PROLOGUE.
Madams, you're welcome; though our poet show
A severe brow, it is not meant to you.
Your virtues, like your features, they are such,
They neither can be priz'd nor prais'd too much:
Lov'd and admir'd wheres'ever you are known,
Scorning to mix Platonics with your own:
Sit with a pleasing silence, and take view
Of forms vermillion'd in another hue.
Who make free traffic of their nuptial bed,
As if they had of fancy surfeited:
Who come not here to hear our comic scenes,
But to complete imaginary dreams
With realler conceptions. If you mind them,
Their new loves stand before, old loves behind them:
And from that prospect this impresa read,
Rich pearls show best when they are set in lead.
Such be your blameless beauties, which comply
With no complexion but a native dye,
Apt for a spousal hug, and, like rich ore,
Admit one choice impression and no more.
Those faces only merit our esteem,
Seem what they be, and be the same they seem.
For they who beauty clothe with borrow'd airs,
May well disclaim them, being none of theirs.
Here shall you see Nature adorn'd with skill,
And if this do not please, sure, nothing will.
ACT II., SCENE 1.
Enter two Boys.
1st Boy. Room, room for the ladies of the new dress.
2d Boy. Thou styles them rightly, Tim; for they have played the snakes, and put off their old slough. New brooms sweep clean. Frosty age and youth suit not well together. These bona-robas must sate their appetites with fresh cates, or their sharp attractive stomachs will be quickly cloyed.
1st Boy. True, Nick; hadst thou known their nightly quartering as well as I have done, thou wouldst hold them rare coy-ducks for retrieving new game, and storing their lobbies upon all adventures.
2d Boy. Why, Tim, art thou one of that covey?
1st Boy. Let it suffice thee, wag, I know all their fagaries[111] to a hair. I have not played such a truant in my place as to become their pee-dee[112] during all the time of their restraint, and not to attain the principles of a puisne bolt: a faithful secret pimp deserves his constant pay.
2d Boy. But, in good sadness, resolve me: were these dainty Dabrides ever in restraint?
1st Boy. As close cooped up, believe it, as any parachitoes ever were. Only they assumed to their pretended aggrievances to exclaim against their hard fortunes in being matched with such impotent and defective husbands; and now they have, by long flickering and strong favourites, got out o' th' cage, and wrought themselves into alimony.
2d Boy. Uds! so will their dainty fingers tug in alum-work?
1st Boy. What an ignorant puppy thou art! This is no alum-work, but such a calcinated metal as it will run like quicksilver over all their husbands' domains, and in very short time make a quick despatch of all his Long-acre.
2d Boy. Trust me, Tim, these be mad-mettled girls, brave braches to breed on!
1st Boy. What a wanton monkey is this? He's but newly bred, and he can talk of wenches breeding! Well, thou wilt grow a cock of th' game if thy pen-feathered youth mount to't. But silence, wag; the she-myrmidons are entering the stage, and I am pricked out for the chorus.
SCENE II.
Enter Ladies fantastically habited, in a wanton and pleasant posture: passing over the stage, they are encountered by six amorous complimental Servants, every one singling forth his mistress for discourse.
2d Boy. What humorous tomboys be these?
1st Boy. The only gallant Messalinas of our age. That love-spotted ermine is Madam Fricase, a woman of a rampant spirit; a confident pretender to language; and, for the Latin, she makes herself as familiar with the breach of Priscian's head as if it were her husband's.
2d Boy. Who is she, that looks like a mounted scaledrake?[113]
1st Boy. That spitfire is Madam Caveare: one whose assiduate trading brought age upon her before her time. But art has taught her to supply furrowed deformities with ceruse boxes, and to repair a decayed complexion with an Italian fucus. This, with other fomentations, have so enlivened her, as they render her no less active than if she at last grass had but casten her colt's-tooth. The next in rank is that mincing madam Julippe, who would not bear a child for a world (though her endeavours be pregnant enough), for fear she should disfeature the comeliness of her body.
2d Boy. Yet she's a medlar.[114]
1st Boy. A mellow one, and as ready to fall in autumn upon all occasions.
2d Boy. What may that gaudy gewgaw lady be, that throws such scornful looks upon our galleries?
1st Boy. That's a brave martial Milanoise: Semiramis never had a more imperious spirit. She styles herself Madam Joculette; a jocund girl, on my word, and one that will not engage her honour, nor barter in a low commodity, for nothing. She was a tirewoman at first in the suburbs of Milan; but falling into an ebb of fortune, and hearing the quaint and various fancies of our country damosellas, she took upon her this adventure to improve her annual pension; which she has by the dexterity of her wit and incomparable curiosity of art highly enlarged, and by this unexpected means—for it happened, to give an addition to her future happiness, that one Sir Gregory Shapeless, a mundungo[115] monopolist, a paltry-penurious-pecking pinchgut, who had smoked himself into a mercenary title of knightship, set his affection upon her soon after her arrival here; whom thou may imagine, Nick, to be no sooner wooed than won. But scarcely were their marriage-sheets warm, till her dissembled fancy, having no other bait but lucre to feed it, grew cold, and the mundungo-knight became pitifully crest-fallen—more in love with the world than his Italian doxy. A divorce she sues, and so happily pursues, as by the solicitancy of her private ingles she became whole sharer in his trucking fortunes; since which time she pastures freely upon the common without fear of enclosure.
2d Boy. Why should she not? A barren ranging doe, having once leapt over her own pale, may encroach, though not with security, upon any other's liberty.
1st Boy. That next her in rank, and as right as my leg in her career, is Madam Medler, a cunning civil trader, who with much simpering secrecy, as one that would seem sparing in discovery of her husband's debility, calls him[116] Sir Tristram Shorttool, a good, well-meaning man, and one that might content any woman under the equinoctial line, if Nature had measured her[117] right. Whereas his sufficiency has been elsewhere tried, which his many branches, sprung from other stocks, may sufficiently witness, being scions[118] of his own inoculating, and at his own proper charge for breeding. As for that lady with the inflamed face, Madam Tinder, her desires are so strong and enlarged, as that torrid zone, where she sometimes planted, could not accommodate her supplies. And let this serve thee, Nick, for a short character of these alimonial ladies.
2d Boy. Those Platonic servants of theirs are upon a strong debate with their amorous mistresses.
1st Boy. But note, my precious wag, how infinitely they seem tickled with the accounts, which those ladies return them of their court proceedings.
[They retire, and listen.
SCENE III.
Flo. You overglad me, Madam Fricase,
With your select discourse, closing so fairly
With our expected wishes.
Car.No conceit
Struck more on fancy than the tale you told me;
'Tis so attractive, Madam Caveare.
It acts delight without a passive object,
And forms an embryo in the phantasy
By love's mysterious spell. May Ida's court
Ne'er see Caranto exercise his revels,
If he neglect those ceremonial rites
Which love and duty have oblig'd him to.
May all the orbs make music in their motion,
And smile on our enjoyment!
Pal.Fair Julippe,
Your choice has crown'd me; nor shall track of time
Raze out that imprese which[119] your free assent
Has here engraven. Palisado's zeal
Shall merit your affection, if endeavours
May mount to such a pitch as they may cheer
My hopes in retribution. Secrecy,
Or what may most suit with a lady's honour,
Shall in this breast keep constant sentry.[120]
Sal. If Salibrand fall short, may he be forc'd
To sue his own divorce. Dear Joculette,
May your estrangement from a loathed bed
Complete your choice with a delightful change.
Mor. Balls, treats, rear-banquets, theatral receipts
To solace tedious hours, shall entertain
My mellow Medlar; and when evening pleasure
Shall with enlivening vigour summon more
Duly-reserved offices, which Love
In her arrival, her desir'd repose,
Shall pay his loyal tribute, only due
To crowns and nuptial rites: or as pure times
Make these divisions legal, to supply
Defects by abler farmers, which defray'd,
Proves man to be himself. I'll vow no more:
Only give leave to your devoted servant,
Whose purest victim is a constant heart,
To make this tender good. Before I fail
In acting your content, may youthful heat
Disclaim its interest in me, and this spirit,
Active and sprightly, lose his native strength—
Nay, thaw itself to atoms, and resolve
To ophic powder, juice of cucumber,
Or what may show most chilness in the blood.
Til. Like brave Platonic, you profess much love,
Which, you enamel with gilt promises;
But my affection's conscious of no guilt,[121]
Nor a rhetoric tincture. Some can speak,
And call the heavens to record, when their fancy,
Mere planet-struck, has fix'd their influence
On various objects: this deludes poor wenches,
And makes them melt like ceruse! Heav'ns forgive them!
I'm none of that light leaven; nor, Florello,
Caranto, Palisado, Salibrand,
Nor you, Morisco. Moments of delight
May prompt unmanag'd youths to damn'd protests
And vows which they intend not: whereas, madams,
Your choice has made you happy in your change.
This shall my dear affianc'd Tinder find
In her embraces; and in those conclude
Stol'n waters be the sweetest.
All.Excellent;
Thou shalt be styl'd th' Platonic Pythias.
Fri. Our faith is not confirm'd by oratory.
If man, he cannot falsify his trust
In offices of love; we leave our own
For your enjoyment; were there piety
In making love the anvil of your treason?
No, no; we shall not entertain a thought,
That may suggest suspicion, nor retain
In our late-widow'd breasts a crime so foul
As jealousy. Let our cornutos harbour
That marrow-eating fury. Dear Florello,
Hold my exchanged love complete in thee!
Cav. Hold same opinion of thy Caveare,
My best Caranto.
Jul. Treasure like esteem
In thy Julippe's choice, brave Palisado.
Joc. In Joculette, active Salibrand.
Med. Thy sprightliest revels, may they be reserv'd
For thy endearèd Medlar, my Morisco.
Tin. So may thy hopes be crownèd in thy Tinder,
My valiant Tilly; and rest thus resolv'd:
That th' tender tinder of my tried affection
Shall ne'er obscure its lustre, if neglect
Extinguish not that heat.
Til.May th' frigid zone
Sooner contract my sinews!
Mor.And love's grove
Become an hermit's cell!
Sal.And our revels
A sullen stoic dream.
Pal.And this exchange
A period to our joys.
Car.And our protests
Affrighting shadows.
Flo.Or (what's worst of all)
May those contents, which you expect from us,
Discover our defects, and make you wish
Your nuptial beds untouch'd.
All.May all these fall,
And crush us with their grandeur.
Ladies.Be it so,
And if our levity disvalue vows,
Or what may most oblige us: may like censure
Impeach our perish'd honours.
[They retire.
1st Boy.So: the match
Is clapp'd already up. They need no witness.
2d Boy. Trust me, they couple handsomely, as if they had been married after th' new fashion.
1st Boy. These need no dispensation. Fancy can act it without more ado. A mad match soon shuffled up!
2d Boy. But what shuffling would there be, if any of these wanton gossips should cry out before their time?
1st Boy. That cry, my dainty wag, would be soon stifled. There be many ways, as I have heard my old grannam say (who had been in her youth a Paracelsian doctor's leman), to impregnate a birth, and, by secret applications o' possems[122] and cordials, not only to facilitate, but expedite, their production.
2d Boy. And what of all this?
1st Boy. Why then, Tim, the only safe way for these gamesome macquerellas[123] is to antedate their conception before their separation. This has been an approved receipt; and, upon a long consult, found so, and returned authentic. Joy or grief produce wondrous effects in humorous[124] ladies.
2d Boy. Thou art a cunning, sifting ningle for all rogueries.
SCENE IV.
Enter again the Ladies with their Platonic Confidants.
1st Boy. What! so soon returned? upon my life, there's some amorous design on foot, either in displaying of the weakness of those rams'-heads whom they have deserted, or some pasquil of light mirth to ingratiate their late-entertained servants.
2d Boy. No drollery, for love sake:
"Facetious fancies are the least profane."
1st Boy. That's a precious strain of modesty,
Nick: make much on't: let's fasten our attentions.
They are moving.
[Boys retire again.
Flo. Dear Madam Fricase, present those scenes,
Those love-attractive scenes, your noble self
With these long-injur'd ladies tend'red
To your prudential senate.
