PROGRAMMES AND PROCESSIONS.
YE ANNUALE WHYTEBAITE DINNER
OF
HYR MAJESTYE’S MINISTERS,
On Wednesdaie, ye 14th August, 1878,
Atte ye Hostelrie yclept
Ye Shippe, atte Greenwiche.
This Bille of ye Fare is drawn in playne Englysh, without any cloake of Frenche or other foreygne tongue, for the sadde and sobere comforte of frendes, and that ye maye know what ye are asked to accept.
Ye Bille of ye Fare.
Ye Soupe.
Soupe made from ye Turtle, and alsoe
Soupe made from ye Greene Fatte of ye same.
Ye Fyshe.
Ye Flounders curyously cooked, and
Salmonne servyd inne lyke mannere.
Ryssoles of ye Lobstere.
Ye lyttel Soles, fryed.
Ye Pudynges of ye Whyting.
Ye Eles skynned and stewed inne ye riche wyne of Oporto.
Ye Omelette of Crabbe inne ye style as servyd to ye Guardes of ye Blue Seale.
Ye Troute from ye River Spey, grylled with ye sauce of Tartar.
Salmonne inne collopes, with ye sauce inne ye Cyprus fashonne.
Ye Whytebaite, be-frizzled, and alsoe be-devylled.
Fleshe and Fowle.
Sweetbreades with ye Mushroomes added thereunto.
Ye Haunche of ye Royale Bucke, with Haricotte Beans servyd therewith.
Ye Antient Hamme, from ye Citye of Yorke, grylled inne wyne of Champagne.
Ye Grouse from ye Northe Countree.
Hogge Bacone and younge Beanes.
Ye Sweetes, &c.
Apprycottes flavoured with Noyau.
Pudynges iced, after ye Nesselrode mannere.
Lyttel Cakes made with ye Cheese from Parma, inne Italie.
Ye Ices flavoured with Oranges and Strauberres.
Divers Fruytes which are your Desertes, and ye Wynes of Champagne and manie outlandysh countrees.
Ye Dinner will be servyd after ye mannere of ye Russian people.
Ye Guestes are bydden to eate after ye Hungarie mannere.
W. T. Bale, Mastere.
——:o:——
Miss Louisa Alcorn, a musical lady of New York, gave a dinner to a party of operatic friends. Here is the menu:—
Overture of Blue points.
Soup with vermicelli obligato.
Crabs al largo.
Andante of Veal.
Maccaroni scherzo.
Gavotte of Pork and Beans.
Pepper Sauce allegretto.
Roast Beef maestoso.
Tomato torcata, and bourrée of Yorkshire pudding.
Ducks with accompaniments in P.’s.
Game (in not too high a key).
A symphony in Sweets.
——:o:——
The following was the menu of the Capital Club dinner, held on January 31st 1885.
MENU.
“Man shall not live by bread alone.”—Matthew iv., 4.
[Entries close at 8 o’clock. Open to all members. Start from scratch.]
Oysters.
Bluepoints, double geared. Fluted forks.
Soup.
Volaille au Riz l’Allemande tra la la le.
Fish.
Red Snapper, elliptical backbone, Shrimp sauce.
Hollandaise Potatoes, tandem.
Releve.
Saddle of Southdown mutton, long distance.
Capon braise, a la Toulouse, not too loose.
Entrees.
Filet de Bœuf, piqué, with laced spokes.
Cotelettes de Mouton, with power traps.
Spring Chicken, fried, with noiseless ratchets.
Quail on toast, with rat-trap pedals.
Punch, a la Cardinal, Pope M’f’g Company.
Game.
Canvas Back Duck, buckled, with Croton Waste.
Venison, with Currant Jelly, shrunk on.
Pool, with set ups. Billiards, with ball-bearings.
Salads.
Lobsters narrow-tread. Chicken, with gunmetal hubs.
Vegetables.
Green Peas, droped forged. Sweet Corn, half-nickled.
Baked Mashed Potatoes, on the dead centre.
Stewed Tomatoes, anti-friction.
Dessert.
Tapioca Pudding, non-corrodent sauce.
Assorted Cakes, enamelled and striped.
Strawberry Ice Cream, on one wheel.
Macaroons, Invincible double section hollow rims.
Fruits, sociable. Champagne Jelly, hands-off.
Roquefort Cheese, hill climbing.
Liquors.
French Coffee. Aqua Pura, Glace à la Artesian.
Music by Schrœder.
——:o:——
Prescription for feelin’ bad.
| iii gr. Aquy pury. | ||
| About ¼ pint Whiskii Hyberniæ. | ||
| ⅛ inch Lemoni | } | ad discretionem. |
| iii dr. Lumpi sugari | ||
Mixiter cum crusher.
