THE OBVIOUS PLACE
What is known in a certain town as "A Shop Carnival" was being held, and little girls represented the various shops. One, dressed in a white muslin frock gaily strung with garlands of bonbons, advertised the local sweet shop.
When the festival began she fairly glistened with attractive confectionery, but as time wore on her decorations grew less. Finally, at the end of the last act, not a bonbon was to be seen.
"Why, Dora," cried the stage manager, "where in the world are all your decorations? Have you lost them?"
"Oh, no," replied Dora; "they're perfectly safe. I'm wearing them inside."
THEIR OPPORTUNITY
In war times Cupid is not only active but overworked, and people who have never loved before do not wait upon ceremony. In the spring of 1918, a certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibule to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that there wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will be seated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service for you to come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."
The couple agreed, and after a stirring war sermon at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Will those who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please come forward?"
Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.
DOING HIS DUTY, BUT—
That time-honored subject the wife who talks and the husband who endures never ceases to be a source of inspiration to the humorist, and it is truly astonishing how many new ways it can be treated:
One day the telephone bell rang with anxious persistence. The doctor answered the call of a tired husband.
"Yes?" he said.
"Oh, doctor," said a worried voice, "something seems to have happened to my wife. Her mouth seems set and she can't say a word."
"Why, she may have lockjaw," said the medical man.
"Do you think so? Well, if you are up this way some time next week you might step in and see what you can do for her."
ANTICIPATING THE PLEASURE
Will Hogg of Texas says that down in Houston one Monday morning a Negro boy in his employ came to him with a request.
"Boss," said the darky, "I'd lak to git off nex' Friday fur the day."
"What for?" inquired Hogg.
"Got to go to a fun'el."
"Whose funeral is it?"
"My uncle's."
"When did your uncle die?"
"Lawd, boss, he ain't daid yit!"
"Then how do you know his funeral is going to take place on Friday?"
"'Case dey's gwine hang him Thursday!"
HIS COMPLAINT
To be truthful and at the same time diplomatic is one of the rarest of combinations, and only a small boy would be equal to it:
Johnny's manners had been improving at home, but at what a cost to his appetite when he had an invitation to dine at a boy friend's house! His hostess said, concernedly, when dessert was reached, "You refuse a second helping of pie? Are you suffering from indigestion, Johnny?" "No, ma'am; politeness."
PUTTING IT UP TO THE HORSE
Pat had just joined a horse regiment, and was undergoing the necessary practice in the riding school. After a particularly desperate attempt to unseat its rider, the horse managed to entangle a hoof in one of the stirrups.
"Begorra," said Pat, "if you're comin' on, then I'm gettin' off!"
THE WORM TURNED
A party of engineers were tracing a township line across some farm lands in Illinois. As chance would have it, the line passed directly through a large barn having double doors on each side of it, and they found they could continue their measurements through the barn by opening the doors and thus avoiding the dreaded détour. The owner watched their progress with considerable interest, but made no comment until they had reached the farther side of the barn, when he asked:
"Thet a railroad ye-all surveyin' fer?"
"Certainly," replied the chief.
The farmer meditated a bit as he closed the barn doors behind them, when he remarked, somewhat aggressively, "I hain't got no objections ter havin' er railroad on my farm, but I'll be darned ef I'm goin' ter git up at all hours of the night ter open and shet them doors fer yer train ter go through!"
MAKES A DIFFERENCE
The German may understand his own point of view, but he hates exceedingly to have that point of view taken, even in part, by any one else.
An official who has scrutinized the reports made by German diplomatic representatives to their Government before the declaration of war furnishes this extract from one of them:
"The Americans are very rough. If you call one of them a liar he does not argue the matter after the manner of a German gentleman, but brutally knocks you down. The Americans have absolutely no Kultur."
SOLVING A GREAT PROBLEM
The whole Irish question, and its perfect solution—at least from one side—is summed up by the reply given by an Irishman to a professor, who, when they chanced to meet, said:
"Pat, tell me, now, what is your solution to the world problem?"
"Well, sor," replied Pat, "I think we should have a world democracy—with an Irishman for king!"
DIAGNOSED
Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.
A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't it wonderful? What do you think of him?"
"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.