Fri.Sure, Florello,
You much mistake them; can you call them scenes
Which just complaints exhibit? True, they might,—
They might have prov'd to us, and to our honours
That lay at stake, and by spectators thought
Highly engag'd, nay, desperately expos'd
To a judicial sentence—a decree
Of fatal consequence.
Car.But pregnant wits,
Stor'd with maturest judgment, polite tongues,
Calm'd an approaching storm.
Pal.Nay, made you gracious
Before those rigid consuls.
Sal.For my part,
I never knew a good face spoil a cause,
Though th' bench were ne'er so gravely ancient:
Nor ripe in years.
Mor. Beauty's a taking bait,
Which each fish nibbles at: this Appius felt,
A reverend sage, whom furrowed brow, loose lip,
Strait line of life, a rough distemper'd cough,
Aged catarrhs, a shiver'd shell turn'd earth,
Where nought appear'd that might partake of man,
Save a weak breathing motion: yet could he
Send forth light wand'ring eyes, and court Virginia
With a dull admiration: so the bard
Describes his daring-doting appetite,
Which he pursu'd, yet thought none durst discover:
"Appius had silent tongue, but speaking eyes;
Yet who says Appius loves Virginia, lies."
Til. Not I, I vow; let age attire itself,
And in that garish habit fool his soul
With fruitless wishes. What's all this to me?
Pygmalion may with his incessant vows,
Sweet'ned with fancy's incense, seek t'enliven
Motionless marble; but such statues render
Icy content. Imagination may
Make th' image seem a Leda, yet the swan
Retains her feature and her nature too.
Let's leave these apprehensions; they suit better
With shady than essential favourites.
Good madams, second our desires; let's hear,
How you were dealt withal.
Flo. Our instancy
Begs so much favour.
Car. It will cheer our spirits
In the relation of your fair proceedings.
Mor. Where th' issue crown'd your suit with that success,
No fates seem'd more propitious.
Pal.We must leave't;
You know what longing means.
Sal.Come, who begins?
Ladies. Stay, gallants, wing not your too speedy course
With such Pegasian quickness; our consent
Should go along: our interests are concern'd
To perfect your desires.
Flo. And we presume
Your acquiescence will accomplish it.
Our mutual loves close in that harmony
That, though the airs of music still admit
Their closure in divisions, our joint strings,
So sweetly tun'd, may run their diapason
Without a discord.
Fri. By which sense we gather,
That we must prove your fiddlers?
Flo. You mistake me.
We hold you instruments; your fancies, strings,
To actuate our motion with that fulness
Arion ne'er attain'd to.
Ladies. We must yield,
Or they will storm us.
Fri. Yet let our conditions
Bring them within our lists. Well, our surprise
Must make you parties i' th' discovery.
All. For love's sake, how?
Fri. As thus: we stand at bar
T' express our grievances: and you must set
Grave censors or examinates to discuss
The weight of our complaints.
All. Content; we'll do't.
Ladies. But do't exactly, or you spoil the plot.
Car. 'Slid, doubt not, ladies, we have wit enough
To frame intergotaries, so you make answer,
And with your quickness do not puzzle us.
All. Advance, advance; let's mount, and play the consuls.
[The Confidants ascend the higher seats, erected after the form of the Roman exedras, the Ladies, with petitions in their hands, standing at the bar.
1st Boy. How will these dainty dottrels act their parts?
2d Boy. Rarely, no doubt; their audience makes them confident.
SCENE V.
Flo. Now, fair ladies, what wind has blown you hither?
Fri. The storm of our insufferable wrongs
Call unto you for justice.
Car. And your beauties
Enjoin our just assistance. Show your griefs.
1st Boy. This is a caranto-man, with all my heart! must
Beauty be his landskip on the seat of justice?
[Aside.
2d Boy.2d Boy. Pray thee, give them line.
[Aside.
Fri. Should I discover my misfortunes, consuls,
They would enforce compassion, even in strangers,
Who know not my extraction. My descent,
Besides the fortunes I deriv'd from them
Who gave me being, breeding, with whate'er
Might complete youth, or give embellishment
To Nature's curious workmanship, was known
To shine more graceful in the eye of fame
Than to remain obscure: yet see my fate—
My sad occurring fate!
Flo. Express it, madam.
Fri. I married, reverend consul, and in that
Lost both my freedom, fortune, and myself.
My former single sweet condition
Clothes that remembrance in a sable weed,
Resolves mine eyes to Niobe's, whose tears
Might drop to marble, and erect an urn
T' inhume my funeral spousals.
[She feigns to weep, in resentment of her former estate.
Car. Alas! poor lady.
1st Boy. Pitiful senator, if he have not drunk some coffee to keep him waking, he will questionless fall asleep, or melt into tears, before he delivers his sentence.
[Aside.
Pal. Whence sprung this spring of infelicity?
Resolve us, madam.
Fri. From mine helpless match;
A tender stripling, whose unmanly chin
Had ne'er known razor, nor discover'd
A youthful down: yet his minority
Was by o'erpow'ring friends accounted fit
To match with my maturer growth; but time
Display'd their folly who enjoined me to't.
And (my misfortune most) light was his brain,
But weaker far his strength to satisfy
Those lawful nuptial heats which breathe[125] in us
An active fire. Now I appeal to you,
Judicious consuls.
2d Boy. Hold there, madam, under favour; these brave senators you appeal to are more for execution than judgment.
[Aside.
Fri. Could the patience
Of Grisel, were she living, reap content
In such enjoyments? Could she suffer youth,
Quicken'd with blooming fancy, to expire,
And quench her heat with such an useless snuff?
Flo. A match insufferable!
Car. Opposing nature!
Pal. Nay, what in time would quite depopulate,
And make the world a desert.
Sal. Higher wrongs
Cannot inflicted be on womankind.
Til. Nor aspersing more dishonour on that sex,
That most endearèd sex, to which we owe
Ourselves and fortunes; for should their choice beauties
Suffer a pillage by desertless hands,
Forc'd to a loathed bed, and made a prey
To seared age, or to unripen'd youth:
How soon might these unparallel'd deities,
By fixing their affections on strange faces
And their more graceful posture, which they valued
Above their churlish consorts, become strangers
To their due spousal rites? How soon engage
Their honour to th' embraces of a servant
Of brave deportment, sprightly eyes, neat limbs:
A virile presence and a countenance
'Twixt Ajax and Adonis; neither fierce
Nor too effeminate, but mix'd 'twixt both:
Neither too light to scorn, nor stern to loathe.
'Twas this brought Troy to ruin; for had Helen
Espous'd where she had lov'd, poor Menelaus
Had ne'er been branch'd, nor Troy reduc'd to flames;
Nor Priam and his Hecuba [been] the grounds
Of sad succeeding stories.
1st Boy. A gallant consult, trust me; he has got by heart the ballad of "The Destruction of Troy" to a syllable.
[Aside.
Flo. Honour'd colleague,
You show yourself both learn'd and eloquent.
Madam, be pleased to solace discontent
With a retir'd repose. We have discuss'd
And balanced the grandeur of your wrongs
In a judicious scale, and shall apply
Proper receipts to your aggrievances,
When we have heard the rest.
1st Boy. Receipts of their own application, I warrant thee.
[Aside.
Car. Madam Caveare,
You here appear as a complainant too?
Cav. And none more justly: ne'er was woman match'd
To such a stupid, sottish animal:
One that's compos'd of nonsense, and so weak
In masculine abilities, he ne'er read
The "Wife of Bath's Tale," nor what thing might please
A woman best; my curtain-lectures have
No influence on him. I must confess
He's simply honest; but what's that to me?
He apprehends not what concerns a woman:
Nor what may suit her quality in state
And fit dimension.
Car. A most unfitting husband!
Cav. It was my parents' caution, I remember;
But 'twas my sad fate not t' observe[126] that lesson—
Never to fix my fancy on a person
Who had no sage in's pate, lest progeny of fools
Should make my race unhappy: this has made
My thoughts mere strangers to his weak embraces;
Nor shall I e'er affect him.
Flo.Madam, no law
Would in the Spartan state enjoin a lady
So nobly accomplished to confine
Her fancy to such fury.
Pal.This objection
Admits no long debate.
Sal.Her rich deserts,
Adorn'd with such choice native faculties,
And grac'd with art to make them more complete,
In humane reason should exempt her youth
From such a servile yoke.
Mor. In ancient times,
When wisdom guarded senates, a decree,
Confirmed by public vote, enacted was,
That none should marry till he had observ'd
Domestic discipline; and first to bear
With a composed garb th' indignities
Of a Xantippe, if his fortune were
To cope with such a fury: and to calm
Her passion with his patience. Now, grave colleagues,
What comfort might this injur'd lady drain,
In these punctilios which import her state,
From this insensate sot?
Til.Exchange his bed,
And sue his patent for the Fatuano;
And, to display him to his visitants
In clearer colours, let this motto be
Engraven on those walls, deep-ach'd with time,
"Defective in his head-piece, here he lies,
Object of scorn to all surveying eyes."
2d Boy. So, poor scatterbrain, he has got his judgment already.
[Aside.
Car. Praxiteles could ne'er portray him better,
Nor lodge his sconce more fitly. You may, madam,
Conceive how sensibly we feel your wounds,
And with what promptness we shall expedite
Your long-expected cure.
Pal.Madam Julippe,
You come next in rank; declare your griefs,
And if our judgments hold them meriting
Our just relief, we have compassionate hearts
And powerful hands to vindicate your wrongs
To th' utmost scruple.
Jul.If they weigh not heavy,
Let me incur your censure. Patriots—
For I appeal to your judicious bosoms,
Where serious justice has a residence
Mix'd with a pious pity—I shall unravel
The clue of my misfortunes in small threads,
Thin-spun as is the subtle gossamer.[127]
Deep wounds, like griefs, require contracted lines;
Few words, long sighs: accents that want express.
First give me leave one beamling to bestow
On my obscur'd, once glorious, family.
All. Madam, proceed; Fame made it eminent.
Jul. But now contemptive—by marrying one
Who bears the shape of man, and that is all:
A base, white-liver'd coward, whose regard
To his lost honour stamps him with that brand,
That hateful stigma, which humanity
Scorns as the basest complice.
Pal. Style it, madam.
Jul. Pusillanimity. That ranter breathes not,
Who with his peek'd mouchatoes[128] may not brave him,
Baffle, nay baste him out of his possessions.
His fortunes he esteems not, so his person
May be secur'd from beating.
All. Matchless coward!
Jul. Nor is this all. 'Has sought t' engage my bed,
My nuptial bed and honour—nay, those sheets
Where, I may safely vow, ne'er man lay in,
Beside my husband.
2d Boy. Very like; but how many when he was not there?
[Aside.
Flo. No misfortune worse,
Nor humour hateful to a virile spirit,
Whereof your noble family partakes,
Than want of courage.
Pal. Tush, sir, that's not all.
Her line, in time, might grow degenerate,
And blanch the living memory of those
From whence she came.
Cav. There's none who here appears
Before you, conscript consuls, but can give
Store of evincing instances of this:
For matching with Sir Jasper Simpleton,
An hairbrain'd puppy, most of all my brood
Run like shell-headed lapwings in careers,
Just as their own supposed father did,
Simple Sir Jasper, whose small dose of sense
Proportion'd their discretion—till a change
Impregnated me more wisely.
Fri.So did I
Suffer in my raw, puny Amadin;
Though all my fears summ'd up their period,
And in it crown'd my wishes for one boy
(Who, while he lives, I think, will prove a boy),
I had by my young stripling, who can trace
His father's steps directly: all his games,
Wherein his lineal youth takes sole delight
Are yert-point, nine-pins, job-nut, or span-counter,
Or riding cock-horse, which his dad admires,
Smiling to see such horsemanship perform'd.
Now I appeal to you, whose judgments are
Maturely serious, if these tomboy tricks
Might not perplex me, and enforce me too,
To act what my affections prompt me do?
