A SEASONABLE LETTER
Huntingthorpe Hall.
My Dear Jack,—I want you to come down on Monday and stay a couple of days with me. My wife will be delighted, as you can help her with a children’s party, and also play Pantaloon in a little thing being got up by the young people. I will mount you on the Tuesday with our Stag hounds, as I know you are fond of a day’s hunting. No, don’t thank me, my dear chap—I shall be only too glad if you will go, as the horse I am intending to put you on is a rank brute, and when he doesn’t refuse his fences—which is a rare occurrence—he invariably falls into them. However, you won’t mind that, will you?
You will have to put up with real bachelor accommodation, I am afraid, as the house is crammed. The best I can do for you is a half share of one of the attics. Our cook has left us, all unexpectedly, so this places her room at our disposal for two of you. The kitchen-maid is doing her best to keep us from starving; but, though she means well, I can hardly class her as a cordon bleu.
Louise Dearlove, that pretty little girl you were so sweet upon last season, is unable to come; but her brother—the red-headed youth who was always trying to pick a quarrel with you—will be here.
I am so short of horses that I fear I must ask you to cab the four miles up from the station; but I am sure you won’t mind taking the rough with the smooth.
Yours ever,
John Jostler.
As the recipient of the above invitation, I ask which is “the smooth”?
WHAT THE DANCING MAN HAS COME TO
“Not dancing any more to-night, Fred?”
“No; and, what’s more, I’ll never put my foot in this house again! Why, I’ve been introduced three times!”
THE TERRORS OF SOCIAL LIFE
Stout Lady (at a charity ball). “Excuse me, Lady Godolphin, but I should so like to make some notes of your charming costume—may I?”
Lady Godolphin. “Pardon me, but really I’m afraid I haven’t the pleasure of——”
Stout Lady. “Oh, I’m sure you won’t mind: I’m ‘Girlie,’ you know—I do the fashion article for Classy Bits!”
Club Attendant (to stout party, who is struggling into overcoat). “Allow me, sir.”
Stout Party. “No, don’t trouble! This is the only exercise I ever take!”
ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE!!
Future Duke. “What are you goin’ to do this mornin’ eh?”
Future Earl. “Oh, I dunno. Rot about, I s’pose, as usual.”
Future Duke. “Oh, but I say, that’s so rotten.”
Future Earl. “Well, what else is there to do, you rotter?”