GETTING EVEN
The captain and the mate on board the Pretty Polly were at loggerheads. They scowled whenever they met, and seized opportunities of scoring off each other with fearful glee. Each took a turn at making the day's entries in the log-book, and the mate, when making his entries, was very surprised to find, in the captain's handwriting, the words:
"June 2nd, 1917.—Mate drunk."
He stared at it wrathfully a moment, then a slow grin broke over his face. He took his pen and wrote:
"June 3rd, 1917.—Captain sober."
KNEW HIS BUSINESS
A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistling loudly.
"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it is against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on duty."
"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones's dog."
THEN THINGS HAPPENED
Though she was old she wasn't by any means incapable of supporting herself; and at the fresh, youthful age of seventy-nine she went into the business of providing teas for perspiring cyclists, and storing the cycles of those travellers who decided that they had better return by train. Her first customers were four young men who left their cycles in her charge while they explored the neighborhood. For each cycle she gave them a ticket with a number upon it.
Late at night the tourists returned.
The old woman led them to their cycles with a smile of self-satisfaction on her face.
"You'll know which is which," she told them, "because I've fastened duplicate tickets on them."
They gratefully thanked her; and when they found their cycles they discovered that the tickets were neatly pinned into each back tire!
WASN'T CALLING HER DEAR
Desirous of buying a camera, a certain fair young woman inspected the stock of a local shopkeeper.
"Is this a good one?" she asked, as she picked up a dainty little machine. "What is it called?"
"That's the Belvedere," said the handsome young shopman politely.
There was a chilly silence. Then the young woman drew herself coldly erect, fixed him with an icy stare, and asked again:
"Er—and can you recommend the Belva?"
SOMETHING!
A young Irishman recently applied for a job as life-saver at the municipal baths.
As he was about six feet six inches tall and well built, the chief life-saver gave him an application blank to fill out.
"By the way," said the chief life-saver, "can you swim?"
"No," replied the applicant, "but I wade like blazes!"
NOT ENOUGH SCENERY
The Negro stevedores of the southern states of the American Union have been conscripted and shipped in great numbers to ports in France for unloading the incoming American steamers. Their cheerfulness has quite captivated the gayety loving French, who never tire of listening to their laughter and their ragtime songs. When the "bosses" want to get a dockyard job done in double-quick time they usually order a brass band to play lively Negro tunes alongside the ship. Every stevedore thereupon "steps lively," and apparently his heavy labor becomes to him a light and joyous task. One stevedore, to whom the Atlantic voyage had been a test, exclaimed: "Mah goodness! Ah never knew dere was so much water between dem tew countries! Dere ain't enuf scenery for me, no sah, an' if de United States don't build a bridge across dat dere Atlantic, Ah's agwine to be a Frenchman for life."
IAN HAY'S FATE
Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber's shop in a small town to have his hair cut.
"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked.
"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here to-night?"
"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," said the barber; "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in the hall is sold out."
"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luck to have to stand when that chap Hay lectures."
CAMOUFLAGE
After a "push" some of the lads of the Northumberland Fusiliers who entered one of the captured villages set about making things comfortable for themselves. Seeing a large wooden box some distance away, they made tracks to commandeer it On the way back an officer met them and queried:
"Here, lads, where are you going with that?"
"This old egg-box, sir—we're taking it along to our dug-out, sir," one of them explained.
"Egg-box be hanged!" retorted the officer.
"Why, that's the general's roll-top desk!"
HAPPY ENDING WANTED
A charming, auburn-haired nurse tells the story. She bent over the bed of one badly wounded man and asked him if he would like anything to read. The soldier fixed a humorous eye on her and said, "Miss, can you get me a nice novel? I'd like one about a golden-haired girl and a wounded soldier with a happy ending." After this the pretty nurse looks down contemptuously on civilian compliments.
A SKEPTIC
A colored Baptist was exhorting. "Now, breddern and sistern, come up to de altar and have yo' sins washed away."
All came up but one man.
"Why, Brudder Jones, don't yo' want yo' sins washed away?"
"I done had my sins washed away."
"Yo' has? Where yo' had yo' sins washed away?"
"Ober at de Methodist church."
"Ah, Brudder Jones, yo' ain't been washed, yo' jes' been dry cleaned."
A PERSON OF DISCERNMENT
A Quaker had got himself into trouble with the authorities, and a constable called to escort him to the lock-up.
