A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Volume 01

by Unknown

THE PARDONER AND THE FRIAR.

THE FRIAR.

Deus hic, the Holy Trinity,
Preserve all that now here be!
Dear brethren, if ye will consider
The cause, why I am come hither,
Ye would be glad to know my intent:
For I come not hither for money nor for rent,
I come not hither for meat nor for meal,
But I come hither for your soul's heal:
I come not hither to poll nor to shave,
I come not hither to beg nor to crave,
I come not hither to gloss nor to flatter,
I come not hither to babble nor to clatter,
I come not hither to fable nor to lie,
But I come hither your souls to edify.
For we friars are bound the people to teach,
The gospel of Christ openly to preach,
As did the apostles by Christ their master sent,
To turn the people and make them to repent.
But since the apostles from heaven would not come,
We friars now must occupy their room.
We friars are bound to search men's conscience,
We may not care for groats nor for pence,
We friars have professed wilful poverty,
No penny in our purse have may we;
Knife nor staff may we none carry,
Except we should from the gospel vary.
For worldly adversity may we be in no sorrow,
We may not care to-day for our meat to-morrow,
Barefoot and barelegged must we go also:
We may not care for frost nor snow;
We may have no manner care, ne think
Nother for our meat nor for our drink;
But let our thoughts fro such things be as free
As be the birds that in the air flee.
For why our Lord, cleped sweet Jesus,
In the gospel speaketh to us thus:
Through all the world go ye, saith He,
And to every creature speak ye of me;
And show of my doctrine and cunning,
And that they may be glad of your coming.
If that you enter in any house anywhere,
Look that ye salute them, and bid my peace be there;
And if that house be worthy and elect,
Th'ilk peace there then shall take effect;
And if that house be cursed or pervert,
Th'ilk peace then shall to yourself revert.
And furthermore, if any such there be,
Which do deny for to receive ye,
And do despise your doctrine and your lore,
At such a house tarry ye no more;
And from your shoes scrape away the dust
To their reprefe; and I, both true and just,
Shall vengeance take of their sinful deed.
Wherefore, my friends, to this text take ye heed:
Beware how ye despise the poor freres,
Which are in this world Christ's ministers;
But do them with an hearty cheer receive,
Lest they happen your houses for to leave;
And then God will take vengeance in His ire.
Wherefore I now, that am a poor friar,
Did inquire where any people were
Which were disposed the Word of God to hear;
And as I came hither, one did me tell
That in this town right good folk did dwell,
Which to hear the Word of God would be glad;
And as soon as I thereof knowledge had,
I hither hied me as fast as I might,
Intended by the grace of God Almighty,
And by your patience and supportation,
Here to make a simple collation;
Wherefore I require all ye in this prese[nce]
For to abide and give due audience.
But, first of all,
Now here I shall
To God my prayer make,
To give ye grace
All in this place
His doctrine for to take.

[And then kneeleth down the friar saying his prayers, and in the meanwhile entereth the pardoner with all his relics, to declare what each of them been, and the whole power and virtue thereof.

THE PARDONER.

