrected as =Some time before=
Chapter 5 : =has made you to day= silently corrected as =has made you to-day=
Chapter 5 : =then he said. 'It is too= silently corrected as =then he said, 'It is too=
Chapter 6 : =said Mr Falkirk= silently corrected as =said Mr. Falkirk=
Chapter 6 : =Mr Kingsland at her feet= silently corrected as =Mr. Kingsland at her feet=
Chapter 7 : =folly or ill-humor= silently corrected as =folly or ill-humour=
Chapter 7 : =Rollo at the horse's heads= silently corrected as =Rollo at the horses' heads=
Chapter 8 : =lady could eat;= silently corrected as =lady could eat?=
Chapter 12 : =that whitehandkerchief= silently corrected as =that white handkerchief=
Chapter 13 : =just a litle bit= silently corrected as =just a little bit=
Chapter 14 : =translated from her.= silently corrected as =translated from her—=
Chapter 15 : =then you, and I can= silently corrected as =then you and I can=
Chapter 15 : =What did you say, my dear.= silently corrected as =What did you say, my dear?=
Chapter 16 : =his post down the brook;= silently corrected as =his post down the brook,=
Chapter 16 : ='contriving;' his own= silently corrected as ='contriving' his own=
Chapter 17 : =It is the pumpkin= silently corrected as =Is it the pumpkin=
Chapter 18 : =brown fairies to day= silently corrected as =brown fairies to-day=
Chapter 18 : =when I was a child;= silently corrected as =when I was a child,=
Chapter 18 : =Two fair days= silently corrected as =two fair days=
Chapter 18 : =of several gentleman= silently corrected as =of several gentlemen=
Chapter 19 : =until I bring you word.= silently corrected as =until I bring you word?=
Chapter 19 : =softly endeavoring= silently corrected as =softly endeavouring=
Chapter 19 : =Chickaree) ordered up= silently corrected as =Chickaree), ordered up=
Chapter 19 : =However had he dared= silently corrected as =How ever had he dared=
Chapter 20 : =Miss' Azel'll get= silently corrected as =Miss 'Azel'll get=
Chapter 20 : =h'it's 'ere, h'it's'ere= silently corrected as =h'it's 'ere, h'it's 'ere==
Chapter 22 : =disturbing Mrs. Maryland= silently corrected as =disturbing Miss Maryland=
Chapter 22 : =disagreeable,= silently corrected as d=isagreeable.=
Chapter 22 : =the other man about.= silently corrected as =the other man about?=
Chapter 23 : =He said after= silently corrected as =he said after=
Chapter 23 : =favorite opera air= silently corrected as =favourite opera air=
Chapter 23 : =we had a royal time?= silently corrected as =we had a royal time!=
Chapter 23 : =they last beheld you?= silently corrected as =they last beheld you!=
Chapter 26 : a=nd her voice was clear= silently corrected as =and his voice was clear=
Chapter 27 : =I shall wear blue to night= silently corrected as =I shall wear blue to-night=
Chapter 27 : =What's the matter!= silently corrected as W=hat's the matter?=
Chapter 27 : =hospitality again to night= silently corrected as =hospitality again to-night=
Chapter 28 : =you know that is a sort= silently corrected as =You know that is a sort=
Chapter 28 : =till another time.= silently corrected as =till another time?=
Chapter 29 : C=hickaree left behind.= silently corrected as =Chickaree left behind!=
Chapter 29 : =näively= silently corrected as =naïvely=
Chapter 29 : =Rollo siezed= silently corrected as =Rollo seized=
Chapter 30 : =grave consideration,= silently corrected as =grave consideration.=
Chapter 30 : =added Mrs. Cole= silently corrected as =added Mrs. Coles=
Chapter 30 : =for insanity;= silently corrected as =for insanity.=
Chapter 32 : =must must here= silently corrected as =must here=
Chapter 32 : =lady and gentlemen= silently corrected as =lady and gentleman=
Chapter 33 : =best of the neighborhood= silently corrected as =best of the neighbourhood=
Chapter 34 : =the worst of is= silently corrected as =the worst of it=
Chapter 34 : =The gentlemen looked= silently corrected as =The gentleman looked=
Chapter 35 : =vis-a-vis= silently corrected as =vis-à-vis=
Chapter 35 : =hair'sbreadth= silently corrected as =hair's breadth=
Chapter 35 : =mysterieuses= silently corrected as =mystérieuses=
Chapter 36 : =decolletée= silently corrected as =décolletée=
Chapter 36 : =clergymen's back= silently corrected as =clergyman's back=
Chapter 37 : =better by and by,= silently corrected as =better by and by.=
Chapter 38 : =But Hazel= silently corrected as =but Hazel=
Chapter 39 : =in the the abstract= silently corrected as =in the abstract=
Chapter 39 : =laid head= silently corrected as =laid her head=
Chapter 40 : =neighborhood of Chickaree= silently corrected as =neighbourhood of Chickaree=
Chapter 40 : =No, Sir= silently corrected as =No, sir=
Chapter 40 : =degagé air= silently corrected as =dégagé air=
Chapter 41 : =plunged into another,= silently corrected as =plunged into another.=
Chapter 41 : =quick way as she= silently corrected as =quick way as if she=
Chapter 42 : =became his= silently corrected as =become his=