Directions for application.
Foment the interior of the mouth with ⅛ of the mixture. Shortly after use ⅛ as a gargle, the same to be washed down with the remainder forthwithly.
The Hornet, 1871.
——:o:——
UN-OFFICIAL PROGRAMME
OF THE
LORD MAYOR’S SHOW for 1884.
By Deputy Chaff-Wax.
(This is much too long to be given in full)
The Services of the City Trumpeters will be dispensed with, the Lord Mayor having signified his intention of blowing his own, for which service he is eminently qualified.
Alderman Savory
Will enliven the March by singing scraps of Dr. Watts’ hymns.
Alderman H. T. Waterlow
(the Alphabet Alderman) is to be escorted by the twenty-six electors who made him an Alderman and Magistrate for life!!!
Sir John Bennett and Alderman Hadley
will march arm-in-arm in sack-cloth and ashes doing penance for their presumption.
The Banners of the City Knights will be emblazoned with the new device:—
“REAL TURTLE AND MOCK TITLES”
The Banner of Alderman Teetotum Whitehead bearing the Inscription
“VIDEO MELIORA PROBOQUE DETERIORA SEQUOR.”
Captain Shaw of the Fire Brigade
will attend with his own hose, and if necessary, to restrain the enthusiastic reception of the Lord Mayor, will play upon the people.
BUMBLEDOM
Is to be represented by all the Companies and Parish Beadles and Jacks in office in London, with cocked hats, gold lace, mace, cinnamon, &c.
Banner of Lord Mayor Fowler,
with the device
The motto for Liberals permit me to mention,
“Bradlaugh and Blasphemy” is my invention.
Major Sewell and Sir T. Nelson
Will exhibit the Secret Service Cash Book.
The Splendid Banner of the League, with the device—
“WHY SHOULD LONDON WAIT,”
Borne by Messrs. Firth, Beal, Lloyd, and Phillips.
A Cartoon of Lazarus and Dives representing
On one side—Civic Satraps dining—
On the other, “Out-cast London”—pining.
ONE POLICEMAN ARM-IN-ARM.
The City Marshall on Horseback Singing,
“Let me Like a Soldier Fall.”
A DISSOLVING VIEW
of the odious Coal and Wine Dues,
(The Metropolitan Board doing a Break-down.)
Deputy Bedford,
the City Wag, will join the procession at Temple Bar,
where he will await it on his £12,000 Griffin.
THE WONDERFUL BILL OF THE CIVIC BANQUET WHICH COST £27,000!!!
Will be carried by the Common Councilmen who ate it, to amuse the people who paid for it.
The Sheriffs
will be preceded by the band of the Rueful Brigade, playing
selections from Madame Hang-o’.
The Trophies of our Colonies will be followed by the
TROPHIES of our LONDON SLUMS, followed by NEMESIS!!
The Rt. Hon. Sir Wm. Vernon Harcourt, M.P.,
Will ask the populace at every stoppage
“If they will submit to the dictation of the Leeds Caucus and suffer the Constitution to be tinkered at, while the heart of the Empire is suffering from congestion.”
The Banner of the Union
Will be followed by the 90,000 London Paupers.
THE LATE LORD MAYOR
Will be serenaded by the Vauxhall Water Co.’s Share-holders—“Good Night—Good Knight,” &c.
Lord Mayor Fowler
Will be preceded by a Herald who will announce the fact that his Lordship represents some 200 nobodies and will shine for 12 months in the reflected light of FOUR MILLIONS, but in consideration of his gentleness, dignity, and urbanity, and in the hope that he will be
THE LAST OF THE SHAMS
He must be tolerated accordingly.
This tomfoolery now will be brought to a close in a very appropriate way, sir,
By Alderman Finis and Corpulent Innes, and Alderman Polly Decay Sir.
N.B.—The Chairman of the S. E. Rly. will be an hour behind time.—As usual.
——:o:——
THE LORD MAYORS SHOW, 1884.
Mounted Police clearing five-barred gates. City Police clearing their throats.
The Mayors of Brighton, Ramsgate, and Margate in Bathing
Machines drawn by their own Horses.
A lot of people whom nobody knows in hired flys.
THE COMPANY OF POLITICIANS.
The Premier, Axing his way.
Sir William Harcourt, with Municipal Bill, arm-in-arm.
One hundred Members of the House of Peers, in morning dress.
The old Chain Pier from Brighton in full armour.
The Faithful Wimbledon, Wandsworth and Putney Commons.
THE COMPANY OF PAINTERS.