God and Saint Leonard send ye all his grace,
As many as been assembled in this place!
Good devout people that here do assemble,
I pray God that ye may all well resemble
The image after which you are wrought,
And that ye save that Christ in you bought.
Devout Christian people, ye shall all wit,
That I am comen hither ye to visit;
Wherefore let us pray thus, ere I begin:
Our Saviour preserve ye all from sin,
And enable ye to receive this blessed pardon,
Which is the greatest under the sun:
Granted by the Pope in his bulls under lead,
Which pardon ye shall find, when ye are dead;
That offereth outher groats or else pence,
To these holy relics which, ere I go hence,
I shall here show in open audience,
Exhorting ye all to do to them reverence.
But first ye shall know well that I come from Rome;
Lo, here my bulls, all and some:
Our liege Lord seal here on my patent
I bear with me my body to warrant;
That no man be so bold, be he priest or clerk,
Me to disturb of Christ's holy wark;
Nor have no disdain nor yet scorn
Of these holy relics which saints have worn.
First here I show ye of a holy Jew's hip[169]
A bone—I pray you, take good keep
To my words and mark them well:
If any of your beasts' bellies do swell,
Dip this bone in the water that he doth take
Into his body, and the swelling shall slake;
And if any worm have your beasts stung,
Take of this water, and wash his tongue,
And it will be whole anon; and furthermore
Of pox and scabs, and every sore,
He shall be quite whole that drinketh of the well
That this bone is dipped in: it is truth that I tell
And if any man, that any beast oweth,[170]
Once in the week, ere that the cock croweth,
Fasting will drink of this well a draught,
As that holy Jew hath us taught,
His beasts and his stores shall multiply.
And, masters all, it helpeth well,
Though a man be foul in jealous rage,
Let a man with this water make his pottage,
And never more shall he his wife mistrist,[171]
Though he in sooth the fault by her wist,
Or had she been taken with friars two or three.
Here is a mitten eke, as ye may see:
He that his hand will put in this mitten,
He shall have increase of his grain,
That he hath sown, be it wheat or oats,
So that he offer pence or else groats,
And another holy relic eke here see ye may:
The blessed arm of sweet Saint Sunday;
And whosoever is blessed with this right hand,
Cannot speed amiss by sea nor by land.
And if he offereth eke with good devotion,
He shall not fail to come to high promotion,
And another holy relic here may ye see:
The great toe of the Holy Trinity;
And whosoever once doth it in his mouth take,
He shall never be diseased with the toothache;
Cancer nor pox shall there none breed:
This that I show ye is matter indeed.
And here is of our lady a relic full good:
Her bongrace which she ware, with her French hood,
When she went out always for sun-burning:
Women with child which be in mourning
By virtue thereof shall be soon eased,
And of their travail full soon also released,
And if this bongrace they do devoutly kiss,
And offer thereto, as their devotion is.
Here is another relic eke, a precious one,
Of All-Hallows the blessed jaw bone,
Which relic without any fail
Against poison chiefly doth prevail;
For whomsoever it toucheth without doubt,
All manner venom from him shall issue out;
So that it shall hurt no manner wight.
Lo, of this relic the great power and might,
Which preserveth from poison every man!
Lo, of Saint Michael eke the brain-pan,
Which for the headache is a preservative
To every man or beast that beareth life;
And further it shall stand him in better stead,
For his head shall never ache, when that he is dead,
Nor he shall feel no manner grief nor pain,
Though with a sword one cleave it then a-twain;
But be as one that lay in a dead sleep.
Wherefore to these relics now come crouch and creep,
But look that ye offering to them make,
Or else can ye no manner profit take.
But one thing, ye women all, I warrant you:
If any wight be in this place now,
That hath done sin so horrible, that she
Dare not for shame thereof shriven be,
Or any woman, be she young or old,
That hath made her husband cuckold:
Such folk shall have no power nor no grace
To offer to my relics in this place;
And whoso findeth herself out of such blame,
Come hither to me, on Christ's holy name.
And because ye
Shall unto me
Give credence at the full
Mine auctority
Now shall ye see
Lo, here the Pope's bull!

[Now shall the friar begin his sermon, and even at the same time the pardoner beginneth also to show and speak of his bulls and auctorities come from, Rome.

THE FRIAR.

"Date et dabitur vobis:"
Good devout people, this place of Scripture—

PARDONER.

Worshipful masters, ye shall understand—

FRIAR.

Is to you that have no literature—

PARDONER.

That Pope Leo the Tenth hath granted with his hand—

FRIAR.

Is to say in our English tongue—

PARDONER.

And by his bulls confirmed under lead—

FRIAR.

As depart your goods the poor folk among—

PARDONER.

To all manner people both quick and dead—

FRIAR.

And God shall then give unto you again—

PARDONER.

Ten thousand years and as many Lents of pardon—

FRIAR.

This is the gospel, so is written plain—

PARDONER.

When they are dead, their souls for to guardon—[172]

FRIAR.

Therefore give your alms in the largest wise—

PARDONER.

That will with their penny or alms deed—

FRIAR.

Keep not your goods: fye, fye, on covetise!

PARDONER.

Put to their hands to the good speed—

FRIAR.

That sin with God is most abhominable—

PARDONER.

Of the holy chapel of sweet Saint Leonard—

FRIAR.

And is eke the sin that is most damnable—

PARDONER.

Which late by fire was destroyed and marred—

FRIAR.

In Scripture eke but I say, sirs, how—

PARDONER.

Ay, by the mass, one cannot hear—

FRIAR.