"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to the door.
"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in."
The officer entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and was hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. At last he grew impatient.
"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me."
"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy look, and so he's gone another way."
AN OLD HAND
After two months at Rockford Private Nelson got his leave at last, and made what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by getting married.
On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriage certificate in mistake for his return railway ticket.
The official studied it carefully, and then said: "Yes, my boy, you've got a ticket for a long, wearisome journey, but not on this road."
A TRUE OPTIMIST
It was Christmas Eve in camp, and very cold at that. There was a certain amount of confusion owing to the Christmas festivities and leave, and so forth, and one man was unable to find any of his outer garments. He wandered about, asking all his mates if they knew where they were.
"Has any one seen my b-b-blanket?" he demanded, and was told that no one had.
"Has any one seen my t-t-trousers?"
No answer.
The unfortunate Tommy scratched his head for a moment.
"Well, I'm jolly g-g-glad I have got a nice w-w-warm pair of sus-sus-suspenders."
TIT FOR TAT
The young couple were dawdling over a late breakfast after a night at an ultra smart party.
"Was it you I kissed in the conservatory last night?" hubby inquired.
She looked at him reminiscently: "About what time was it?"
TOO GOOD TO BE WASTED
A lady of great beauty and attractiveness, who was an ardent admirer of
Ireland, once crowned her praise of it at a party by saying:
"I think I was meant for an Irishwoman."
"Madam," rejoined a witty son of Erin, who happened to be present, "thousands would back me in saying you were meant for an Irishman."
HE UNDERSTOOD
The pale-faced passenger looked out of the car window with exceeding interest. Finally he turned to his seat mate.
"You likely think I never rode in the cars before," he said, "but the fact is, pardner, I just got out of prison this mornin' and it does me good to look around. It is goin' to be mighty tough, though, facin' my old-time friends. I s'pose, though, you ain't got much idea how a man feels in a case like that."
"Perhaps I have a better idea of your feelings than you think," said the other gentleman, with a sad smile. "I am just getting home from Congress."
TOUCHY
Lysander, a farm hand, was recounting his troubles to a neighbor. Among other things he said that the wife of the farmer who employed him was "too close for any use." "This very mornin'," said he, "she asked me: 'Lysander, do you know how many pancakes you have et this mornin'?' I said, 'No, ma'am; I ain't had no occasion to count 'em,' 'Well,' says she, 'that last one was the twenty-sixth.' And it made me so mad I jest got up from the table and went to work without my breakfast!"
THE INTELLIGENT CAT
Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.
"It appears to me," one said, "that they seem to pick out your choicest plants to scratch out of the ground."
"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and then sits and actually defies me."
"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.
"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of my greenhouse to defy me."
PRIDE
A little boy was on his knees recently one night, and auntie, staying at the house, was present.
"It is a pleasure," she said to him, afterward, "to hear you saying your prayers so well. You speak so earnestly and seriously, and mean what you say, and care about it."
"Ah!" he answered, "ah, but, auntie, you should hear me gargle!"
ROBBING HIMSELF
"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and so is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."
The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food Board.
"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'd grow his own garden stuff. This young man had been digging for about an hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he found another quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.
"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at his feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."
PESSIMISTS
Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.
"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.
"Dunno," replied one of the south-shires. "We've planted some daffydils in front of our trench."
"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted acorns."
DELAYED
The way they take air raids in England is illustrated by the following conversation from Punch:
"Just ask Dr. Jones to run round to my place right away. Our cook's fallen downstairs—broke her leg; the housemaid's got chicken-pox, and my two boys have been knocked down by a taxi."
"I'm sorry, sir, but the doctor was blown up in yesterday's air raid, and he won't be down for a week."
HOW MARY LOST A TIP
Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had been appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit for a week. He was well satisfied with himself.
"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he was stopping, "you've been in this country how long?"
"Two years, sir," she said.
"Do you like it?"
"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.
"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in this country which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would never be in a room with a justice of the Supreme Court, and chatting familiarly with him."
"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judge at home."
A LITTLE TOO THRIFTY
Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.
"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.
"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.
"Why, the popcorn, it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.
"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."
BEYOND HIM
A young couple, speeding along the country highway, were stopped by the justice of the peace.