Twenty Royal Academicians, in beautiful modern costumes, in a chariot Drawn by Themselves!!
THE COMPANY OF WRITERS.
Lord Tennyson, in his Inverness cape and coronet. Professor Ruskin, anyhow.
A round dozen of the Incorporated Society of Authors, assorted.
THE COMPANY OF PLAYERS.
Mr. Toole drawing a House.
Walking Gentlemen coming slowly as “Strollers”
The Jersey Lily and Lyceum Mary, as Sandwich Girls, carrying Somebody’s Soft Soap.
THE COMPANY OF WARRIORS.
Our Only General, in his only uniform.
Our Only Admiral, a little out of date.
Ironclads on horseback. Each mounted on an old screw.
THE COMPANY OF ROYALTIES.
Royalties on Songs, Royalties on Books, Royalties on everything.
Mr. George Grossmith as “The Susceptible Chancellor,”
followed by all The Judges of Wine, of
Pictures, of Plays, and The Judge of the Race
in his own private box.
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR,
as “A Positive,” bearing banner with motto
“Photo de Mieux,”
In his State Robes,
Supported by the Stereoscopic Company.
The Procession will be closed by
A Negative of the Late Lord Mayor
Accompanied by a Band playing “Love for a Year!”
Punch.
——:o:——
HOW THEY’LL OPEN THE INVENTORIES.
Massed Steel Band,
Composed of Eminent Surgeons, playing on their Surgical Instruments.
Tune—“The Savile Row Lancers.”
Specimens of Agricultural Implements, marshalled by a Steam Drill Master.
Steam Ploughs and their Chères, arm in arm.
Thrashing Machines following in the beaten track.
A detachment of Devonshire Hinds (hinder part before).
Delegates from the National Agricultural Labourers’ Union, bearing their own Triumphal “Arch.” Band, playing “The Cameras are coming.”
Photographic Apparatus, focussing and swearing.
Miss Mary Anderson, drawn in a brightly-coloured “carte”
Two Negatives making a Positive.
Two Positivists taking a Negative.
A Photographic Sportsman taking a Fence.
Band, playing “The Harp that once through Tara’s Halls,” and the Tune the old cow died of.
Cue-rious Instruments, headed by two “Jiggers.”
“P-an’-O” Boats, with sales set on the Three Years’ Hire System.
The first pair of “Lyres” ever discovered.
A Predatory Brass Band, playing “Band-ditties.”
Sample of the “Horns” originally exalted in the East.
“Cavendish,” playing “The Last Trump.”
Deputation from the “Portland,” playing little Clubs.
Mr. Charles Warner, singing his “Last Chaunts.”
Gold Band, playing “All round my hat.”
Novel Inventions three abreast.
Miss Braddon and “Ouida” inventing plots.
Padding.
Dramatists inventing Situations.
More Padding.
Hydraulic Presses collecting Water Rates.
Captive Balloonatics (with their Keepers).
Armour-plated “Monitors.” Lent by the King’s College School authorities.
Fountains, playing Handel’s “Water Music.”
A Thames Angler, playing a Fish.
Band of Swindlers, playing False Cards.
Diplomatic Inventions à la Russe.
The latest thing in Despatches Invented by General Komaroff.
Band of Diplomatists, playing the Fool.
Funny Folks, May, 1885.
——:o:——
THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1885.
The following programme originally appeared in The Sporting Times, November 7, 1885. It has been found necessary to abbreviate it, partly because it was too long, and partly because it was too broad.
Next Monday this time-honoured procession will once more perambulate the streets, squares, ponds, reservoirs, and bars of the metropolis. Every one being sick of the Guildhall, it will this year start from Bow Street, passing by the stage-door of the Gaiety Theatre, proceeding through the Gaiety grill room, into Prosser’s Avenue. The procession will then proceed vià Drury Lane Theatre to the Royal, returning by Rules’ in Maiden Lane, down to Romano’s. Thence, if not interfered with by the police, and still sufficiently sober to proceed, it will march to the Criterion, en route for Hatchett’s. After that its course is a trifle uncertain. The order of the procession will be as follows:—
POLICE UNARMED WITH REVOLVERS.
Burglars Beating Police.
Police Armed with Revolvers.
Ambulance Waggons
Containing
Respectable Citizens shot down as Burglars.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF LUMBERERS.
Banner of the Banner of the
Punching Machine. Lord Chief Justice.
The Lumberer’s Band.
Triumphal Car depicting Early English Industries. On this vehicle, kindly lent by the Worshipful Company of Card Makers, will be depicted, as the procession rolls by, the whole Art and Science of faking the broads, cutting longs and shorts, of dealing the long hand, and abundances at Solo.
