NOT MUCH TO TALK ABOUT
There was an explosion of one of the big guns on a battleship not long ago. Shortly afterward one of the sailors who was injured was asked by a reporter to give an account of it.
"Well, sir," rejoined the jacky, "it was like this: You see, I was standin' with me back to the gun, a-facin' the port side. All of a sudden I hears a hell of a noise; then, sir, the ship physician, he says, 'Set up an' take this,'"
FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS
YOUTH (with tie of the Stars and Stripes): I sent you some suggestions telling you how to make your paper more interesting. Have you carried out any of my ideas?
EDITOR: Did you meet the office boy with the waste-paper basket as you came upstairs?
YOUTH: Yes, yes, I did.
EDITOR: Well, he was carrying out your ideas.
NO PLACE FOR HIM
On the western plains the sheepman goes out with several thousand head and one human companion. The natural result is that the pair, forced on one another when they least want it, form the habit of hating each other.
An ex-sheepman while in a narrative mood one evening was telling a party of friends of a fellow he once rode with. "Not a word had passed between us for more than a week, and that night when we rolled up in our blankets he suddenly asked:
"'Hear that cow beller?'
"'Sounds to me like a bull,' I replied.
"No answer, but the following morning I noticed him packing up.
"'Going to leave?' I questioned.
"'Yes,' he replied.
"'What for?'
"Too much argument,'"
IN THE OLD DAYS
Lord Northcliffe at a Washington luncheon was talking about the British
Premier.
"Mr. Lloyd George is the idol of the nation," he said. "It is hard to believe how unpopular he was, at least among the Unionists, once. Among the many stories circulated about Mr. Lloyd George's unpopularity at that time there was one which concerned a rescue from drowning. The heroic rescuer, when a gold medal was presented to him for his brave deed, modestly declared:
"'I don't deserve this medal. I did nothing but my duty. I saw our friend here struggling in the water. I knew he must drown unless someone saved him. So I plunged in, swam out to him, turned him over to make sure it wasn't Lloyd George, and then lugged him to safety on my back.'"
TAKING NO CHANCES
A big darky was being registered.
"Ah can't go to wah," he answered in re exemption, "foh they ain't nobody to look afteh ma wife."
A dapper little undersized colored brother stepped briskly up and inquired, "What kind of a lookin' lady is yoh wife?"
TOO PERSONAL
Upon the recent death of an American politician, who at one time served his country in a very high legislative place, a number of newspaper men were collaborating on an obituary notice.
"What shall we say of the former senator?" asked one of the men.
"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust."
"And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the name of the trust?"
AN ACROBAT IN THE SQUAD
Sergeant (drilling awkward squad): "Company! Attention, company! Lift up your left leg and hold it straight out in front of you!"
One of the squad held up his right leg by mistake. This brought his right-hand companion's left leg and his own right leg close together. The officer, seeing this, exclaimed angrily:
"And who is that blooming galoot over there holding up both legs?"
HIS SYSTEM WAS A COMPLETE ONE
We know that the achievements of American business experts are often beyond belief. Whether the following story is true, or is merely a satire, must be left to the judgment of the acute reader:
"May I have a few moments' private conversation?"
The faultlessly dressed gentleman addressed the portly business man, standing upon the threshold of his office.
"This is a business proposition, sir," he said, rapidly closing the door and sinking into a seat beside the desk. "I am not a book agent, nor have I any article to sell. I have come to see you about your wife."
"My wife!"
"Yes, sir. Glancing over the society column of your local paper, I am informed that she is about to take her annual autumn trip to Virginia. You will, or course, have to remain behind to take care of your vast business interests. Your wife, sir, is a charming and attractive woman, still in the bloom of youth. Have you, sir, considered the possibilities?"
The other man started to get up, his face red with rage.
"You—" he began.
"One moment, sir, and I think I can satisfy your mind that my motives are pure as alabaster. This is an age of machinery, of science and invention, and, above all, of efficiency. I am simply carrying this idea of efficiency into the domestic life, which, as you are doubtless aware, is so much more important than the physical. One moment, sir. I can furnish you with the highest credentials. This is purely professional, I can assure you. Will give bond if you so desire. My proposition is this: I will accompany your wife on her trip, always, when travelling, at a respectful distance, you understand, and it will be my pleasure as well as business to amuse and interest her during her stay. I do everything—play tennis, bridge, dance all the latest steps, know the latest jokes, can sing, converse on any subject or remain silent, am a life-saver, can run an auto, flirt discreetly, and, in fact, am the most delightful companion for a wife that you can imagine. Remember, sir, that unless you engage my services your wife is at the mercy of all the strangers she may meet and being in that peculiar condition of mind where she is bound to be attracted by things that would otherwise seem commonplace, there is no telling what the end might be. But with me she is perfectly safe. I guarantee results. I insure your heart's happiness against the future. Terms reasonable. I can refer you to—"
In reply the enforced host rose up, and, taking him not too gently by the arm, led him to the door.
"My friend," he said, coldly, "your proposition of safety first doesn't interest me. No, sir! I'm sending my wife to Virginia in hopes that she will actually fall in love with somebody else, so I won't have to endure what little I see of her any more, and here you come in to spoil my future. No, sir!"