Joc. If one complain of the minority
Of her thin-downy consort, and you, madam,
Of his simplicity whom you have choos'd,
And you, Julippe, of his cowardice
Whom with averseness you have made your spouse,
What grounds of discontent may I conceive,
Unhappy Joculette, in my choice—
My nightly torture, whose embraces be
Worse than those snaky windings unto me,
Dipt in Medusa's charms.
Car.Unbare your wound.
2d Boy. Nay, let that be the least of your fears; she'll do that to a hair.
[Aside.
Joc. Know, then, judicious consuls,
These arms are forc'd t' enwreathe a shapeless mass
Of all deformity, a bear unlick'd:
One whom Thersites, that disfigur'd Greek,
So far excell'd in native lineaments,
Proportion, feature, and complexion
(All rare attractives to the eye of love),
As amorous Narcissus in his prime
Surpass'd the roughest sylvan that the woods
E'er nurs'd or harbour'd. Yet enjoin'd am I
To hug this centaur, who appears to me
A prodigy in Nature.
All.'Tis a fate
Exacts compassion, and deserves redress.
Flo. Such a complete and exquisite beauty
Accomplish'd in all parts!
Car.Nay, qualifi'd
With rarity of arts to make her sex
With pious emulation to admire
Her choice perfections——
Pal.And all these obscur'd,
Soil'd, sullied, perish'd by th' immeriting touch
Of a misshapen boor!
Sal.Such precious gems,
Set in ignoble metals, cannot choose
But much detract from th' native graceful lustre,
Which they retain'd, by means of that base ore
Impales their orient splendour.
Mor.This is nothing
To th' injury her lineage may receive
From his deformity.
Til.I must confess
That threat'neth much of danger: yet I read not
That Vulcan's poult foot or his smutted look
Black'ned with Lemnian sea-coal, brought the issue
Begot by Venus, if he any got,
To change their amorous physnomy.
Mor. He may thank
Mars for that active courtesy, or it had
Disfigur'd much his spurious progeny.
Flo. Well, madam, we compassionate your choice
In your Sir Gregory Shapeless, and shall find
A quick receipt to cure your discontent
With a new-moulded and more pleasing feature
Than your sad fate enjoys. Repose, till we
Have run through all your griefs, and felt your pulses.
2d Boy. For shame's sake, no further, my dainty doctors.
[Aside.
Flo. With th' symptoms or gradations as they stream
In your desertless sufferings; paroxysms,
Or what extremes may most surprise your fancies:
In these our serious judgments shall supply
Such sov'reign cordials as you shall not need
No use nor application of more help
Than what we shall prepare. Let this suffice:
It rests in us to cure your maladies—
Excuse us, Madam Medler; these debates
Have kept us from discovery of your wrongs.
Med. Than which none more depressive—would you judge
Th' musician good that wants his instrument?
Or any artisan, who goes to work
Without provision of a proper tool,
To manage that employment? Modesty
Bids me conceal the rest: my secret wants
Require an active tongue; but womanhood
Enjoins me silence.
Mor. 'Las! I'm sensible
Of her aggrievance, ere her dialect
Can give it breath or accent.
Med. But you say—
And our experience has inform'd us, too—
In that essential truth, that we must first
Disclose our wounds, if we expect a cure:
Let your impartial judgments, then, give ear
To a distressed lady's just complaint.
In my first years, as now I am not old,
My friends resolved to supply a portion,
Which my descent (though good) could not afford,
To match my youth unto a man of age,
Whose nest was richly feather'd, stor'd of all
But native vigour, which express'd itself
As if all radical humour had been drench'd
In a chill shady bed of cucumbers
Before our nuptial night. Oft had I begg'd.
With sighs and tears, that this unequal match
Might be diverted; but it might not be.
The fulness of his fortunes winged them
To consummate the match: this pleased them,
But me displeas'd, whom it concerned most.
Flo. The issue, madam?
Med. None; nor ever shall
With that sear, suckless kex.
Mor. Never was lady
So rarely beautifi'd, so highly wrong'd.
Car. What flinty worldling were those friends of yours
To value fortunes more than your content!
Pal. To prostitute your honour to a clod
Of mould'red earth!
Sal. And in an icy bed
To starve your blooming comforts?
Til. This exceeds
All spousal suffering, which preceding times
In our Italian stories ever read,
Or in their sable annals register'd.
Flo. Much of Sir Tristram Shorttool (so I think
Men call your husband) have I ofttimes heard,
And his penurious humour. But your wrongs
Were strangers to me, till your own relation
Display'd their quality; which to allay,
Nay, quite remove, transmit the care to us
And our directions, to supply your wants.
We should be just to all, but still retain
A bosom-pity to the weaker sex.
If we observ'd not this with tenderness,
We should not merit this judicial seat,
Whereto——
1st Boy.These Dabrides rais'd you.
[Aside.
Til. Now, Madam Tinder, your aggrieves are last.
Tin. But not the least. What woman could endure
In spousal rights to have a stranger share
In her enjoyments? or remain depriv'd
Of her propriety by losing those
Appropriate dues which nature has ordain'd,
And sacred rights approv'd? You see I'm young,
And youth expects that tribute which our sex
May challenge by descent.
All.Her plea is good.
Tin. Would you not, reverend consuls, hold it strange
To see a savage, unconfined bull,
When th' pasture's fruitful, and the milk-pail full,
And all delights that might content a beast,
Range here and there, and break into those grounds
Which are less fertile, and where neither shade
Affords him umbrage, nor smooth-running brooks
Streams to allay his thirst: nay, where the grass,
Too strow[129] for fodder, and too rank for pasture,
Would generate more fatal maladies
Than a whole college of state empirics
Or country farriers had art to cure?
Flo. Such bullocks, madam, well deserve a baiting.
Til. And beating too!
Tin. Yet this is my condition:
For marrying one Sir Reuben Scattergood,
A person in appearance like enough,
And well-dispos'd for aught my watchful eyes
Could long discover; but, his father dead,
And his revenues by his death swol'n great,
His nuptial bed he leaves, and entertains
Such mercenary prostitutes as fancy—
His loose-exposed fancy—lur'd him to.
Car. Injurious ribald!
Pal. Hateful libertine!
Til. Had she been old, or crook'd, or any way
Deform'd.
Sal. Or ill-condition'd.
Mor.Or averse,
When he was active.
Flo. Or run retrograde
To his just pleasures: these might have abridg'd
And weaken'd his affection. But when beauty,
Composed temper, and a graceful presence,
Cloth'd both with majesty and a sweet smile
Of such attractive quality, as the adamant
Cannot more virtually enforce its object,
Than these impressive motives of content:
He merits not the title of a man,
Much less the embraces of so choice a spouse,
Who violates his faith, deceives her trust.
Car. I am directly, sir, of your opinion.
Pal. So I.
Mor. And I.
All. So all of us concur,
To make our judgments more unanimous.
Tin. And, to confirm't, may you be pleas'd to give
Attention to a story I shall tell,
As true as strange, to manifest th' affronts
My patience has endur'd, and to what height
His luxury ascended.
All. Madam, do;
We shall lend ready ears to your discourse.
Tin. It chanc'd one day,—and ofttimes so it chanc'd,
For doubtful thoughts have ever jealous eyes,—
That my suspicion had begot a fear
That my neglectful husband had a kindness,
And more than usual, unto my maid—
A proper maid, if so she might be call'd:
Now, to possess myself whether those grounds
Whereon I built might just inducements be
Of my late-hatch'd fears, I made pretence,
(What is it jealousy will not design?)
To go from home. But this was no recede,
But a retire: for in the ev'ning-time,
When these two amorous pair expected least
Such an unwelcome visit, I repair'd
To a close arbour set with sycamores,
The tamarisk, and sweet-breath'd eglantine,
That local object which I fix'd upon,
Not of myself, but by direction,
Where I found out what I suspected long:
Such wanton dalliance as the Lemnian smith
Never discover'd more, when he prepar'd
His artful net t' enwreath his Eriena
Impal'd in Mars his arms.
All. Could you contain
Your passion in such Aretine a posture?
Tin. With much reluctancy I did indeed,
Curbing my temper, which was much enrag'd,
With this too mild expression, "Fie, for shame!
Minion, I'll have none of this work, not I."
"You may, when it is offer'd you," said he.
1st Boy. Ha, ha, ha! this was a bold-fac'd niggler;[130] trust me, wag.
[Aside.
Flo. Was't not enough for him t' enjoy his pleasure,
But he must jeer you too?
Car. As if you were
A stale to his light dalliance!
Pal. Or a scorn to his embraces!
Was her servile beauty,
Expos'd to sale, dishonour of her sex,
To be compar'd to yours?
Sal. Whose native splendour,
Without the help of art, which makes complexion
By borrow'd colours much unlike itself:
May challenge a prerogative i' th' rank
Of our completest features.
Mor.It seems strange,
How you could brook th' affront without revenge
On that insulting prostitute.
Til.No doubt
She would take hold of opportunity
By th' foretop, and repair her pressing wrongs
By private satisfactions; which works best,
When their revenge seems sleeping and at rest.
This lady would not rate her worth so small,
As to forego both use and principal.
2d Boy. No, reverend favourite, you will find this madam Spitfire of a keener metal than so. She's right tinder: no sooner touch than take.
[Aside.
Flo. Ladies, we've heard your different complaints,
Forcing our just compassion and resolves
To tender your condition, and redress.
What may the purport be of your petition,
Relating to your grievances?
All-Ladies. A freedom
From our disrelish'd beds.
All-Platonics. 'Tis granted you.
Ladies. With alimony to support our state
In this division.
Plat. Your suit is just;
Should we oppose it, we might wrong ourselves.
1st Boy. Very likely; for they mean to be made whole sharers both in their persons and personal estates. This is brave judicial brokage.
[Aside.
Flo. Speak, fellow-colleagues, shall I limit them,
What we in justice hold expedient
For th' alimonal charge proportion'd them,
And in what measure to supply their wants?
All. Do so, Florello; we shall second it.
Flo. Thus, I conceive, these ladies have resign'd
Their title, property and interest,
In whole and not in part, which they enjoy'd
In their defective husbands. Were't not just
In lieu o' th' whole, which they have here disclaim'd,
That they should seize upon the moiety
Of their revenues, whom they've here deserted
As useless instruments unto the state?
Ladies. We submit to it.
2d Boy. And so ye may well, if your husbands will yield to't.
1st Boy. These be nimble shavers, Nick, as well
as sharers; they know how to cut large thongs
out of other folks' leather.[131]
[Aside.
Flo. This crowns our wishes, when with joint consent
We close our votes, and render you content.
Car. Dismount, dismount, let's exercise no more
These purple seats; their stories stand too high
For our ascent: only let's thus much know,
Whether our parts were acted well or no.
[They descend.
Ladies. Above expectance. Singular in all,
But best in your conclusion.
Fri. You did well
In your proportioning of our alimony,
Moulded to th' moiety of their estates
Whom we have justly left; but we had less
Allotted us in more authentic courts.
Pal. That was not in our verge to regulate.
Cav. Nor skills it much; we have a competence
Aspiring to exceedings; and in this
More bless'd, because exempted from those bonds,
Which our long servitude enchain'd us to.
Flo. Of consuls, then, which title we usurp'd
To cheer your fancies, we shall now become
Your servants, confidants, or favourites,
Or how you please to style us. We are all
Affianc'd yours: firm as the solid rock
In your reserved councils, and what may
Hold correspondence with your interests,
But soft and malleable as liquid amber
In its resolving temper, when delight
Shall sport it in your bosom, and admit
A sociable dalliance.
Fri. Your free discourse,
Grounded on former proofs of constancy,
Has so endear'd me, I am wholly yours.
Cav. Madam, we mean not you shall have it so:
You've broke the ice, and we will trace your steps.
Former experience has engaged me
To fix on my Caranto.
Jul. Palisado shall
Enjoy my love.
Joc. I for my Salibrand.
Med. Morisco mine.
Tin. Tinder shall Tilly's be.
Til. Pure tender Tinder of affection,
The new-blown bloom, that craves a native warmth
To cherish its young growth, shall not receive
More solace from those orient rays which shine
On its fresh-springing beauty, than your choice
Shall in my dear embraces.
