THE UNWISE SCHOOLMASTER WHO FELL IN LOVE BY REPORT.
(Quoth one of the learned) I passed once by a school, wherein a schoolmaster was teaching children; so I entered, finding him a good-looking man and a well-dressed; when he rose to me and made me sit with him. Then I examined him in the Koran and in syntax and prosody and lexicography; and behold, he was perfect in all required of him, so I said to him, “Allah strengthen thy purpose! Thou art indeed versed in all that is requisite.” Thereafter I frequented him a while, discovering daily some new excellence in him, and quoth I to myself, “This is indeed a wonder in any dominie; for the wise are agreed upon a lack of wit in children’s teachers.” Then I separated myself from him and sought him and visited him only every few days, till coming to see him one day as of wont, I found the school shut and made enquiry of his neighbours, who replied, “Some one is dead in his house.” So I said in my mind, “It behoveth me to pay him a visit of condolence,” and going to his house, knocked at the door, when a slave-girl came out to me and asked, “What dost thou want?” and I answered, “I want thy master.” She replied, “He is sitting alone, mourning;” and I rejoined, “Tell him that his friend so and so seeketh to console him.” She went in and told him; and he said, “Admit him.” So she brought me in to him, and I found him seated alone and his head bound with mourning fillets. So I said to him, “Allah requite thee amply! this is a path all must perforce tread, and it behoveth thee to take patience;” adding, “But who is dead unto thee?” He answered, “One who was dearest of the folk to me and best beloved.” “Perhaps thy father?” “No!” “Thy brother?” “No!” “One of thy kindred?” “No!” Then asked I, “What relation was the dead to thee?”; and he answered, “My lover.” Quoth I to myself “This is the first proof to swear by of his lack of wit.” So I said to him, “Assuredly there be others than she and fairer;” and he made answer, “I never saw her, that I might judge whether or no there be others fairer than she.” Quoth I to myself, “This is another proof positive.” Then I said to him, “And how couldst thou fall in love with one thou hast never seen?” He replied “Know that I was sitting one day at the window, when lo! there passed by a man, singing the following distich:—
Umm Amr’,[[169]] thy boons Allah repay! ✿ Give back my heart be’t where it may!”
And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say her permitted say.
Now when it was the Four Hundred and Third Night,
She said, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that the schoolmaster continued, “When I heard the man humming these words as he passed along the street, I said to myself:—Except this Umm Amru were without equal in the world, the poets had not celebrated her in ode and canzon. So I fell in love with her; but, two days after, the same man passed, singing the following couplet:—
Ass and Umm Amr’ went their way; ✿ Nor she, nor ass returned for aye.
Thereupon I knew that she was dead and mourned for her. This was three days ago, and I have been mourning ever since.” So I left him and fared forth, having assured myself of the weakness of the gerund-grinder’s wit. And they tell another and a similar tale of
[169]. Umm Amrí (written Amrú and pronounced Amr’) a matronymic, “mother of Amru.” This story and its terminal verse is a regular Joe Miller.
THE FOOLISH DOMINIE.[[170]]
Once upon a time, a schoolmaster was visited by a man of letters who entered a school and, sitting down by the host’s side, entered into discourse with him and found him an accomplished theologian, poet, grammarian, philologist and poet; intelligent, well bred and pleasant spoken; whereat he wondered, saying in himself, “It cannot be that a man who teacheth children in a school, should have a perfect wit.” Now when he was about to go away, the pedant said to him, “Thou art my guest to-night;” and he consented to receive hospitality and accompanied him to his house, where he made much of him and set food before him. They ate and drank and sat talking, till a third part of the night was past when the host spread his guest a bed and went up to his Harim. The stranger lay down and addressed himself to sleep, when, behold, there arose a great clamour in the women’s rooms. He asked what was the matter and they said, “A terrible thing hath befallen the Shaykh and he is at the last gasp.” Said he, “Take me up to him”; so they took him up to the pedagogue whom he found lying insensible, with his blood streaming down. He sprinkled water on his face and when he revived, he asked him “What hath betided thee? When thou leftest me, thou wast in all good cheer and whole of body;” and he answered, “O my brother, after I left thee, I sat meditating on the creative works of Almighty Allah, and said to myself:—In every thing the Lord hath created for man, there is an use; for He (to Whom be glory!) made the hands to seize, the feet to walk, the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the penis to increase and multiply; and so on with all the members of the body, except these two ballocks; there is no use in them. So I took a razor I had by me and cut them off; and there befel me what thou seest.” So the guest left him and went away, saying, “He was in the right who said:—Verily no schoolmaster who teacheth children can have a perfect wit, though he know all the sciences.” And they tell a pleasant tale of the
[170]. Abuse and derision of schoolmaster are staple subjects in the East as in the West, (Quem Dii oderunt pædagogum fecerunt). Anglo-Indians will remember:
Miyán-ji ti-ti!
Bachche-kí gánd men anguli kí thi!
(Schoolmaster hum!
Who fumbled and fingered the little boy’s bum?)