THE COMPLEAT DUFFER
Hooking a lobster
I have fished in every way,
Fished on every kind of day,
But my basket still remains in statu quo,
Not a stickleback will rise,
Not a gudgeon as a prize
To the quite amazing flies
That I throw.
When I try the purling brook
Many trout just have a look
At my fly, or at the minnow that I spin,
With fishy leer they squirm
Off, and my belief is firm
That I'd better use a worm
On a pin.
Wherever I get leave,
Still I fish from morn to eve,
Though I never—hardly ever—rightly cast,
With a body soaking wet,
With a mind intent and set
On success achieving yet
At the last.
In my coat of wondrous tweed,
And on every wandering weed,
Hooks and flies unnamed invariably I fix.
Here I cannot land a fish—
I can only hope and wish
I may creel a goodly dish
In the Styx.
Relief.—Piscator (about the end of a very bad day). "Donald, hang the boat here a bit, we may get a rise."
Donald. "Hang!"—(Giving way)—"I shall tamm the boat if you will, and the trouts—and the loch too!"
[Feels better!
Catching her-ring
Deep C fishing
Q. What is the difference between a dunce and an angler?
A. One hates his books and the other baits his hooks.
Enthusiastic.—That indefatigable angler, Trollinson, never forgets his craft. Even in writing to you, he is sure to drop a line.
Catching min'nose on the bridge
First instance of the cure of soles (Vide Life of St. Anthony)
SUPERB
Podgson (a recently joined disciple of the gentle craft). "Ah, now I flatter myself that I played that fellow with considerable skill, and landed him without the net, too!"
"I'll punch your 'ead, directly, if you don't leave orff. How do yer think the what's-a-names 'll bite, if you keep on a splashin' like that?"
An Original Corner Man.—The Complete Angler.
A Brother of the Angle.—A fellow mathematician.
When is a fisherman like a Hindoo? When he loses his cast.
Irate Landowner (to Angler). "Hi, you, sir! This is my water. You can't fish here."
Angler. "Oh, all right. Whose is that water up there round the bend?"
Irate Landowner. "Don't know: not mine. But this is."
Angler. "Very well. I'll wait till that flows down here!"
"Many a Slip."—Boisterous Friend (bursting suddenly through the shrubbery, and prodding proprietor with his umbrella). "Hul-lo, Hackles, my boy! Ketching lots o' salmon!"
Angler. "There! Tut-t-t-t—confound you! I should ha' settled that fish if you hadn't come bothering about! Three people coming to dinner without notice, and only chops in the house! You'd better go and tell my wife what you've done"
Piscatorial Politeness. (From a Yorkshire stream.)—Privileged Old Keeper (to member of fishing club, of profuse and ruddy locks, who is just about to try for the big trout, a very wary fish). "Keep yer head doon, sir, keep yer head doon!" (Becoming exasperated.) "'Ord bou it, man, keep yer head doon! Yer m't as weel come wi' a torch-leet procession to tak' a fish!"
Something like Preservation.—Irate Individual. "Are you aware, sir, that you are fishing in preserved water?"
'Arry (not quite so innocent as he would appear). "Preserved water! And is all the fish pickled, then? Bless'd if I've seen any live 'uns about."
Mrs. Brown. "Well, I must be going in a minute."
Mr. B. "What for?"
Mrs. B. "Why, I forgot to order the fish for dinner."
More Ornamental than Useful.—"Just give that bit o' lead a bite atween yer teeth, will yer, matie?"
"Ain't ye got no teeth of yer own?"
"I got some, but there ain't none of 'em opposite one another."
Anticipation.—Piscator (short-sighted; he had been trolling all day for a big pike that lay in a hole about here). "Quick, Jarvis—the landing-net—I've got him!"
Jarvis. "Ah, sir, it's only an old fryin'-pan! But that will be useful, y'know, sir, when we do catch him!"