Welshers who have passed into Tattersall’s.
Welshers who have been chucked while endeavouring to pass into Tattersall’s.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF BAT MAKERS.
Banner of J. L. Shine. Banner of John Coleman.
BANNER OF LADY ARCHIE CAMPBELL.
The Bat Band.
Air: “Batti! Batti!”
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF CHILDREN PROTECTORS.
Banner of Darby. Banner of Stead.
Banner of Booth. Banner of Blobbs.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF TAPEMAKERS.
Banner of the Albert Club.
The Governor of Holloway.
The Governor of Pentonville.
Late Friends of the Governor’s
on
Tickets of Leave.
Present Friends of the Governor’s on Treadmills.
Aldermen who have passed the chair.
Aldermen who have passed the bottle.
Aldermen who have passed nothing.
Banner of Beecham. Banner of Cockle.
Banner bearing motto, “N. S.”
Banner bearing motto, “Refer to Drawer.”
Banner bearing motto, “No Account.”
Banner of Sewage Banner of Billingsgate
Commissioners. Fish Ring.
Banner of Mudsalad Market.
Band of Her Majesty’s Scavengers.
THE LADY MAYORESS SHIFTER
In a Brompton ’Bus,
Attended by Her Landlady.
Banner of the Gaiety Theatre Canteen.
THE LORD MAYOR.
People with People with
Aquiline Noses. Snub Noses.
TRIUMPHAL CAR, representing the Search For Chips
or
“Where is the Oofbird?”
——:o:——
THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1886.
(the Year of the Socialist Scare.)
It is stated that the Lord Mayor’s Show this year will be of an entirely novel character, and will be made up somewhat like this:—
THE CITY MARSHAL,
On horseback, glued to the saddle for the sake of safety.
Detachment of the Light Cavalry of the Very Ancient and Still More Honourable Artillery Company,
Dismounted for fear of accidents.
The Chief Commissioner of the City Police,
Escorted by a detachment of the Social Democratic Federation.
BANNER OF THE UNEMPLOYED.
Band of the United Order of German Musicians.
Banner of the Worshipful Company of City Gorgers.
BANNER OF CHARLES HARRIS, Esq.
Charles Harris, Esq.,
Seated on a triumphal car.
Banner of the Worshipful Company of Scene Shifters.
Band of the Royal Horse Marines. (Green).
Aldermen who have Passed the Bottle.
Aldermen who have not Passed the Bottle,
But have preferred to keep it near them.
Banner of the Worshipful company of Loan Mongers.
BANNER OF COMMISSIONER KERR.
Band of the Royal Dismounted Infantry.
The Right Honourable the Lord Mayor’s Carriage,
Containing the Sword and Mace Bearers, the Lord Mayor being absent on other business.
Escort of the Royal Horse Marines. (Green).
RAG.
TAG.
BOBTAIL.
It has been considered advisable to omit the scriptural quotations from the following reprint:—
COPY OF A BILL WRITTEN BY THE LATE
REV. ROWLAND HILL,
which was stuck up at
RICHMOND,
On Saturday, 4th of June, 1774, close to the Play Bill for that day.
The design was to divert the minds of the gay and dissipated, from the vain amusements of the
THEATRE
And to fix their attention on the awful circumstances which shall usher in, and succeed,
“The Great and Terrible Day of the Lord.”
BY COMMAND OF THE KING OF KINGS,
and at the desire of all who love his appearing.
At the
THEATRE OF THE UNIVERSE
on the Eve of time, will be performed
THE GREAT ASSIZE
or
DAY OF JUDGMENT,
THE SCENERY
Which is now actually preparing, will not only surpass everything that has yet been seen, but will infinitely exceed the utmost stretch of human conception. There will be a just REPRESENTATION of ALL THE INHABITANTS of the WORLD, in their various and proper colours; and their costumes and manners will be so exact, and so minutely delineated, that the most secret thought will be discovered.
This THEATRE will be laid out after a new plan, and will consist of
PIT & GALLERY
only; and contrary to all others, the GALLERY is fitted up for the reception of Persons of High (or Heavenly) Birth, and the PIT for those of Low (or Earthly) Rank. N.B.—The GALLERY is very spacious, and the PIT without bottom.
To prevent inconvenience, there are separate doors for admitting the company; and they are so different that none can mistake that are not wilfully blind. The Door which opens into the GALLERY is very narrow, and the steps up to it somewhat difficult: for which reason there are seldom many people about it. But the Door that gives entrance into the PIT is very commodious: which causes such numbers to flock to it that it is generally crowded. N.B.—The straight Door leads towards the right hand, and the broad one to the left. It will be in vain for one in a tinselled coat and borrowed language to personate one of HIGH BIRTH in order to get admittance into the upper places, for there is One of wonderful and deep penetration who will search and examine every individual and all who cannot pronounce SHIBBOLETH in the language of Canaan, or has not received a white stone and a new name, or cannot prove a clear title to a certain portion of the LAND of PROMISE, must be turned in at the left door.