Tin. I shall try you.
1st Boy. Thus walks the poor gentlemen's revenues to raise these doxies' alimony: and thus runs their alimony to feed these youngsters' riot.
[Aside.
Pla. Our joy's completed. Seal this joint conveyance
With those ambrosiac signets of your lips.
[They kiss.
"One house did hold, one house shall hold us twain;
Once did we kiss, and we will kiss again."
2d Boy. How turtle-like they couple!
[Aside.
SCENE VI.
Upon these Platonics' private parlance, dalliance, and embraces of the Ladies, Enter Sir Amadin Puny, Sir Jasper Simpleton, Sir Arthur Heartless, Sir Gregory Shapeless, Sir Tristram Shorttool, Sir Reuben Scattergood, in a melancholy, discontented mood, with their hats over their eyes.
Sir Ama. Is this th' platonic law, all things in common?
Sir Jas. Must all forego their wives that are not wise?
Sir Art. Or be divorc'd, because we dare not fight?
Sir Gre. Or lose our mates, because we are not handsome?
Sir Tris. Nay, 'cause we are not arm'd so well as others be,
Forfeit our consort and our fortunes too?
Sir Reu. Yes, that's the plague on't. Lose a light-heeled trull—
That in my judgment's nothing; but to lose all
Or moiety of that all, or any part at all
For a poor nifling[132] toy that's worse than nothing,
'Tis this that nettleth me! I must confess
Tinder, that light-skirt, with impetuous heat
Sometimes pursu'd me, till that quenchless fire
Burst into flames of boundless jealousy,
Which cross'd mine humour; for variety
Relish'd my palate. Phœnix' brains be rare;
But if our dishes had no other fare,
They would offend the stomach, and so sate it,
As grosser meats would give a better taste:
Such was my surfeit to a marriage-bed;
My fortunes I prefer before her beauty,
Or what may most content the appetite.
Money will purchase wenches; but this want—
This roguish thing called want—makes wanton thoughts
Look much unlike themselves: 'tis this white metal
Enliveneth spirits, knits our arteries
Firm as Alcides. He that binds himself
Apprentice to his wife merely for love,
May he, pen-feathered widgeon, forfeit's freedom,
With whatsoe'er is dearest to the vogue
Of his affections. She were a rare piece
That could engage me, or oblige me hers
With all those ceremonial rites which Flamens use
To Hymen's honour. Beauty, still say I,
Will breed a surfeit, be it ne'er so choice
Nor eye-attractive. I should choose a grave
Before one mistress all mine interest have.
O my alimony, alimony! this is the goad that only prickles me.
Pla. Those be your husbands, ladies;—how pitifully they look?
Ladies. Alas, poor cuckolds!
Knights. Ladies, we were sometimes your husbands.
[These Platonics discover the Knights, and scornfully eye them.
Ladies. True,
You were so: but your known defects have raz'd
That style of wedlock, and enfranchis'd us
From that tyrannic yoke. We're now our own;
Nor shall our beds by you be henceforth known.
Fri. Nothing, Sir Amadin.
And that's sufficient to divide us two.
Your puny years must grow in strength and sinews
To prove you man, before you can partake
In my enjoyments; the court has so decreed,
And by resentment of that injury
Your blooming youth, unripened for delight,
Has done to me, your hapless virgin bride,
Held fit to number me amongst these ladies,
All different sufferers; and for supportance
(As everything, you know, would gladly live)
Allots us alimony.
Flo. So his score is paid.
[Aside.
Sir Jas. Madam, look on Sir Jasper.
Cav. Honest simpleton,
And so I will, just as the fowler is wont
On a catch'd dottrel; till your wasted brain
Rise to more growth, I from my widow'd bed
Will rise untouch'd: these breasts shall never give
Their nursing teats unto a brood of fools.
Car. So, good Sir Jasper, you've your doom in folio.[133]
[Aside.
Sir Art. Receive me, dear Julippe.
Jul. For what end?
Have you stol'n from your colours? O, I hate
A coward worser than a maidenhead
Basely bestow'd. These Paphlagonian birds—
These heartless partridges—shall never nestle
Under my feathers. Till your spirit revive,
And look like man, disclaim your interest
And injur'd title in Julippe.
Pal. So;
He must first learn to fight, ere she to love.
[Aside.
Sir Gre. That you would love me.
Joc. No; you must cast your slough first: can you see
Ought in yourself worth loving? Have you ever,
Since our unhappy meeting, us'd a glass,
And not been startled in the sad perusal
Of your affrightful physnomy? Sir, hear me;
And let me beg your patience, if you hear
Aught may disrelish you. When th' camel shall
Trans-shape himself into a nimble weasel,
Or such-like active creature, and this bunch,
Which Nemesis has on your shoulders pitch'd
(This bunch of grapes, I mean) shall levell'd be,
[She lays her hand upon his shoulders.
And brought into proportion by a press
Equally squeezing, till it shall retain
Adonis' feature, I shall value you,
And hug you for my consort. But till then
Excuse my strangeness.
Sal. So; his cause is heard:
He must unshape himself to gain her love.
Med. Sir Tristram Shorttool, have you ought to do
In this pursuit of fancy?
Sir Tris. Something, madam.
Med. But to small[134] purpose. Sir Tristram, you have been
A man of reading, and on winter nights
You told me tales (for that was all[135] you did),
What strange adventures and what gallant acts
Redoubted knights did for their ladies' sakes;
But what did you for Medler all the while?
Did you e'er toss a pike or brandish blade
For her dear sake? Go to, I shall conceal,
And with a modest, bashful veil enshroud
What sense bids me discover. Let me, sir,
Advise you as a friend; for other styles,
Relating to an husband, I shall never
Henceforth resent them with a free comply:
Love suits not well with your decrepit age;
Let it be your chief care t' intend your health;
Use caudles, cordials, julips, pectorals;
Keep your feet warm; bind up your nape o' th' neck
Close against chilling airs, that you may live
An old man long; but take especial care
You button on your nightcap.
Mor. After th' new fashion
With his loave-ears[136] without it.
[Aside.
Med. This is all—
Only your absence.
Mor. So good night, Sir Tristram.
[Aside.
Sir Reu. Sweet Madam Tinder.
[Sir Reuben offers to kiss her.
Tin. Keep your distance, sir;
I love not to be touch'd.
Sir Reu. Are you so hot,
My tender tinder?
Tin. No, sir; look to the clime
Where you inhabit; there's the torrid zone.
Til. Yea, there goes the hare[137] away!
[Aside.
Sir Reu. Can you not love?
Tin. Not one that loves so many.
Sir Reu. 'Las, pretty peat!
[Offers to touch her.
Tin. Pray, sir, hold off your hand;
Truck with your low-pric'd traders; I must tell you
Mine honour's higher rated.
Sir Reu. Be it so;
I wish you would disclaim your alimony
With that indiff'rent touch as you do love,
You should not need a dispensation, madam;
It should be granted unpetitioned!
Tin. I'm confident it would; nor shall the coolness
Of your affection bring me to an ebb
Of favour with myself. Plant where you please,
I'll henceforth scorn to hug my own disease.
Til. So, Sir Reuben's despatched, and, like a ranger, may tappis[138] where he likes.
[Aside.
Sir Reu. But hark you, madam; what be these brave blades
That thus accoutre you? Are they your Platonics,
Hectors, or champion-haxters,[139] pimps or palliards,
Or your choice cabinet-confidants?
Tin. You may exact accompt from them.
Sir Reu. No, but I will not;
Long since I've heard a proverb made me wise,
And arm'd me cap-a-pie 'gainst such accounts:
"Whos'e'er he be that tugs with dirty foes,
He must be soil'd, admit he win or lose."
Tin. Shall I acquaint them with your adage, sir?
Sir Reu. Do, if you please.
Tin. No, sir, I am too tender
Of your endanger'd honour. Should a baffle
Engage your fame, and I the instrument,
It would disgust me.
Sir Reu. You are wondrous kind;
But, pray you, tell me, is this favourite,
Or turnkey of your council, in the rank
Of generous Hectors? I would be resolv'd,
For it concerns me.
Tin. Pray, good sir, as how?
Sir Reu. Since 'tis my fate, I would be branched nobly,
Lest mine adulterate line degenerate,
And raze the ancient splendour of mine house,
As many noble families have done
By mixing with inferior apple-squires,
Grooms, pages, ushers, which in time begot
Such middle wits in this our middle region,
None could distinguish them from Corydons,
Nor well discover whence they might derive
Their prime descent, unless it were by th' crest
Their footmen wore, or what their coach presented
In its rear quarter. All your Sir Reuben begs
Aims mainly at your honour's privilege,
Which shielded, I'm secure; and it is this:
"Let choice hands meddle with your tinder-box!"
Tin. Make that your least of fears. We'll keep our fame,
Amidst this freedom, still unblemished.
Knights. So we have all receiv'd their final answers.
Sir Reu. Now[140] do I mean to draw up my rejoinder.
"He who will lose his wits or break his heart
For such a wench as will not take his part,
And will not shun what he may safely fly,
May he a Bedlam or a beggar die!"
Knights. Farewell, inconstant ladies.
Ladies. Adieu, constant Acteons.
[Exeunt omnes, the Ladies ushered in by their Confidants.
ACT III., SCENE 1.
Enter Two Citizens.
1st Cit. Is it for certain that the duke's voyage holds for Salamanca?
2d Cit. No doubt on't; his resolution is so firmly fixed no motion can decline it; and if we may credit Fame (which seldom errs in all, though it exceed in many), never was fleet more bravely rigged, better prepared, nor with more military strength furnished, nor more virile spirits accompanied, nor by more expert commanders at any time since the battle of Lepanto conducted.
1st Cit. It was thought he would not personally have engaged himself in this adventure, but have deputed some experienced general for perfecting this grand design, and imposing a final period to an action of such high consequence.
2d Cit. 'Tis true: but those many aggrievances, aggravated with numerous petitions presented by our Seville merchants, wrought such strong effects upon the sweet, compassionate nature of the good duke, as endeared that[141] resentment, which he retained upon those merchants' relation, touching the infinitely surcharging losses which they had suffered through the hostile piracy of the Salamancans, as he made a solemn vow to engage himself in their quarrel, and either revenge the injuries and indignities they had sustained, or seal his just desires with the sacrifice of his dearest life.
1st Cit. Were the merchant-losses great?
2d Cit. In shipping infinite, and by accomptants of approved trust computed to many millions; for, besides vessels of lesser burthen in one sea-voyage being driven by contrary winds upon the coasts of Calabria, they lost at one time The Panther, Libbard,[142] Bugle, Antelope, caracts[143] of great and formidable sail, such as would have made their party good against all assailants, had they not been dispersed and weakened by violent tempests, besides the unexpected hurricane, which dashed all the endeavours of the best pilots that all their fleet afforded: yet, reduced to this strait and sad exigent, they found no islander so compassionate as to pity their deplorable condition, but rather such as were ready to add fresh affliction to their late suffering, by seizing on whatsoever remained estimable in their freeborn vessels, and exposing them, without the least remonstrance of humanity or civil hospitality, to the mercy of the winds. This it was which winged the duke to this expedition, choosing, as report goes, the Revenge for his ship-of-war, and that only man-of-war wherein he means to steer his course, return his errand, and requite his quarrel.
1st Cit. The duke's a person of a gallant spirit.
2d Cit. I dare affirm it, sir, that the state of Seville was never with more prowess, prudence, nor martial policy at any time managed, which not only his prosperous exploits abroad (than which none were more successive[144]), but likewise his vigilant care and command at home, may sufficiently manifest. For his late declaration under his great seal has discovered the incomparable zeal he had of serving both court and city, in commanding all such useless and incommodious weeds as trepanners, tarpaulins, with all our abusively entitled Hectors, that they should by a peremptory day depart the city and line of communication in relation to the court: since which time they have resolved, for want of better supplies, to hazard the remainder of their broken fortunes upon a desperate adventure for Tunis.
1st Cit. In such glorious designs, levelling at honour, they declare themselves really Hectors.
Enter a Mariner.
