The Humour of Bumpkin.
Argument needless, It being a Thorow Farce
very well known—
[75.] Actors Names.
Acteon, three Huntsmen, Bumpkin, three Country Wenches.
Enter first Huntsman, and Bumkin.
1. Hunt. Why, what's the matter?
Bump. Nay, I know not; but every day my great Guts, and my small Guts make such a Combustion in my belly, as passes, and my Puddings, (like Lances) run a-tilt at my heart, and make me queasie-stomacht.
1. Hunt. Canst thou not guess the reason of this trouble?
Bump. Yes, I think I can, and I'le be judged by thee, if my case be not desperate. I have a horrible mind to be in love.
1. Hunt. With whom?
Bump. With any body; but I cannot find out the way how to be in Love.
1. Hunt. Why? I'le instruct thee: Cans't thou be melancholly?
Bump. Yes, as a Dog, or a Hog-louse; I could even find it in my heert to cry presently.
1. Hunt. Canst thou sleep well?
Bump. I cannot tell, I never saw myself sleep.
1. Hunt. Is't possible that thou so long been an attendant upon my Lord Acteon, shoulds't be to learn the way to be in love.
Bump. I would it were not possible, on the condition thou wert hang'd and quartered.
1. Hunt. I thank you, Sir. But Bumpkin list to me; This day thou knows't the Maids and Young men meet to sport, and revel it about the May pole: Present thy self there, tell thy cause of grief, and I dare warrant thee a Sweet-heart presently.
Bump. If thou cans't do that, Ile marry her first and learn to love her afterwards.
1. Hunt. Hast hither, Bumpkin I'le go on before
(Exit)
Bump. And I will follow thee a dog trot. Is it not a pitty: that a man of Authority as I am, having been chief Dog-Keeper to my Lord Acteon this five years, being a man so comely of person, and having such a pure complexion, that all fair Ladies may be ashamed to look on me, and that I should be distressed for a Sweet-heart? Maypole I come.
And if the Wenches there encrease my pains
And scorn to love, i'le beat out all their brains.
(Exit)
Enter Huntsmen with three Country Wenches.
2. Co. Wench. Is it possible would Bumpkin be in love?
1. Hunt. Yes, if he knew but how, and for that sickness I have undertaken to become his Doctor: For at the May Pole meeting 'tis decreed, a Sweet-heart must be purchast, come what will on't.
3. Co. Wench. Nay, if he be distressed, twenty to one he may find charitable persons there. Come, strike up a Farewel to Misfortune.
(Exit)
Enter Bumpkin.
Bump. That is a Dance that I could never hit of: pray desist a woile, and hear my doleful Tale.
1. Co. Wench. He'l make us cry sure.
Bump. Be it known unto all men by these presents——
2. Co. Wench. An Obligation, we will be no witnesses.
Bump. Why then I'le hang my self.
3. Co. Wench. We will be witness then.
Bump. What, to my hanging? O' my Conscience, if I should woo my heart out, I should never be the fatter for it.—Where's your promise now?
1. Hunt. You have not yet exprest yourself; be plain, tell them your grief; a remedy will follow.
Bump. If that be all, 'tis an easy matter, pray take notice that I am in love—with somebody.
2. Co. Wench. Would I were she.
Bump. Why, so you are, if you have a mind to it.
2. Co. Wench. Why then, you are my own.
3. Co. Wench. Pardon me, Sister, I bespake him yesterday.
(They all hang about him)
Bump. Yes, marry did she
(Goes to her).
1. Co. Wench. But I was she that won him at the May pole.
2. Co. Wench. Was that the Cause you strove so for the Garland.
Bump. What's that to you? (Goes to her.)
Would I had any of them in quietness.
3. Co. Wench. But yet I must have share.
1. Co. Wench. So must I too.
(All pull him)
2. Co. Wench. I will not part without the better half.
Bump. Then who shall have me whole? what—are you mad?
3. Co. Wench. Theres reason for a madness in this Case.
1. Co. Wench. I will not loose my right. Let go, I say.
2. Co. Wench. He shall be mine, or else he shall be nothing.
Bump. Away you burrs, why do you stick so on me? Now by this hand, if nothing can perswade you, I'le drown myself for spight, that you may perish.
(Horn)
1. Hunt. Hark, hark, my Lord Acteons warning piece; That Horn gives us intelligence he doth intend to Spend this day in hunting: Bumpkin why stay you? the hounds will quarrel with you: we'l come after.
1. Co. Wench. Will you not stay, my Love?
Bump. I'le see you hang'd first, and by this hand, ere I will be in love again, I will feed my hounds with my own proper Carcase.
