II
She eyed herself with quick breath, frightened stare,
The fingers of one hand caught at her throat,
And half unconsciously she smoothed her hair....
The music called to her, bizarre, remote....
On a vast hurrying tide she seemed afloat,
Hurrying through a darkness downward ever,
Starless, along some subterranean river....
Where was she going? Where was the current taking?
Vaguely she knew that it would lead to pain,
To a dark endless pain her deep heart breaking,
To a grey world forever dulled with rain....
And yet she knew this would not come again,
And all the sweet bliss came imploring, pleading,
Melting her soul, bruising her heart to bleeding....
O God, she did not know!—Yet future sorrow
Seemed somehow paid for by this instant bliss,
A brief to-day was worth a long to-morrow;
O youth, O night,—this joy she dared not miss!
Her whole soul yearned for this young lover’s kiss,
Though it be paid for through eternity.
O, had not God designed this thing to be?
Was not her mouth for this young mouth intended,
Since all her living body told her so?
Was it not preordained that so be ended
A girlhood colder than December snow?
A starlight kiss—she need no further go—:
His warm hands touching hers: O was this sin?
Just this?—She shut her eyes to fires within....
To those fierce central fires she closed her eyes,
Yet dimly of their passion was aware,
And felt their flames like drunkenness arise
Whirling her soul, making life strangely fair....
She eyed herself with held breath, frightened stare....
Alas, was it the alchemy of sin
That made her lovelier far than e’er she’d been?
Plausibly sweet the music came to her,
Through many doors, most plausible and sweet,
Setting some subtle pulse in her astir,
Smoothing in song her heart’s erratic beat.
Dizziness came, unstrung her knees, her feet,
And she sank down a space upon her bed,
Shutting her eyes, mad reelings in her head.
How would this end? And would her whole life change,
Swayed by this mastering sun as sways the moon?
Would all her way of life be new and strange,
Her friends be lost, her kin desert her soon?
Passion surged up in her, and in its swoon
These doubts were swept aside, obscure and fleeting;
Somewhere she heard a beating ... beating ... beating....
Was it her heart, the loud pulse in her ear,
Or music, some recurring undertone?—
The drums perhaps.... She raised her head to hear,
The beating ceased.... Only the tireless drone
Of toiling engines, and the sea’s hushed moan
Soft through the fast-shut port ... and that was all.
Steps passed and re-passed down the muffled hall.
Steps passed and re-passed on the deck above
Ringing like iron.... The curtains by her bed
Quivered forever to the engine’s move,
And from the lamp a quivering light was shed.
These senseless things, when all her life was dead,
Would still go on: steps pass, the curtains quiver,
These things or others,—they would last forever.
Quickly she rose, and in the mirror’s shine
Looked at herself a quiet moment’s space;
It was as if the earth’s autumnal wine
Had touched her soul,—her body had a grace
That passing life has, lovely was her face
With a strange loveliness, and in her eyes
Was the deep glory of October skies.
She was alive! her blood flew warm and young;
No more than this she knew, that she was fair;
And happiness through her deep heart was sung;
Passionate joy as light as flame in air;
O youth! O love, oblivious of all care!
O lithe swift-blooded youth, O rose of earth,
O warm-eyed loveliness of fragrant mirth!—
Giddy, with whirling thoughts, she left her room;
And down the corridor, with fainting feet,
Lightly she went, caught onward to sweet doom,
And only heard her heart’s loud tremulous beat;
Through opening doors, most plausible, most sweet,
The music rose to her; and he stood there,
Smiling, in all that noise and whir and glare....
Over the shining silver, sparkling glass,
The smooth white table-cloth, he leaned and smiled;
The whole world vanished, they were lad and lass,
In love, and face to face, hearts running wild.
Deep in her eyes he looked: O what a child!
Her soft breast rose and fell, her throat’s pure white
Beat with a little pulse of joy and fright.
No need to talk.... For in their eyes they met,
Treading an air so soft, so light, so fine,
That they were speechless, words they could forget;
They only smiled, and shyly sipped their wine,
And smiled again, and felt their full hearts shine,
Talked breathlessly a little, and longed to lean
Nearer, more near,—till no mote lay between,—
Not light or darkness, world or heaven or star,
Not wind, nor warm, nor cold ... but just they two
Meeting at last, two spirits come from far,
Face raised to face, white flowers made sweet with dew,—
Shining and passionate, and young and new,—
Their two warm bodies singing each to each,
Mingling at last in love’s harmonious speech....