2d Cit. What news, Segasto?
Mar. The duke's upon his march, and near approaching.
1st Cit. How quick's his spirit to redress our wrongs!
[Citizens stand aside.[145]
SCENE II.
Trumpets and kettle-drums sounding, with other martial music usually observed in that country.
Enter Duke Eugenio, Officers, and Soldiers with colours displayed.
Duke. Thus far on our address![146] May prosperous gales
Breathe on our sails: sails, on our just designs
In vindicating of our country's fame,
Too long impair'd by suffering injuries;
Till which redress'd, our honour lies at stake,
And we made aliens to our own estate.
March on then bravely, that it may appear
"Our courage can revenge as well as bear."
[They march over the stage with trumpets, fifes, drums, and colours, and go out; manentibus civibus.
1st Cit. This gallant resolve of the duke, pursued with such alacrity, can never be sufficiently admired; and to engage his person, too, in so perilous adventure!
2d Cit. And all this in vindication of the merchants' honour, and their interest.
1st Cit. Trust me, he appears bravely.
2d Cit. His disposition from his youth foretold
What's manhood would assay——whence comes this noise?
Enter Boy.
Boy. Room for our bravoes, cadets! they march along in ranks and files; their pockets grow shallow; the taverns and ordinaries they vow to be infidels, so as they have enlisted themselves soldiers of fortune.
1st Cit. These be those trepanners whom the duke
Has proscribed, or I mistake it.
Let us observe their posture.
SCENE III.
Enter Captain, Trepanners, Tarpaulins, with other runagadoes, orderly marching, and in the rear, Benhadad, a Quaker, with tobacco-pipes.
1st Tre. Rouse, buckets and tubs! Hey for Tunis and Argiers.[147]
Capt. Keep your ranks, my comrades, and fight valiantly.
2d Tre. What else, captain? We cheated before for nothing, and now, having nothing, we mean to fight for something.
3d Tre. 'Slid, bullies, I think the duke has done us a pleasure.
1st Tre. Pray thee, how, boy?
3d Tre. I'll tell thee the short and long on't. Before, if any of us had been so valiant (as few of us were) as to borrow money on the highway, we were sometimes forced to repay it at the gibbet: but the world is turned upside down; if we get it, we may keep it, and never answer for it.
1st Tre. Hey, boy, art thou in that lock?[148] But, noble lance-presado,[149] let us have a sea-sonnet, before we launch forth in our adventure-frigate. They say the syrens love singing.
Capt. Agreed, wags. But which shall we have?
1st Tre. That old catch of Tunis and Argiers; good captain, it suits best with our voyage.
Capt. To't then, my Hectors; and keep your elas[150] as you do your march. The syrens will not relish you, if you sing out o' tune.[151]
The Sea-Song.[152]
Capt. To Tunis and to Argiers, boys!
Great is our want, small be our joys.
Let's then some voyage take in hand
To get us means by sea or land.
Come, follow me, my boys, come follow me,
And if thou die, I'll die with thee.
[They join in the close.
Hast thou a wife? I have one too,
And children some, as well as thou;
Yet who can see his brats to starve
So long as he has strength to serve?
Come, follow me, my cubs, come follow me,
And if thou die, I'll die with thee.
[He fixeth his eyes as upon objects in a landskip.
Methinks, my boys, I see the store
Of precious gems and golden ore;
Arabian silks and sables pure
Would make an haggard stoop to th' lure.
Come, follow me, &c.
No worthless mind e'er honour sought;
Let's fight as if we feared nought.
If bullets fly about our ears,
Let's laugh at death, and banish fears.
Come, follow me, &c.
And if thou canst not live so stench,[153]
But thou must needs enjoy thy wench,
If thou, my boy, such pleasure crave,
A dainty doxy thou shalt have.
Come, follow me, &c.
Courage, my sparks, my knights o' th' sun;
Let Seville fame what we have done.
We'd better ten times fight a foe
Than once for all to Tyburn go.
Come, follow me, &c.
Come, let's away, mount, march away;
This calm portends a prosperous day.
When we return, it shall be said
That by our voyage we are made.
Come, follow me, &c.
But if we ne'er again return,
Enclose our ashes in an urn,
And with them spice a wassal-cup,
And to Good Fellows drink it up.
Come, follow me, &c.
Which health, when it is gone about,
And stoutly set their foot unto't,
No doubt they shall enrolled be
I' th' Book of Fame, as well as we.
Come, follow me, spruce sprigs, come follow me,
And, if thou fall, I'll fall with thee.
Enter a rank of Tarpaulins, pressed for the same adventure, marching over the stage, and joining in the catch, an health-cup in the leader's hand.
Tar. When this grand health is gone about,
Where you as stoutly stood unto't,
Doubt not you shall recorded be
I' th' Book of Fame, as well as we.
March after me, &c.
And when this bowl shall run so round
Your legs can stand upon no ground,
Fear not, brave blades,[154] but you shall be
Sworn brothers made as well as we.
March after me, &c.
No other obsequies we crave,
Nor quaint inscriptions on our grave;
A simple shroud's a soldier's share,
Which if he want he needs not care.
March after me, &c.
Such vails are all we wish at last,
Which if we want, the care is past.
This done, to think of us were just—
Who drink not get[155] as dry as dust.
March after me, &c.
While you act what we did before,
Discharge with chalk[156] the hostess' score;
And if the hussy[157] challenge more,
Charm th' maundring gossip with your roar.
March after me, we'll frolic be,
And, if thou die, I'll die with thee.
SCENE IV.
Benhadad furiously accosts them.
Ben. I proclaim you all Edomites; dragooners of Dagon; ding-dongs of Dathan! A generation of vipers!
1st Tre. No, father Benhadad, your gravity is mistaken grossly; we are rather a generation of pipers!
[They smoke tobacco.
2d Tre. Go to, holy Benhadad; stand you to your calling as we to our arms. Thou art for converting the Great Turk, and we for lining our pockets with Tunis gold. Where if we get our design, hold to thy principles, but no further than thou canst maintain them, and we shall create thee our household chaplain.
Enter Mariner.
Mar. To sea, to sea! the winds are prosperous.
Capt. And may we prosper with them! So farewell Seville and her dainty doxies.
All. Ran-tan! hey for Tunis and Argiers!
[Exeunt colours displayed, with fifes and drums.
1st Cit. Such was the duke's care to remove those weeds,
Whose fatal growth might choke maturer seeds.
2d Cit. Good governors wise gardeners imitate:
These cheer their plants; those steer a planted state.
[Exeunt.
Tril. [From the high gallery.] I cannot, gentlemen, contain myself.
Tim. Thy genius has surpass'd itself;
Thy scene is richly various: prease on still;
These galleries applaud thy comic skill.
[He takes his seat again.
SCENE V.
Enter Constable and Watch, in rug gowns, bills, and dark lanthorns.
Con. Come along with your horns, my lads of metal. It was the duke's pleasure before his departure, that we should be appointed the sinks and sentinels of the city, and that none shall have ingress, egress, or regress but by our special authority and favour. But, harm watch, harm catch: for my part, since I crept into this office, I am woven into such a knot of good fellowship, as I can watch no more than a dormouse: nay, I am verily persuaded, if I hold constable long, the deputy of the ward will return me one of the Seven Sleepers. But let me advise you, my birds of the Capitol, that you walk not after my example: be it your care to watch, while I sleep. Many eyes are upon you; but my eyes grow heavy; my day's society bids me take a nap.
Watch. But one word, good master, before you drop into your slumber: report goes, that there be spirits that patrol familiarly in this sentry; what shall we say to them, if they pass by?
Con. Bid them stand.[158]
Watch. But what if they either cannot or will not?
Con. Let them then take themselves to their heels, and thank God you are so well rid of them.
Watch. One word more, good constable, and then good night. Be these the spirits that allure our children with spice and trinkets to their schippers, and so convey them to th' Bermudas?[159]
Con. In no wise, neighbours; these spirits come from the low countries: and though at first sight very frightful, yet, appearing unarmed, they become less fearful.
1st Watch. Nay, if these pretty familiars come to our guard naked,[160] we shall prove hard enough for them.
2d Watch. Well, neighbour Rugweed, let us not presume too far on our strength: these spirits be a dangerous kind of whifflers, and, like our Robin Goodfellows, will play their legerdemain tricks, scudding here and there in a trice, and nimbly snap you, when least suspected.
SCENE VI.
Enter Gallerius' Ghost.
From the Cinnerian depth here am I come
Leaving an Erra Pater in my tomb,
To take a view, which of my fellows be
The thriving'st artists in astronomy.
Rank one by one in astrologic row,
And dying see, whom thou didst living know.
[He makes his figure.
Mount, gainful Crinon; for to thee we give,
As thou deserv'st, the sole prerogative:
For thy divining lines have purchas'd more
Than all our prime professors got before.
Jason won much at Colchis; but thy gain
Has lin'd thy shoulders in a Swedish chain.
Rich divination! But what's knowledge worth,
If people do not credit what's set forth?
Omnia temporibus cecinit Cassandra futuris. Quæ ventura suis—via unquam credita Teucris Melitus.
This was Cassandra's loss, whom we allow
And hold a prophetess as true as thou
But not so well believ'd. Take heed, my blade,
Thy late predictions cannot retrograde,
And give thine erring notions such a check,
As they unlink that chain which decks thy neck.
Signs sometimes change their influence, we see:
I wish the like event befall not thee.
The golden number and saturnian line
Have been propitious to thee all thy time:
Thy says held oracles: thy observations
For death, war, weather, held by foreign nations
As positive maxims: yet one critical point
Will throw this artful fabric out o' joint.
Dog-days each year affords; if thou find none,
Thy fortune's clearer far than any one.
Let me then caution thee, divining Crinon,
Lest thy own bosom prove thy treach'rous Sinon,
Let not opinion make thy judgment err:
"The ev'ning conquest crowns the conqueror."
Hope of reward or one victorious field
Is no firm ground for any one to build.
May ill success clothe him with discontent,
That balanceth the cause by the event.
Next him ascend, Erigonus, whose art,
Richly embellish'd with a loyal heart,
Will not permit thy thoughts to stoop so low
As to pretend more than thy notions know,
Or can attain to. Thou hast ta'en content
With as much freedom under strait restraint,
As Pibrack in his paradox express'd,
Inwardly cheer'd when outwardly distress'd.
I have much mus'd, while thou convers'd with us
Of the gradations o' th' Celestial House,
Yet hadst none of thine own to shelter thee.
This was an humour that transported me:
To see a mind so large, and to discourse
As if he had got Fortunatus' purse!
This caus'd me think that we did greatly err
In holding thee a mere astrologer,
Though't be a sacred-secret speculation,
And highly meriting our admiration:
But rather some rare stoic, well content
With his estate, however the world went.
Yet when I saw thine artificial scheme
Exactly drawn, as none of more esteem,
I wonder'd much how such choice art could want,
Unless the whole world were grown ignorant.
I heard of late, what I did never dream,
Thy farming life had drawn thee to a team,
Preferring th' culture of an husbandman
Before a needful astrologian,
Who in this thankless age may pine and die,
Before he profit by astronomy.
For though I must confess an artist can
Contrive things better than another man,
Yet when the task is done, he finds his pains
Nought[161] but to fill his belly with his brains.
Is this the guerdon due to liberal arts,
T' admire the head, and then to starve the parts?
Timely prevention thou discreetly us'd,
Before the fruits of knowledge were abus'd.
"When learning has incurr'd a fearful damp,
To save our oil 'tis good to quench our lamp."
Rest, then, on thy enjoyments, and receive
What may preserve a life, reserve a grave.
This with convenience may supply thy store,
And lodge thee with content: what wouldst thou more?
While he who thirsts for gold, and does receive it,
Pules like a baby when he's forc'd to leave it.
For you, Liberius, I would have you look
For your improvement on your table-book;
Where you shall find how you bore once a name
Both in the rank of fortune and of fame;
But others, rising to a higher merit,
Darken'd that splendour which you did inherit,
Or those mistakes which caus'd you err so far,
As your late years have proved canicular.
