[128.] Caricature of different religious sects. 1646.
AdamiteSeeker
ArminianDiuorcer
AnabaptistIesuit
[78.] One said Physitians had the best of it, for, if they did well, the world did proclaime it, if ill, the earth did cover it.
[77.] Upon a time, as Tarlton and his Wife (as passengers) came sailing from Southampton towards London, a mighty storme arose, and endangered the Ship, whereupon, the Captaine thereof charged every man to throw into the Sea the heaviest thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten somewhat the Ship. Tarlton, that had his Wife there, offered to throw her over-boord: but the company rescued her; and being asked wherefore he meant so to doe? he answerd, She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her.
[4.] A Welshman that was condemned to be hanged, had the benefit[154] of Clergy granted to him, and so was burnt in the Hand; which when it was doing, they bid him say. God bless the King. Nay, says he, God bless hur Father and Mother; for if they had not taught hur to read, hur might have been hanged for all the King.
[154] This plea was put in for mitigation of punishment, the person presumably being a clerk or learned person, exemplified by his being able to read, the punishment then being commuted to burning on the hand. In later days it became a farce, as a bribe would have the effect of being apparently branded with only a warm or cold iron.
[4.] One asking a certain Person how his friend came off at the Sessions House? he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand; Pish, says the other, that's a small matter; for, for a little Fee, the'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron.
[5.]Marriage as old men note, hath likened bin
Unto a publique feast, or common route,
Where those that are without, would fain get in,
And those that are within would faine get out.
[26.] A Gentleman that had a great Wit, and well belov'd among the great ones, and therefore invited often amongst them; but it seems had a very sore Leg; he, being at a Noble mans Table, greedily cat'd at a Goblet of Wine. Says my Lord to him, Prithee Jack drink it not, for 'twill hurt thy Leg. O my Lord, says he, take no care for my Leg, for I have care enough of that, for I always drink o' the t' other side.
The Cruell Shrow:[155]
or
The Patient Mans Woe
Declaring the misery, and the great paine
By his unquiet wife he doth dayly sustaine.
To the Tune of Cuckolds all arowe.
[90.]Come Batchelors and Married Men,
and listen to my Song;
And I will shew you plainely then,
the injury and wrong
That constantly I doe sustaine,
by the unhappy life,
The which does put me to great paine,
by my unquiet Wife.
Shee never linnes[156] her bauling,
her tongue it so loud,
But alwaies shee'l be railing,
and will not be contrould;
For she the Briches still will weare,
although it breedes my strife,
If I were now a Batchelor,
I'de never have a Wife.
Sometime I goe i' th' morning
about my dayly worke,
My wife she will be snorting,
and in her bed she'le lurke;
Untill the Chimes doe goe at Eight,
then she'le begin to wake,
Her mornings draught well spiced straight,
to cleare her eyes she'le take.
As soon as shee is out of bed,
her Looking Glass she takes,
So vainely is she dayly led,
her mornings worke she makes;
In putting on her brave atyre,
that fine and costly be,
Whilst I worke hard in durt and mire,
alacke what remedy.
Then she goes forth a Gossiping,
amongst her own Comrades,
And then she falls a bowsing[157]
with her merry blades:
When I come from my labour hard,
then shee'le begin to scould,
And calls me Rogue without regard,
which makes my heart full cold.
When I for quietnesse sake desire,
my wife for to be still;
She will not grant what I require,
but sweares shee'le have her will;
Then if I chance to heave my hand,
straightway she'le murder cry;
Then judge all Men that here do stand
in what a Case am I.
And if a Friend by chance me call,
to drinke a pot of Beere;
Then she'le begin to curse and brall,
and fight and scratch and teare:
And sweares unto my worke she'le send
me straight without delay,
Or else with the same Cudgels end,
shee will me soundly pay.
And if I chance to sit at meate
upon some holy day,
She is so sullen she will not eate,
but vexe me ever and aye:
She'le pout, and loure, and curse and bann,
this is the weary life,
That I do leade, poore harmlesse man,
with my most dogged wife.
Then is not this a pitteous Cause,
let all men now it trie,
And give their verdits by the Lawes,
betweene my wife and I:
And judge the Cause who is to blame,
Ile to their Judgement stand,
And be contented with the same
and put thereto my hand.