"Ten and costs for reckless driving," announced the justice.
"Listen," said the young man, "judge, we were on our way to have you marry us."
"Twenty and costs, then!" cried the justice. "You're more reckless than
I thought you were."
ITS NAME
In a kindergarten class flags were shown, and in answer to a question a little girl gave the response that was expected of her: "This is the flag of my country."
"And what is the name of your country?" was the next question.
"'Tis of thee," was the prompt reply.
THE ORIGINAL METHOD
Katherine and Margaret found themselves seated next each other at a dinner-party and immediately became confidential.
"Molly told me that you told her that secret I told you not to tell her," whispered Margaret.
"Oh, isn't she a mean thing!" gasped Katherine. "Why, I told her not to tell you!"
"Well," returned Margaret, "I told her I wouldn't tell you she told me—so don't tell her I did."
GIVE US THE CHANCE
When Booth Tarkington was visiting Naples he was present at an eruption of Vesuvius.
"You haven't anything like that in America, have you?" said an Italian friend with pride.
"No, we haven't," replied Tarkington; "but we've got Niagara Falls that would put the d——d thing out in five minutes."
A DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE!
We often take delight in fancying what we would do if things were really reversed in this oftentimes trying world: and particularly what we would do to the president of our bank. Here is a little story which gives the pleasant variety:
"I have come in to borrow some money from you," said the bank president timidly, as he stood before one of his depositors, nervously twirling his hat in his hand.
"Ah, yes," said the depositor, gazing at him severely. "But you don't expect to get it, do you?"
"I had hoped to."
"What collateral have you to offer?"
"My bank with all the money in it."
"All the people in the bank?"
"Yes."
"Please say 'Yes, sir.' It is more respectful."
"Thank you, sir."
"Um! Ah! Will you put in your own family?"
"Yes, sir, I'll throw in my family also."
"Your prospects in life? Don't hesitate, man. Remember you are up against it."
"Well, yes, sir."
"How much money do you want?"
"One thousand dollars."
"Dear me! For such a small amount as that I shall have to charge you at least six per cent. If you were a regular millionaire and wanted, say, half a million, I could let you have it for three or four per cent."
"Yes, sir. I appreciate your generosity."
The depositor handed the president of the bank, who was now almost completely bathed in a cold perspiration, a blank form.
"Here," he said, "sign this."
"Do you wish me to read it first, sir?"
"What! Read something you wouldn't understand anyway? No. I'll tell you what's in it. It mortgages yourself, your bank, all the people in it, your family, all your property, and your soul Sign here."
The bank president signed with trembling fingers, got a piece of paper which entitled him to the privilege of entertaining a thousand dollars for six months at his own expense, and withdrew.
Then the depositor, smiling to himself and rubbing his hands, said:
"Aha! I'll teach these fellows to know their places!"
DAD WAS WISE
When the conversation turned to the subject of romantic marriage this little anecdote was volunteered by H.M. Asker, a North Dakota politician:
"So you were married ten years ago. Took place in the church, I suppose, with bridesmaids, flowers, cake, and the brass band?"
"No; it was an elopement."
"An elopement, eh? Did the girl's father follow you?"
"Yes, and he has been with us ever since."
KINDNESS
Private Simpkins had returned from the front, to find that his girl had been walking out with another young man, and naturally asked her to explain her frequent promenades in the town with the gentleman.
"Well, dear," she replied, "it was only kindness on his part. He just took me down every day to the library to see if you were killed."
MORE SCOTCH THRIFT
Harry Lauder tells the following story about a funeral in Glasgow and a well-dressed stranger who took a seat in one of the mourning coaches. The other three occupants of the carriage were rather curious to know who he was, and at last one of them began to question him. The dialogue went like this:
"Ye'll be a brither o' the corp?"
"No, I'm no' a brither o' the corp."
"Weel, ye'll be his cousin?"
"No, I'm no' a cousin."
"At ony rate ye'll be a frien' o' the corp?"
"No, I'm no' that either. Ye see, I've no' been very weel masel," the stranger explained complacently, "an' my doctor has ordered me carriage exercise, so I thocht this would be the cheapest way to tak' it."
WORTH A CHANCE
The small boy stood at the garden gate and howled and howled and howled.
A passing lady paused beside him.