To waste more paper I would never have you,
For I'm resolv'd your book will never save you,
Nor you from it receive a benefit.
Suppress, then, pray thee, thy leaf-falling wit;
Merlin's Collections will not serve thy turn,
Retire, retire, and slumber in thine[162] urn.
Dotage has chill'd thy brain: in silence sleep;
"He's wise enough that can his credit keep."
For you, Columba, and rare Peregrine,
It is your fate to nestle in a clime
Of disadvantage: Wisdom bids you build
Where you may dwell, and sow in such a field,
Where you may reap the harvest you have sown:
"Arts unimprov'd are to no purpose shown."
Those only may be truly said to know,
Whose knowledge pays their country what they owe;
And (with the bee) from labour never cease,
Till they have stor'd their hives with sweet increase.
Which thriving industry, infus'd by nature
In such a small political a creature,
Might by a native model render thee
Conducts of science in astrology:
Saltibus hirsutis haud spatiantur apes.
For she accounts it as a fruitless toil
To browse on suckets in a barren soil.
For you, Alatus, mount with airy wing,
And to [your] scatter'd nest some feathers bring:
Though popular esteem afford delight,
It cannot satisfy the appetite.
Fame is a painted meat, and cannot feed
Nor sate the stomach when it stands in need.
This was mine own condition; while I liv'd,
I to the highest pitch of fame arriv'd;
All the Rialto sounded with my praise,
Yet silence shrouded this within few days;
For after some few funeral tears were shed,
My memory died, before tears went to bed.
Yea, in my lifetime, when my state grew low,
My fame found none she would conduct me to:
And let this caution thee. Though thou swell great
In men's conceit, this will not get thee meat.
"The only means to raise friends, fame, and store,
Is to make industry thy providor."
For Atro-Lucus Serands, they be such
I would not touch them, lest I should too much
Impeach their branded fames: one word for all—
As their disgrace is great, their knowledge small:
Let these demoniacs practise less in black,
It will discolour all their almanac.
But this was not my errand. I would know
How ladies with their husbands suit below.
Those frolic girls, I mean, and of none else,
Who were induc'd by mine and Crinon's spells
[Mephistophilus appears and resolves him.
To choose strange bedfellows. Pray, tell me how,
Dear Mephistophilus, those wantons do.
Meph. All out of joint: they've left their husbands' bed.
Gal. By this it seems they were not rightly wed;
There was no justice in't: for if there had,
Should they break loose, they would be judged mad.
But now mine hour approacheth; I must pass
Down to that vault where late I lodged was.
Fix, Mephistophilus, this on that gate,
That those who knew me may collect my fate.
[Mephistophilus having fixed this inscription on the portal of the gate, they descend.
Inscription.
The Astronomical Anatomy in a shadowed physnomy, recommended to posterity, dissected and presented in the empirical ghost of D. Nicholas Gallerius. ——Facilis descensus Averni.
Enter Watch distraughtedly, letting fall their lanthorns.
Watch. Spirits, spirits, spirits!
Enter Constable, rubbing his eyes.
Con. Where, where, where?
Watch. Here, there, and everywhere;
Now in the porter's lodge, then in the air!
Con. A foutre for such ranging mawkins! I'll tell you, fellow-officers—for I have been since my weaning sufficiently schooled in the office of a constable—that we have no legislative power (do you mark me?) to commit any person, be he never so notorious a delinquent, if he fly or (as our falconers say) mount up into th' air. We are not bound to follow him, neither to attach nor commit him. And why? says the law. Because it is not in our power to catch him. But if he strut in the street, you may command him to come before me the Constable, as I am the representative body of the duke; or before yourselves, being the representative body of your Constable; and if the person so taken remain under safe custody, and he fly, if you overtake him by speed of foot, or by help of the bellman's mongrel, you may by the law of arms lay him by th' heels.
[Dismiss the Watch, and exeunt.
SCENE VII.
Enter Sir Amadin Puny, Sir Jasper Simpleton, Sir Arthur Heartless, Sir Gregory Shapeless, Sir Tristram Shorttool, Sir Reuben Scattergood.
Sir Reu. Doubt nothing, my fellow-knights of Hornsey; the plot is so neatly and nimbly laid as it cannot but hold stitch.
All. But be the favourites' suits got, Sir Reuben?
Sir Reu. They are brought to our lodgings already. To try a conclusion, I have most fortunately made their pages our 'coys by the influence of a white powder, which has wrought so powerfully on their tender pulse, as they have engaged themselves ours back and edge. Sunt munera vincula servis.
Sir Tris. 'Tis true, but how shall we pursue this project, that we may act to purpose what your ingenuity has contrived?
Sir Reu. Leave that to me; be it your care to follow my direction, and if I make not these haxters as hateful to our hussies as ever they were to us who were their husbands, set me up for a Jack-a-Lent or a Shrove-cock for every boy to throw at! The net is spread, and if they 'scape the noose, they must have more eyes than their own to discover it.
Sir Ama. Excellent, excellent! I long till I be at work.
Sir Reu. It will admit no delay, Sir Amadin, I assure you. We have not overwatched this night to no purpose. This very morning by times we must be fitted with our properties, and with a scornful neglect pass by that rendezvous where our gamesome ladies expect their youthful Platonics.
Sir Gre. Revenge to me 's far sweeter than to live.
All. To't, to't; for love's sake, let us to't.
Sir Reu. The plot is laid with such industrious skill,
If this take not, I do not know what will.
[Exeunt.
ACT IV., SCENE 1.
Enter Madam Fricase, Madam Caveare, Madam Julippe, Madam Joculette, Madam Medlar, Madam Tinder.
Fri. How tedious morns these be in our expectance
Of what we tender most?
Cav. Credit me, madam,
My marriage-day from th' rising sun to night
Seem'd not so long, though it was long enough—
As the slow-running course of this morn's visit.
Jul. Desires cannot endure protractive hours;
The poet has confirm'd our thoughts in this,
Placing our action far below our wish:
"Sooner quenched is love's fire
With fruition than desire."
Joc. That poet surely was neither Mantuan, Lucian, nor Claudian.
Med. No, sister; nor Alcæus, Eubæus, nor Apuleius; but some cold cucumber-spirit—Xenocrates, who never actually knew how to hug his mistress.
Tin. This is the hour and place.
Fri. It is so; and no doubt but our feathered favourites have overflown us.
SCENE II.
Enter Vintress and Drawers.
Vin. What do you lack, my princely beauties?
Cav. What your sex cannot furnish us with, my dainty Dabrides.
Did you entertain no gallants lately?
Vin. Not any, madam; but gallants are men of their words; they will stand to their tacking upon occasion: will you be pleased, noble ladies, in their absence to bestow yourselves in a room; or, to procreate yourselves, take a turn in the garden?
Med. 'Slid, does she hold us for Andalusian studs,[163] that can breed by the air, or procreate of ourselves?
Fri. Well, her meaning is good; we will accept her offer, and take a walk or a cheerful repose at our pleasure: and in it let each of us, for want of more real objects, entertain an imaginary apprehension of their absent lover.
[Knocking within.
Draw. Anon, anon, sir; quick, quick as Erebus, good Jeremy! Uds so, what a chattering they make? I verily think our old Tityre Tu's and Bugle Blews are come to town, they keep such a damnable quarter.
2d Draw. They knock as they were madmen in the percullis. Quick, quick; more attendants in the Unicorn. There goes none to the Antwerp. The Lion and the Roebuck[164] have not one drawer to attend them. Who goes into the Ladies' Garden?[165]
1st Draw. We shall have a brave term, if we stir not our stumps better.
[Exeunt.
The Ladies' Garden.—Jullippe, &c.
Jul. Th' Elysian groves so richly beautified,
Deck'd with the tufted verdure: watered
With crystal rills, and cloth'd above conceit
In native diap'ry: may emblems be
Of this delicious platform, where each sense
May sate its quest with sweet satiety.
Joc. And th' edifying sense with melody.
[Voices of nightingales.
Dum Philomela canit, spinum sub pectore figit: Crimen ut incestus se meminisse dolet.
Hark, how that ev'ning quire of nightingales
Warble with shrillest notes, pricks at their breasts,
Tereus' incestuous crime; as if't had been
A fact inexpiable: wherein we doubt,
What we should do, if [we] were put unto't.
This is a garden, sure, of great frequent.
Cav. Lucullus nor the Roman Argentine
Had ne'er the like: nor with completer beauties
More gracefully embellish'd: it might be
Styl'd the Spring Garden for variety
Of all delights: balls, treats, and choice invites,
Address'd for amorous parliance; and indeed
To make the bargain up—you know my meaning.
Fri. Thou art a dang'rous beagle. What say you, ladies?
In this perpetual spring-like sweet retire,
To gratify her court'sy and conduct,
Who tender'd these respects: let's have a frolic—
A jovial frolic, till the Platonics come.
Whom we must chide, and with some discontent
Tax for their slowness.
All. The motion's wondrous good;
We all assent to't.
Joc. But in this assent
Scatter such freedom as it may appear
Our fortunes be our own: and that no eye
Of jealousy or parsimonious thrift
Can bound our humour. Let's call up the drawer.
[They ring the bell.
Enter Drawer.
Draw. Your pleasures, madams?
All. What hast within, boy?
Draw. Cakes, creams, stewed prunes, olivets, tongues, tarts, and——
Cav. What else, you Jack-of-all-trades! Doth your mistress take us, you nitty-napry rascal, for her bordella's blouses?[166]
Bring us here pistachio nuts,
Strengthening oringo roots.
Quince, peach, and preserv'd apricock,
With the stones pendant to't.[167]
With such incentive and salacious cates,
As quicken hours, and sharpen appetite.
Draw. You shall, you shall, madam;—on my life, these be the ladies of the New Dress; they'll never be satisfied.
[Aside. Exit.
Cav. Let us imagine ourselves now to be planted in the Sparagus Garden, where if we want anything, it is our own fault. A fair alimony needs no pawn; it will discharge a tavern-bill at any time.
SCENE III.
Enter again the Vintress and Drawer with wine and fruit.
Vin. How is it, noble ladies? Your honours shall want no rarities that our storehouse may afford you.
Cav. A glass of muscadella for me. Here, Madam Fricase, to Monsieur Florello!
[Drinks.
Fri. This court'sy, madam, must not beget in you a forgetfulness of Caranto.
Cav. So nearly he's unbosomed, you need not fear it.
Jul. Nectarella for me. Here, princely Joculette, to your Salibrand!
[Drinks.
Joc. Meantime, remember loyal Palisado.
Jul. No individual can be well forgot.
Med. Medea shall be mine. This, Madam Tinder, to your Tillyvally!
[Drinks.
Tin. First to your own Morisco! So, this health's gone round.
Fri. Now when our throats are clear, let's join together
In some choice musical air.
All. Agreed, agreed,
What shall we have?
Fri. What may enliven love,
And feather fancy with Icarian wings.
All. We must be mounting then. Your subject, madam?
Fri. Le Drollere Amaranto.
All. Dainty airs,
And lines to suit them: we shall follow you.
Song, in various Airs.
What shall we poor ladies do,
Match'd to shallops without brains,
Whose demains[168] are in grains,
And their wits in madding veins,
Stor'd with Neapolitan mains?
Give us sprightly sprigs of manhood,
None of these swads nor airy squibs,
Who would fain do, but cannot.
[They alter the air upon the close of every stanza.
Poor ladies, how we dwindle?
Who can spin without a spindle?
Valour never learn'd to tremble,
But in Cupid's dalliance nimble.
Little good does that stud with a stallion,
Fancies alien, weakly jointed,
Meanly mann'd, worse appointed,
Who would do, if he knew how,
But, alas! he would, but cannot.
Penelope, though she were chaste,
Yet she bade her spouse make haste,
Lest by his sojourning long
She might chance to change her song,
And do her Ulysses wrong;
What then may we, who matched be
With these haggards madly manned,
Who would gladly do, but cannot?
Shall our youthful hopes decline;
Fade and perish in their prime:
And like forc'd Andromeda
Estrang'd from fancy's law!
