A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Volume 10

by Unknown

SCENE II.

Enter Laurentia, Marina, and Mathea.

Lau. Sit till dinner's done? not I, I swear:
Shall I stay, till he belch into mine ears
Those rustic phrases and those Dutch—French terms,
Stammering half-sentences, dogbolt eloquence?
And when he hath no love, forsooth, why then
He tells me cloth is dear at Antwerp, and the men
Of Amsterdam have lately made a law,
That none but Dutch, as he, may traffic there.
Then stands he still, and studies what to say;
And after some half-hour, because the ass
Hopes (as he thinks) I shall not contradict him,
He tells me, that my father brought him to me,
And that I must perform my father's will.
Well, good-man goose-cap, when thou woo'st again,
Thou shalt have simple ease for thy love's pain.

Math. Alas! poor wench, I sorrow for thy hap,
To see how thou art clogg'd with such a dunce.
Forsooth, my sire hath fitted me far better:
My Frenchman comes upon me with the Sa, sa, sa:
Sweet madame, pardonnez moi, I pray:
And then out goes his hand, down goes his head,
Swallows his spittle, frizzles his beard, and then to me:
"Pardonnez moi, mistress Mathea,
If I be bold to mack so bold met you,
Think it go will dat spur me dus up you:
Dan cast neit off so good and true lover,
Madame Celestura de la (I know not what)
Do oft pray to God dat me would love her:"
And then he reckons a catalogue of names,
Of such as love him, and yet cannot get him.

Mar. Nay, but your monsieur's but a mouse in cheese,
Compared with my signor. He can tell
Of lady Venus and her son blind Cupid;
Of the fair Scilla, that was lov'd of Glaucus[510]
And yet scorn'd Glaucus, and yet lov'd King Minos;
Yet Minos hated her, and yet she holp him.
And yet he scorn'd her; yet she kill'd her father
To do him good; yet he could not abide her.
Nay, he'll be bawdy, too, in his discourse,
And when he is so, he will take my hand.
And tickle the palm, wink with his one eye,
Gape with his mouth, and—

Lau. And, hold thy tongue, I prythee: here's my father.

Enter Pisaro, Alvaro, Vandal, Delion, Harvey. Walgrave, and Heigham.

Pis. Unmannerly, untaught, unnurtur'd girls!
Do I bring gentlemen, my very friends,
To feast with me, to revel at my house,
That their good likings may be set on you,
And you, like misbehav'd and sullen girls,
Turn tail to such as may advance your states I
I shall remember't, when you think I do not.
I am sorry, gentlemen, your cheer's no better;
But what did want at board, excuse me for,
And you shall have amends be made in bed.
To them, friends, to them; they are none but yours:
For you I bred them, for you brought them up,[511]
For you I kept them, and you shall have them:
I hate all others that resort to them.
Then rouse your bloods, be bold with what's your own,
For I and mine (my friends) be yours or none.

Enter Frisco and Anthony.

Fris. Gi' ye[512] good-morrow, sir. I have brought you monsieur Mouse here, to teach my young mistresses: I assure you (forsooth) he is a brave Frenchman.

Pis. Welcome, friend, welcome. My man (I think)
Hath at the full resolv'd thee of my will.
Monsieur Delion, I pray question him:
I tell you, sir, 'tis only for your sake
That I do mean to entertain this fellow.

Anth. A bots of all ill luck! how came these here?
Now am I pos'd, except the wenches help me:
I have no French to flap them in the mouth.

Har. To see the luck of a good fellow: poor Anthony
Could ne'er have sorted out a worser time.
Now will the pack of all our sly devices
Be quite laid ope, as one undoes an oyster,
Frank Heigham and mad Ned, fall to your meuses,[513]
To help poor Anthony now at a pinch,
Or all our market will be spoil'd and marr'd.

Wal. Tut, man, let us alone: I warrant you.

Del. Monsieur, vous estes tres bien-venu: de quelle pais estes vous?

Anth. Vous, that's you; sure he says, how do men call you. Monsieur la Mouche?

Mar. Sister, help, sister! that's honest Anthony,
And he answers your wooer cujus contrarium.

Del. Monsieur, vous n'entends pas: je nè demande point vostre nom.

Math. Monsieur Delion, he that made your shoes, made them not in fashion; they should have been cut square at the toe.

Del. Madame, my shoe met de square toe, vat be dat?