"What's the matter, little man?" she asked in a kindly voice.
"O-o-oh!" wailed the youngster. "Pa and ma won't take me to the pictures to-night."
"But don't make such a noise," said the dame, admonishingly. "Do they ever take you when you cry like that?"
"S-sometimes they do, an'—an' sometimes they d-d-don't," bellowed the boy. "But it ain't no trouble to yell!"
CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
"We were bounding along," said a recent traveller on a local South African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour, and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to see my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from one end of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat. Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least I could keep my hat on and my teeth didn't chatter.
"There was a quiet-looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastly smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:
"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'
"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now,'"
BIG CHANCES BOTH WAYS
The famous physician and the eminent clergyman were deep in a discussion which threatened to become acrimonious.
"You see," said the minister sarcastically, "you medical men know so much about the uncertainties of this world that I should think you would not want to live."
"Oh, I don't know," responded the physician caustically. "You clergymen tell us so much about the uncertainties of the next world that we don't want to die."
WARNING TO AUTHORS
One of Mr. Kipling's trees was injured by a bus, the driver of which was also landlord of an inn. Kipling wrote this man a letter of complaint, which the recipient sold to one of his guests for ten shillings. Again the angry author wrote, this time a more violent letter, which immediately fetched one pound.
A few days later Kipling called on the landlord and demanded to know why he had received no answer to his letters.
"Why, I was hoping you would send me a fresh one every day," was the cool reply. "They pay a great deal better than bus driving."
CONSIDERING FATHER
Does the American woman always consider her lesser half? The following tale shows that she does, although the lady's husband undoubtedly moved in a lower sphere. She was at that period in her existence where she gave literary afternoons and called her college-graduated daughter to her side and said:
"This afternoon, as I understand, we attend the Current Events Club, where Miss Spindleshank Corkerly of New York and Washington will give us her brief and cheery synopsis of the principal world events during the last month."
"Yes, mother."
"This evening the Birth Control Association meets at Mrs. Mudhaven's, where I shall read my paper on the Moral Protoplasm."
"Yes, mother."
"To-morrow morning the Efficiency Circle will assemble here for its weekly discussion and will be addressed by Professor Von Skintime Closhaven on the Scientific Curtailment of Catnaps."
"Yes, mother."
"To-morrow afternoon the Superwoman's Civic Conference Committee will take up the subject of the Higher Feminism, and in the evening the Hygienic Sex Sisters will confer with the superintendent of our school system on several ideas for our schools which we have in mind."
"Yes, mother. That brings us up to Thursday. What shall we do on that evening?"
"I thought, my dear, that we would take a night off and go to the movies with your dear father."
STORIES ABOUT JAMES GORDON BENNETT
Many are the stories told of the late James Gordon Bennett. One, more than any other, reveals one of his weaknesses—a disinclination to acknowledge an error.
Before taking up his residence abroad he frequently breakfasted at Delmonico's, then downtown. One Christmas morning he gave the waiter who always served him a small roll of bills. As soon as opportunity offered the waiter looked at the roll, and when he recovered his equilibrium took it to Mr. Delmonico. There were six $1,000 bills in the roll. The proprietor, sensing that a mistake had been made, put them in the safe.
When the publisher next visited the café Mr. Delmonico told him the waiter had turned the money in. He added he would return it as Mr. Bennett departed.
"Why return it? Didn't I give it to him?"
"Yes. But, of course, it was a mistake. You gave him $6,000."
"Mr. Delmonico," replied Bennett, rising to his full height, "you should know by this time that James Gordon Bennett never makes a mistake."
A pressman had just returned to work after a protracted spree. His face was battered, an eye was blackened, and an ear showed a tendency to mushroom. The night of his return was one on which Mr. Bennett visited the pressroom. He saw Mr. Bennett before Mr. Bennett saw him, and, daubing a handful of ink on his face, he became so busy that Bennett noticed him.
"Who is that man?" he asked the foreman. "What do you pay him?"
The foreman gave him the information.
"Double his salary," replied Mr. Bennett. "He's the only man in the place who seems to be doing any work."