Shall we wives and widows be,
Bound unto a barren tree?
Ushers come and apple-squires
To complete our free desires:
Platonics there be store
Fitly fram'd and train'd to man it.
Bavin once set afire
Will not so soon expire;
Let's never stay with such as they,
Who gladly would, but cannot.
Shall we love, live, and feel no heat
While our active pulses beat?
Shall we hug none of our own,
But such as drop from th' frigid zone?
Let's rather suit old love adieu,
And i' th' requests suit for some new
Who have the heart to man it.
Tell us not this nor tell us that;
A kid is better than a cat,
And though he show, we know not what,
He cannot.
Fri. As I'm a virgin, ladies, bravely performed!
Once more Frontiniac, and then a walk.
[She drinks.
This wine wants flavour, sapour, odour, vigour;
Taste it, dear madam, 'tis as pall and flat
As a sear fly-flap.
Draw. Our last year's vintage, madam, was but small.
Cav. It seems so by your measure: this would never
Quicken the spirit nor inflame the blood.
[One of the Ladies, looking out, discovers their deserted Knights attired like their favourites, with their cloaks over their faces.
Lady. They come, they come, they come!
All. Let's entertain them with a joint neglect.
SCENE IV.
As their husbands pass along, they take occasion of discourse one with another.
Knights. Let us pass by them with regardless scorn.
Sir Reu. Pox on these overacting prostitutes!
They sate mine appetite.
[They interchange these expresses as they pass by their Ladies' room.
Sir Tris. Fancy so fed
Begets a surfeit, ere it gets to bed.
Sir Gre. Ere I Platonic turn or Confidant,
Or an officious servant to a puss,
Whose honour lies at stake, let me become
A scorn to my relations.
Sir Art. Or when I
Engage my person, like a profess'd bolt,
To vindicate a mistress, who for sale
Would set her soul at hazard, may my grave
Be in the kennel, and the scavenger
The penman of my epitaph!
Sir Jas. Or I
Embrace a monkey for a mass of treasure.
Sir Ama. May never down seize on this downless chin,
When I become an usher to her sin.
Sir Reu. So, let them chaw of this. Our scene is done,
We'll leave the rest to their digestion:
We must return those Adamites their clothes
To make their visits in, or they're lost men;
But it were strange, should they recruit again.
[Exeunt.
SCENE V.
Fri. How is it, ladies?
Cav. Sure, we're in a dream.
Whence comes this strangeness?
Jul. From the too much freedom
Of our affection: had we kept them still,
At a discreeter distance, we had play'd
The wiser falc'ners, and caus'd them stoop
Unto our lure with eager appetite.
Fruits offer'd are least valu'd: got by stealth
Or by surprise, they're precious.
Joc. Shall we sleep
With this affront?
Med. Our spirits were remiss,
Should we not pay them home in their own coin.
Tin. Let Tinder lose her name, her family,
And alimony (which she values most),
If Tilly suffer not for this disgrace.
All. We vow the like: revenge may be excus'd,
For love resolves to hate when 'tis abus'd.
[Exeunt.
SCENE VI.
The Favourites appear to their half-bodies in their shirts, in rooms above.
Flo. Why, you whoreson rogue! where's my suit? As I hope for mercy, I am half-persuaded that this slip-halter has pawned my clothes.
Car. Nay, as our rooms be near, our fates are all alike.
If my visit be admitted, I must present it naked.
Joc. When she sees her Salibrand so unmodiously accoutred, she will jeer him out of his periwig, and render him an Adamite cap-a-pie.
Pal. Never were servants without a dress less suitable to ladies of the New Dress.
Sal. We shall be held for salemen, or Knights of the White Livery, if we encounter them thus habited.
Mor. Nay, rather for Knights o' th' Post, who had forfeited their broked suits for want of swearing.
Til. Nay, for tumblers, truckers, or scullermen: Plato, in all his Commonweal, had never such naked followers.
[Their pages bring their clothes.
Flo. Now, you hemp-strings, had you no time to nim us, but when we were upon our visits?
Pages. Your suits, sir, were not without employment. They were seam-rent, and stood in need of stitching.
All. Go to, rogues, you will never hang well together till you be stitched in a halter.
[They attire themselves.
Pages. Well, we got more clear gains by this shift than you will by your visit.
[Aside.
Car. We trench too much upon these ladies' patience:
Better too late than never; let us haste
To crown their longing hopes with our attendance:
Delays in visits quicken our desires,
And in their objects kindle secret fires.
[They come down buttoning themselves.
Fastus in Antidotum frigoris, processit et urget Insolitos motus, lepidæque Cupidinis æstus, Vestibus amictus laceratis, alget et ardet.
—Solin.
Flo. 'Tis high meridian! we've lost the time
Of our appointed treatment.[169]
Car. Let's contrive
Some neat evasion covertly disguis'd
To bear the face of truth.
Sal. It would do well,
Let's mould it as we go unto the garden.[170]
Mor. 'Twere vain to call; they're long ere this dismiss'd.[171]
Pal. And with incens'd spirits; which t' allay
Were a receipt worth purchase.
Til. Th' wound's so green,
It must admit a cure. Our confidence
Prepares us best admittance; go along.
[Exeunt.
SCENE VII.
Enter the Alimony Ladies at the other door.
Flo. How opportunely doth this season meet
To give us freedom in our intercourse!
Mor. There is a secret influence, no doubt,
Design'd to second us in our desires.
[They go towards their Ladies.
Flo. Madam!
Fri. We were mad dames indeed, should we give freedom to such injurious favourites.
Car. This is stormy language; I ever thought our late neglect would nettle them.
[Aside.
Fri. You can affront us, sir, and with your wit
Take a deep draught of Lethe and forget!
Flo. Forget! 'Slid, I did ne'er affront you.
Fri. No?
Nor with a screw'd contemptuous look pass by us
When we were at our treat? and with a scorn
Not only slight us, but impeach our fame?
Flo. I call the heavens to witness, never I!
Fri. Perfidious wretch! this did I hear and see,
And such records cannot deluded be.
Your words, sir, are regist'red.
Flo. Pray, let's hear them.
Fri. You begun first with what your ulcerous flesh,
If I be not deceiv'd, infected is.
[The Favourites, as they appeared to their half-bodies in the preceding scene: so the deserted Knights become spectators of those public affronts done them by their Ladies: only presenting themselves, and so withdrawing.
Hus. Hah, hah, hah! how neatly be these widgeons catcht in their own springes!
Trillo from the gallery.
Bravely continued, Timon, as I live;
Each subtle strain deserves a laurel sprig.
Fri. "Pox on these overacting prostitutes
They sate mine appetite."
Car. What might I say,
That should disrelish Madam Caveare?
Cav. You rant it bravely, sir. "Fancy so fed
Begets a surfeit ere it gets to bed."
Jul. You, Palisado, stand more resolute;
"Ere I Platonic turn or Confidant,
Or an officious servant to a puss
Whose honour lies at stake, let me become
A scorn to my relations."
Joc. "Or when I"
(Thus I deblazon you, base Salibrand)
"Engage my person, like a profess'd bolt
To vindicate a mistress, who for sale
Would set her soul at hazard, may my grave
Be in the kennel, and the scavenger
The penman of my epitaph."
Med. "Or I"
(Thus you renounce your Medlar, Don Morisco)
"Embrace a monkey for a mass of treasure."
Tin. Nor would Sir Tilly be one hair behind
In scornful dereliction of our sex.
"May never down seize on his downless chin,
When he becomes an usher to our sin."
Flo. The devil's a witch, and has impostur'd them.
All Pla. Do you believe all this!
Ladies. As we do you,
Stains to true love and all society!
Henceforth observe your distance, as you tender
Fame, freedom, life: else we do vow revenge
Shall dog you at the heels.
Flo. So, we are lost;
We must go cast about for some new aërie:
For these be fledg'd and flown.
Car. By this prevention
I'll hate a mistress of such rare invention.
Pal. It seems their spleens for picking quarrels sought,
In pressing what we neither spake nor thought.
[Exeunt.
SCENE VIII.
Enter Two Seville Merchants.
1st Mer. Our Duke Eugenio is safe return'd,
Laden with trophies, spoils, and victories.
2d Mer. Those Hectors, too, who launched forth for Tunis,
Have shown their valour, and enrich'd their fortunes,
Which languish'd in despair before this voyage,
Above expectance; rich rixdollars are
Sown like Pactolus' sand: their pockets cramm'd
With Indian ore.
1st Mer. What will not prowess do,
Where hope of honour, promise of reward,
Or country's fame—th' attractiv'st lure of all—
Give spirit to men's actions?
2d Mer. This appears
Instanc'd in them to life:[172] for by their hazard,
Successfully completed, foreign sails
Ne'er came so richly fraughted.
1st Mer. It were well
The rest of our stout myrmidons, whose courage
Stands for the wall, or in a tavern quarrel
Or an highway's surprise, to raise a stock
To feed their debauch'd visits, were so employ'd
It would secure our commerce.
2d Mer. This good duke
Will regulate, no doubt, his state-affairs
With that composure, as no fruitless weed
Shall promise to itself long nourishment
Within the coast of Seville. What means this?
[A noise of clarions, surdons, fifes, plausulets, within.
Messenger. The Duke's approaching in triumphant state.
Herald. Make clear the way; room for his excellence!
Never did Seville show more like herself
Nor beautifi'd with a more graceful presence
Since her foundation.
ACT V., SCENE 1.
Enter Duke, trumpets and drums sounding, colours victoriously displayed. Field-Officers with Soldiers martially ordered in rank and file.
Her. What a majesty
Without all servile affectation
His personating presence, cloth'd with state
And princely posture, seems to represent!
All. Conquest and affability contend
Which to his count'nance may pretend most right.
His spirit's too evenly poised to be transported
With the success of fortune. Let us hear him.
Duke. Safely arriv'd, thanks to the pow'rs above,
Here are we come: our enemies subdu'd,
Our wrongs redress'd, our merchants satisfi'd:
No foreign force t' oppose us. Thus has time
Crown'd our addresses with triumphant palms,
And by just war begot a thankful peace.
All. Long live Eugenio, Seville's governor!
Duke. Our constant care shall gratify your love.
Meantime, let these brave soldiers sharers be
In our success: whom you and we're to hold
Such joint assistants in our victories,
As their redoubted prowess merits fame,
And competent rewards to recompense
Their noble service: for (believe it, friends)
Never were hazards better seconded,
Nor by their valour to a period
Sooner reduced; so prosperous was our fight
In dark'ning those who took away our light.
And having now compos'd these broils abroad,
We're to look homeward, and redress those wrongs
Which nestle in the bosom of our state:
So much more dang'rous, because connivance
Has wrought them into habits. These, we fear,
Pretend a privilege, because the face
Of greatness gives them count'nance. But our laws
Must be no spider-webs, to take small flies,
And let the great ones 'scape. We have resolv'd
"Greatness shall be no subterfuge to guilt."
This must we act with speed, and closely too;
For secrecy, wing'd with celerity,
Be the two wheels which manage moral states
And martial actions. After short repose,
These we'll chastise; and by a due survey,
As just complaints shall be exhibited,
Measure our censure to the peccants' crime.
Nor must we spin our time: we have design'd
Our very next day for aggrievances
Of court and city, where our absence might
Admit, perchance, more freedom to offend.
"The only way to salve a deep disease
Is to give what may cure, not what may please.
Wherein delays prove worst: artists apply
Receipts, before distempers grow too high."
[Exit, tubis et tympanis sonantibus; conspicuo aulicorum et stratiotum cœtu comitante.
All. Under such guardians may we live and die.
[Exeunt plebeii.
SCENE II.
Enter a Regiment of Trepanners and Tarpaulins, with drum and colours, gallantly marching in their victorious return and prosperous success from Tunis.
1st Off. Sa-sa.
2d Off. Ran-tan.
3d Off. Tara-tantara. Thus far from the Isle of Canary. Is not this better, my boys, than trepanning an old drolling friar for a sequestered bond?—Hey boys, here be those Indian rats that cant and chirp in my pocket, as if after a long apprenticeship they sought to be made freemen.
