THE SEVEN WONDERS OF A MARRIED WOMAN.
1. Never having "a gown to put on," when invited out anywhere.
2. Always being down the first to breakfast! always being dressed in time for dinner! and never keeping the carriage (or the cab) waiting at the door a minute!
3. Not always having "delicate health," about the autumn, and being recommended by her medical man "change of air" immediately!
4. Keeping up her "playing and singing" the same after marriage as before!
5. Giving her husband the best cup of tea!
6. Never making the house uncomfortable by continually "putting it to rights!"—nor filling it choke-full with a number of things it does not want, simply because they are "bargains!"
7. Never alluding, under the strongest provocation, to "the complete sacrifice she has made of herself!"—nor regretting the "two or three good offers," which she (in common with every married woman) had before she was foolish enough to accept him!!—and never, by any accident, calling her husband "a brute!"
All for Money.—Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case, Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon.
THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY
Comely Housemaid. "None for you, miss."
Daughter of the House. "But—why—who are all those for, then?"
Comely Housemaid. "Me, miss!"
THE BALANCE RESTORED
Mrs. Henry Peek. "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when nobody else thought anything about you!"
Mr. Henry Peek (wearily). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me now!"
She "Jests at Scars," etc.—Aunt. "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is she?" Sarcastic Younger Sister (fancy free). "Oh, pretty well, but she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred'; at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems and a Dictionary!!!"
An Old-Maidism.—Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally manages to open his eyes.
"AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE"
"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told me you were well off."
"So I was. But I didn't know it!"
Mr. Guzzle. "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours up to the mark. She wants it!"
Mr. Jinks. "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"