A dramatic critic, still a well-known writer, lost his place because he would not get his hair cut. Bennett in Paris asked him why he wore his hair so long and was told because he liked it that way. An order sending him to Copenhagen followed. When his return was announced by a secretary, Bennett asked if he had had his hair cut, and being informed that he had not, ordered him to St. Petersburg. On his return from Russia, still unshorn, he was sent to the Far East.
"Has he had his hair cut?" asked Bennett when his return was once more announced.
"No, sir," replied the secretary, "it's as long as ever."
"Then fire him," replied Bennett. "He's too slow to take a hint to suit me."
STAYING ON THE JOB
In introducing the Honorable W.G. McAdoo to an audience of North Carolinians in the Raleigh Auditorium, Governor T.W. Bickett had occasion to refer to the North Carolina trait of stick-to-it-ness. He used as an example the case of Private Jim Webb, a green soldier and a long, lanky individual from the farm who had never been drilled in his whole life and knew even less about the usages and customs of war, so when he was conscripted into the North Carolina divisions in the late war between the states, he was given only a week's drill and then assigned to duty.
His regiment was in the Peninsular campaign, and Jim was soon put on guard duty, being given, as his first post, a place along the river bank, and cautioned to stick to his post under any conditions, to watch closely for the enemy, and to allow no one to pass who could not give the countersign.
"Obey your instructions," said the officer of the guard, "and I will return at two o'clock with relief. Do not leave your post under any conditions."
Promptly at two o'clock the officer returned, to find Jim gone. He searched long and diligently, but no trace of Jim. Finally he called, lowly at first, then louder, seeking to know if Jim were in the vicinity or had been captured. Finally came Jim's answering voice from out in the middle of the river, "Here I be."
"What in the world are you doing out there?" asked the indignant officer. "Did I not tell you not to leave your post?"
"I hain't moved, nuther," replied the indignant Jim; "the durn river's riz."
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS
"May I see you privately?"
The well-dressed stranger approached the mayor of the suburban town with the air of one who knew his business. When they were alone he said:
"I want to apply for the position of village burglar."
"Village burglar!"
"Yes, sir. I guarantee results, I only rob one house a week. This includes a clean get-away. When a man, no matter how conscientious, attempts any more than this, he is bound to deteriorate. By employing me regularly you get the best results."
"What inducements do you offer?"
"Your village will be advertised regularly and in the most efficient manner. I will guarantee to keep away all other burglars, thus insuring the comfort and safety of your police. I return all goods stolen. If it is necessary at any time to wound any of your citizens, I will pay half of the hospital expenses. Salary five thousand a year. Can furnish references."
"Nothing else?"
"My dear sir, what more do you want?"
The mayor shook his head, as rising, he indicated that the interview was over.
"Sorry, my friend," he said, "that I can't accept your offer, but I am just closing a contract with a man who not only will burglarize our village regularly on your terms, but also will turn over to us as a rebate one-half of the salary he gets from the burglary insurance company that employs him."
HIS FAVORITE BEAST
Harris Dickson, on a hunting trip in Sunflower County, Mississippi, met an old darky who had never seen a circus in his life. When the Big Show came in the following season to Dickson's town of Vicksburg he sent for the old man and treated him to the whole thing—arrival of the trains, putting up the tents, grand free street parade, menagerie, main performance, concert, side show, peanuts, red lemonade, and all.
The old darky followed his white patron through with popping eyes, but saying never a word. Late in the afternoon they got back to the Dickson home.
"John," said Dickson, "you enjoyed it?"
"Boss," said John fervently. "Ah shore did!"
"What did you like the most?"
"Mistah Dickson," answered John, "Ah shore laked hit all."
"Well, what impressed you most?"
"Well, suh, boss," he said, "Ah reckin hit waz dat dere animul you calls de camuel."
"The camel, eh? Well, what was so remarkable about the camel?"
"He suttinly is got such a noble smell!"
A LONG STORY
"May I ask the cause of all this excitement?" asked the stranger in the little village.
"Certainly," replied the countryman. "We're celebrating the birthday of the oldest inhabitant sir. She's a hundred and one to-day."
"Indeed! And may I ask who is that little man, with the dreadfully sad countenance, walking by the old lady's side?"
"Oh, that's the old lady's son-in-law, sir. He's been keeping up the payments on her life-insurance for the last thirty years!"
