ACTUS TERTIUS, SCAENA PRIMA.
ANAMNESTES, with a purse in his hand.
ANA. Forsooth, Oblivio, shut the door upon me; I could come no sooner: ha! is he not here? O excellent! would I were hanged, but I looked for a sound rap on the pate, and that made me beforehand to lift up this excuse for a buckler. I know he's not at court, for here is his purse, without which warrant there's no coming thither; wherefore now, Anamnestes, sport thyself a little, while thou art out of the prison of his company. What shall I do? by my troth, anatomise his purse in his absence. Plutus send there be jewels in it, that I may finely geld it of the stones—the best, sure, lies in the bottom; pox on't, here's nothing but a company of worm-eaten papers: what's this? Memorandum that Master Prodigo owes me four thousand pounds, and that his lands are in pawn for it. Memorandum that I owe. That he owes? 'Tis well the old slave hath some care of his credit; to whom owes he, trow I? that I owe Anamnestes; what, me? I never lent him anything; ha, this is good, there's something coming to me more than I looked for. Come on; what is't? Memorandum that I owe Anamnestes———a breeching;[239] i'faith, sir, I will ease you of that payment. [He rends the bill.] Memorandum that, when I was a child, Robusto tripped up my heels at football: what a revengeful dizard[240] is this?
SCAENA SECUNDA.
MENDACIO, with cushions under his arms, trips up ANAMNESTES' heels.
MENDACIO, ANAMNESTES.
ANA. How now?
MEN. Nothing, but lay you upon the cushion, sir, or so.
ANA. Nothing, but lay the cushion upon you, sir.
MEN, What, my little Nam? By this foot, I am sorry I mistook thee.
ANA. What, my little Men? By this hand, it grieves me I took thee so right. But, sirrah, whither with these cushions?
MEN. To lay them here, that the judges may sit softly, lest my Lady
Lingua's cause go hard with her.
ANA. They should have been wrought with gold; these will do nothing. But what makes my lady with the judges?
MEN. Pish! know'st not? She sueth for the title of a Sense, as well as the rest that bear the name of the Pentarchy.
ANA. Will Common Sense and my master leave their affairs to determine that controversy?
MEN. Then thou hear'st nothing.
ANA. What should I hear?
MEN. All the Senses fell out about a crown fallen from heaven, and pitched a field for it; but Vicegerent Common Sense, hearing of it, took upon him to umpire the contention, in which regard he hath appointed them (their arms dismissed) to appear before him, charging every one to bring, as it were in a show, their proper objects, that by them he may determine of their several excellencies.
ANA. When is all this?
MEN. As soon as they can possibly provide.
ANA. But can he tell which deserves best by their objects?
MEN. No, not only; for every Sense must describe his instrument, that is, his house, where he performs his daily duty, so that by the object and the instrument my lord can with great ease discern their place and dignities.
ANA. His lordship's very wise.
MEN. Thou shalt hear all anon. Fine Master Phantastes and thy master will be here shortly. But how is't, my little rogue? methinks thou look'st lean upon't!
ANA. Alas! how should I do otherwise, that lie all night with such a raw-boned skeleton as Memory, and run all day on his errands? The churl's grown so old and forgetful, that every hour he's calling, Anamnestes, Remembrance; where art, Anamnestes? Then presently something's lost. Poor I must run for it, and these words, Run, boy; come, sirrah, quick, quick, quick! are as familiar with him as the cough, never out on's mouth.
MEN. Alack, alack! poor rogue, I see my fortunes are better. My lady loves me exceedingly; she's always kissing me, so that I tell thee, Nam, Mendacio's never from betwixt her lips.
ANA. Nor I out of Memory's mouth,[241] but in a worse sort, always exercising my stumps, and, which is more, when he favours best, then I am in the worst taking.
MEN. How so?
ANA. Thus: when we are friends, then must I come and be dandled upon his palsy-quaking knees, and he'll tell me a long story of his acquaintance with King Priamus and his familiarity with Nestor, and how he played at blowpoint[242] with Jupiter, when he was in his sidecoats, and how he went to look bird-nests with Athous,[243] and where he was at Deucalion's flood, and twenty such old wives' tales.
MEN. I wonder he, being so old, can talk so much.
ANA. Nature, thou know'st, knowing what an unruly engine the tongue is, hath set teeth round about for watchmen. Now, sir, my master's old age hath coughed out all his teeth, and that's the cause it runs so much at liberty.
MEN. Philosophical!
ANA. O, but there's one thing stings me to the very heart—to see an ugly, foul, idle, fat, dusty cloghead, called Oblivio, preferred before me. Dost know him?
