ACTUS SECUNDUS, SCAENA PRIMA.
APPETITUS, a long, lean, raw-boned fellow, in a soldier's coat, a sword, &c.
MENDACIO, APPETITUS.
MEN. I long to see those hotspur Senses at it: they say they have gallant preparations, and not unlikely, for most of the soldiers are ready in arms, since the last field fought against their yearly enemy Meleager[201] and his wife Acrasia; that conquest hath so fleshed them, that no peace can hold them. But had not Meleager been sick, and Acrasia drunk, the Senses might have whistled for the victory.
APP. Foh, what a stink of gunpowder is yonder!
MEN. Who's this? O, O, 'tis Appetitus, Gustus's hungry parasite. [Aside.]
APP. I cannot endure the smoking of guns, the thundering of drums: I had rather hear the merry hacking of pot-herbs, and see the reeking of a hot capon. If they would use no other bucklers in war but shields of brawn, brandish no swords but sweards of bacon,[202] trail no spears but spare-ribs of pork, and instead of arquebuss pieces discharge artichoke-pies: toss no pikes but boiled pickrels, then Appetitus would rouse up his crest, and bear up himself with the proudest.
MEN. Ah! here's a youth stark naught at a trench, but an old dog at a trencher, a tall squire at a square table. [Aside.]
APP. But now my good masters must pardon me; I am not one for their service, for their service is without service, and indeed their service is too hot for my diet. But what, if I be not myself, but only this be my spirit that wanders up and down, and Appetitus be killed in the camp? the devil he is as soon. How's that possible? tut, tut, I know I am. I am Appetitus, and alive, too—by this infallible token, that I feel myself hungry.
MEN. Thou mightest have taken a better token of thyself, by knowing thou art a fool. [Aside.]
APP. Well, then, though I made my fellow-soldiers admire the beauty of my back, and wonder at the nimbleness of my heels, yet now will I, at safety at home, tell in what dangers they are in abroad. I'll speak nothing but guns and glaves,[203] and staves and phalanges,[204] and squadrons and barricadoes, ambuscadoes, palmedoes, blank-point, demi-point,[205] counterpoint, counterscarp, sallies and lies, saladoes, tarantantaras, ranta, tara, tara, hey.
MEN. I must take the fife out of his mouth, or he'll ne'er ha' done. [Aside.]
APP. But, above all, I'll be sure on my knees to thank the great—
[MENDACIO blinds him.
MEN. Who am I, who am I, who I?
APP. By the blood-stained falchion of Mavors,[206] I am on your side.
MEN. Why, who am I?
APP. Are you a soldier?
MEN. No.
APP. Then you are Master Helluo the bearward.
MEN. No, no; he's dead.
APP. Or Gulono the gutty serjeant, or Delphino the vintner, or else I know you not; for these are all my acquaintance.
MEN. Would I were hanged, if I be any of these!
APP. What, Mendacio! By the faith of a knight, thou art welcome; I must borrow thy whetstone, to sharpen the edges of my martial compliments.
MEN. By the faith of a knight! What a pox, where are thy spurs?[207]
APP. I need no spurs; I ride, like Pegasus, on a winged horse—on a swift jennet, my boy, called Fear.
MEN. What shouldst thou fear in the wars? He's not a good soldier that hath not a good stomach.
APP. O, but the stink of powder spoils Appetitus's stomach, and then thou knowest, when 'tis gone, Appetitus is dead; therefore I very manfully drew my sword, and flourished it bravely about mine ears, hist![208] and finding myself hurt, most manfully ran away.
MEN. All heart indeed, for thou rann'st like a hart out of the field. It seems, then, the Senses mean to fight it out.
APP. Ay, and outfight themselves, I think; and all about a trifle, a paltry bauble found, I know not where.
MEN. Thou art deceived: they fight for more than that; a thing called superiority, of which the crown is but an emblem.
APP. Mendacio, hang this superiority; crown me no crown, but Bacchus's crown of roses; give me no sceptre but a fat capon's leg, to show that I am the great king of Hungary! Therefore, I prythee, talk no more of state-matters: but in brief, tell me, my little rascal, how thou hast spent thy time this many a day.
MEN. Faith, in some credit, since thou sawest me last.
APP. How so? where?
MEN. Everywhere. In the court your gentlewomen hang me at their apron-strings, and that makes them answer so readily. In the city I am honoured like a god; none so well acquainted with your tradesmen. Your lawyers, all the termtime, hire me of my lady; your gallants, if they hear my name abused, they stab for my sake; your travellers so doat upon me as passes.[209] O, they have good reason; for I have carried them to many a good meal under the countenance of my familiarity. Nay, your statesmen have oftentimes closely conveyed me under their tongues, to make their policies more current. As for old men, they challenge my company by authority.