What a babbling maketh yonder fellow!

PARDONER.

For the babbling of yonder foolish frere—

FRIAR.

In Scripture eke is there many a place—

PARDONER.

And also, masters, as I was about to tell—

FRIAR.

Which showeth that many a man so far-forth lacketh grace—

PARDONER.

Pope Julius the Sixth hath granted fair and well—

FRIAR.

That when to them God hath abundance sent—

PARDONER.

And doth twelve thousand years of pardon to them send—

FRIAR.

They would distribute none to the indigent—

PARDONER.

That ought to this holy chapel lend—

FRIAR.

Whereat God having great indignation—

PARDONER

Pope Boniface the Ninth also—

FRIAR.

Punished these men after a divers fashion—

PARDONER.

Pope Julius, Pope Innocent, with divers popes mo—

FRIAR.

As the gospel full nobly doth declare—

PARDONER.

Hath granted to the sustaining of the same—

FRIAR.

How dives Epulus reigning in welfare—

PARDONER.

Five thousand years of pardon to every of you by name—

FRIAR.

And on his board dishes delicate—

PARDONER.

And clean remission also of their sin—

FRIAR

Poor Lazarus came begging at his gate—

PARDONER.

As often times as you put in—

FRIAR.

Desiring some food his hunger to relieve—

PARDONER.

Any money into the Pardoner's coffer—

FRIAR.

But the rich man nothing would him give—

PARDONER.

Or any money up unto it offer—

FRIAR.

Not so much as a few crumbs of bread—

PARDONER.

Or he that offereth penny or groat—

FRIAR.

Wherefore poor Lazarus of famine straight was dead—

PARDONER.

Or he that giveth the Pardoner a new coat—

FRIAR

And angels his soul to heaven did carry—

PARDONER.

Or take of me other image or letter—

FRIAR.

But now the rich man, of the contrary—

PARDONER.

Whereby this poor chapel may fare the better—

FRIAR.

When he was dead, went to misery and pain.

PARDONER.

And (God wot) it is a full gracious deed—

FRIAR.

Wherefore evermore he shall remain—

PARDONER.

For which God shall quite you well your mede—

FRIAR.

In brenning fire, which shall never cease—

PARDONER.

Now help our poor chapel, if it be your will—

FRIAR.

But I say, thou Pardoner, I bid thee hold thy peace!—

PARDONER.

And I say, thou friar, hold thy tongue still!—

FRIAR.

What, standest thou there all the day smattering!—

PARDONER.

Marry, what standest thou there all the day clattering!—

FRIAR.

Marry, fellow, I come hither to preach the Word of God,
Which of no man may be forbode;
But heard with silence and good intent,
For why it teacheth them evident
The very way and path that shall them lead
Even to heaven's gates, as straight as any thread.
And he that letteth the Word of God of audience,
Standeth accursed in the great sentence;
And so art thou for interrupting me.

PARDONER.

Nay, thou art a cursed knave, and that shalt thou see;
And all such that to me make interruption,
The Pope sends them excommunication
By his bulls here ready to be read,
By bishops and his cardinals confirmed;
And eke if thou disturb me any thing,
Thou art also a traitor to the king.
For here hath he granted me under his broad seal,
That no man, if he love his heal,[173]
Should me disturb or let in any wise;
And if thou dost the king's commandment despise,
I shall make thee be set fast by the feet,
And, where thou saidst that thou art more meet
Among the people here for to preach,
Because thou dost them the very way teach,
How to come to heaven above:
Therein thou liest, and that shall I prove,
And by good reason I shall make thee bow,
And know that I am meeter than art thou.
For thou, when thou hast taught them once the way,
Thou carest not whether they come there, yea or nay;
But when that thou hast done altogether,
And taught them the way for to come hither,
Yet all that thou canst imagine
Is but to use virtue, and abstain fro sin.
And if they fall once, then thou canst no more:
Thou canst not give them a salve for their sore.
But these my letters be clean purgation,
Although never so many sins they have done.
But when thou hast taught them the way and all,
Yet, ere they come there, they may have many a fall
In the way, ere that they come thither
For why the way to heaven is very slidder.
But I will teach them after another rate,
For I shall bring them to heaven's gate,
And be their guides, and conduct all things,
And lead them thither by the purse-strings,
So that they shall not fall, though that they would.

FRIAR.

