“SAUCE FOR THE COUNSEL GOOSE IS SAUCE FOR SOLOR GANDER”
(Respectfully dedicated to the Incorporated Law Society and the Bar Committee)
Scene—Interior of the Duke of Ditchwater’s Study. Time—The near Future. Present—His Grace and Mr. Kosts, the Family Solicitor.
The Duke (finishing a long business talk). And I suppose we had better be represented by Mr. Silvertongue, the Queen’s Counsel?
Mr. Kosts (hesitating). Certainly, your Grace, if it is your express wish.
The Duke (surprised). Why, Mr. Kosts, you surely know of no better representative?
Mr. Kosts (hurriedly). Oh no, your Grace. Mr. Silvertongue is a most eloquent advocate, and has the law at his fingers’ ends; but——
The Duke. Well? Surely we may entrust ourselves in his hands with perfect confidence? Do you not think so?
Mr. Kosts. Oh, certainly, your Grace, certainly. (Hesitating.) But matters have changed a little lately. There has been an alteration in the law.
The Duke. Indeed!
Mr. Kosts. Yes, your Grace. The fact is, that the two branches of the legal profession have been amalgamated.
The Duke. I don’t quite understand.
Mr. Kosts. Why, your Grace, there is now no real distinction between solicitors and barristers, except in name. So I thought, your Grace, that as I could do the work as well, that perhaps I might replace Mr. Silvertongue, and—— You see, it is simply a matter of business.
The Duke (interrupting). Certainly, certainly, Mr. Kosts. No doubt you could represent me admirably. But you see I am afraid Mr. Silvertongue might be a little offended. You know he is a personal friend of mine, and——
Mr. Kosts (promptly, with a bow). I trust your Grace will not give the matter another thought—Mr. Silvertongue shall be instructed. (Preparing to go.) Of course, your Grace’s young relative, the Honourable Charles Needy, will act as junior?
The Duke. Certainly, Mr. Kosts. Give Charley as much of my work as possible. My wife’s cousin, I am afraid, is not overburdened with briefs.
Mr. Kosts. I am afraid not, your Grace. And yet Mr. Needy is a sharp and clever young gentleman. Good day, your Grace!
The Duke (after a moment’s thought, suddenly). One moment, Mr. Kosts. Did I understand you to say that the two branches of the legal profession were amalgamated?
Mr. Kosts. To all intents and purposes, your Grace. You see we can now do all the work of the Bar.
The Duke. And I suppose barristers can act as solicitors—I mean, undertake the same kind of business?
Mr. Kosts (laughing). There is nothing to prevent them, your Grace, save their incapacity.
The Duke (with dignity). No relative of the Duchess, Mr. Kosts, can be incapable!
Mr. Kosts (puzzled). I beg your Grace’s pardon. I do not quite understand——
The Duke. Then I will explain. You tell me that barristers can now act as solicitors. Well, you know the old adage, that “blood is thicker than water.” It is, Mr. Kosts; it is. You will pardon me, I am sure, if I suggest that the connection of your firm with my family has not been unlucrative.
Mr. Kosts. On the contrary, your Grace! I may fairly say that the connection is worth many hundreds a-year to us. We cannot be sufficiently grateful.
The Duke. Pray desist, Mr. Kosts. The matter is one of pure business. It really is not at all a question of gratitude. Well, as I understand you to say that Mr. Needy is quite qualified to undertake solicitor’s work——
Mr. Kosts (blankly). Theoretically, your Grace; theoretically.
The Duke (haughtily). Any relative of the Duchess can reduce theory to practice.
Mr. Kosts (bowing). No doubt, your Grace; no doubt.
The Duke. Well, as I now find that Charley can do the work I have hitherto given to you, Mr. Kosts, I feel that some alteration must be made. Charley is poor, and my relative. So I am sure you will not be offended when for the future I give him the whole of the legal work I used to give to you. You see, after all (as you explained to me just now) it is purely a matter of business!
[Scene closes in upon Mr. Kosts’ discomfiture.
Police Tyranny.—Policeman (to obtrusive tramp). “Now then, what d’ye mean by shoving yourself in before these poor people out o’ your turn? You stand back or—(thinking deeply)—you shall have such a wash!!”
Impracticable.—Judge (to witness). “Repeat the prisoner’s statement to you, exactly in his own words. Now, what did he say?”
Witness. “My lord, he said he stole the pig——”
Judge. “Impossible! He couldn’t have used the third person.”
Witness. “My lord, there was no third person!”
Judge. “Nonsense! I suppose you mean that he said, ‘I stole the pig’!”
Witness (shocked). “Oh, my lord! he never mentioned your lordship’s name!”
[Dismissed ignominiously.
The British Juryman Preparing for the Worst.—Wife of his Bussum. “There, my love, I think with what you have had, and this box of concentrated luncheon, you may hold out against any of ’em!”
New Legal Work. (By the author of “In Silk Attire.”)—“The briefless junior; or, plenty of stuff to spare.”
Musical Law.—“Bar’s rest.” Long vacation.
A Laborious Occupation.—Shop-lifting.
A Lawsuit now pending in Tennessee between two families has run for such a length of time, that it takes six men of the strongest memories in the State to remember when it was begun.