If I abroad goe any where,
my businesse for to doe,
Then will my Wife anone be there,
for to encrease my woe;
Straightway she such a noise will make,
with her most wicked tongue,
That all her Mates her part to take,
about me soon will thronge.
Thus am I now tormented still,
with my most wicked Wife,
All through her wicked tongue so ill
I am weary of my life:
I know not truely what to doe,
nor how myselfe to mend:
This lingring life doth breede my woe,
I would 'twere at an ende.
O that some harmlesse honest man,
whom Death did so befriend,
To take his Wife from of his hand,
his sorrowes for to end:
Would change with me to rid my care,
and take my Wife alive,
For his dead Wife unto his share,
then I would hope to thrive.
But so it likely will not be,
that is the worst of all,
For to encrease my dayly woe
and for to breed my fall:
My wife is still most froward bent,
such is my lucklesse fate,
There is no man will be content,
with my unhappy state.
Thus to conclude and made an ende
of these my Verses rude,
I pray all wives for to amende,
and with peace to be endude:
Take warning all men by the life
that I sustained long,
Be carefull how you chuse a Wife,
and so Ile ende my Song.
FINIS.
Arthur Halliarg.[158]
London. Printed by M. P. for Henry Gosson[159] on London Bridge neere the Gate.
[155] For tune, see [Appendix].
[156] Ceases, or leaves off.
[157] Drinking.
[158] This ballad is supposed to be unique, and is the only known work of Halliarg, who is not mentioned by Hazlitt.
[159] The date of this ballad in the Museum Catalogue is 1610 (?).
[91.] A Bishop on a time examining one that sought to be admitted into the ministery, asked him how many Sacraments there were; to which question, he, after long pause, answered there were 9; Nine, quoth he, how prove you that? Why, quoth hee, there are 7 beyond sea, and two in England; at which the B. laughing at his ignorance, yet grieved for his folly, sent him away as worthily frustrate of his expectation.
[4.] A Man being ask'd whether his friend Tom, that was lately dead, had left him any Legacy? No, faith, says he, Not a Tester to drink his health.
[26.] In the Wars in Germany, between the Swedes and them, there was so great a Frost one Winter, that Two Men desiring to talk with one another, and one was on one side of the River, and t'other on the other, and as they spoke one to another, the Frost was so great, that it froze[160] up their words, which was not audible then, nor indeed (upon my reputation) could not be heard till Nine days after, when it chanc'd to thaw: which one of the company hearing said 'twas a brave Country to speak Treason in; for whatsoever a Man said, a Man could not be heard; Nay, the very lowings of the Bulls and Cows were froz'n up also, that the owners had much ado to find them to fodder them, for want of hearing them as formerly. Nay, by your favour, says another, there is another Country, which had as great a Conveniency to speak Treason in as that had, from 1648 to 1660, and there one might speak any sort of Treason, and was never call'd to an account for it: Nay, the more Treason they spoke, they were the better esteem'd; so that there was no need of a frost at that time in England.
[160] A somewhat similar story may be found previously, in Rabelais, and some sixty years subsequently, in Baron Munchausen.
[52.] There was a notable drunkard of Rochester, whom his wife perswaded as much as in her lay, to leave that Sinne; but the more she spake the worse he was, and because she controuled him, he would all to beat her, So she let him alone; and because his use was still to stay out till almost midnight, she went to bed, and bad her Maid tary up for him, and make a good fire: and the maid did as her Mistresse commanded. One night when he came home the Maid let him in, and he stood by the fire and warmed himself; but his head being too heavy for his body, down he fell into the fire along. The Maid ranne crying, Oh Mistresse, Mistresse, my Master is falne into the fire. No Matter, Maid (quoth she) let him take his pleasure in his owne house, where he will himselfe.
[4.]A Gentleman not richest in discretion,
Was alwayes sending for his own phisition.
And on a time he needs would of him know,
What was the cause his pulse did go so slow?
Why (quoth the Doctor) thus it comes to passe,
Must needs go slow, which goes upon an asse.