APP. I am exceeding glad of your great promotion.
MEN. Now, when I am disposed, I can philosophy it in the university with the subtlest of them all.
APP. I cannot be persuaded that thou art acquainted with scholars, ever since thou wert pressed to death in a printing-house.
MEN. No? why, I was the first founder of the three sects of philosophy, except one of the Peripatetics, who acknowledge Aristotle, I confess, their great grandfather.
APP. Thou boy! how is this possible? Thou art but a child, and there were sects of philosophy, before thou wert born.
MEN. Appetitus, thou mistakest me. I tell thee, three thousand years ago was Mendacio born in Greece,[210] nursed in Crete, and ever since honoured everywhere. I'll be sworn I held old Homer's pen, when he writ his Iliads and his Odysseys.
APP. Thou hadst need, for I hear say he was blind.
MEN. I helped Herodotus to pen some part of his "Muses";[211] lent Pliny ink to write his history; rounded Rabelais in the ear,[212] when he historified Pantagruel: as for Lucian, I was his genius. O, those two books "De Vera Historia," howsoever they go under his name, I'll be sworn I writ them every tittle.
APP. Sure as I am hungry, thou'st have it for lying. But hast thou rusted this latter time for want of exercise?
MEN. Nothing less. I must confess I would fain have jogged Stow and great Hollingshed on their elbows, when they were about their chronicles; and, as I remember, Sir John Mandeville's "Travels" and a great part of the "Decads"[213] were of my doing. But for the "Mirror of Knighthood," "Bevis of Southampton," "Palmerin of England," "Amadis of Gaul," "Huon de Bordeaux," "Sir Guy of Warwick," "Martin Marprelate," "Robin Hood," "Garragantua," "Gerileon," and a thousand such exquisite monuments as these, no doubt but they breathe in my breath up and down.
APP. Downwards, I'll swear, for there's stinking lies in them.
MEN. But what, should I light a candle to the bright sunshine of my glorious renown? The whole world is full of Mendacio's fame.
APP. And so it will be so long as the world is full of fame.
MEN. But, sirrah, how hast thou done this long time?
APP. In as much request as thyself. To begin with the court, as thou didst: I lie with the ladies all night, and that's the reason they call for cullies and gruellies so early before their prayers. Your gallants never sup, breakfast, or bever[214] without me.
MEN. That's false, for I have seen them eat with a full stomach.
APP. True, but because they know a little thing drives me from them, therefore in midst of meat they present me with some sharp sauce or a dish of delicate anchovies, or a caviare,[215] to entice me back again. Nay, more: your old sires, that hardly go without a prop, will walk a mile or two every day to renew their acquaintance with me. As for the academy, it is beholding to me for adding the eighth province unto the noble Heptarchy of the liberal sciences.[216]
MEN. What's that, I prythee?
APP. The most desired and honourable art of cookery. Now, sirrah, in the city I am———'st, 'st! O, the body of a louse!
MEN. What, art a louse in the city?
APP. Not a word more; for yonder comes Phantastes and somebody else.
MEN. What a pox can Phantastes do?
APP. Work a miracle, if he would prove wise.
MEN. 'Tis he indeed, the vilest nup.[217] Yet the fool loves me exceedingly; but I care not for his company, for if he once catch me, I shall never be rid of him.
[Exeunt APPETITUS and MENDACIO.
SCAENA SECUNDA.
PHANTASTES, a swart-complexioned fellow, but quick-eyed, in a white satin doublet of one fashion, green velvet hose of another, a fantastical hat with a plume of feathers of several colours, a little short taffeta cloak, a pair of buskins cut, drawn out with sundry-coloured ribbands, with scarfs hung about him after all fashions and of all colours, rings, jewels, a fan, and in every place other odd complements.[218] HEURESIS, a nimble-sprited page in the newest fashion, with a garland of bays, &c.
PHANTASTES, HEURESIS.
PHA. Sirrah boy! Heuresis! boy! how now, biting your nails?
HEU. Three things have troubled my brain this many a day, and just now, when I was laying hold on the invention of them, your sudden call made them, like Tantalus's apples, fly from my fingers.
PHA. Some great matters, questionless; what were they?
HEU. The quadrature of a circle, the philosopher's stone, and the next way to the Indies.
PHA. Thou dost well to meditate on these three things at once, for they'll be found out altogether—ad Graecas Calendas; but let them pass, and carry the conceit I told you this morning to the party you wot of. In my imagination 'tis capricious; 'twill take, I warrant thee.
HEU. I will, sir. But what say you to the gentleman that was with you yesterday?
