MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT
Cotton-Man (fro' Shoddydale). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?"
Coachman. "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Grassmere Lake, that is——"
Cotton-Man. "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"
Would the epigrammatic translation of "sede vacanti" as "Not well and gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?
Winter Resort for Bronchially-affected Persons.—Corfe Castle.
Visitor. "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know."
Gaffer Stokes. "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi must go afore Oi'm done for. Now which moight be their busy day there, mister?"
To Intending Tourists—"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of 'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.—"Point d'argent point de Suisse."
Scene—On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short, sharp grunts.
Little Girl. Oh, mamma, that poor ship must have a drefful pain in its cabin!
Wasted Sympathy.—Scene—Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady (to gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle). Oh! Excuse me, sir, but, please don't put that near the hot-water bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.
Elderly Gentleman (who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how inhuman! how—— (gasps for words).
Lady. Not at all, my dear sir. It's a roast partridge, cold, for lunch.
[Collapse of Enthusiast.
Unpleasantly Suggestive Names of "Cure" Places Abroad.—Bad Gastein. Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.
Rotatory Knife (and Fork) Machines.—Pullman dining cars.
The Line which is often Drawn.—The Equator.
Thorough but not Pedantic. (Overheard at the Louvre.)—American Tourist (suspiciously). "Say, guide, haven't we seen this room before?"
Guide. "Oh no, monsieur."
Tourist. "Well, see here. We want to see everything, but we don't want to see anything twice!"