A DUAL REPUTATION
As Grantland Rice tells the story, a certain distinguished English actor, whom we may safely call Jones-Brown, plays a persistent but horrible game of golf. During a recent visit to this country the actor in question occasionally visited the links of a well-known country club in Westchester County, near New York.
After an especially miserable showing of inaptness one morning, he flung down his driver in disgust.
"Caddy," he said, addressing the silent youth who stood alongside, "that was awful, wasn't it?"
"Purty bad, sir," stated the boy.
"I freely confess that I am the worst golfer in the world," continued the actor.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," said the caddy soothingly.
"Did you ever see a worse player than I am?"
"No, sir, I never did," confessed the boy truthfully; "but some of the other boys was tellin' me yistiddy about a gentleman that must be a worse player than you are. They said his name was Jones-Brown."
ALWAYS SAFETY FIRST
"You say that you want some name engraved on this ring," said the jeweller to the bashful young man.
"Yes; I want the words, 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on the inside of the ring."
"Is the young lady your sister?"
"No; she is the young lady to whom I am engaged."
"Well, if I were you I would not have 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on the ring. If Alice changes her mind you can't use the ring again."
"What would you suggest?"
"I would suggest the words, 'George, to his first and only love,' You see, with that inscription you can use the ring half a dozen times. I have had experience in such matters myself."
SURPRISING
Pat came to the dentist's with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth he desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into the dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching his face, he positively refused to open his mouth. The dentist quietly told his page boy to prick his patient with a pin, and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, and out it came. "It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentist asked, smilingly.
"Well, no," replied Pat, hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulness of his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on the spot where the little boy pricked him with the pin, "begorra, little did I think the roots would reach down like that."
TRUE OPTIMIST
Among the passengers on a train on a one-track road in the Middle West was a talkative jewelry drummer. Presently the train stopped to take on water, and the conductor neglected to send back a flagman. An express came along and, before it could be stopped, bumped the rear end of the first train. The drummer was lifted from his seat and pitched head first into the seat ahead. His silk hat was jammed clear down over his ears. He picked himself up and settled back in his seat. No bones had been broken. He drew a long breath, straightened up, and said: "Well, they didn't get by us, anyway."
INDISSOLUBLE PARTNERS
Memory and Imagination had a discussion as to which was the greater. "Without me," said Memory, "your buildings, your fine castles, would all go down. I alone give you power to retain them."
"Without me," said Imagination, "there would be no use of retaining them, for, indeed, they wouldn't be there. I am the great builder."
"And I the great recorder."
"It appears, then, that no one of us is greater than the other. Yet I would not change places with you."
"Why not?" said Memory.
"Because," replied Imagination, "without you I can still keep on creating over and over."
At the end of a year Memory came back.
"What have you done?" asked Memory.
"Nothing," said Imagination.
"And you were wrong when you said that without me you could still go on creating."
"Yes. I did not realize how dependent I was upon you. What have you been doing during the year?"
"Reviewing some old friends. That was all I could do."
"Then we are practically equal."
"Yes. Let us live together hereafter in harmony, carrying on our door this legend:
There is no Memory without
Imagination,
And no Imagination without
Memory."
DEPENDED ON THE MULE
Speaking at a political gathering, Congressman Frederick W. Dallinger, of Massachusetts, referred to the many amusing incidents of the schoolrooms, and related a little incident along that line.
A teacher in a public school was instructing a youthful class in
English when she paused and turned to a small boy named Jimmy Brown.
"James," said she, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride the mule if he wants to,'"
This Jimmie proceeded to do to the satisfaction of all concerned.
"Now, then," continued the teacher when Jimmy had returned to his place, "can you find a better form for that sentence?"
"Yes, ma'am," was the prompt response of Jimmy. "'Richard can ride the mule if the mule wants him to.'"
CROWN PRINCE CALLED DOWN
Some years before the war the German Crown Prince got a very neat call-down from Miss Bernice Willard, a Philadelphia girl. It was during the Emperor's regatta, and the two mentioned were sitting with others on the deck of a yacht. A whiff of smoke from the Prince's cigarette blowing into the young lady's face, a lieutenant near by remarked:
"Smoke withers flowers."
"It is no flower," said the prince, jocularly, "it is a thistle."
Miss Willard raised her eyes a trifle.