Hold thy peace, knave, thou art very bold:
Thou pratest, in faith, even like a Pardoner.

PARDONER.

Why despisest thou the Pope's minister?
Masters, here I curse him openly,
And therewith warn all this whole company
By the Pope's great auctority,
That ye leave him, and harken unto me;
For, till he be assoiled, his words take none effect,
For out of holy church he is now clean reject.

FRIAR.

My masters, he doth but jest and rave;
It forceth not for the words of a knave;
But to the Word of God do reverence,
And hear me forth with due audience.
Masters, I showed you ere while of alms-deed—

PARDONER.

Masters, this pardon which I showed you before—

FRIAR.

And how ye should give poor folk at their need—

PARDONER.

Is the greatest that ever was, sith God was bore—

FRIAR.

And if of your parts that thing once were done—

PARDONER.

For why without confession or contrition—

FRIAR.

Doubt not but God should give you retribution—

PARDONER.

By this shall ye have clean remission—

FRIAR.

But now further it ought to be declared—

PARDONER.

And forgiven of the sins seven—

FRIAR.

Who be these poor folk, that should have your reward—

PARDONER.

Come to this pardon, if ye will come to heaven—

FRIAR.

Who be those poor folk, of whom I speak and name?—

PARDONER.

Come to this pardon, if ye will be in bliss—

FRIAR.

Certes, we poor friars are the same—

PARDONER.

This is the pardon, which ye cannot miss—

FRIAR.

We friars daily take pain, I say—

PARDONER.

This is the pardon, which shall men's souls win—

FRIAR.

We friars daily do both fast and pray—

PARDONER.

This is the pardon, the ridder of your sin—

FRIAR.

We friars travail and labour every hour—

PARDONER.

This is the pardon that purchaseth all grace—

FRIAR.

We friars take pain for the love of our Saviour—

PARDONER.

This is a pardon for all manner of trespass—

FRIAR.

We friars also go on limitation[174]—

PARDONER.

This is the pardon, of which all mercy doth spring—

FRIAR.

For to preach to every Christian nation—

PARDONER.

This is the pardon, that to heaven shall ye bring—

FRIAR.

But I say, thou Pardoner, thou wilt keep silence soon!—

PARDONER.

Yea, it is like to be, when I have done!—

FRIAR.

Marry, therefore the more knave art thou, I say,
That perturbest the Word of God, I say;
For neither thyself wilt hear God's doctrine,
Ne suffer other their ears to incline,
Wherefore our Saviour, in His holy Scripture,
Giveth thee thy judgment, thou cursed creature,
Speaking to thee after this manner:
"Maledictus qui audit verbum Dei negligenter"—
Woe be that man, saith our Lord, that giveth no audience,
Or heareth the Word of God with negligence.

PARDONER.

Now thou hast spoken all, sir daw,
I care not for thee an old straw;
I had liever thou were hanged up with a rope,
Than I, that am come from the Pope,
And thereby God's minister, while thou standest and prate,
Should be fain to knock without the gate.
Therefore preach hardly thy bellyful,
But I nevertheless will declare the Pope's bull.

FRIAR.

Now, my friends, I have afore showed ye—

PARDONER.

Now, my masters, as I have afore declared—

FRIAR.

That good it is to give your charity—

PARDONER.

That pardoners from you may not be spared—

FRIAR.

And further I have at length to you told—

PARDONER.

Now hereafter shall follow and ensue—

FRIAR.

Who be these people that ye receive should—

PARDONER.

That followeth of pardons the great virtue—

FRIAR.

That is to say us friars poor—

PARDONER.

We pardoners for your souls be as necessary—

FRIAR.

That for our living must beg fro door to door—

PARDONER.

As is the meat for our bodies hungry—

FRIAR.

For of our own proper we have no proper thing—

PARDONER.

For pardons is the thing that bringeth men to heaven—

FRIAR.

But that we get of devout people's giving—

PARDONER.

Pardons delivereth them fro the sins seven—

FRIAR.

And in our place be friars three score and three—

PARDONER.

Pardons for every crime may dispense—

FRIAR.

Which only live on men's charity—

PARDONER.

Pardon purchaseth grace for all offence—

FRIAR.

For we friars wilful charity profess—

PARDONER.

Yea, though ye had slain both father and mother—

FRIAR.