[He shakes his pocket.
But I must not yet enlarge them.
2d Off. O ye pitiful simpletons, who spend your days in throwing cudgels at Jack-a-Lents or Shrove-cocks!
3d Off. Nay, in making gooselings in embers: and starting as if they were planet-struck at the weak report of a pot-gun.
1st Off. My wish shall be for all that puisne pen-feathered aërie of buzzardism[173] and stanielry:[174]
"That such as they who love to stay to suck their mamma's teat,
May live at home, but ne'er find one to give them clothes or meat."
Lancepres. Come along, wags; let's in a frolic way march to our old friends in new suits, and reserve a screwed look for a threepenny ordinary.
2d Off. Along, along! but utter not too much language, honest pockets, till a question be asked you.
[He shakes his pocket.
All. Hey for a fee-farm rent in Tunis!
[Exeunt capering.
SCENE III.
Enter two Country Boors.
Hus. Content thee, content thee, Christabel.
Wife. Yes, surely, that's a trim word; but when, trow you, had I it? As I am an honest woman, I have been this goodman Fumbler's wife so many years, and he never yet gave me content. 'Tis such a dry pilchard, he deserves nothing more than basting.
Hus. Fie, Christabel! fie, for shame! hold thy trattles; is it my fault if thou be barren?
Wife. Barren, you cods-head! Lies the fault there, you island cur! Nay, all the parish will witness for me that I was not barren before I met with you. Barren, stitchel![175] that shall not serve thy turn. In plain terms, Jocelin, since thou cannot content me one way, thou shalt another.
Hus. What would my duck have?
Wife. What, my drake, the law will give me.
Hus. Law!
Wife. Yes, you wizard.[176] I have already fed a glib-tongued parrot, with a coif on his head, that will trounce you.
Hus. What have I done, my malmsey?
Wife. Nay, your doing nothing, you dumpling, has brought you into this pickle. The short and the long on't is this, I will have ale-money.[177]
Hus. Ale-money! what means my chicken by that?
Wife. I have been neither so long nor ill taught by my betters, but I know the meaning of ale-money well enough. My land'slady Joculette, God bless her! is matched to as handsome a frolic youngster as one can see on a summer's day; yet she dislikes him, and has recovered a good stock of ale-money. I love to follow the example of my betters. Set your heart at rest, Jocelin; I must and will have ale-money.
Hus. Thou shalt have anything, my coney Christabel, so thou wilt rest contented.
Wife. Nay, husband, you know well that I am forced many nights to go to rest weakly contented. But, if I chance to trudge to court, I mean to lie all open; you shall hear. I intend not to lay leaves on my wounds. The duke, I hear, is a merciful man, and will not suffer any of his poor subjects to fall short of their due.
Hus. Well, girl, thou shalt find me ready to appear before his grace at any time.
Wife. You'll have a gracious bargain on't then, doubtless. Trust me, Jocelin, you will distemper all our ladies at court, if you push at the gate with your ram-horns.
Hus. She's possessed, sure.
Wife. No, not yet; but I mean shortly to be possessed of my ale-money. You shall play no more the sharking foist with me, you fumbling fiddler, you. I hope I have friends at court that will take course that I may have my whole due; and then foutre for Jocelin!
[Exit.
Hus. Well, the thought is ta'en. I see one must thank God for a shrew as well as for a sheep, though the sheep have more wool on his back, and affords a more savoury repast at the board. Hanging and wedding go by destiny, and I hold the former to be the happier destiny of the twain; yet he that will practise the art of swinging in a halter, either to please or cross a shrew's humour, let him hang like a puppy without hope of pity, and die intestate to make his wife heir on't, till some nimble younker become his successor, and, stumbling on his grave, laugh at the cuckoldly slave.
[Exit.
SCENE IV.
Enter the cashiered Confidants, in a discontented posture.
Flo. Summoned to appear! for what? What have we done?
Car. Incensed those humorous scornful ladies.
Thence rose the ground, I durst wager my beaver on't;
They ought us a spite, and their information has done't.
Pal. This falls pat on their resolves: for those disdainful wenches, in the heat of their passion, vowed jointly that revenge should kick up our heels.
Sal. Our heels are not so short, though theirs be. Should they pursue this information, it would dart highly on their dishonour.
Mor. Honour! what may that be in this age, but an airy title? These bona-robas have not lost the art of ingratiating, nor deluding their servants. There be chimneys enough at court to convey their smoke. Beauty and confidence keep strong sentinels in love's army. They cannot want solicitors in a place of liberty.
Til. Let them hold to't! Their complaints are but squibs in the air. Such whifflers are below my scorn, and beneath my spite.
Let's bravely on: I should account his fate
The worst of ills, that's foil'd by woman's hate.
Flo. Yet 'twas Alcides' heavy fate, and he
Was stronger far than twenty such as we.
[Exeunt.
SCENE V.
Enter the Alimony Ladies.
Fri. Convened to court! Some masque or princely ball, I'll gage mine honour on't. We must be employed, sisters.
Cav. And usefully too, I hope.
Jul. I see well the court can do nothing without our city revellers. Trust me, I am with child till I get to't: but my desires are enlivened for a sight of my lord especially.
Joc. Or your special lord, madam. We smell your meaning. As I am virtuous, he deserves your smile, or whatsoever may most endear him. I have known none at any time court love with a more graceful nor accurate presence. He can be both seriously amorous and amorously serious.
Med. Surely, Lady Joculette, you set him at a rate far above th' market? you value him not as if you meant to sell.
Joc. No, nor buy neither. I have no property in such a rich pennyworth; for, if I had, I should wish——
Med. I know what, madam.
Joc. Good now! thy conceit?
Med. Shall I freely unbosom me?
All. Pray thee, madam; do, madam!
Med. You would wish that, his puny baker-legs had more Essex[178] growth in them, for else they would make ill butcher's ware!
Joc. Thou art a shrewd wench, trust me.
Tin. Well, ladies, I know a new-minted lord, that can act the Spanish Don, with a peaked beard and a starched look, to an hair.
Fri. O Madam Tinder, I guess where you are; but he wants a little of your spirit. He can cringe and caress better than he dare fight. A lady's honour might perish under such a feverish champion.
Car. For love's sake, let's make haste. Nothing will be done till we come.
Enter Christabel with a crutch.
Chris. Good madam landlady, take lame Christabel along with you; she means to have a bout for her ale-money.
Joc. We shall not want, then, for handsome attendance.
[Exeunt.
SCENE VI.
Enter Gentleman-Usher.
G.-Usher. Give way! make present way for his excellence and his consuls.
Enter Duke Eugenio and his Consuls. After them the deserted Knights; the Platonic Confidants; the Alimony Ladies; the Tunis Engagers.
Duke. As we have view'd and clear'd our foreign coasts,
We're now to prune those wild luxurious sprays,
Which give impede unto this spreading vine,
Our flow'ry Seville, whose succeeding fame,
Acquir'd by civil[179] discipline, exacts
Our care and yours, grave councillors of state.
'Tis not enough with balms to close the skin,
And leave the wound t' exulcerate within;
For he, whose care's to cure the core without
And searcheth not the bottom, spoils the root.
Let's first then look on vices, which put on
The face of virtue; and where modesty
(Merely dissembled) cloth'd with taking beauty,
Arms itself strongly 'gainst all opposition.
Nay, what retains ofttimes such influence
On reverend scarlet, as it darks the light
Of judgment; and makes elders fix their eyes
On rare-light objects, which so strangely takes,
As they make judges vice's advocates.
But here's none such, I hope. Our state is free,
And so our patriots and state-consuls be.
Complaints inform us, and we wond'red much
At th' first perusal, how a feminine nature,
So sweetly pleasing, should be so deprav'd.
Fri. What means the duke?
[Aside.
Car. I relish not th' discourse.
[Aside.
Duke. Have we not here some ladies o'th' New Dress,
So newly styl'd, and in their honour soil'd,
Who have deserted whom they ought to love?
Ladies. Is this the court masque, and the ball we look'd for?
[Aside.
Duke. Be you those ladies?
Chris. I am one of them, forsooth.
Ladies. We are the same, so like your excellence.
And now redress'd.
Duke. We understand no less:
Your alimonies signed by our court!
Chris. They have not signed mine, if't please your dukeship. Truly, I am a very impudent, lame woman, and my husband a feeble, weak-doing man. Your grace must needs grant me ale-money.
Duke. See what examples, ladies, you have given
To simple women! I shall here propose
Two tenders to your choice: either receive
(And with a conjugal endearment, too)
Your late-deserted husbands, or prepare
The remainder of your days to entertain
A strict monastic life. Your sentence's pass'd:
Choose which you please.
Joc. I never shall endure
A cloister'd life, unless I had a friar; Sir Gregory Shapeless shall be my Platonic.
Med. Rather than none, I'll take Sir Tristram Shorttool.
Jul. I for Sir Arthur Heartless.
Cav. I must put on my nightgown for Sir Jasper Simpleton.
Fri. Sir Amadin Puny then must be my joy,
Who will be still, I think, a puny boy.
Tin. Well, since we are to this condition grown,
'Tis better far to use our own than none.
While I, of youthful favourites bereft,
Will live with Scattergood, if aught be left.
Sir Reu. Nay, madam, but it were not amiss if you knew first whether Scattergood will live with you, or no. Release your alimony, and I'll resign my right in your propriety;[180] and in my widowed life mourn in sack: lo, infinitely.[181]
Duke. This juncto must be fix'd on firmer ground;
Coolness of fancy acts not on the object
Which it pretends to love. Join hearts to hands,
And in this second contract reunite
What was so long divided. Love's a cement
Admits no other allay but itself
To work upon th' affections. [To the husbands.] Be it yours
(For virile spirits should be so demean'd),
With pleasing candour to remit what's pass'd,
And with mild glosses to interpret thus
In their defence still to the better sense;
"Their frailties in your ladies wrought these failings,
Which pious pity should commiserate,
And seal it with indulgence. [To the ladies.] Then intend
Your office, madams: which is to redeem
Your late-abused time: which may be deem'd
Richly recover'd, being once redeem'd."
Ladies. May all our actions close with discontent
When we oppose their humours.
Knights. Say and hold;
And this act of oblivion shall be sign'd.
[They salute, and take hands.
Duke. This does content us highly; powers above
Makes lovers' breach renewal of their love.[182]
Chris. And must Christabel, too, pack home to her husband without her ale-money?
Duke. Or to thy death an aged prioress!
Chris. Nay, but by your good favour I'll meddle with none of your priorities; I'll rather go mumble a crust at home, and chuck my old Jocelin.
Duke. Nor is this all; our sentence must extend
Unto those ladies' favourites, whose hours,
Strangely debauch'd, make spoil of women's honours.
Ladies. We hate them worse than hell.
Favourites. Good your grace, we are reclaim'd.
Duke. That's but an airy note.
When practical, we'll hold it cordial.
Meantime, we do adjudge you to the quarries;
Where you shall toil, till a relation give
Test of your reformation. Look on those
Tunis-engagers, who were timely drawn
From their trepanning course, and by their hazard,
Secur'd through valour, rais'd their ruin'd fortunes
Above expectance! When your work is done,
We shall find like adventures[183] for your spirits
To grapple with, and rear your blanch'd repute.
Leave interceding, for we are resolv'd.
Now, conscript consuls, whose direction gives
Life to our laws, we cannot choose but wonder
How your impartial judgments should submit
(As if they had been biassed) to grant
These alimonies to their loose demands.
Sure, such decrees would not have relish'd well
Your jealous palates, had you so been used.
"Wives to desert your beds, impeach your fames,
In public courts discover your defects,
Nay, to belie your weakness, and recover
For all these scandals alimonious wages
To feed their boundless riot!"
Consul. They're annull'd;
Our courts will not admit them.
Duke. 'Tis well done,
For gentlemen t' engage their state and fame,
And beds of honour, were a juggling game.
So we dismiss you. May the palms of peace
Crown Seville's state with safety and increase.
Whereto when our reluctant actions give
The least impede, may we no longer live!
[Exeunt omnes. Trumpets sounding.