[82.] An unhappy boy that kept his father's sheepe in the country, did use to carry a paire[161] of Cards in his pocket, and meeting with boyes as good as himselfe would fall to Cards at the Cambrian game of whip-her-ginny,[162] or English one and thirty; at which sport, hee would some dayes lose a sheepe or two: for which if his father corrected him, hee (in revenge) would drive the sheepe home at night over a narrow bridge, where some of them falling besides the bridge, were drowned in the swift brooke. The old man being wearied with his ungracious dealing, complained to a Justice, thinking to affright him from doing any more the like. In briefe, before the Justice the youth was brought, where (using small reverence, and lesse manners) the Justice said to him, Sirrah, you are a notable villaine, you play at Cards, and lose your father's sheepe at one and thirty. The Boy replied that it was a lye. A lye, quoth the Justice, you saucy knave, dost thou give me the lye? No, qd the boy, I gave thee not the lye, but you told me the lye, for I never lost sheepe at one and thirty; for when my game was one and thirty I alwayes wonne. Indeed, said the Justice thou saist true, but I have another accusation against thee, which is, that you drive your fathers sheepe over a narrow bridge where some of them are oftentimes drowned: That's a lye too, quoth the boy, for those that go over the bridge are well enough, it is onely those that fall beside which are drowned: Whereto the Justice said to the boys father, Old man, thou hast brought in two false accusations against thy sonne for he never lost sheepe at one and thirty, nor were there ever any drowned that went over the bridge.
[161] A pack.
[162] The same author mentions this game again in "Taylors Motto," as also many other games then in vogue, the names of which are curious—
"The Prodigall's estate, like to a flux,
The Mercer, Draper, and the Silk man sucks;
The Taylor, Millainer, Dogs, Drabs and Dice,
Trey trip or Passage, or the Most at thrice;
At Irish, Tick tacke, Doublets, Draughts or Chesse,
He flings his money free with carelessnesse:
At Novum, Mumchance, mischance (chuse ye which)
At One and Thirty, or at Poore and rich,
Ruffe, flam, Trump, noddy, whisk, hole, Sant, New Cut,
Unto the keeping of foure Knaves he'l put
His whole estate at Loadum, or at Gleeke,
At Tickle me quickly, he's a merry Greeke,
At Primefisto, Post and payre, Primero,
Maw, Whip-her-ginny, he's a lib'rall Hero;
At My-sow-pigg'd: and (Reader never doubt ye,
He's skill'd in all games except) Looke about ye.
Bowles, shove-groate, tennis, no game comes amiss,
His purse a purse for any body is."
The
Unfortunate WELCH MAN
or
The Untimely Death of Scotch Jockey.
If her will Fight, her cause to right,
as daring to presume
To Kill and Slay, then well her may
take this to be her Doom.
To the Tune of The Country Farmer.
This may be Printed R.P.
[92.]Stout Shonny-ap-Morgan to London would ride,
To seek Cousen Taffie whatever betide;
Her own Sisters Son, whom her loved so dear,
Her had not beheld him this many long year:
Betimes in the morning stout Shonny arose,
And then on the Journey with Courage her goes,
A Cossit[163] of Gray was the best of her Close,
Her Boots they were out at the heels and the toes.
A Sword by her side, and with Bob the Gray Mare,
Her rid on the Road like a Champion so rare;
At last how it happened to her hard Lot,
To meet with young Jockey, a bonny brisk Scot;
Then Jockey was jolly, and thus he did say,
Let's gang to the Tavern, drink wine by my fay,
Then Shonny consented, and made no delay,
But Jockey left Shonny the Reckoning to pay.
While Morgan was merry, and thinking no ill,
The Scotchman he used the best of his skill;
Considering how he might scamper away,
For why Sir, he never intended to pay:
But like a false Loon he slipt out of door,
And never intended to come there no more,
Poor Shonny-ap-Morgan, was left for the Score,
Cotzo her was never so served before.
Her paying the Shot, then away her went,
The Welch blood was up, and her mind was bent,
For speedy pursuing he then did prepare,
Then Morgan did mount upon Bob the Gray Mare:
Then Whip and Spur stout Shonny did ride,
And overtook Jockey near to a Wood side,
And pull'd out her Sword in the height of her Pride,
And wounded poor Jockey who presently dy'd.
Then Shonny was taken and hurry'd to Jail,
Where her till the Sessions did weep and bewail;
And then at the last, by the Laws of the Land,
Was brought to the Bar to hold up her Hand;
O good her Lord Shudge poor Shonny did cry,
Now Whip her, and send her to Wales her Country;
Or cut off a Leg, or an Arm, or an Eye,
For her is undone, if Condemned to dye.