PHA. O, I think thou meanest him that made nineteen sonnets of his mistress's busk-point.[219]
HEU. The same, the same, sir. You promised to help him out with the twentieth.
PHA. By Jupiter's cloven pate, 'tis true. But we witty fellows are so forgetful; but stay, Heu, Heu,[220] carry him this.
The Gordian knot, which Alexander great
Did whilom, cut with his all-conquering sword,
Was nothing like thy busk-point, pretty peat,[221]
Nor could so fair an augury afford.
Then to conclude, let him pervert Catullas's Zonam solvit diu ligatum thus, thus—
Which if I chance to cut, or else untie,
Thy little world I'll conquer presently.
'Tis pretty, pretty, tell him 'twas extemporal.
HEU. Well, sir, but now for Master Inamorato's love-letter.
PHA. Some nettling stuff, i'faith; let him write thus: Most heart-commanding-faced gentlewoman, even as the stone in India, called Basaliscus, hurts all that looks on it, and as the serpent in Arabia, called Smaragdus, delighteth the sight, so does thy celestial orb-assimilating eyes both please, and in pleasing wound my love-darted heart.
HEU. But what trick shall I invent for the conclusion?
PHA. Pish, anything, love will minister ink for the rest. He that [hath] once begun well, hath half done; let him begin again, and there's all.
HEU. Master Gullio spoke for a new fashion; what for him?
PHA. A fashion for his suit! Let him button it down the sleeve with four elbows, and so make it the pure hieroglyphic of a fool.
HEU. Nay, then let me request one thing of you.
PHA. What's that, boy? By this fair hand, thou shalt have it.
HEU. Mistress Superbia, a gentlewoman of my acquaintance, wished me to devise her a new set for her ruff and an odd tire. I pray, sir, help me out with it.
PHA. Ah, boy, in my conceit 'tis a hard matter to perform. These women have well-nigh tired me with devising tires for them, and set me at a nonplus for new sets. Their heads are so light, and their eyes so coy, that I know not how to please them.
HEU. I pray, sir, she hath a bad face, and fain would have suitors. Fantastical and odd apparel would perchance draw somebody to look on her.
PHA. If her face be nought, in my opinion, the more view it the worse. Bid her wear the multitude of her deformities under a mask, till my leisure will serve to devise some durable and unstained blush of painting.
HEU. Very good, sir.
PHA. Away, then, hie thee again; meet me at the court within this hour at the farthest. [Exit HEURESIS.] O heavens! how have I been troubled these latter times with women, fools, babes, tailors, poets, swaggerers, gulls, ballad-makers! They have almost disrobed me of all the toys and trifles I can devise. Were it not that I pity the multitude of printers, these sonnet-mongers should starve for conceits for all Phantastes. But these puling lovers—I cannot but laugh at them, and their encomiums of their mistresses. They make, forsooth, her hair of gold, her eyes of diamond, her cheeks of roses, her lips of rubies, her teeth of pearl, and her whole body of ivory; and when they have thus idoled her like Pygmalion, they fall down and worship her.[222] Psyche, thou hast laid a hard task upon my shoulders to invent at every one's ask. Were it not that I refresh my dulness once a day with thy most angelical presence, 'twere impossible for me to undergo it.
SCAENA TERTIA.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, a grave man, in a black velvet cassock like a councillor, speaks coming out of the door.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, PHANTASTES.
COM. SEN. I cannot stay, I tell you. 'Tis more than time I were at court. I know my sovereign Psyche hath expected me this hour.
PHA. In good time; yonder comes Common Sense. I imagine it should be he by his voice.
COM. SEN. Crave my counsel! Tell me what manner of man he is? Can he entertain a man in his house? Can he hold his velvet cap in one hand, and vail[223] his bonnet with the other? Knows he how to become a scarlet gown? Hath he a pair of fresh posts at his door?[224]
PHA. He's about some hasty state matters. He talks of posts, methinks.
COM. SEN. Can he part a couple of dogs brawling in the street? Why, then, choose him mayor. Upon my credit, he'll prove a wise officer.
PHA. Save you, my lord; I have attended your leisure this hour.
COM. SEN. Fie upon't! What a toil have I had to choose them a mayor yonder? There's a fusty currier will have this man; there's a chandler wipes his nose on his sleeve, and swears it shall not be so; there's a mustard-maker looks as keen as vinegar will have another. O, this many-headed multitude, 'tis a hard matter to please them!
PHA. Especially where the multitude is so well-headed. But I pray you, where's Master Memory? Hath he forgotten himself, that he is not here?
COM. SEN. 'Tis high time he were at court. I would he would come.