ACT III.

Scene I.—King Arthur's Palace.

Ghost[163] (solus). Hail! ye black horrors of midnight's midnoon!

Ye fairies, goblins, bats, and screech-owls, hail!

And, oh! ye mortal watchmen, whose hoarse throats

Th' immortal ghosts dread croakings counterfeit,

All hail!—Ye dancing phantoms, who, by day,

Are some condemn'd to fast, some feast in fire,

Now play in churchyards, skipping o'er the graves,

To the loud music of the silent bell,[164]

All hail!

Scene II.

King, Ghost.

King. What noise is this? What villain dares,

At this dread hour, with feet and voice profane,

Disturb our royal walls?

Ghost. One who defies

Thy empty power to hurt him; one who dares[165]

Walk in thy bedchamber.

King. Presumptuous slave!

Thou diest.

Ghost. Threaten others with that word:

I am a ghost, and am already dead.[166]

King. Ye stars! 'tis well. Were thy last hour to come,

This moment had been it; yet by thy shroud[167]

I'll pull thee backward, squeeze thee to a bladder,

Till thou dost groan thy nothingness away.

Thou fly'st! 'Tis well. [Ghost retires.

I thought what was the courage of a ghost![168]

Yet, dare not, on thy life—Why say I that,

Since life thou hast not?—Dare not walk again

Within these walls, on pain of the Red Sea.

For, if henceforth I ever find thee here,

As sure, sure as a gun, I'll have thee laid——

Ghost. Were the Red Sea a sea of Hollands gin,

The liquor (when alive) whose very smell

I did detest, did loathe—yet, for the sake

Of Thomas Thumb, I would be laid therein.

King. Ha! said you?

Ghost. Yes, my liege, I said Tom Thumb,

Whose father's ghost I am—once not unknown

To mighty Arthur. But, I see, 'tis true,

The dearest friend, when dead, we all forget.

King. 'Tis he—it is the honest Gaffer Thumb.

Oh! let me press thee in my eager arms,

Thou best of ghosts! thou something more than ghost!

Ghost. Would I were something more, that we again

Might feel each other in the warm embrace.

But now I have th' advantage of my king,

For I feel thee, whilst thou dost not feel me.[169]

King. But say, thou dearest air,[170] oh! say what dread,

Important business sends thee back to earth?

Ghost. Oh! then prepare to hear—which but to hear

Is full enough to send thy spirit hence.

Thy subjects up in arms, by Grizzle led,

Will, ere the rosy-finger'd morn shall ope

The shutters of the sky, before the gate

Of this thy royal palace, swarming spread.

So have I seen the bees in clusters swarm,[171]

So have I seen the stars in frosty nights,

So have I seen the sand in windy days,

So have I seen the ghosts on Pluto's shore,

So have I seen the flowers in spring arise,

So have I seen the leaves in autumn fall,

So have I seen the fruits in summer smile,

So have I seen the snow in winter frown.

King. D—n all thou hast seen!—dost thou, beneath the shape

Of Gaffer Thumb, come hither to abuse me

With similes, to keep me on the rack?

Hence—or, by all the torments of thy hell,

I'll run thee through the body, though thou'st none.[172]

Ghost. Arthur, beware! I must this moment hence,

Not frighted by your voice, but by the cocks!

Arthur, beware, beware, beware, beware!

Strive to avert thy yet impending fate;

For, if thou'rt kill'd to-day,

To-morrow all thy care will come too late.

Scene III.

King, solus.

King. Oh! stay, and leave me not uncertain thus!

And, whilst thou tellest me what's like my fate,

Oh! teach me how I may avert it too!

Curs'd be the man who first a simile made!

Curs'd ev'ry bard who writes—So have I seen!

Those whose comparisons are just and true,

And those who liken things not like at all.

The devil is happy that the whole creation

Can furnish out no simile to his fortune.

Scene IV.

King, Queen.

Queen. What is the cause, my Arthur, that you steal

Thus silently from Dollallolla's breast?

Why dost thou leave me in the dark alone,[173]

When well thou know'st I am afraid of sprites?

King. Oh, Dollallolla! do not blame my love!

I hoped the fumes of last night's punch had laid

Thy lovely eyelids fast; but, oh! I find

There is no power in drams to quiet wives;

Each morn, as the returning sun, they wake,

And shine upon their husbands.