The lights, the noise, the tumult passed away;
As in a dream without a sound they passed;
She only knew that it was wildly gay,
And shy, and bliss unbearable.... At last
Under the high dark starward-gliding mast
In grateful night they sat; he brought her coat
And trembling wrapped the scarf around her throat;
Letting his fingers linger there a space,
Longer than there was need, so sweet she smiled,
So close they were to that soft wistful face....
The stars looked down upon them, clear and mild....
Woman and maiden, girl, and little child,—
She was all these.... A moment, he was shaken,—
Lest he do wrong, lest he might prove mistaken....
Only a moment ... passion rose again,
Quiet he took her hand and held it long,
And all her virgin heart grew big with pain,
And all her new-born body ached with song.
Blindly she prayed to God to make her strong,—
More blindly cried to earth to make her weak;
And looked at him, near tears, and could not speak.
He was a loveliness she could not bear....
Like a fierce furnace seemed his beauty now....
A fire that caught her throat, her lips, her hair,
Her parching eyes, her pained and beating brow.
Only to give herself,—she cared not how.—
Into the flame, body and soul to fling;
To have him hurt her,—ah, divinest thing!...
Four bells were struck: ’twas ten o’clock he said;
And still the sea rushed past, under the night.
The engines toiled and the great steamer sped;
And they could see the bow-wash, dimly white,
Fall into darkness; the mast-head light
Quivered among the stars, and in its fire
A span of fore-stay shone like golden wire....
Little by little they were left alone,
The decks were emptied; only, from the bar,
Came shouts and laughter, and a drunkard’s groan,
The glasses clinking, and a strummed guitar,
The door shut, and the sounds grew faint and far,
And all the deck was dark; only the sea
Lifted its great voice, like infinity.
O youth, O music, O sweet wizardy
Of young love sung like fire through beating veins!
O covering darkness and persuasive sea!
O night of stars, of blisses and of pains!
But most, O youth that but an hour remains,—
Be fierce, be sweet with us, before you go;
For knowing you the best of life we know!
Beneath his kiss her mouth rose soft and warm,
And dewy soft as rose-leaves were her eyes,
Under his hands, shaken as with a storm
He felt her soft breast fall and shudder and rise,
Torn with impassioned breath, unuttered cries,
Quivering, straining breast against his breast,
She clung to him, her mouth on his mouth pressed....
And only knew that this was life at last,
Forgot all else in agony of bliss;
Into this fire of love all earth was cast;
The stars, the sea, were mingled in this kiss.
And through her heart the blood, with sing and hiss,
Poured a red madness, surged a riotous pain,—
Unbearable music cried out in her brain....
“O love,” he said, “O let me come with you!
I love you so! This night,—O let me come!”
Ah, God have pity! she knew not what to do,
But sat all quiet,—frozen, shrinking, dumb;
And only heard the toiling engines hum,
The rush of sea, the swish of dropping spray,
Her clamorous heart; and all that she could say
Was a quick “yes,” and then a broken breath
That quivered like a sob; and then she rose,
Dizzy and weak and pale, like one near death,
And now her heart was fire, and now it froze....
Faint in her room she stood; the door to close,—
She might still turn the key.... She cried a space,—
Long in the glass stared at her pallid face....
And heard a step tramp over the deck above,
Ringing like iron.... The curtains by her bed
Quivered forever to the engine’s move,
And from the lamp a quivering light was shed....
These things would all go on when she was dead....
Trembling, with misty eyes, she loosed the pin
Under her throat ... mad fires whirled up within....
Mad fires whirled up, ungulfing all her soul;
Beyond the sun and stars, across all space,
Power that earth nor heaven could now control,
She heard her lover come, with quickening pace;
Nowhere to hide! Alas, his shining face,
Though she hid under seas would find her there,
Though she hid under mountains lay her bare!
Across the stars, nearer, more near it came,
And now earth shook with it, and now the sea,
And her white body, tremulous with shame,
From its sheer anguish knew that it was he,—
Yearned for this wonder that was soon to be;
And all her heart made music for his feet,
All of the world re-echoed to their beat....
Marriage of youth! And quick a darkness fell,
And time and space went down, consumed in fire;
Through that dark space, only one breath, to tell
That here was youth, and love, and wild desire:
One heart that to itself sang ever higher,
Tremulous, passionate, despite all pain,—
“How wonderful!—how wonderful!”—again.