12. “I Dragged about in Misery.”
It is lack of knowledge that often brings unnecessary suffering. I know it from experience. In my early motherhood I took for granted that women had to suffer at these times, and it was best to be brave and not make a fuss. Once when things were not brisk in the labour world, I would do my house-cleaning all myself, for naturally at these times you like to feel everything is in order everywhere when the strange woman comes in to take charge. I was in a very weak state through worry and the difficulty of meeting the demands. I had not seen a doctor, for I was thinking of having a midwife I had heard of. I dragged about in misery and in great pain. A friend called in one morning after I had got the children off to school, and I suppose I looked very ill. She said: “Have you engaged a doctor?” I said: “No, there is plenty of time; I was only six months, and surely I shall have a change soon.” I could not lay, sit, or stand in ease, and my legs were so bad. However, she went away, saying nothing to me, and brought her doctor. He was amazed at my condition, ordered me to bed, said my confinement was near, and the child was in a critical condition. He sent for a midwife, and they were with me from eleven o’clock till three o’clock. He said the child was dead, and in such an awkward position that it nearly cost my life to bring it. I had a very long illness follow on (it would have been a lovely child full time). The child had been killed through shock, and already showed signs of mortification. I was in a poor state of health, and struggled against my strength, looking after the children’s welfare and neglecting myself. In trying to lift the washing-tub it slipped, and that was the shock; and instead of resting and having advice (which I felt I could not afford), I persevered, and that was the result. Now, if there had been such a thing as a Maternity Centre where I could have sent for someone, or could have attended without that feeling of expense, I could have been relieved of all that suffering.
Another experience I had some nine years after the previous. I was pregnant, work had been very scarce, and I was in a very weak state. My husband had been at work three weeks when he happened an accident. He had fallen from a high scaffold. The Clerk of the Works came to tell me they had taken him to the hospital, and I had better go at once and take someone with me. Of course, I thought the worst had happened. (He did not know my condition.) I was between three and four months, and this shock caused a miscarriage. I had a midwife, who, no doubt, was all right when things were straightforward. I got about again, but was very weak and ill. He was in hospital six weeks. I took in needlework. I got very weak yet very stout. I thought it was through sitting so much at the machine. I worked and starved myself to make sick pay, 12s. per week, go as far as possible. I got so weak, and fainted several times after heavy days at the machine. I was taken very ill one night, and my daughter went for the doctor. He said: “We must have her in bed,” and sent for a neighbour. It was a confinement of a seven-months babe. When he told me it was childbirth, I said it was impossible, for I had miscarried about four months previous. However, it was true. I had been carrying twins—a most peculiar case—during that four months. My system was being drained, and the worry and anxiety had effect on the child. It was weak and did not move much. I had a bad time, but the child lived for nine months, but a very delicate child. Now, if I had been able to have a qualified midwife when I had the miscarriage, we should have known there was another child, and if I could have been medically treated, all that suffering could have been prevented, and I might have had a strong child.
But apart from all that, I do not know which is the worst—child-bearing with anxiety and strain of mind and body to make ends meet, with the thought of another one to share the already small allowance, or getting through the confinement fairly well, and getting about household duties too soon, and bringing on other ailments which make life and everything a burden. I could forgive a woman in such a state giving herself and the children a drug which would end everything. I was an invalid for six years through getting about too soon and causing womb displacement.
Wages £2 2s.; eight children, one still-born, four miscarriages.