(Exit)
2. Co. Wench. Now he is gone, our dancing may go forward.
2. Hunt. My Lord Acteon stays, be quick, I pray.
3. Co. Wench. Quick as you will; the doing of it quick, makes it shew the better.
(A Country Dance. Then Exeunt.)
Enter Acteon and Bumpkin.
Acteon. Be nimble, Sirrah.
Bump. Nimble? yes, as a bear that hath been lug'd to purpose: if Love be such a troublesome Companion I will entreat him to keep out of my Company.
Acteon. We consume the day.
Bump. They have saved me a labour.
Acteon. Fie, what mean you? The glory of the day calls us to action.
1. Hunt. Sir, you may please to know, that yesternight I lodged a boar within the neighbouring Forest.
Bump. Yes, Sir, and I lodged a Fox at a house hard by.
A pleasant new Ballad to sing both
Even and Morne,
Of the bloody murther of Sir John
Barley corne.
To the tune of, Shall I lye beyond thee.[125]
[76.]As I went through the North Countrey
I heard a merry greeting:
A pleasant toy, and full of joy,
two noble men were meeting.
And as they walked for to sport,
upon a Sommers day,
Then with another nobleman
they went to make a fray.
Whose name was sir John Barley Corne,
he dwelt downe in a dale;
Who had a kinsman dwelt him nigh,
they cal'd him Thomas Goodale.
Another named Richard Beere,
was ready at that time
Another worthy knight was there
call'd sir William White Wine.
Some of them fought in a blacke Jacke
some of them in a Can,
But the chiefest in a black pot,
like a worthy noble man.
Sir John Barley-corne fought in a Boule,
who wonne the victorie;
And made them all to fume and sweare
that Barley-corne should die.
Some said kill him, some said drowne,
others wisht to hang him hie,
For as many as follow Barley-corne,
shall surely beggers die.
Then with a plough they plowed him up
and thus they did devise,
To burie him quicke within the earth,
and swore he should not rise.
With horrowes strong they combed him,
and burst clods on his head;
A joyfull banquet then was made
when Barly-Corne was dead.
He rested still within the earth,
till raine from skies did fall,
Then he grew up in branches greene,
which sore amaz'd them all.
And so grew up till Mid-sommer,
which made them all afeard,
For he was sprouted up on hie,
and got a goodly beard.
Then he grew till S. James tide,
his countenance was wan,
For he was growne unto his strength,
and thus became a man.
With hookes and sickles keene
into the field they hide[126]
They Cut his legs off by the knees
and made him wounds full wide.
Thus bloodily they cut him downe
from place where he did stand,
And like a thiefe for treachery,
they bound him in a band.
So then they tooke him up againe
according to his kind;
And packt him up in severall sackes,
to wither with the wind.
And with a pitch forke that was sharpe
they rent him to the heart,
And like a thiefe for treason vile,
they bound him in a cart.
And tending him with weapons strong
unto the towne they hye,
And straight they mowed him in a mow
and there they let him lie.
Then he lay groning by the wals,
till all his wounds were sore,
At length they tooke him up againe,
and cast him on the floore.
They hyred two with holly clubs,
to beat on him at once,
They thwacked so on Barly-corne,
that flesh fell from the bones.
And then they tooke him up againe,
to fulfill womens minde,
They dusted him, and they sifted him,
till he was almost blind.
And then they knit him in a sacke,
which grieved him full sore,
They steeped him in a Fat,[127] God wot,
for three days space and more.
And then they took him up againe,
and laid him for to drie,
They cast him on a chamber floore,
and swore that he should die.
They rubbed him and they stirred him,
and still they did him turne,
The malt man swore that he should die,
his body he would burne.
They spightfully tooke him up againe,
and threw him on a kill [128]
So dried him there with fire hot
and thus they wraught their will.
Then they brought him to the mill,
and there they burst his bones,
The Miller swore to murther him,
betwixt a pair of stones.
Then they tooke him up againe,
and serv'd him worse than that,
For with hot scalding liquor store
they washt him in a Fat
But not content with this, God wot,
that did him mickle harme;
With threatening words they promised
to beat him into barme.
And lying in this danger deep,
for feare that he should quarrell,
They tooke him straight out of the fat,
and tunn'd him in a barrell.
And then they set a tap to him,
even thus his death begun;
They drew out every drain of blood,
Whilst any drop would run.
Some brought jacks[129] upon their backs,
some brought bill and bow,
And every man his weapon had,
Barly-Corne to overthrow.