Queen. Think, oh, think!

What a surprise it must be to the sun,

Rising, to find the vanish'd world away.

What less can be the wretched wife's surprise

When, stretching out her arms to fold thee fast,

She found her useless bolster in her arms.

Think, think, on that.—Oh! think, think well on that![174]

I do remember also to have read

In Dryden's Ovid's Metamorphoses,[175]

That Jove in form inanimate did lie

With beauteous Danaë: and, trust me, love,

I fear'd the bolster might have been a Jove.[176]

King. Come to my arms, most virtuous of thy sex!

Oh, Dollallolla! were all wives like thee,

So many husbands never had worn horns.

Should Huncamunca of thy worth partake,

Tom Thumb indeed were blest.—Oh, fatal name

For didst thou know one quarter what I know,

Then wouldst thou know—alas! what thou wouldst know!

Queen. What can I gather hence? Why dost thou speak

Like men who carry rareeshows about?

"Now you shall see, gentlemen, what you shall see."

O, tell me more, or thou hast told too much.

Scene V.

King, Queen, Noodle.

Nood. Long life attend your majesties serene,

Great Arthur, king, and Dollallolla, queen!

Lord Grizzle, with a bold rebellious crowd,

Advances to the palace, threat'ning loud,

Unless the princess be deliver'd straight,

And the victorious Thumb, without his pate,

They are resolv'd to batter down the gate.

Scene VI.

King, Queen, Huncamunca, Noodle.

King. See where the princess comes! Where is Tom Thumb?

Hunc. Oh! sir, about an hour and half ago

He sallied out t' encounter with the foe,

And swore, unless his fate had him misled,

From Grizzle's shoulders to cut off his head,

And serve't up with your chocolate in bed.

King. 'Tis well, I found one devil told us both.

Come, Dollallolla, Huncamunca, come;

Within we'll wait for the victorious Thumb:

In peace and safety we secure may stay,

While to his arm we trust the bloody fray;

Though men and giants should conspire with gods,

He is alone equal to all these odds.[177]

Queen. He is, indeed, a helmet to us all;[178]

While he supports we need not fear to fall;

His arm despatches all things to our wish,

And serves up ev'ry foe's head in a dish.

Void is the mistress of the house of care,

While the good cook presents the bill of fare;

Whether the cod, that northern king of fish,

Or duck, or goose, or pig, adorn the dish,

No fears the number of her guests afford,

But at her hour she sees the dinner on the board.

Scene VII.—Plain.

Grizzle, Foodle, Rebels.

Griz. Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd;

For, though we have not fought, yet we have found

No enemy to fight withal.[179]

Food. Yet I,

Methinks, would willingly avoid this day,

This first of April to engage our foes.[180]

Griz. This day, of all the days of the year, I'd choose,

For on this day my grandmother was born.

Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April-fool;

Will teach his wit an errand it ne'er knew,[181]

And send it post to the Elysian shades.

Food. I'm glad to find our army is so stout,

Nor does it move my wonder less than joy.

Griz. What friends we have, and how we came so strong,[182]

I'll softly tell you as we march along.

Scene VIII.—Thunder and Lightning.

Tom Thumb, Glumdalca, cum suis.

Thumb. Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a day like this?

The unborn thunder rumbles o'er our heads,[183]

As if the gods meant to unhinge the world,[184]

And heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl;

Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring ball.

Merl. Tom Thumb!

Thumb. What voice is this I hear?

Merl. Tom Thumb!

Thumb. Again it calls.

Merl. Tom Thumb!

Glum. It calls again.

Thumb. Appear, whoe'er thou art; I fear thee not.

Merl. Thou hast no cause to fear—I am thy friend,

Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade,

And to my art thou dost thy being owe.

Thumb. How?

Merl. Hear, then, the mystic getting of Tom Thumb.

His father was a ploughman plain,

His mother milk'd the cow;

And yet the way to get a son

This couple knew not how,

Until such time the good old man

To learned Merlin goes,

And there to him, in great distress,

In secret manner shows

How in his heart he wish'd to have

A child, in time to come,

To be his heir, though it may be

No bigger than his thumb:

Of which old Merlin was foretold

That he his wish should have;

And so a son of stature small

The charmer to him gave.[185]

Thou'st heard the past—look up and see the future.

