THE LAMENT OF THE LADIES’ MAN
In youth I never cared for sport;
Fresh air was not a passion to me;
Athletic feats of any sort
Sent unresponsive shudders through me;
I had, in fact, a sedentary mind,
And hated exercise of any kind.
And so, when others smote the sphere
With bat or mallet, boots or putter,
I charmed (with song) the female ear,
And made the female bosom flutter.
I also played the zither and recited
Poems of young loves, prematurely blighted.
I sang, as I have said: I had
That kind of voice that folks call “fluty”;
I trilled of “Memories strangely sad,”
Of “Pansies” and the “Eyes of Beauty.”
Not more divinely does the early bird
Sing when the worm has recently occurred.
At that delightful hour of gloom,
Slightly anterior to tea-time,
I paralysed the drawing-room
With trifles of my own in three-time,
Till all the air was heavy with Desire,
And prostrate matrons begged me to retire.
Just then a vogue for High Romance
Prevailed, and I’d a pent-up yearning;
The hollow cheek, the hungry glance,
Betrayed the fever inly burning;
At inconvenient times the thing would out,
Especially when ladies were about.
Somehow the care of female hearts
At that time always fell to my lot;
Within the maze of Cupid’s arts
I was their guiding star, their pilot;
Not to have loved me with a blinding passion
Was, broadly speaking, to be out of fashion.
But latterly, I don’t know why,
That star has waned, until at last I’m
Left in the lurch while maidens fly
Towards the ruder forms of pastime;
And now their talk is all of tennis courts,
Of golf, gymkhanas and athletic sports.
I don’t complain. I know there’ll be
One of these days a mild renaissance
In the exclusive cult of ME:
I view the fact with some complaisance;
One day there’ll come an era of the Brain,
And Theodore will be himself again.
Manners.—In the dining-room of respectable society it is not considered correct to put your fingers into the plate before you. But at church, into the plate that is set before you, all are expected to put their alms.
FEMININE AMENITIES
Visitor. “Your governess seems very good-natured.”
Lady of the House. “Yes, poor thing, her father lost a lot of money, so I took her as governess for the children.”
Visitor. “Poor, poor thing! Isn’t it terrible how unfortunate some people are!”
FELINE AMENITIES
“How kind of you to call—I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting!”
“Oh, don’t mention it—I’ve not been at all bored! I’ve been trying to imagine what I should do to make this room look comfortable if it were mine!”
Fair Hostess (to Mrs. Masham, who is looking her very best). “Howdydo, dear? I hope you’re not so tired as you look!”
THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
“I say, Brown, let’s try and get into the same mourning-coach as Major Bardolph. He always comes out so jolly on these occasions!”
A VALUABLE ACQUISITION
Dutiful Nephew. “Oh, uncle, I thought you wouldn’t mind my bringing my friend Grigg, from our office. He ain’t much to look at, and he can’t dance, and he don’t talk, and he won’t play cards—but he’s such a mimic!! To-morrow he’ll imitate you and Aunt Betsy in a way that’ll make all the fellows roar!!!”
A DRAMA OF THE DRAWING-ROOM
A Drama of the Drawing-room.—By means of his face and attitude, Jones flatters himself he can express the deepest interest in the conversation of a bore, while in reality his attention is fixed on what is going on in some other part of the room.
Just at present, old Mrs. Marrable is relating to Jones the harrowing details of her late lamented’s last illness—while Captain Spinks is popping the question to Clara Willoughby behind one of Chopin’s Mazurkas—and Jones has no doubt but that his face and attitude are all Mrs. M. could wish.
London Idylls.—Algernon (the heir). “Awfully kind of Mrs. Masham to give us a lift. But it was rather a squeeze, eh?”
Jack the Detrimental (his younger brother). “Yes. By the way, talking of squeezes, it struck me very forcibly, driving along, that you’d got hold of one of Miss Laura Masham’s hands!”
Algernon. “Well, you meddling young idiot! what if I had?”
Jack. “Oh, nothing. Only I’d got hold of the other, you know!”
THE RISING GENERATION
Host. “What a smart set of people we’ve got to-night, deary!”
Hostess. “Yes. How I wish one of our dear girls would come and sit by us, and tell us who everybody is!”