"In that case," she said, "I had better retire or I shall be devoured"
HUMBLED
Mrs. Mellon did not wish to offend her new cook.
"John," she said to the manservant, "can you find out without asking the cook whether the tinned salmon was all eaten last night? You see, I don't wish to ask her, because she may have eaten it, and then she would feel uncomfortable," added the good soul.
"If you please, ma'am," replied the man, "the new cook has eaten the tinned salmon, and if you was to say anything to her you couldn't make her feel any more uncomfortable than she is."
IS THIS TACT?
An officer on board a warship was drilling his men.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air, and move them as if he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now commence."
After a short effort one of the men stopped.
"Why have you stopped, Murphy?" asked the officer.
"If ye plaze, sir," was the answer, "Oi'm coasting."
WARNED IN TWENTY YEARS
Several Scotchmen were discussing the domestic unhappiness of a mutual friend.
"Aye," said one, "Jock McDonald has a sair time wi' that wife o' his.
They do say they're aye quarrelin'."
"It serve' him richt," said another feelingly. "The puir feckless creature marrit after coortin' only eight year. Man, indeed, he had nae chance to ken the wumman in sic a short time. When I was coortin' I was coortin' twenty year."
"And how did it turn out?" inquired a stranger in the party.
"I tell ye, I was coortin' twenty year, an' in that time I kenned what wumman was, an' so I didna marry."
BEGINNING EARLY
Jack disliked being kissed, and, being a handsome little chap, sometimes had a good deal to put up with. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then, to make matters worse, on going to the picture palace in the evening, instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures, there was nothing but a lot more hugging and kissing.
He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe of women.
After he had tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him good-night.
He refused to be kissed.
Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, who was standing at the doorway looking on, and said:
"Daddy, for the love of Heaven, give this woman a kiss!"
DISCERNING
"Daisy," remarked the teacher, "don't love your cat too much. What would you do if it died—you wouldn't see it again?"
"Oh, yes; I should see it in heaven."
"No, dear, you're mistaken; animals cannot go to heaven like people."
Daisy's eyes filled with tears, but suddenly she exclaimed triumphantly:
"Animals do go to heaven, for the Bible says the Promised Land is flowing with milk and honey, and, if there are no animals, where do they get the milk?"
ROTUND
An elderly woman who was extremely stout was endeavoring to enter a street car when the conductor, noticing her difficulty, said to her:
"Try sideways, madam; try sideways."
The woman looked up breathlessly and said: "Why, bless ye, I ain't got no sideways!"
BEYOND THE SENSE OF HUMOR
A Scottish soldier, badly wounded, requested an army chaplain to write a letter for him to his wife. The chaplain, anxious to oblige, started off with "My dear Wife—"
"Na, na," said the Scotsman, "dinna pit that doon. Ma wife canna see a joke."
A NEW COMPLAINT
A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called the first evening she was there and inquired how she was getting along. He was told that she was improving.
Next day he called again, and was told she was still improving. This went on for some time, each day the report being that his wife was improving.
Finally, one day he called and said:
"How iss my wife?"
"She's dead."
He went out and met a friend, and the friend said:
"Well, how is your wife?"
"She's dead."
"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?"
"Improvements!"
SOME FIGHT
An American Negro stevedore assigned to the great docks in southwestern
France had written several letters to his black Susanna in Jacksonville,
Fla., when she wrote back saying:
"You-all don't nevah tell me nothin' 'bout de battle a-tall. Tilda Sublet's Dave done wrote her all about how he kotched two Germans all by hisself and kilt three mo'."
The stevedore was reluctant to tell his girl that he was doing manual labor and that his only accoutrement was the tinware from which he ate his war bread, "slum" and coffee. His reply ran:
"Dear Sue: De battle am goin' on. You would faint if I tole yuh de full details. Ah'm standin' in blood up to mah knees, and every time Ah move Ah step on a daid German. We're too close to use our rifles, and we're bitin' and gougin' 'em. At one time me and two othah niggahs was hangin' onto de Crown Prince wid our teeth, an' old Papa Kaiser done beat us off wid a fence rail untwell ree-umfo's-ments come!"
TOO STRONG A TERM
One evening just before dinner the wife, who had been playing bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the library table upon which were spread several sheets of paper.
"What are you doing with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the wife.
"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.
"A wish?"
"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."