But this would not do, poor Shonny was cast,
And likewise received her sentence at last;
A Gentleman Robber just at the same time,
Received just Sentence then due for his Crime;
Then Shonny-ap-Morgan her shed many tears,
Her heart was possessed with sorrow and fears,
The Gentleman Thief likewise hung down his ears,
For then he expected his antient Arrears.
The day being come, they must both bid adieu,
Forsaking the world and the rest of their Crew;
The Spark was attir'd so gallant and gay,
But Shonny was poor, and in ragged array:
And when they came both to the Gibbet Tree,
The Gentleman gave to the Hangman a Fee,
And said, let this Welch man Hang farther from me,
So vile and so ragged a Rascal is he.
The Welch-man he heard him, and was in a rage,
That nothing almost, could his anger asswage;
But fretting and chaffing, he thus did begin,
Her will make her to know that her came of good kin;
Besides her will tell her her hearty belief,
That her is no more than a Gentleman Thief,
That robbed on the Roads, and the Plain and the Heath,
Her now will Hang by her in spight of her teeth.
FINIS.
Printed for J. Deacon at the Angel in Guiltspur Street.
[163] ? Corset.
[82.] A Country fellow (that had not walked much in streets that were paved) came to London, where a dog came suddenly out of a house, and furiously ran at him: the fellow stooped to take up a stone to cast at the Dog, and finding them all fast rammed, or paved in the ground; quoth hee, what strange Country am I in? where the people tye up the stones, and let the dogs loose.
[93.] George (Peele), with others of his Associates, being mery together at the Taverne, having more store of Coyne than usually they did possesse; although they were regardlesse of their silver, yet they intended for a season to be good husbands, if they knew how to be sparing of that their pockets were then furnished withall: Five pounds they had amongst them, and a plot must be cast how they might bee merrie with extraordinarie cheere three or foure dayes, and keepe their five pounds whole in stocke: George Peele was the man must doe it, or none, and generally they coniured him by their loves, his owne credit, and the reputation that went on him, that he would but in this shew his wit: and, withall, hee should have all the furtherance that in them lay. George as easie, as they earnest, to be wonne to such an exploit, consented and gathered their money together, and gave it all to George, who should be their purse bearer, and the other foure should seeme as servants to George Peele and the better to colour it, they should goe change their cloakes, the one like the other, so neere as they could possible: the which, at Beelzebub's brother, the Broker's, they might quickly doe: This was soone accomplished, and George was furnished with his blacke Sattin suit, and a paire of bootes, which were as familiar to his legges, as the pillory to a Bakers or Colliers[164] necke, and hee sufficiently possest his friends with the whole scope of his intent, as, gentle Reader, the sequell will shew. Instantly they tooke a paire of Oares, whose armes were to make a false gallop no further than Brainford, where their faire was paid to them so liberally, that each of them the next tide to London, purchased two new wastcoates, yet should these good benefactors come to their usuall places of trade, and if they spie a better fare than their owne, that happily the Gentleman hath more minde to goe withall, they will not onely fall out with him that is of their owne sweet transporters, as they are, but abuse the fare they carrie with foule speeches, as, a Pox, or the Devill go with you: as their Godfather Caron the Ferry-man of Hell hath taught them. I speake not this of all, but of some that are brought up in the East, some in the West, some in the North, but most part in the South: but for the rest they are honest compleat men, leaving them to come to my honest George; who is now merry at the three Pigeons[165] in Braineford, with Sacke and Sugar, not any wine wanting, the Musicians playing, my host drinking, my hostis dauncing with the worshipfull Justice, for so then he was tearmed, and his Mansion house in Kent, who came thither of purpose to be merry with his men; because he could not so conveniently neere home, by reason of a shrewish wife he had: my gentle hostis gave him all the entertainment the house could afford, for M. Peele had paid royally; for all his five pounds was come to ten groats. Now George Peele's wit labors to bring in that five pounds there was spent, which was soone begotten. Being sot at dinner, My host, quoth George, how fals the Tyde out for London; not till the evening, quoth mine Hoste, have you any businesse, Sir? Yes, marry, quoth George, I intend not to goe home this two dayes: Therefore, my Hoste, saddle my man a horse for London, if you be so well furnished, for I must send him for one bag more, quoth George, ten pounds hath seen no Sunne this six moneths. I am ill furnished if I cannot furnish you with that, quoth my