THE IDLE APPRENTICE TURNED INFORMER.
A New Ballad, by T. C., Esq.[24]
Tune—"When I was Maid, oh then, oh then!"
I once was a placeman, but then, but then,
I once was a placeman, but then
'Twas in the pure day
Of Lansdowne and Grey,
And the rest of the talented men—men!
And the rest of the talented men!
I had been a lawyer, but then, but then,
I had been a lawyer, but then
I hated the fag
Of the wig and the bag,
And envied the Parliament men—men,
And envied the Parliament men.
So I married a widow, and then, and then,
So I married a window, and then
Folks wonder'd to see
That a woman could be
So fond of a face like a wen—wen,
So fond of a face like a wen.
But she had a borough, and then, and then,
She had a borough, and then,
By the help of the dame,
I got into the same,
But never could do it again—again,
Never could do it again.
So I found out another, and then, and then,
So I found out another, and then
The worthy Lord Thanet,
He chose me to man it,
As free——as a sheep in a pen—pen!
As free as a sheep in a pen!
At last we got power, and then, and then,
At last we got power, and then
A salary clean
Of hundreds fifteen,
Made me the most happy of men—men,
Made me the most happy of men.
The first quarter-day came, and then, and then,
The first quarter-day came, and then
I reckon'd my score,
But I never did more
Till quarter-day came round again—'gain,
Till quarter-day came round again.
Despatches came sometimes, but then, but then,
Despatches came sometimes, but then
I handed them slyly
To Morpeth or Hiley,
And limp'd back to Brookes's again—'gain,
And limp'd back to Brookes's again.
If Ossulston call'd on me, then, oh then,
If Ossulston call'd on me then,
We stroll'd through the Park,
And the folks would remark,
We look'd like an owl and a wren—wren,
We look'd like an owl and a wren.
If I walk'd with dear Sefton, oh then, oh then,
If I walk'd with dear Sefton, oh then,
The people would stare,
And think us a pair
Of mummers, that parodied men—men,
Of mummers, that parodied men.
If I stay'd at the office, oh then, oh then,
If I stay'd at the office, oh then,
I damn'd all the Hindoos—
Look'd out of the windows—
And sometimes I mended a pen—pen!
And sometimes I mended a pen!
Such toil made me sulky, and then, and then,
Such toil made me sulky, and then,
If I ask'd for old Wright,
He came in in a fright,
As if to a bear in his den—den,
As if to a bear in his den.
This lasted a twelvemonth, and then, oh then,
This lasted a twelvemonth, and then,
To end all our cares,
They kick'd us down stairs,
As a hint not to come back again—'gain,
As a hint not to come back again.
The tumble was heavy, and then, oh then,
The tumble was heavy, and then
I grew very sour
At placemen and power,
And croak'd like a frog in a fen—fen,
And croak'd like a frog in a fen.
I vow'd to have vengeance, and then, oh then,
I vow'd to have vengeance, and then
'Tis a vulgar belief,
At catching a thief,
An accomplice is equal to ten—ten,
An accomplice is equal to ten.
So I turn'd informer, and then, oh then,
I turn'd informer, and then
I tried to expose
My friends and my foes,
As equally infamous men—men,
As equally infamous men.
The Whigs they cashier'd me, and then, oh then,
The Whigs they cashier'd me, and then
Grey haughtily swore
He'd trust me no more,
Not even with cutting a pen—pen,
Not even with cutting a pen.
Next Canning chastised me, and then, oh then,
Next Canning chastised me, and then,
If what is called shame,
Were aught but a name,
I could ne'er show my visage again—'gain,
I could ne'er show my visage again.
THE QUEEN'S SUBSCRIPTION.[25]
Tune—"The Black Joke."
Whoe'er knows St. James's, knows where the Whigs met
In behalf of the Queen, a subscription to get,
For her Black Wig and her Character white.
By Truth and by Wisdom supported she stood—
Truth's part play'd by Brougham, that of Wisdom by Wood—
They cursed, and they swore that she ne'er did amiss,
Though the Baron, they own'd, was so rude as to kiss
The Black Wig with the Character white.
At Brookes's they met—but demurr'd to the call
Of producing the cash—as they had none at all
For the Black Wig and the Character white.
