Humorous Hits and How to Hold an Audience / A Collection of Short Selections, Stories and Sketches for All Occasions

by Unknown

HUMOROUS HITS
AND
How to Hold an Audience

A COLLECTION OF SHORT SELECTIONS,
STORIES AND SKETCHES
FOR ALL OCCASIONS

By

GRENVILLE KLEISER

Author of "How to Speak in Public"

THIRTEENTH EDITION

FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY
NEW YORK AND LONDON

Copyright 1908 by
FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY
Printed in the United States of America
Published March, 1908

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INTRODUCTORY

In preparing this volume the author has been guided by his own platform experience extending over twelve years. During that time he has given hundreds of public recitals before audiences of almost every description, and in all parts of the country. It may not be considered presumptuous, therefore, for him to offer some practical suggestions on the art of entertaining and holding an audience, and to indicate certain selections which he has found have in themselves the elements of success.

The "encore fiend," as he is sometimes called, is so ubiquitous and insistent that no speaker or reader can afford to ignore him, and, indeed, must prepare for him in advance. To find material that will satisfy him in one or in a dozen of the ordinary books of selections is an almost impossible task. It is only too obvious that many compilations of the kind are put together by persons who have had little or no practical platform experience. In an attempt to remedy this defect this volume has been prepared.

It is believed that the book will be valuable not only to the amateur and the professional reader, speaker, elocutionist, and entertainer, but also to the after-dinner and impromptu speaker, the politician who wants to make a "hit," the business man who wishes to tell a good story and tell it effectively, the school-teacher in arranging her "Friday Afternoon" programs, as well as for reading aloud in the family circle, and for many other occasions.

Providing, as this work does, helpful hints on how to hold an audience, it is hoped that the additional suggestions offered regarding the use of the voice and its modulation, the art of pausing, the development of feeling and energy, the use of gesture and action, the cultivation of the imagination, the committing of selections to memory, and the standing before an audience, while not as elaborate and detailed as found in a regular manual of elocution, will be of practical benefit to those who can not conveniently command the services of a personal instructor.

The author has been greatly assisted in this undertaking not only by the kind permission of publishers and authors to use their copyrighted work, but also by the hearty cooperation of many distinguished platform speakers and readers who have generously contributed successful selections not hitherto published.

The author gratefully acknowledges the special permission granted him by the publishers to print the following copyright selections: "Keep A-goin'!" the Bobbs-Merrill Company, "A Modern Romance," the Publishers of The Smart Set; "The Fool's Prayer," Houghton, Mifflin & Company; "Mammy's Li'l Boy," and "'Späcially Jim," the Century Company; "Counting One Hundred," the Lothrop, Lee & Shepard Company; "At Five O'clock Tea," the Publishers of Lippincott's Magazine.

Grenville Kleiser.

New York City, February, 1908.