MEN. Who, I? Ay, but care not for his acquaintance. Hang him, blockhead! I could never abide him. Thou, Remembrance, are the only friend that the arms of my friendship shall embrace. Thou hast heard Oportet mendacem esse memorem. But what of Oblivio?
ANA. The very naming of him hath made me forget myself. O, O, O, O, that rascal is so made of everywhere!
MEN. Who, Oblivio?
ANA. Ay, for our courtiers hug him continually in their ungrateful bosoms, and your smooth-bellied,[244] fat-backed, barrel-paunched, tun-gutted drones are never without him. As for Memory, he's a false-hearted fellow; he always deceives them; they respect not him, except it be to play a game at chests,[245] primero,[246] saunt,[247] maw,[248] or such like.
MEN. I cannot think such fellows have to do with Oblivio, since they never got anything to forget.
ANA. Again, these prodigal swaggerers that are so much bound to their creditors, if they have but one cross about them, they'll spend it in wine upon Oblivio.
MEN. To what purpose, I prythee?
ANA. Only in hope he'll wash them in the Lethe of their cares.
MEN. Why, then, no man cares for thee.
ANA. Yes, a company of studious paperworms and lean scholars, and niggarly scraping usurers, and a troop of heart-eating, envious persons, and those canker-stomached, spiteful creatures that furnish up commonplace books with other men's faults. The time hath been, in those golden days when Saturn reigned, that, if a man received a benefit of another, I was presently sent for to put him in mind of it; but now, in these iron afternoons, save your friend's life, and Oblivio will be more familiar with him than you.
SCAENA TERTIA.
HEURESIS, MENDACIO, ANAMNESTES.
HEU. Phantastes not at court? Is't possible? 'Tis the strangest accident that ever was heard of. I had thought the ladies and gallants would never lie without him.
ANA. Hist, hist, Mendacio; I prythee observe Heuresis. It seems he cannot find his master, that's able to find out all things. And art thou now at a fault? Canst not find out thine own master?
HEU. I'll try one more way. O yes![249]
MEN. What a proclamation for him?
ANA. Ay, ay, his nimble head is always full of proclamations.
HEU. O yes!
MEN. But doth he cry him in the wood?
ANA. O good sir, and good reason, for every beast hath Phantasy at his pleasure.
HEU. O yes! If any man can tell any tidings of a spruce, neat, apish, nimble, fine, foolish, absurd, humorous, conceited, fantastic gallant, with hollow eyes, sharp look, swart complexion, meagre face, wearing as many toys in his apparel as fooleries in his looks and gesture, let him come forth and certify me thereof, and he shall have for his reward—
ANA. I can tell you where he is. What shall he have?
HEU. A box o' the ear, sirrah. [Snap.]
ANA. How now, Invention, are you so quick-fingered? I'faith, there's your principal, sirrah, [snap], and here's the interest ready in my hand [snap. They fall together by the ears.] Yea, have you found out scratching? Now I remember me—
HEU. Do you bite me, rascal?
MEN. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Here's the lively picture of this axiom, A quick invention and a good memory can never agree. Fie, fie, fie: Heuresis! beat him, when he's down?
ANA. Prythee, let's alone: proud jackanapes, I'll—
HEU. What will you do?
ANA. Untruss thy points, and whip thee, thou paltry ——. Let me go,
Mendacio, if thou lov'st me. Shall I put up the—
MEN. Come, come, come, you shall fight no more, in good faith. Heuresis, your master will catch you anon.
HEU. My master! where is he?
MEN. I'll bring you to him; come away.
HEU. Anamnestes, I scorn that thou shouldst think I go away for fear of anything thou canst do unto me. Here's my hand, as soon as thou canst pick the least occasion, put up thy finger, I am for thee.
ANA. When thou dar'st, Heuresis, when thou dar'st, I'll be as ready as thyself at any time. [Exeunt MENDACIO and HEURESIS.] This Heuresis, this Invention, is the proudest jackanapes, the pertest, self-conceited boy that ever breathed. Because, forsooth, some odd poet or some such fantastic fellows make much on him, there's no ho with him.[250] The vile dandi-prat will overlook the proudest of his acquaintance; but well I remember me, I learned a trick t'other day to bring a boy o'er the thigh finely. If he come, i'faith, I'll tickle him with it.
[MENDACIO comes running back in great haste.
MEN. As I am a rascal, Nam, they are all coming. I see Master Register trudging hither as fast as his three feet will carry up his four ages.
[Exit MENDACIO.