We may have no money nother more nor less—

PARDONER.

And this pardon is chief above all other—

FRIAR.

For worldly treasure we may nought care—

PARDONER.

For who to it offereth groat or penny—

FRIAR.

Our souls must be rich and our bodies bare—

PARDONER.

Though sins he had done never so many—

FRIAR.

And one thing I had almost left behind—

PARDONER.

And though that he had all his kindred slain—

FRIAR.

Which before came not to my mind—

PARDONER.

This pardon shall rid them from everlasting pain—

FRIAR.

And doubtless, it is none other thing—

PARDONER.

There is no sin so abhominable—

FRIAR.

But when ye will give your alms and offering—

PARDONER.

Which to remit this pardon is not able—

FRIAR.

Look that ye distribute it wisely—

PARDONER.

As well declareth the sentence of this letter—

FRIAR.

Not to every man that for it will cry—

PARDONER.

Ye cannot, therefore, bestow your money better—

FRIAR.

For if ye give your alms in that wise—

PARDONER.

Let us not here stand idle all the day—

FRIAR.

It shall not both to them and us suffice—

PARDONER.

Give us some money, ere that we go our way—

FRIAR.

But I say, thou lewd fellow thou,
Haddest none other time to show thy bulls but now?
Canst not tarry and abide till soon,
And read them then, when preaching is done?

PARDONER.

I will read them now, what sayest thou thereto?
Hast thou anything therewith to do?
Thinkest that I will stand and tarry for thy leisure?
Am I bound to do so much for thy pleasure?

FRIAR.

For my pleasure? nay I would thou knowest it well:
It becometh the knave never a deal
To prate thus boldly in my presence,
And let the Word of God of audience.

PARDONER

Let the Word of God, quod a? nay let a whoreson drivel
Prate here all day, with a foul evil,
And all thy sermon goeth on covetise,
And biddest men beware of avarice;
And yet in thy sermon dost thou none other thing,
But for alms stand all the day begging!

FRIAR.

Leave thy railing, I would thee advise—

PARDONER.

Nay, leave thou thy babbling, if thou be wise—

FRIAR.

I would thou knowest it, knave, I will not leave a whit—

PARDONER.

No more will I, I do thee well to wit—

FRIAR.

It is not thou shall make me hold my peace—

PARDONER.

Then speak on hardly, if thou thinkest it for thy ease—

FRIAR.

For I will speak, whither thou wilt or no—

PARDONER.

In faith, I care not, for I will speak also—

FRIAR.

Wherefore hardly let us both go to—

PARDONER.

See which shall be better heard of us two—

FRIAR.

What, should ye give ought to parting pardoners—

PARDONER.

What, should ye spend on these flattering liars—

FRIAR.

What, should ye give ought to these bold beggars—

PARDONER.

As be these babbling monks and these friars—

FRIAR.

Let them hardly labour for their living—

PARDONER.

Which do nought daily but babble and lie—

FRIAR.

It much hurteth them good men's giving—

PARDONER.

And tell you fables dear enough at a fly—

FRIAR.

For that maketh them idle and slothful to wark—

PARDONER.

As doth this babbling friar here to-day—

FRIAR.

That for none other thing they will cark—

PARDONER.

Drive him hence, therefore, in the twenty-devil way!

FRIAR.

Hardly they would go both to plough and cart—

PARDONER.

On us pardoners hardly do your cost—

FRIAR.

And if of necessity once they felt the smart—

PARDONER.

For why your money never can be lost—

FRIAR.

But we friars be not in like estate—

PARDONER.

For why there is in our fraternity—

FRIAR.

For our hands with such things we may not maculate—

PARDONER.

For all brethren and sistren that thereof be—

FRIAR.

We friars be not in like condition—

PARDONER.

Devoutly song every year—

FRIAR.

We may have no prebends ne exhibition—

PARDONER.

As he shall know well that cometh there—

FRIAR.

Of all temporal service are we forbode—

PARDONER.

At every of the five solemn feasts—

FRIAR.

And only bound to the service of God—

PARDONER.

A mass and dirge to pray for the good rest—

FRIAR.

And therewith to pray for every Christian nation—

PARDONER.

Of the souls of the brethren and sistren all—

FRIAR.

That God witsafe to save them fro damnation—

PARDONER.

Of our fraternity in general—

FRIAR.

