GOLF-LAND—HOLE BY HOLE
Match for a suit of oil-skins between Sunny Jack and Dismal Jimmy.
"The rain has beaten all records."—Daily Papers.
"Play the game."—Modern motto.
Hole 1.—Halved in 28. D.J. gets into the current with his 16th (a beauty) and is rescued by life-boat.
Hole 2.—Abandoned. A green-finder with a divining-rod, which is convertible into an umbrella, states that Primitive Baptists are using the green for purposes of total immersion.
Hole 3.—Abandoned. A regatta is found to be taking place in the big bunker.
Hole 4.—Halved in 23. S.J. discovered with life-belt round him which he has stolen from the flag. Reported death of a green-keeper, lost in trying to rescue two caddies from the bunker going to the 11th hole.
Hole 5.—Abandoned out of sympathy with the green-keeper.
Hole 6.—Abandoned. S.J. gets his driver mixed in his life-belt, with the result that his braces burst. D.J. claims hole on the ground that no player may look for a button for more than two minutes. Mr. Vardon, umpiring from balloon, disallows claim. Both players take to canoes.
Hole 7.—D.J.'s canoe upset by body of drowned sheep as he is holing short put. Mr. Vardon decides that corpses are rubs on the green.
Hole 8.—Abandoned, owing to a fight for life-belt.
Hole 9.—Halved in 303, Mr. Vardon keeping the score.
Hole 10.—D.J. saves S.J.'s life. Hole awarded to S.J. by Mr. Vardon out of sympathy. S.J. one up.
Hole 11.—S.J. saves D.J.'s life and receives the Humane Society's monthly medal and the hole from Mr. Vardon as a reward of courage. S.J. two up.
Hole 12.—Abandoned. Collection made for the widows of drowned golfers, which realises ninepence. S.J. subsequently returns from a long, low dive.
Holes 13 and 14.—Won by D.J. in the absence of S.J., who attends funeral water-games in honour of the green-keeper. All square.
Holes 15 and 16.—Abandoned by mutual consent, whisky being given away by the Society of Free-drinkers. Instant reappearance of the green-keeper.
Holes 17 and 18.—Unrecorded. Mr. Vardon declares the match halved.
FORE and AFT
Short-sighted Golfer (having been signalled to come on by lady who has lost her ball). "Thanks very much. And would you mind driving that sheep away?"
Extract from the rules of a local golf club:—"Rule V.—The committee shall have the power at any time to fill any vacancy in their body."