16. “A Nightmare Yet.”
The first feeling of a young mother (to be) (unless she has been very intelligently trained or is very ignorant) is one of fear for herself when she finds out her condition. As time goes on she will probably lose this fear in the feeling she is to have something all her very own, but in some instances the dread grows, and in a sense fills her whole being. This must of necessity weaken her bodily and mentally, and, of course, makes her time of trial harder to bear.
I remember over my first baby, although I felt delighted to think I was to be a mother, I had a very nervous fear that my baby would prove weakly because I had suffered for so many years from chronic bronchitis. I believe this dread had a very bad effect on my nervous system, with the result that when I got within a fortnight of full term my baby was born very weakly, and I had a severe labour lasting two nights and two days. (This was twenty-three years ago.) No effort was made to obtain help for me, although my mother at that time was starting to practise as a midwife, and had all a mother’s fears for her daughter in her first labour. At that time it was much more usual to trust to Providence, and if a woman died it only proved her weakness and unfitness for motherhood. My baby only lived seven months. In spite of all this trouble, I was very glad when a year later I found I was to become a mother again. I was still weak, and this baby was born at eight months, very tiny but not weakly. I again had a slow time, lasting two days and one night, but not so severe as the first. I had what is known as “white-leg” during the lying-in period. This is usually due to a septic condition, and may be induced by uncleanliness or careless handling during the first stage of labour; again, a chill will produce this state, and this was the cause in my case, owing to getting out of bed on the second day rather than call mother upstairs when I needed her. My last baby was born at a time when we were really badly off. My husband was out of work during the greater part of the time, and I was not only obliged to work myself, but often went short of food and warm clothing when I was most in need of it. The effect on my health was, of course, bad, but the baby was a fine healthy boy weighing over 12 pounds. Bad as was the effect on my bodily health, the mental effect was worse. I nearly lost hope and faith in everyone. I felt that even the baby could not make up for the terrible strain I had undergone, and at that time I could fully enter into the feelings of those women who take drugs to prevent birth. I know I ought to have been more strong-minded, but anyway, I got through all right after all, and, strange to say, I got up feeling better and more hopeful than I had felt for years. During this pregnancy I never dared to allow myself to think of the time when the baby would be born; first, because I knew the pain would be so bad, and then because I realised that I would not be able to work when I got near the end and for some time afterwards. I left off a month before and did not start again for four months after the birth. I don’t know now how I got through, and it is a nightmare to me yet. (I may say here that although we were so poor we stuck to the Store all through, and this was a great help.) I believe if I had felt quite comfortable as to the position of my other children during the time when I would be laid up, my sufferings would not have been so great, or my dread of the labour.
Wages 25s.; three children.