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CONTENTS

INTRODUCTORY		[v]
PART I—HOW TO HOLD AN AUDIENCE
The Voice		[4]
The Breath		[6]
Modulation		[8]
Pausing		[10]
Feeling and Energy		[11]
Gesture and Action		[12]
Impersonation		[13]
Articulation and Pronunciation		[13]
Imagination		[14]
How to Memorize a Selection		[16]
Before the Audience		[18]
PART II—HUMOROUS HITS
The Train-misser	James Whitcomb Riley	[23]
The Elocutionist's Curfew	W. D. Nesbit	[24]
Melpomenus Jones	Stephen Leacock	[25]
Her Fifteen Minutes	Tom Masson	[28]
The Foxes' Tails	Anonymous	[29]
The Dead Kitten	"	[33]
The Weather Fiend	"	[34]
The Race Question	Paul Laurence Dunbar	[35]
When the Woodbine Turns Red	Anonymous	[38]
Cupid's Casuistry	W. J. Lampton	[39]
When Mah Lady Yawns	Charles T. Grilley	[39]
Watchin' the Sparkin'	Fred Emerson Brooks	[40]
The Way of a Woman	Byron W. King	[42]
The Yacht Club Speech	Anonymous	[43]
Mammy's Li'l' Boy	H. S. Edwards	[44]
Corydon	Thomas Bailey Aldrich	[47]
Gib Him One ub Mine	Daniel Webster Davis	[49]
A Lesson with the Fan	Anonymous	[50]
The Undertow	Carrie Blake Morgan	[51]
Marketing	Anonymous	[52]
A Spring Idyl on "Grass"	Nixon Waterman	[52]
Introducin' the Speecher	Edwin L. Barker	[54]
Counting One Hundred	James M. Bailey	[57]
They Never Quarreled	Anonymous	[58]
Song of the "L"	Grenville Kleiser	[60]
The Village Oracle	J. L. Harbour	[62]
If I Can Be by Her	Benjamin Franklin King	[65]
McCarthy and McManus	Anonymous	[66]
And She Cried	Minna Irving	[68]
Dot Leedle Boy	James Whitcomb Riley	[69]
Mr. Dooley on the Grip	Finlay Peter Dunne	[73]
A Rainy Day Episode	Anonymous	[75]
I Knew He Would Come if I Waited	H. G. Williamson	[76]
Love's Moods and Senses	Anonymous	[77]
A Nocturnal Sketch	Thomas Hood	[78]
Katie's Answer	Anonymous	[79]
"'Späcially Jim"	"	[80]
Agnes, I Love Thee!	"	[81]
The Gorilla	"	[82]
Banging a Sensational Novelist	"	[83]
Hopkins' Last Moments	"	[84]
The Fairies' Tea	"	[85]
Counting Eggs	Anonymous	[86]
The Oatmobile	"	[87]
Almost Beyond Endurance	James Whitcomb Riley	[89]
Proof Positive	Anonymous	[90]
The Irish Philosopher	"	[91]
Belagcholly	"	[93]
A Pantomime Speech	"	[93]
The Original Lamb	"	[95]
When Pa Was a Boy	S. E. Kiser	[95]
The Freckled-faced Girl	Anonymous	[96]
Willie	Max Ehrmann	[98]
Amateur Night	Anonymous	[98]
Bounding the United States	John Fiske	[101]
Der Dog und der Lobster	Anonymous	[102]
He Laughed Last	"	[103]
Norah Murphy and the Spirits	Henry Hatton	[104]
Opie Read	Wallace Bruce Amsbary	[107]
The Village Choir	Anonymous	[108]
Billy of Nebraska	J. W. Bengough	[110]
Dot Lambs Vot Mary Haf Got	Anonymous	[112]
Georga Washingdone	"	[113]
Da 'Mericana Girl	T. A. Daly	[114]
Becky Miller	Anonymous	[115]
Pat and the Mayor	"	[116]
The Wind and the Moon	George MacDonald	[118]
Total Annihilation	Anonymous	[120]
Ups and Downs of Married Life	"	[121]
The Crooked Mouth Family	"	[122]
"Imph-m"	"	[124]
The Usual Way	"	[125]
Nothing Suited Him	"	[126]
A Litte Feller	"	[126]
Robin Tamson's Smiddy	Alexander Rodger	[127]
A Big Mistake	Anonymous	[129]
Lord Dundreary's Letter	"	[131]
Slang Phrases	"	[133]
The Merchant and the Book Agent	"	[134]
The Coon's Lullaby	"	[136]
Parody on Barbara Frietchie	"	[137]
Before and After	Charles T. Grilley	[139]
When Greek Meets Greek	Anonymous	[140]
Mr. Potts' Story	Max Adeler	[141]
At Five O'clock Tea	Morris Wade	[143]
Keep A-goin'!	Frank L. Stanton	[145]
A Lover's Quarrel	Cynthia Coles	[146]
Casey at the Bat	Phineas Thayer	[147]
Familiar Lines	Anonymous	[149]
A Friendly Game of Checkers	"	[150]
Modern Romance	Henry M. Blossom, Jr.	[152]
Lullaby	Paul Laurence Dunbar	[153]
The Reason Why	Mary E. Bradley	[154]
How a Bachelor Sews on a Button	Anonymous	[154]
Christopher Columbus	"	[155]
The Fly	"	[156]
The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell"	W. S. Gilbert	[157]
I Tol' Yer So	John L. Heaton	[160]
"You Git Up!"	Joe Kerr	[161]
Presentation of the Trumpet	Anonymous	[162]
Don't Use Big Words	"	[163]
Der Mule Shtood on der Steamboad Deck	"	[164]
The New School Reader	"	[165]
The Poor Was Mad	Charles Battell Loomis	[167]
Lides to Bary Jade	Anonymous	[168]
"Charlie Must not Ring To-night"	Anonymous	[169]
A Short Encore	"	[170]
My Double, and How He Undid Me	Edward Everett Hale	[171]
Romance of a Hammock	Anonymous	[173]
Finnigin to Flannigan	S. W. Gillinan	[175]
An Introduction	Mark Twain	[177]
The Harp of a Thousand Strings	Joshua S. Morris	[177]
The Difficulty of Riming	Anonymous	[179]
So Was I	Joseph Bert Smiley	[181]
The Enchanted Shirt	John Hay	[183]
Deb Oak und der Vine	Charles Follen Adams	[185]
The Ship of Faith	Anonymous	[187]
He Wanted to Know	"	[188]
An Opportunity	"	[190]
Gape-seed	"	[190]
Lariat Bill	"	[192]
The Candidate	Bill Nye	[193]
One Afternoon	Anonymous	[196]
Not In It	"	[198]
A Twilight Idyl	Robert J. Burdette	[199]
Lavery's Hens	Anonymous	[201]
Lisp	"	[202]
They Met by Chance	"	[203]
The Bridegroom's Toast	"	[203]
Rehearsing for Private Theatricals	Stanley Huntley	[204]
The V-a-s-e	James Jeffrey Roche	[206]
Papa and the Boy	J. L. Harbour	[208]
The Obstructive Hat in the Pit	F. Anstey	[210]
Hullo	S. W. Foss	[213]
The Dutchman's Telephone	Anonymous	[214]
Doctor Marigold	Charles Dickens	[216]
The Ruling Passion	William H. Siviter	[219]
The Dutchman's Serenade	Anonymous	[220]
Widow Malone	Charles Lever	[222]
His Leg Shot Off	Anonymous	[224]
The Stuttering Umpire	The Khan	[225]
The Man Who Will Make a Speech	Anonymous	[227]
Carlotta Mia	T. A. Daly	[228]
The Vassar Girl	Wallace Irwin	[229]
A Short Sermon	Anonymous	[231]
A Lancashire Dialectic Sketch	"	[232]
His Blackstonian Circumlocution	"	[233]
Katrina Likes Me Poody Vell	"	[234]
At the Restaurant	"	[235]
A-feared of a Gal	"	[237]
Leaving out the Joke	"	[238]
The Cyclopeedy	Eugene Field	[239]
Echo	John G. Saxe	[244]
Our Railroads	Anonymous	[245]
Wakin' the Young 'Uns	John C. Boss	[247]
Pat's Reason	Anonymous	[249]
Quit Your Foolin'	"	[250]
She Would Be a Mason	James L. Laughton	[251]
Henry the Fifth's Wooing	Shakespeare	[254]
Scene from "The Rivals"	Richard Brinsley Sheridan	[258]
Scenes from "Rip Van Winkle"	As Recited by Burbank	[261]
PART III—SERIOUS HITS
If We Had the Time	Richard Burton	[267]
The Fool's Prayer	Edward Rowland Sill	[268]
The Eve of Waterloo	Byron	[269]
The Wreck of the Julie Plante	W. H. Drummond	[271]
Father's Way	Eugene Field	[272]
I Am Content	Carmen Sylva Translation	[274]
The Eagle's Song	Richard Mansfield	[275]
Break, Break, Break	Alfred, Lord Tennyson	[277]
Virginius	Macaulay	[277]
The Women of Mumbles Head	Clement Scott	[279]
William Tell and His Boy	William Baine	[282]
Lasca	F. Desprez	[284]
The Volunteer Organist	S. W. Foss	[287]
Life Compared to a Game of Cards	Anonymous	[289]
Old Daddy Turner	"	[290]
The Tramp	"	[292]
The Dandy Fifth	F. H. Gassaway	[293]
On Lincoln	Walt Whitman	[296]
The Little Stowaway	Anonymous	[296]
Saint Crispian's Day	Shakespeare	[299]
The C'rrect Card	George R. Sims	[300]
The Engineer's Story	Rosa H. Thorpe	[303]
The Face Upon the Floor	H. Antoine D'Arcy	[306]
The Funeral of the Flowers	T. De Witt Talmage	[309]
Cato's Soliloquy on Immortality	Joseph Addison	[311]
Opportunity	John J. Ingalls	[312]
Opportunity's Reply	Walter Malone	[312]
The Earl-king	Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe	[313]
Carcassonne	M. E. W. Sherwood	[314]
The Musicians	Anonymous	[315]
On the Rappahannock	"	[317]
Como	Joaquin Miller	[319]
Aux Italiens	Owen Meredith	[322]