Thumb. Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink;[186]

See there, Glumdalca, see another me![187]

Glum. O, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd

By the expanded jaws of a red cow.

Merl. Let not these sights deter thy noble mind,

For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes.[188]

See from afar a theatre arise;

There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay

To the heroic actions of this day;

Then buskin tragedy at length shall choose

Thy name the best supporter of her muse.

Thumb. Enough: let every warlike music sound.

We fall contented, if we fall renown'd.

Scene IX.

Lord Grizzle, Foodle, Rebels, on one side; Tom Thumb, Glumdalca, on the other.

Food. At length the enemy advances nigh,

I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.[189]

Griz. Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight,

And liberty the mustard is of life.[190]

Thumb. Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name?

Griz. Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb?[191]

Thumb. The same.

Griz. Come on, our worth upon ourselves we'll prove;

For liberty I fight.

Thumb. And I for love.

[A bloody engagement between the two armies; drums beating, trumpets sounding, thunder, lightning, They fight off and on several times. Some fall. Grizzle and Glumdalca remain.

Glum. Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly.

Griz. Away—thou art too ignoble for my arm.

Glum. Have at thy heart.

Griz. Nay, then I thrust at thine.

Glum. You push too well; you've run me through the body,

And I am dead.

Griz. Then there's an end of one.

Thumb. When thou art dead, then there's an end of two.

Villain.[192]

Griz. Tom Thumb!

Thumb. Rebel!

Griz. Tom Thumb!

Thumb. Hell!

Griz. Huncamunca!

Thumb. Thou hast it there.

Griz. Too sure I feel it.

Thumb. To hell then, like a rebel as you are,

And give my service to the rebels there.

Griz. Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy

Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send

My ghost to fetch her to the other world;[193]

It shall but bait at heaven, and then return.[194]

But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains:[195]

Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul,[196]

And gently whispers it to haste away.

I come, I come, most willingly I come.

So when some city wife, for country air,

To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair,

Her to make haste her husband does implore,

And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door:"

With equal wish, desirous to be gone,

She gets into the coach, and then she cries—"Drive on!"

Thumb. With those last words he vomited his soul,[197]

Which, like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down.[198]

Bear off the body, and cut off the head,

Which I will to the king in triumph lug.

Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast.

Scene X.

King, Queen, Huncamunca, Courtiers.

King. Open the prisons, set the wretched free,

And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds

To pay their debts. Let no one weep to-day.

Come, Dollallolla; curse that odious name![199]

It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it.

By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll,

Or any other civil monosyllable,

That will not tire my tongue. Come, sit thee down.

Here seated let us view the dancers' sports;

Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day

Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb;

Tom Thumb! who wins two victories to-day,[200]

And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head. [A dance here.

Nood. Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible—Oh! oh!

Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes!

Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost!

Howl wolves; grunt, bears; hiss, snakes; shriek, all ye ghosts![201]

King. What does the blockhead mean?

Nood. I mean, my liege,

Only to grace my tale with decent horror.[202]

Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high,

I look'd abroad into the streets below,

I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob;

Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links,

Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, drabs;

Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle;

When of a sudden through the streets there came

A cow, of larger than the usual size,

And in a moment—guess, oh! guess the rest!—

And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb.

King. Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer

Not give three farthings out—hang all the culprits,

Guilty or not—no matter. Kill my cows!

Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys!

Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose,

To rob, impose on, and to kill the world.

Nood. Her majesty the queen is in a swoon.

Queen. Not so much in a swoon but I have still

Strength to reward the messenger of ill news. [Kills Noodle.

Nood. Oh! I am slain.

Cle. My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. [Kills the Queen.

Hunc. My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware. [Kills Cleora.

Dood. This for an old grudge to thy heart. [Kills Huncamunca.

Must. And this

I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. [Kills Doodle.

King. Ha! murderess vile, take that. [Kills Must.

And take thou this.[203] [Kills himself, and falls.

So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards,

Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards,

Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down,

Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown;

So all our pack upon the floor is cast,

And all I boast is—that I fall the last. [Dies.

Chrononhotonthologos:

THE MOST TRAGICAL TRAGEDY, THAT EVER WAS TRAGEDIZ'D BY ANY COMPANY OF TRAGEDIANS.

——♦——

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.