EXTRACTS FROM THE IRISH HUE AND CRY
Tony Gowan is advertised of having lost "a pig with a very long tail, and a black spot on the tip of its snout that curls up behind."
A cow is described as "very difficult to milk, and of no use to anyone but the owner, with one horn much longer than the other."
John Hawkins is alluded to as having "a pair of quick grey eyes, with little or no whiskers, and a Roman nose, that has a great difficulty in looking any one in the face."
Betsy Waterton is accused of having "absconded with a chest of drawers and a cock and hen, and has red hair and a broken tooth, none of which are her own."
The manager of the savings' bank at Dunferry, near Goofowran, is spoken of in these terms: "He had on, when last seen, a pair of corduroy trousers with a tremendous squint rather the worse for wear, besides an affected lisp, which he endeavours to conceal with a pair of gold spectacles."
Mrs. O'Flannigan (to husband, who has had india-rubber heels to his boots). "Now you sound just like a policeman walking; for, bedad, I can't hear you at all, at all!"
A burglar has his portrait taken in the following manner:—"He has little or no hair, but black eyes on a turned-up nose, which is dyed black to conceal its greyness."
"This Boldness brings Relief."—Massinger. Irish "Boy" (to benevolent Old Gentleman). "Maybe yer honour'll give a poor boy something. Sure, it's a dissolute orphin, and deaf and dumb, I am!"
Absent-minded Old Gentleman (putting his hand in his pocket). "Poor fellow!"
A Dublin grocer advertises his butter thus:
Best Danish 1s. 2d.
Best Creamery 1s. 3d.
No Better 1s. 4d.
More "Revenge for the Union."—Saxon Tourist (at Irish Railway Station). "What time does the half-past eleven train start, Paddy?"
Porter. "At thrutty minutes to twilve—sharrup, sor!"
[Tourist retires up, discomfited.
Mrs. Malone. "Why, Pat, what's that ye've got? Is it Moriarty that's insulted ye?"
Pat. "He has, begorrah! But he'll have to wait a week!"
THE UNEMPLOYED QUESTION AGAIN
The Rector. "Now, my good man, if you go up to the harvest field, I am sure you will get work."
Tramping Tim. "Bedad, sor, it's not work I'm wantin', it's nourishment."
"Lucus a Non," &c.—Visitor. "How long has your master been away?"
Irish Footman. "Well, sorr, if he'd come home yistherday, he'd a' been gone a wake to-morrow but ev he doesn't return the day afther, shure he'll a' been away a fortnight next Thorsday"!!
ECONOMY OF LABOUR
Young Softroe (who is trying to pick up bargains in polo ponies). "Nice pony, but seems inclined to rest that foreleg, don't you know."
Irish Coper. "And wasn't that phwat I was tellin' ye now! That's a little horse that's always got a leg to spare. Sure, isn't that the very wan he's restin' now against the time he'll be wantin' ut?"
Zoological Specialist (gazing at solitary sea-lion in the Dublin Zoo). Where's his mate?
Irish Keeper. He has no mate, sorr. We just fade him on fish.
A Point to the Good.—Scene—Immediately after a Point-to-Point Race—Friend (to Rider of Winner). "By Jove, old chap, that was a close race! Thought you were beaten just on the post."
Rider (Irish). "Faith, me boy, that dimonstrates the advantage of a big horse; for, if ye saw the tail of him a thrifle behind, shure the other end of him was a wee bit in front?"
Confession in Confusion.—Priest. "Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully, how often do you go to chapel?"
Pat. "Will, now, shure, oi'll till yer riv'rince the trut'. Faix, I go as often as I can avoid!"
School Inspector (anxious to explain the nature of a falsehood). Now, supposing I brought you a canary, and told you it was blue, what would that be?
Student (with taste for natural history). Please, sir, a tomtit.
Irish Item.—There have been floods in Cork. Cork, as usual, kept afloat notwithstanding.
ALLOPATHY.—Paddy (he has brought a prescription to the chemist, who is carefully weighing a very minute portion of calomel). "Oi beg yer pardon, sor, but y'are mighty nare wid that mid'cine! And—(coaxingly)—I may tell ye—'tis for a poor motherliss child!!"
"THE POSTMASTER ABROAD AGAIN"
Pat (to clerk). "Surr! I sint tin shillings to me brother through the post, an' he tills me"—(fuming)—"he niver got 't!!"
Clerk (calmly). "At what office did you get the order?"
Pat. "Shure, thin, it was to yoursilf I gave the money, an' be jabers I've got yer receipt for 't!" (Produces money order in a fury.) "Look at that, now!!"
INCORRIGIBLE!
Irish Attorney (to his clerk, who has taken the blue ribbon, and has been "celebrating the event"). "I'll not stand it, surr! Wid yer plidges! Instid o' takin' plidges ye're always breakin', ye'd better make no promises at-all-at-all—and kape 'em!!"
The Wonders of Science.—The Principal (from the City, through the telephone, to the foreman at the "Works"). "How do you get on, Pat?" Irish Foreman (in great awe of the instrument). "Very well, sir. The goods is sent off." The Principal (knowing Pat's failing). "What have you got to drink there?" Pat (startled). "Och! look at that now! It's me breath that done it!"
"Age cannot wither—nor custom stale
His infinite variety"!
Paddy (to fellow-passenger). "Oi'm siventy years of age, and ivery wan o' my teeth as perfect as the day I was born, sor!"
Mr. Moriarty. "Look here, Ada, how much longer, for goodness sake, are ye goin' to be dressin' yourself?"
Voice from the heights. "Only ten minutes, dear!"
Mr. Moriarty. "Well, all I can say is, if I've got to wait here ten minutes, I'll—I'll be off this blessed moment!"
Mick ("boots" at the Ballyragg Hotel, knocking at visitor's door at four a.m.). "Fwhat toime wud ye wish to be called this morrnun', sorr?"