CROSSED-EXAMINATION
Old Style.—Nervous Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Counsel (sharply). Now, sir, do know the value of an oath?
Witness (taken aback). Why, yes—of course.
Coun. (pointing at him). Come, no prevarication! Do you understand the value, or do you not?
Wit. (confused). If you will allow me to explain——
Coun. Come, sir, you surely can answer yes or no—now which is it?
Wit. But you will not let me explain——
Coun. Don’t be impertinent, sir! Explanation is unneeded. Mind, you have been sworn, so if you don’t know the value of an oath, it will be the worse for you.
“DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE”
“In these days of conflicts between counsel, I propose to make a few additions to my usual forensic costume.”—Extract from a Letter of Mr. Welnown Kaysee, K.C., to a young friend.
Wit. But you won’t let me speak.
Coun. Won’t let you speak! Why, I can’t get a word out of you. Now, sir, in plain English—are you a liar or not?
Wit. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?
Judge. Be good enough to answer the counsel’s questions. I have nothing to do with it.
Coun. Now sir—once more; are you a liar, or are you not?
Wit. I don’t think that’s the way you would speak to me——
Coun. Don’t bully me, sir! You are here to tell us the truth; or as much of it as you can.
Wit. But surely you ought to——
Coun. Don’t tell me what I ought to do, sir. Again, are you a liar, or are you not?
Wit. Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question?
Coun. You are not there to ask me questions, sir, but to answer my questions to you.
Wit. Well, I decline to reply.
Judge (to Witness). Now you had better be careful. If you do not answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to send you to gaol for contempt of court.
Coun. Now you hear what his lordship says, and now, once more, are you a liar or are you not?
Wit. (confused). I don’t know.
Coun. (to Jury). He doesn’t know! I need ask nothing further!
[Sits down.
Foreman (to Judge). May we not ask, my lord, how you consider this case is being conducted.
Judge. With pleasure, gentlemen! I will repeat what I remarked to the Master quite recently. I think the only word that will describe the matter is “noble.” Distinctly noble!
[Scene closes in upon despair of Witness.
New Style.—Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Coun. I presume, sir, that——
Wit. (sharply). You have no right to presume. Ask me what you want, and have done with it.
Coun. (amiably). I think we shall get on better—more quickly—if you kindly attend to my questions.
Wit. Think so? Well, it’s a matter of opinion. But, as I have an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you are instructed to ask and settle the matter off-hand.
Coun. If you will allow me to speak——
Wit. Speak!—I like that! Why, I can’t get a rational word out of you!
Coun. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?
Judge. Be good enough to attend to the witness. I have nothing to do with it.
Wit. (impatiently). Now, sir, am I to wait all day?
Coun. (mildly). I really venture to suggest that is not quite the tone to adopt.
Wit. Don’t bully me, sir! I am here to answer any questions you like to put, always supposing that you have any worth answering.
Coun. But come—surely you ought to——
Wit. I am not here to learn my duty from you, sir. You don’t know your subject, sir. How long have you been called?
Coun. I decline to reply.
Judge (to Counsel). Now you had really better be careful. I wish to treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time I shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your Benchers.
Wit. You hear what his lordship says. What are you going to do next?
Coun. (confused). I don’t know.
Wit. (to Jury). He doesn’t know! I needn’t stay here any longer.
[“Stands” down.
Judge (to Jury). May I ask you, gentlemen, how you consider this case is being conducted?
Foreman of the Jury. With pleasure, my lord. We were all using the same word which exactly describes the situation. We consider the deportment of the witness “noble.” Distinctly noble.
[Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel.
Lady (solemnly). “When you see a boy always loafing round street corners, what place in life do you suppose he is fitting himself for?”
Boy. “To be a policeman, mum!”
Tomkins looking too long at the cartes de visite of the lawyers in Chancery Lane, is seized with a sudden involuntary panic. “Don’t be alarmed, my boy,” said his friend Wigsby, who happened to be passing at the time, “Your coat pockets are quite safe; we don’t do it that way!”
NOVELTY IN COIFFURES
Suitable for ladies called to the bar (as they soon will be, of course).