EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT
["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."—The Outlook.]
Scene—Nowhere in particular.
Characters.
He, a nonentity.
She, another.
He. Dear——!
She (wearily). Oh please don't.
[Does nothing.
He. Why, what's the matter?
She. Nothing.
[He does nothing.
She. Well, you may as well go on. It will be something, anyhow. (Yawns.) Nothing ever seems to happen in this play. I don't know why. It isn't my fault. Oh, go on.
He. All right. Don't suppose it amuses me, though. Darling, I love you—will you marry me?
She (very wearily). Oh, I suppose so.
He. Thanks very much. (Kisses her.) There!
[Returns proudly to his seat, and does nothing.
She (with sudden excitement). Supposing I had said "No," would you have shot yourself?—would you have gone to the front?—would your life have been a blank hereafter? Would anything interesting have happened?
He (with a great determination in his eyes). Had you spurned my love——
She (excitedly). Yes, yes?
He (with emotion).—I should have—I should have—done nothing.
[Does it.
She. Oh!
He. Yes. As for shooting or drowning myself if any little thing of that sort had happened it would have been off the stage. I hope I know my place.
[She does nothing.
He (politely). I don't know if you're keen about stopping here? If not, we might——
She. We must wait till somebody else comes on.
He. True. (Reflects deeply.) Er—do you mote much?
[She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually.
HOW HE OUGHT NOT TO LOOK
Excited Prompter (to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume). "Now then, Walker, LOOK ALIVE!"