Pis. Why, sauce-box! how now, you unreverent minx!
Why, in whose stable hast thou been brought up,
To interrupt a man in midst of speech?
Monsieur Delion, disquiet not yourself,
But as you have begun, I pray proceed
To question with this countryman of yours.

Del. Dat me sal do tres bien, but de bella madonna, de jeune gentlewoman, do monstre somesing of amour to speak lot me, et pour ce, monsieur, mee sal say but two tree four five word to dis François: or sus, monsieur La Mouche, en quelle partíe de France etiez vous nè?

Har. Francis.[514]

Heigh. Ned.

Wal. What, let me come.
Master Pisaro, we have occasion of affairs,
Which calls us hence with speed; wherefore, I pray,
Defer this business till some fitter time,
And to perform what at the Exchange we spoke of.

Anth. A blessing on that tongue, saith Anthony.

[Aside.

Pis. Yes, marry, gentlemen, I will, I will.
Alvaro, to your task: fall to your task!
I'll bear away those three who, being here,
Would set my daughters on a merry pin:
Then cheerly try your lucks. But speak and speed;
For you alone, say I, shall do the deed.

[Exeunt Pisaro, Harvey, Walgrave, and
Heigham.

Fris. Hear you, master Mouse, did you dine to-day at Paul's with the rest of the gentlemen there?

Anth. No, sir, I am yet undined.

Fris. Methinks you should have a reasonable good stomach then by this time: as for me, I can feel[515] nothing within me from my mouth to my cod-piece, but all empty: wherefore I think it a piece of wisdom to go in and see what Maudlin hath provided for our dinner. Master Mouse, will you go in?

Anth. With as good a stomach and desire as yourself.

Fris. Let's pass in then.

[Exeunt Frisco and Anthony.

Van. Han seg you, dochtor, vor vat cause, vor why bed also much grooterly strange, ic seg you wat, if dat ghy speak to me, is dat ghy love me?

Lau. Is't that I care not for you? Is't that your breath stinks? If that your breath stinks not, you must learn sweeter English, or I shall never understand your suit.

Del. Pardonnez moi, madame.

Math. With all my heart, so you offend no more.

Del. Is dat an offence to be amorous de one belle gentlewoman?

Math. Ay, sir, see: your belle gentlewoman cannot be amorous of you.

Mar. Then if I were as that belle gentlewoman's lover, I would trouble her no further, nor be amorous any longer.

Alv. Madonna, yet de bellezza of de face, beauty, de form of all de corpo may be such, dat no periculo, nor all de mal shance, can make him leave her dolce visage.

Laur. But, signor Alvaro, if the periculo or mal-shance were such, that she should love and live with another, then the dolce visage must be left in spite of the lover's teeth, whilst he may whine at his own ill-fortune.

Van. Dat's war, maitresse, for it is untrue, saying, dey wint he taught dey verleift lie scrat sin gat.

Math. And I think, too, you are like to scratch there, but never to claw any of my sister's love away.

Van. Dan sal your sistre do gainst her vader's will, for your vader segt dat ic sal heb bar vor mine wife.

Laur. I think not so, sir, for I never heard him say so; but I'll go in and ask him if his meaning be so.

Mar. Hark, sister; signor Alvaro saith, that I am the fairest of all us three.

Laur. Believe him not, for he'll tell any lie,
If so he thinks thou may's be pleas'd thereby.
Come, go with me, and ne'er stand prating here,
I have a jest to tell thee in thine ear
Shall make you laugh. Come, let your signor stand:
I know there's not a wench in all this town
Scoffs at him more, or loves him less than thou.
Master Vandal, as much I say for you;
If needs you marry with an English lass,
Woo her in English, or she'll call you ass.

Math. Tut, that's a French cog; sure, I think,
There's ne'er a wench in France not half so fond
To woo and sue so for your monsieurship.

Del. Par ma foi, madame, she does tink dare is no wench so dure as you: for de fille was créé dolce, tendre, and amorous for me to love her. Now me tink dat I, being such a fine man, you should lova me.

Math. So think not I, sir.

Del. But so tink esh oder demoisella.

Math. Nay, I'll lay my love to your command,
That my sisters think not so. How say you, sister Mall?
Why how now, gentlemen, is this your talk?
What, beaten in plain field! Where be your maids?
Nay, then I see their loving humour fades,
And they resign their interest up to me;
And yet I cannot serve for all you three:
But lest two should be mad, that I love one,
You shall be all alike, and I'll love none.
The world is scant, when so many jackdaws
Hover about one corse with greedy paws.
If needs you'll have me, stay till I am dead;
Carrion for crows, Mathea for her Ned;
And so farewell. We sisters do agree
To have our wills, but ne'er to have you three. [Exeunt.