His visitor turned and faced him with a bright smile.
"My dear sir," he said, "wait. Business man that you are, you do not understand the extent of our resources, which cover every emergency. In accordance with our usual custom, I have already met your wife at a bridge party, and I might say that she is crazy about me. Now, sir, for double the price of my regular fee and a small annual stipend, which is about half the alimony you might have to pay, I will agree to marry and take her off your hands in six months, making you happy for the rest of your life. Sign here, please. Thank you."
FACING THE TRUTH
Sanderson was on a visit to Simpkins, and in due course, naturally, he was shown the family album.
"Yes," said Simpkins, as he turned the leaves, "that's my wife's second cousin's aunt Susan. And that's Cousin James, and that's a friend of ours, and that—oh, now, who do you think that is?"
"Don't know," said Sanderson.
"Well, that's my wife's first husband, my boy."
"Great Scot! What a perfect brainless-looking idiot. But excuse me, old fellow, I didn't know your wife was a widow when you married her."
"She wasn't," said Simpkins stiffly. "That, sir, is a portrait of myself at the age of twenty."
HE GOT RESULTS, ANYWAY
American troops who during the early days of the European War were landed in France received a more careful and prolonged training than could possibly be given the most of the regiments hurriedly raised during the Civil War. The story goes that a raw battalion of rough backwoodsmen, who had "volunteered," once joined General Grant. He admired their fine physique, but distrusted the capacity of their uncouth commander to handle troops promptly and efficiently in the field, so he said:
"Colonel, I want to see your men at work; call them to attention, and order them to march with shouldered arms in close column to the left flank."
Without a moment's hesitation the colonel yelled to his fellow-ruffians:
"Boys, look wild thar! Make ready to thicken and go left endways! Tote yer guns! Git!"
The manoeuvre proved a brilliant success and the self-elected colonel was forthwith officially commissioned.
THE TWO TREATMENTS
President Wilson an ardent advocate of every kind of social reform, is fond of telling a story about an old teamster.
This old fellow said to the treasurer of the concern one day:
"Me and that off horse has been workin' for the company seventeen years, sir."
"Just so, Winterbottom, just so," said the treasurer, and he cleared his throat and added: "Both treated well, I hope?"
The old teamster looked dubious.
"Wall," he said, "we wus both tooken down sick last month, and they got a doctor for the hoss, while they docked my pay."
COMPREHENSIVE
There is nothing like taking precautions.
In the following colloquy Mr, Casey, so far as we can judge, neglected nothing. Mrs. Casey said to him:
"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we sent her was broken. Are ye sure yez printed 'This side up with care' on it?"
"Oi am," said Casey emphatically. "An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top Oi printed it on the bottom as well."
BITING REPROOF
During a dust-storm at one of the army camps, a recruit sought shelter in the cook's tent.
"If you put the lid on that camp kettle you would not get so much dust in your soup."
"See here, my lad, your business is to serve your country."
"Yes," replied the recruit, "but not to eat it."
DISCRIMINATIVE
On a road in Belgium a German officer met a boy leading a jackass and addressed him in heavy jovial fashion as follows:
"That's a fine jackass you have, my son. What do you call it? Albert, I bet!"
"Oh, no, officer," the boy replied quickly. "I think too highly of my
King."
The German scowled and returned:
"I hope you don't dare to call it William."
"Oh, no, officer. I think too highly of my jackass."
NOTHING TO LOSE
An author has favored us with the following anecdote, which is taken from the opening of a chapter in a forthcoming book dealing with the war. It is another example of the pioneer character of ministerial service with us. The varieties of opportunity are constantly changing, but out in the front, according to the needs of our day and generation, there stands the Unitarian with the equipped mind and the ready hand. "A year ago, in London, a man originally from New York State came up and spoke to me as a fellow-American. He wore the garb of a Canadian officer. After I had answered his query as to what I was doing in England, he said: 'My work is rather different. I am looking after the social evil and venereal diseases in the Canadian Army.' 'Then you are a medical man?' 'No, said he, 'I tried to get my English medical friends to take hold of the work, but they said that they had their reputations to look after. I have no reputation to lose. I am simply a Unitarian clergyman.'"
BAIT
When Mike Flaherty abandoned South Boston for Lynn and hired a cottage with a bit of a back yard the first thing he did was to hurry back to the Hub of the Universe and purchase a monkey. "Divil a wurrd" of his scheme would he disclose to his old cronies in Boston. But afterward he let out:
"'Twas like this: I chained the monk to a shtick in me yard, and the coal thrains do be passin' all day foreninst, and on iv'ry cairr do be a brakeman. In one waik, begorra, I had two tons of coal in me cellar, and the monk never wanst hit."
BASEBALL "OVER THERE"
In a camp "Over There" the Turkish prisoners are allowed some freedom and among other things our American boys introduced them to the game of baseball. The Turks did remarkably well at it. One of them stepped up to the bat one day, and taking it firmly in his hand turned to the east and salaaming said in a reverent voice "Allah, assist thy servant." He then made a three bagger.
The next player to the bat was an American boy who was not going to let that Turk beat him. He also stepped up to the bat, clasped it firmly in his hand, salaaming to the east said, "You know me, Al,' keeping up with the Turk."