When sir John Goodale heard of this
he came with mickle might,
And there he took their tongues away,
their legs or else their sight.
And thus sir John in each respect
so paid them all their hire,
That some lay sleeping by the way,
some tumbling in the mire.
Some lay groning by the wals,
some in the streets downeright,
The best of them did scarcely know
what they had done ore night.
All you good wives that brew good ale
God turn from you all teene,[130]
But if you put too much water in
the devill put out your eyne.
FINIS.
London, Printed for John Wright,[131] and are to be sold at his shop in Guilt spurre Street at the signe of the Bible.
A very slight comparison with Robert Burns' poem on this subject will show how much he was indebted to this version, having plagiarised, almost verbally, in many parts.
[125] For tune, see [Appendix].
[126] Hied.
[127] Vat
[128] Kiln
[129] A thick leather coat; here used in another sense as a "black jack" or leather can.
[130] Sorrow.
[131] A John Wright at the Bible, near Newgate, published between 1624 and 1627; but a J. Wright in Giltspur Street published from 1670 to 1690. In the Roxburghe Ballads are three editions of this ballad, catalogued (?) 1650, 1690, 1730.
How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it.
[77.] Tarlton, (as other Gentlemen used) at the first comming up of Tabacco, did take it more for fashion's sake than otherwise, & being in a roome, set between two Men overcome with Wine, and they never seeing the like, wondred at it; and seeing the vapour come out of Tarlton's nose, cryed out Fire, fire, and then threw a Cup of Wine in Tarlton's face. Make no more stirre, quoth Tarlton, the fire is quenched: if the Sheriffes come, it will turne to a fine, as the Custome is. And drinking that againe, Fie, sayes the other, what a stinke it makes, I am almost poisoned. If it offend, saies Tarlton, let's every one take a little of the smell, and so the savour will quickly goe: but Tobacco whiffes made them leave him to pay all.
[5.]Dick had but two words to maintain him ever,
And that was, Stand; and, after, stand—Deliver.
But Dick's in Newgate, and he fears shall never
Be blest again with that sweet word, Deliver.
[12.]A tall Man void of wit,
We may compare him fit
To a House six Stories high at least;
Where commonly we see
That the upper Rooms be
Worst furnish'd than any of the rest.
[78.] One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of Teneriff (which is supposed to be one of the highest hils in the worlde) asked him why he had not stay'd there, for he was perswaded hee would never come so neere heaven againe.
[32.] I consume my mother that bare me, I eat my nurse that fed me, then I dye leaving all blind that saw me.
Solution. Meant of the flame of a Candle, which having consumed both wax and weeke, goeth out leaving them in the dark that saw by it.
The following shows the extent to which political satire can be carried, and its wit and rarity must be my apology for introducing it:—
The PARLIAMENTS X Commandements
- [79.]Thou shalt have no other Gods but the LORDS and COMMONS assembled at Westminster.
- Thou shalt not make any Addresses to the King, nor yeeld obedience to any of his Commands; neither shalt thou weare any Image either of him or his Posterity; thou shalt not bow down unto him, nor Worship him, for Wee are jealous Gods, and will visite such sinnes unto the third and fourth Generation of them that hate us, and will not observe our Votes, Orders, and Ordinances.
- Thou shalt not take the Names of Us, your GODS in vaine, for we cannot hold you guiltlesse that take our Names in vaine.
- Remember that thou keep holy the Fast Day, for that is Our Sabbath; in it thou shalt doe no manner of Work, for we have blessed that Day, and hallowed it.
- Thou shalt neither yeeld Honor nor Obedience to the King (thy Countries Father) or thy Naturall Father or Mother, so Wee will make thy dayes long in the lands which we shall take from the ungodly and wicked ones, to bestow upon thee.
- Thou shalt Remove the Wicked One from his Throne, and his Posterity from off the face of the Earth.
- Thou shalt edify the Sisters, and abundantly increase and multiply the Saints.
- Thou shalt get all thou canst; part from nothing; doe no right, take no rong, neither pay any Debts.
- Thou shalt be a Witness for us, against whomsoever we judge to be Wicked, that so We may cut them off, that the Saints may enjoy abundance of all things.
- Thou shalt enjoy thy Neighbours House, his Wife, his Servant, his Maid, his Oxe, or his Asse, or any thing that belongs unto him; Provided he first be Voted (by US) to be a wicked or ungodly Person.
All these Commandements Wee require you, and every of you with all diligence to observe; and We your LORDS and GODS will incline your hearts to keepe the Same.