THE PERFECT AUTOMOBILIST
[With acknowledgments to the Editor of "The Car"]
Who is the happy road-deer? Who is he
That every motorist should want to be?
The Perfect Automobilist thinks only of others. He is an Auto-altruist.
He never wantonly kills anybody.
If he injures a fellow-creature (and this will always be the fellow-creature's fault) he voluntarily buys him a princely annuity. In the case of a woman, if she is irreparably disfigured by the accident, he will, supposing he has no other wife at the time, offer her the consolation of marriage with himself.
He regards the life of bird and beast as no less sacred than that of human beings. Should he inadvertently break a fowl or pig he will convey it to the nearest veterinary surgeon and have the broken limb set or amputated as the injury may require. In the event of death or permanent damage, he will seek out the owner of the dumb animal, and refund him fourfold.
To be on the safe side with respect to the legal limit, the Perfect Automobilist confines himself to a speed of ten miles per hour. He will even dismount at the top of a steep descent, so as to lessen the impetus due to the force of gravity.
If he is compelled by the nature of his mission to exceed the legal limit (as when hurrying, for instance, to fetch a doctor in a matter of life or death, or to inform the Government of the landing of a hostile force) he is anxious not to shirk the penalty. He will, therefore, send on a swift messenger to warn the police to be on the lookout for him; and if he fails to run into any trap he will, on returning, report himself at all the police-stations on his route, or communicate by post with the constabularies of the various counties through which he may have passed.
At the back of his motor he carries a watering-cart attachment for the laying of dust before it has time to be raised.
Lest the noise of his motor should be a cause of distraction he slows down when passing military bands, barrel organs, churches (during the hours of worship), the Houses of Parliament (while sitting), motor-buses, the Stock Exchange, and open-air meetings of the unemployed.
If he meets a restive horse he will turn back and go down a side road and wait till it has passed. If all the side roads are occupied by restive horses he will go back home; and if the way home is similarly barred he will turn into a field.
He encourages his motor to break down frequently; because this spectacle affords an innocent diversion to many whose existence would otherwise be colourless.
It is his greatest joy to give a timely lift to weary pedestrians, such as tramps, postmen, sweeps, and police-trap detectives; even though, the car being already full, he is himself compelled to get out and do the last fifty or sixty miles on foot.
He declines to wear goggles because they conceal the natural benevolence of the human eye divine, which he regards as the window of the soul; also (and for the same reason he never wears a fur overcoat) because they accentuate class distinctions.
Finally—on this very ground—the Perfect Automobilist will sell all his motor-stud and give the proceeds to found an almshouse for retired socialists.
Obliging Horseman (of riverside breeding). "Ave a tow up, miss?"
Cyclist. "Why can't you look where you're going?"
Motorist. "How the dickens could I when I didn't know!"
Middle-aged Novice. "I'm just off for a tour in the country—'biking' all the way. It'll be four weeks before I'm back in my flat again."
Candid Friend. "Ah! Bet it won't be four hours before you're flat on your back again!"