But some of you so hard be of heart—

PARDONER.

With a hearse there standing well arrayed and dight—

FRIAR.

Ye cannot weep, though ye full sore smart—

PARDONER.

And torches and tapers about it brenning bright—

FRIAR.

Wherefore some man must ye hire needs—

PARDONER.

And with the bells eke solemnly ringing—

FRIAR.

Which must intreat God for your misdeeds—

PARDONER.

And priests and clerks devoutly singing—

FRIAR.

Ye can hire no better, in mine opinion—

PARDONER.

And furthermore, every night in the year—

FRIAR.

Than us God's servants, men of religion—

PARDONER.

Twelve poor people are received there—

FRIAR.

And specially God heareth us poor friars—

PARDONER.

And there have both harborow and food—

FRIAR.

And is attentive unto our desires—

PARDONER.

That for them is convenient and good—

FRIAR.

For the more of religion the more heard of our Lord—

PARDONER.

And furthermore, if there be any other—

FRIAR.

And that it so should, good reason doth accord—

PARDONER.

That of our fraternity be sister or brother—

FRIAR.

Therefore, doubt not, masters, I am even he—

PARDONER.

Which hereafter happen to fall in decay—

FRIAR.

To whom ye should part with your charity—

PARDONER.

And if ye then chance to come that way—

FRIAR.

We friars be they that should your alms take—

PARDONER.

Nigh unto our foresaid holy place—

FRIAR.

Which for your soul's health do both watch and wake—

PARDONER.

Ye shall there tarry for a month's space—

FRIAR.

We friars pray, God wot, when ye do sleep—

PARDONER.

And be there found of the place's cost—[175]

FRIAR.

We for your sins do both sob and weep—

PARDONER.

Wherefore now, in the name of the Holy Ghost—

FRIAR.

To pray to God for mercy and for grace—

PARDONER.

I advise you all, that now here be—

FRIAR.

And thus do we daily with all our whole place—

PARDONER.

For to be of our fraternity—

FRIAR.

Wherefore distribute of your temporal wealth—

PARDONER.

Fie on covetise! stick not for a penny:—

FRIAR.

By which ye may preserve your souls' health—

PARDONER.

For which ye may have benefits so many—

FRIAR.

I say, wilt thou not yet stint thy clap?
Pull me down the Pardoner with an evil hap!

PARDONER.

Master Friar, I hold it best
To keep your tongue, while ye be in rest—

FRIAR.

I say, one pull the knave off his stool!

PARDONER.

Nay, one pull the friar down like a fool!

FRIAR.

Leave thy railing and babbling of friars,
Or, by Jis, I'sh lug thee by the sweet ears![176]

PARDONER.

By God, I would thou durst presume to it!—

FRIAR.

By God, a little thing might make me to do it—

PARDONER.

And I shrew thy heart, and thou spare—

FRIAR.

By God, I will not miss thee much, thou slouch;
And if thou play me such another touch,
I'sh knock thee on the costard, I would thou it knew—

PARDONER.

"Marry that I would see, quod blind Hew." [177]

FRIAR.

Well, I will begin, and then let me see,
Whether thou darest again interrupt me,
And what thou would once to it say—

PARDONER.

Begin and prove, whether I will, yea or nay—

FRIAR.

And to go forth, whereas I left right now—

PARDONER.

Because some percase will think amiss of me—

FRIAR.

Our Lord in the gospel showeth the way how—

PARDONER.

Ye shall now hear the Pope's authority.

FRIAR.

By Gog's soul, knave, I suffer thee no lenger—

PARDONER.

I say some good body lend me his hanger,
And I shall him teach by God Almighty,
How he shall another time learn for to fight!
I shall make that bald crown of his to look red;
I shall leave him but one ear on his head!

FRIAR.

But I shall leave thee never an ear, ere I go:

PARDONER.

Yea, whoreson friar, wilt thou soe—

[Then they fight.

FRIAR.

Loose thy hands away from mine ears—

PARDONER.

Then take thou thy hands away from my hairs;
Nay, abide, thou whoreson, I am not down yet;
I trust first to lay thee at my feet.

FRIAR.

Yea, whoreson, wilt thou scrat and bite?

PARDONER.

Yea, marry, will I, as long as thou dost smite.—

[Enter the Curate.

PARSON (OR CURATE).