PART I
HOW TO HOLD AN AUDIENCE

To hold the interest of an audience and to successfully entertain it—whether from public platform, in fraternal organization, by after-dinner speech, or in the home circle—is a worthy accomplishment. Moreover, the memorizing of selections and rendering them before an audience is one of the best preparations for the larger and more important work of public speaking. Many of our most successful after-dinner speakers depend almost entirely upon their ability to tell a good story.

The art of reciting and story-telling has become so popular in recent years that a wide-spread demand has arisen for books of selections and suggestions for rendering them. Material suitable for encores has been particularly difficult to find. It is thought, therefore, that the present volume, containing as it does a great variety of short numbers, will meet with approval.

There is, perhaps, no talent that is more entertaining and more instructive than that of reciting aloud specimens of prose and poetry, both humorous and serious, from our best writers. Channing says:

"Is there not an amusement, having an affinity with the drama, which might be usefully introduced among us? I mean, Recitation.

"A work of genius, recited by a man of fine taste, enthusiasm, and powers of elocution, is a very pure and high gratification.

"Were this art cultivated and encouraged, great numbers, now insensible to the most beautiful compositions, might be waked up to their excellence and power.

"It is not easy to conceive of a more effectual way of spreading a refined taste through a community. The drama undoubtedly appeals more strongly to the passions than recitation; but the latter brings out the meaning of the author more. Shakespeare, worthily recited, would be better understood than on the stage.

"Recitation, sufficiently varied, so as to include pieces of chaste wit, as well as of pathos, beauty, and sublimity, is adapted to our present intellectual progress."

To recite well, and to be able to hold an audience, one should be trained in the proper use of the voice and body in expression. This requires painstaking study and preparation. It is a mistake to suppose that much can be safely left to impulse and the inspiration of the occasion. With all great artists everything is premeditated, studied, and rehearsed beforehand.

Salvini, the great Italian tragedian, said to the pupils in his art: "Above all, study,—study,—STUDY. All the genius in the world will not help you along with any art, unless you become a hard student. It has taken me years to master a single part."