Coke growl'd about rents, swore the funds ought to pay;
But Baring grimaced, and Ricardo squeak'd "Nay!"
And the young ones exclaim'd, in a querulous tone,
They each had to pay for a Saint of their own,
With a Black Wig and a Character white.
But though the subscription was tardy, and they
Had nothing to give, they had plenty to say
For the Black Wig and the Character white.
Lord Tavistock stammer'd three words in her praise,
And Sefton his voice and his shoulders did raise;
And Calcraft his nose cock'd, and Grant cock'd his eye,
And hypocrite Bennet pretended to cry
For the Black Wig and her Character white.
Fitzwilliam, that reverend proselyte, rose—
(We'll make him speak verse since he cannot speak prose)
For the Black Wig and her Character white.
"You seem," quoth the sage, "all averse to give cash,
And, in truth, you are right—what is money but trash?"
Let's give something better to end all these quarrels,
And raise a subscription of virtue and morals,
For the Black Wig and her Character white.
Besides, 'tis no merit one's surplus to share,
Then let us give that which the least we can spare
To the Black Wig and her Character white.
For me I have changed all my friends at the brunt,
From Fox, Pitt, and Burke, down to Cobbett and Hunt,
As fickle in age as I was in my youth:
So freely subscribe my political truth
To the Black Wig and her Character white.
Old Tierney set down, with a sorrowful face,
The hopes of his life, all the prospects of place,
To the Black Wig and her Character white.
The message which Brougham had advised and had penn'd,
Poor Tierney had rashly advanced to defend,
And not to subscribe would be rather uncivil,
So he gives very frankly—he gives—to the Devil
The Black Wig and her Character white.
Such cheap contributions delighted the pack,
And, for once, they were ready their leaders to back,
For the Black Wig and her Character white.
Silly Billy, God bless him! subscribed all his sense;
Of loyalty Grey made a gallant expense;
The Gospels, Lord Grosvenor flung down in a boast;
And Erskine gave nobly—himself, as a toast;
For the Black Wig and her Character white.
Bald Bedford, his still balder eloquence gave;
And Blessington thought that his coup-d'œil might save
The Black Wig and her Character white.
Big Nugent bestow'd all his graces upon her,
Ned Ellice his credit, and Guildford his honour;
The Heathcotes, their sense—both the old and the young—
And Hume gave—a notice, and Lambton gave—tongue
For the Black Wig and her Character white.
By Fergusson back'd, Michael Angelo Taylor
Supposed that his statesman-like views might avail her
Black Wig and her Character white.
Charles Calvert and Hurst their gentility join;
And Grenfell was ready, his visage to coin;
And Creevy, of other donations bereft,
Subscribed all the courage that Warrender left,
To the Black Wig and her Character white.
Grave Folkstone, who once before leap'd in the dark,
Transfers his devotions from Mary Ann Clarke
To the Black Wig and her Character white.
And Wetherell and Tennyson, soi-disant Lawyers,
Would give her their fees—if they had but employers.
Scarlett offers his law and his wit too,—for Scarlett
Chimes in—as he pleasantly tell us—with Harlot
In a Black Wig and a Character white.
But some with whom nominal morals ran low,
Contrived other modes their devotion to show,
To the Black Wig and her Character white.
Burdett gave the bond he recover'd from Scott—
And Wilson the thanks in the field he had got—
And Leinster a visiting card of his rib's—
And Foley a draft upon—Howard and Gibbs!
For the Black Wig and her Character white.
But as to the rest it were tedious to sing,
How they sacrificed love of their Country and King,
To the Black Wig and her Character white.
Such talents, such virtues, how much they surpass
Baring's stock, Grenfell's copper, or Lushington's brass!
Endow'd with such treasures, who would not dispense
With the paltry account of pounds, shillings, and pence,
For the Black Wig and her Character white?
But when the great Lady was told of the kind
Of efforts the Whigs made for raising the wind
For her Black Wig and her Character white,
She rose in a fury, and roar'd out, "God-zounds!
Run, Vizard, secure me Lord Liverpool's pounds;
Of the virtues of Whigs I have more than my share,
And their talents and truth are not worth half an hair
Of my Black Wig and my Character white."