Hold your hands, a vengeance on ye both two,
That ever ye came hither to make this a-do!
To pollute my church, a mischief on you light!
I swear to you, by God Almight,
Ye shall both repent, every vein of your heart,
As sore as ye did ever thing, ere ye depart.

FRIAR.

Master Parson, I marvel ye will give licence
To this false knave in this audience,
To publish his ragman-rolls[178] with lies
I desired him, i-wis, more than once or twice
To hold his peace, till that I had done;
But he would hear no more than the man in the moon—

PARDONER.

Why should I suffer thee more than thou me?
Master Parson gave me licence before thee;
And I would thou knowest it, I have relics here
Other manner stuff than thou dost bear.
I will edify more with the sight of it,
Than will all the prating of holy writ;
For that except that the preacher himself live well,
His predication will help never a dell,
And I know well that thy living is nought:
Thou art an apostate, if it were well sought.
An homicide thou art, I know well enough,
For myself knew where that thou slough
A wench with thy dagger in a couch:
And yet, as thou say'st in thy sermon, that no man shall touch.

PARSON.

No more of this wrangling in my church!
I shrew your hearts both for this lurch:
Is there any blood shed here between these knaves?
Thanked be God they had no staves
Nor edge-tools;[179] for then it had been wrong.
Well, ye shall sing another song!
Neighbour Prat, come hither, I you pray—

PRAT.

Why, what is this nice fray?

PARSON.

I cannot tell you; one knave disdains another;
Wherefore take ye the one, and I shall take the other.
We shall bestow them there as is most convenient;
For such a couple, I trow, they shall repent
That ever they met in this church here.
Neighbour, ye be constable; stand ye near,
Take ye that lay knave, and let me alone
With this gentleman; by God and by Saint John,
I shall borrow upon priesthood somewhat;
For I may say to thee, neighbour Prat,
It is a good deed to punish such, to the ensample
Of such other, how that they shall mell
In like fashion, as these caitiffs do.

PRAT.

In good faith, Master Parson, if ye do so,
Ye do but well to teach them to beware.

PARDONER.

Master Prat, I pray ye me to spare;
For I am sorry for that that is done;
Wherefore I pray ye forgive me soon,
For that I have offended within your liberty;
And by my troth, sir, ye may trust me
I will never come hither more,
While I live, and God before.

PRAT.

Nay, I am once charged with thee,
Wherefore, by Saint John, thou shalt not escape me,
Till thou hast scoured a pair of stocks.

PARSON.

Tut, he weeneth all is but mocks!
Lay hand on him; and come ye on, sir friar,
Ye shall of me hardly have your hire;
Ye had none such this seven year,
I swear by God and by our lady dear.

PARDONER.

Nay, Master Parson, for God's passion,
Intreat[180] not me after that fashion;
For, if ye do, it will not be for your honesty.

PARSON.

Honesty or not, but thou shall see,
What I shall do by and by:
Make no struggling, come forth soberly:
For it shall not avail thee, I say.

FRIAR.

Marry, that shall we try even straightway.
I defy the churl priest, and there be no more than thou.
I will not go with thee, I make God a vow.
We shall see first which is the stronger:
God hath sent me bones; I do thee not fear.

PARSON.

Yea, by thy faith, wilt thou be there?
Neighbour Prat, bring forth that knave,
And thou, sir friar, if thou wilt algates[181] rave.

FRIAR.

Nay, churl, I thee defy!
I shall trouble thee first;
Thou shalt go to prison by and by;
Let me see, now do thy worst!

[Prat with the Pardoner and the Parson with the Friar.

PARSON.

Help, help, neighbour Prat, neighbour Prat,
In the worship of God, help me somewhat!

PRAT.

Nay, deal as thou canst with that elf,
For why I have enough to do myself.
Alas! for pain I am almost dead;
The red blood so runneth down about my head.
Nay, and thou canst, I pray thee help me.

PARSON.

Nay, by the mass, fellow, it will not be;
I have more tow on my distaff than I can well spin;
The cursed Friar doth the upper hand win.

FRIAR.

Will ye leave then, and let us in peace depart?

PARSON AND PRAT.

Yea, by our lady, even with all our heart.

FRIAR AND PARDONER.

Then adieu to the devil, till we come again.

PARSON AND PRAT.

And a mischief go with you both twain![182]