Hoste, and presently sadled him a good Nag, and away rides one of George's men to London, attending the good house of his Master Peele in London; In the meane time George bespeakes great cheare to Supper, saying he expected some of his friends from London. Now you must imagine there was not a peny owing in the house, for he had paid as liberall as Cæsar, as far as Cæsar's wealth went. For indeed most of the money was one Cæsar's an honest man yet living in London: but to the Catastrophe. All the day before, had one of the other men of George Peele been a great soliciter to my Hostis, she would beg leave of his Master he might go see a Maid, a sweet heart of his, so farre as Kingstone, and before his Master went to bed, he would returne againe; saying he was sure shee might command it at his Masters hands. My kinde Hostis willing to pleasure the yong fellow, knowing in her time what belonged to such matters, went to Master Peele, and moved him in it: which he angerly refused. But she was so earnest in it, that shee swore hee should not deny her, protesting he went but to see an uncle of his some five miles off. Marry, I thanke you, quoth George, my good Hostis, would you so discredit me, or hath the knave no more wit, than at this time to goe, knowing I have no horse here, and would he, base cullian, go afoot? Nay, good Sir, quoth mine Hostis, be not angry, it is not his intent to goe afoot; for hee shall have my Mare, and I will assure you, Sir, upon my word, he shall be here againe, to have you to bed. Wel, quoth George, Hostis Ile take you at your word, let him goe, his negligence shall light upon you. So be it, quoth mine Hostis: so down goeth she, and sends away civill Thomas, for so she cal'd him, to his sweet heart backt upon her Mare: which Thomas instead of riding to Kingstone, tooke London in his way, where, meeting with my other horseman, attended the arrivall of George Peele, which was not long after. They are at London, George in his Chamber at Brainford, accompanied with none but one Anthony Nit, a Barber, who Din'd and Sup't with him continually, of whom he had borowed a Lute to passe away the melancholy afternoone, of which he could play as well as Banke's[166] his horse. The Barber very modestly takes his leave; George obsequiously bids him to supper, who (God willing) would not faile. George being left alone with his two supposed men, gave them the meane how to escape, and, walking in the Court, George found fault with the weather, saying it was rawish, and cold: which words mine Hostis hearing, my kinde Hostis fetched her Husbands holiday Gowne; which George thankfully put about him, and withall called for a cup of Sacke, after which he would walke into the Meddowes, and practise upon his Lute. 'Tis good for your worship to do so, quoth mine Hostis: which walk George took directly to Sion,[167] where, having the advantage of a paire of Oares at hand, made this Journey to London, his two Associates behind, had the plot in their heads by Georges instruction for their escape: for they knew he was gone; my Hostis, she was in the Market buying of provision for Supper: mine Hoste he was at Tables,[168] and my two masterlesse men desired the maids to excuse them if their Master came, for, quoth they, we will goe drinke two pots with my Smug Smithes wife at old Brainford. I warrant you, quoth the Maides. So away went my men to the Smith's at old Brainford; from thence to London, where they all met, and sold the Horse and the Mare, the Gowne and the Lute, which money was as badly spent, as it was lewdly got. How my Hoste and my Hostis lookt when they saw the event of this; goe but to the three Pigeons at Brainford, you shall know.
[164] Now termed coal merchants.
[165] This sign, which exists at Brentford now, was that of a famous house at that time. It is noticed in the old comedy of "The Roaring Girl, or the Catchpole," thus—
"Thou art admirably suited for the Three Pigeons
At Brentford; I swear I know thee not."
And Ben Jonson in his "Alchemist" makes Subtle say to Doll Common, "We will turn our course to Brainford, westward, if thou saist the word.... My fine flitter-mouse[165a] my bird o' the night, wee'll tickle it at the pigeons." It has been suggested, with some show of probability, that this sign took its origin from the three doves which Noah sent out from the ark.
[165a] A bat.
[166] See [footnote], p. 125. (Footnote 77)
[167] Sion House, now the seat of the Duke of Northumberland, is opposite the western end of Kew Gardens.
[168] Backgammon, or any other games played on the same board.
[94.] Two being in a Tavern, the one swore the other should pledge him: why then, quoth the other, I will; who went presently down the stairs, and left him as a pledge for the Reckoning.
[91.] First my mother brought me forth, when shortly after, I, the Daughter, bring forth my mother againe.
Resolution. Of water is first made ice, which afterwards melts, and brings forth water againe, and so the daughter brings forth the mother, as the mother first the daughter.