THE OLOGIES.

We’re going to begin with an ample Apology;

You’ll end, we are sure, by a hearty Doxology,

If, all undeterred by our strange Phraseology,

You chose to sit down to a dish of Tautology.

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One’s pestered in these days by so many ’ologies,

We thought we would fain see the tale of our foes;

A niche of your own in the new Martyrologies

You’d earn if you’d only go halves in our woes.

We’v counted some forty! but how many more there are,

We’re even now wholly unable to say;

We fear that at least the same number in store there are,

You’ll say we have found quite enough for one day.

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“So now for our Catalogue: first comes Anthology—

A bouquet of flowers, a budget of rhymes;

That’s pleasant—not so the next, called Anthropology,

The science of man in all ages and climes.

“Then comes a most useful pursuit, Arachnology;

They’re bipeds, the spiders who weave the worst webs;

But when one is asked to go in for Astrology,

And Zadkiel! one’s courage most rapidly ebbs.

“The next on our roster is old Archæology,

A science that’s lately been much in repute;

One can’t say as much for Electro-biology,

Which now-o’-days no one seems ever to bruit.

“But none can afford to make light of Chronology,

Tho’ ladies are apt to be dark upon dates;

We most of us make rather light of Conchology

Except when the oyster-shell gapes on our plates.

“The Devil’s deposed they say, and Demonology

Would certainly seem to have gone to the De’il;

Some savants, like Hooker, still swallow Dendrology,

But tree-names are somewhat too tough for my meal.

“The parsons are great upon Ecclesiology,

And prate about proper pyramidal piles;

Few travelers care to neglect Entomology,

Their wakefulness often its study beguiles.

“’Twould take you a life-time to learn Etymology,

And dabblers get into most marvellous scrapes;

And Huxley would tell you as much of Ethnology,—

Who really believes we are cousins of apes?

“Dean Buckland it was who first started Geology,

And traced the rock pedigrees, fixing their ranks;

And Frank has of late taken up Ichthyology,

The salmon already have voted him thanks.

“Von Humboldt had fairly exhausted Kosmology,

But Nature’s a quite inexhaustible mine;

Napoleon has fulfilled a new Martyrology,

Imbrued with the purest blue-blood of the Rhine.

“We all of us thought we were deep in Mythology,

Till Cox and Max Müller both deepened its well;

Our sons may learn something of Meteorology—

The weather our prophets all fail to foretell.

“The study of life is bound up with Necrology,

And we shall have one day to enter its lists,—

And furnish some specimens for Osteology,

The science of bones, on which Owen exists.

“At breakfast we’re seldom averse to Oology,

Or lunch, when the plovers are pleased to lay eggs;

But then one would bar embryonic Ontology,

Preferring fowls full-grown with breast, wings, and legs!

“For oh! we decidedly like Ornithology

And chiefly the study of grouse on the wing;

We’d leave it to doctors to study Pathology;

The study of pain is a troublesome thing.

“We all of us need a small dose of Philology,

If caring to make the best use of our tongues;

A careful attention to strict Phraseology

Involves a most notable saving of lungs.

“The study of heads has been christened Phrenology,

Professors would call it the study of brain;

But take my advice, and avoid Pneumatology,

For spirits are apt to treat brains with disdain.

“For much the same reason, we’d banish Psychology,—

What savant can give an account of his soul?

And if we could only abolish Theology,

The parsons alone would be hard to console!

“If ever you happened to study Splanchnology,

You’d know what it is theologians lack,—

Inquisitors never complain of Tautology,

So long as rank heretics roar on the rack.

“And now is the time to strike up your Doxology,

For we would no longer detain you, my friend;—

On Sunday we all have a turn for Zoology,

So here is our Catalogue come to an end.”