Del. Madame, attendez, madame—is she allé?
Do she mocque de vous in such sort?

Van. O de pestilence! O, if dat io can neit de se Englese sprek vel, ic sel her fader seg how is to pass gecomen.

Enter Pisaro.

Alv. Ne parlate: see here, signors, de father.

Pis. Now, friends, now, gentlemen, how speeds your work?
Have you not found them shrewd, unhappy girls?

Van. Master Pisaro, de dochter Maistris Laurentia, call de dyel, den ass, for dat ic can neit English spreken.

Alv. And dat we sal no parlar, dat we sal no havar dem for de wive.

Pis. Are they so lusty? Dare they be so proud?
Well, I shall find a time to meet with them:[516]
In the mean season, pray, frequent my house.

Enter Frisco, running.

Ho! now, sirrah, whither are you running?

Fris. About a little tiny business.

Pis. What business, ass?

Fris. Indeed I was not sent to you, and yet I was sent after the three gen'men that dined here, to bid them come to our house at ten o'clock at night, when you were abed.

Pis, Ha! what is this I Can this be true? What, art thou sure the wenches bad them come?

Fris. So they said, unless their minds be changed since; for a woman is like a weathercock, they say, and I am sure of no more than I am certain of. But I'll go in and bid them send you word, whether they shall come or no.

Pis. No, sirrah, stay you here. But one word more:
Did they appoint them come one by one, or else
Altogether?

Fris. Altogether! Lord, that such a young man as you should have no more wit! Why, if they should come together, one could not make room for them; but coming one by one, they'll stand there, if there were twenty of them.

Pis. How this news glads me, and revives my soul!
How say you, sirs? What, will you have a jest
Worth the telling; nay, worth the acting?
I have it, gentlemen—I have it, friends.

Alv. Signer Pisaro, I pray de gratia wat manner sal we have? wat will the parlar? what bon do you know, Signer Pisaro, diche di noi, Signer Pisaro?

Pis. O, that youth so sweet
So soon should turn to age! Were I as you,
Why, this were sport alone for me to do.
Hark ye, hark ye. Here my man
Saith that the girls have sent for Master Heigham
And his two friends: I know they love them dear,
And therefore wish them late at night be here,
To revel with them. Will you have a jest,
To work my will and give your longings rest?
Why then Master Vandal and you two
Shall soon at midnight come, as they should do,
And court the wenches; and to be unknown,
And taken for the men whom they alone
So much affect, each one shall change his name:
Master Vandal, you shall take Heigham, and you
Young Harvey, and Monsieur Delion, Ned,
And under shadows be of substance sped.
How like you this device? how think you of it?

Del. O de brave, de galliard devise: me sal come by de nite and contrefaire de Anglois gentlehommes—dites-nous ainsi, Monsieur Pisaro?

Pis. You are in the right, sir.

Alv. And I sal name me de Signer Harvey, and Monsieur Delion sal be de piccolo Signer Ned, and when Madonna Laurentia sal say, who be dare? Monsieur Vandal sal say, O my sout lady, hier be your love Maestro Heigham. Is no dis de bravissime, Master Vandal?

Van. Slaet up den tromele, van ick sal come up to de camerken, wan my new wineken slaet up den tromele, van ick sal come.

Pis. Ha, ha, ha, Master Vandal!
I trow you will be merry soon at night,
When you shall do indeed what now you hope of.

Van. I sal you seg, vader, ic sal teash your daughter such a ting make her laugh too.

Pis. Well, my sons all (for so I count you shall)
What we have here devised, provide me for;
But above all, do not (I pray) forget
To come but one by one, as they did wish.

Van. Mar, hortens vader, ic veit neit de way to your hous, hortens sal Master Frisco your maniken come to call de me, and bring me to your house.

Pis. Yes, marry, shall he. See that you be ready,
And at the hour of eleven soon at night,
Hie you to Bucklersbury to his chamber,
And so direct him straight unto my house.
My son Alvaro and Monsieur Delion
I know do know the way exceeding well.
Well, we'll to the Rose in Barking for an hour:
And, sirrah Frisco, see you prove no blab.

[Exeunt Pisaro, Alvaro, Delion,
and Vandal.