Act First.
of this grand and solemn piece will be opened by
AN ARCHANGEL WITH THE TRUMP OF GOD!!!
act Second.
PROCESSION OF SAINTS
In white, with Golden Harps, accompanied with Shouts of
Joy and Songs of Praise.
Act Third.
An ASSEMBLAGE of all THE UNREGENERATE, the music will chiefly consist of Cries, accompanied with WEEPING, WAILING, MOURNING, LAMENTATION, and WOE.
To conclude with an oration by
THE SON OF GOD.
After which the Curtain will drop.
Tickets for the PIT, at the easy purchase of following the pomps and vanities of the Fashionable World, and the desires and amusements of the Flesh, to be had at every Flesh-pleasing Assembly.
Tickets for the GALLERY, at no less rate than being converted, forsaking all, denying self, taking up the Cross, and following Christ in the Regeneration. To be had no where but in the word of God, and where that word appoints.
N.B.—No money will be taken at the door, nor will any Tickets give admittance into the Gallery but those sealed by the Lamb.
COMPANY PROSPECTUSES.
Of late years the British public has been surfeited with the Prospectuses of new Limited Liability Companies; needy Lords and retired officers have been in great request for the Boards of Directors, they being precisely the two classes of men least likely to have any knowledge of business, or experience in commercial affairs.
Some of these Prospectuses have been so ridiculous in themselves that they read like burlesques, but numbers of amusing parodies of Company Prospectuses have also been published.
One of the best and earliest of these appeared in Blackwood’s Magazine, October 1845 during the great Railway Mania. It was written by Professor Aytoun, and was styled “How we got up the Glenmutchin Railway, and how we got out of it.”
This detailed the inception of a bogus Scotch Railway, and the prospectus of the Direct Glenmutchin Railway, with a list of the Directors, is one of the finest pieces of humorous writing in the language.
Another amusing parody was brought out some years ago, namely “The Gott-up Hotel Company, Limited,” with Sir Titus A. Drum, Baronet, as Chairman of the Directors.
When the Crown Prince of Portugal visited London in 1883, he went to Claridge’s Hotel, as he had not been invited to any of the Royal Palaces, this caused Mr. Punch to issue the following:—
PROMISING PROSPECTUS.
The Royal and Imperial Homeless and Wandering Visitors Hotel Company (Limited).
The Directors of this unique and magnificently conceived enterprise, undertaken with a view to supplying that now long experienced National want, a suitable palatial residence for Princes and Potentates found wandering in search of a fitting domicile about the back streets of the Metropolis, have much pleasure in informing their intended august Patrons, that their perfectly-appointed establishment will shortly open under the direction of a well-known and experienced retired Central-European Monarch, whose distinguished services they have had the honour to secure.
The following (extracted from the Company’s Abridged Prospectus) comprise a few of the leading features of the new establishment:—
The building will stand on a convenient and imposing site judiciously selected in the immediate vicinity of the Metropolitan District Railway Station, St. James’s Park, and within easy access of the Aquarium, Westminster Bridge, the House of Detention, and the Foreign Office.
There will be no lettered name or title on the façade of the new Hotel, which will, with the object of giving rise to a pleasing illusion, be specially designed by the architect to resemble as far as possible that of a not far distant and generally unoccupied Royal Palace.
A trained and certificated Diplomatist, who can speak several European languages fluently, will be permanently attached to the staff of the establishment, and will give his services gratis.
A couple of effective Sentry Boxes will also be placed at the principal entrance, and occupied permanently by two of the Company’s Private Soldiers, who, dressed in the correct uniform of Her Majesty’s Foot Guards, will be efficiently drilled for their duty.
Gold Sticks in Waiting will attend in the Hall for the purpose of receiving Royal and Imperial Visitors. They will also, if desired to do so, precede them to their respective apartments, walking backwards up-stairs for a small extra charge.
The general scheme of the establishment will include several public Throne and Reading Rooms, A Privy Council Chamber, Gala Banquet Hall, and a series of excellent Billiard and Abdication Tables by the best makers.
In order to meet the requirements of august personages who desire to be surrounded at a reasonable cost with such State accessories as are proper to their dignity and position, the subjoined Tariff of Prices has been carefully arranged by the Management, in the hope that it will be found not incompatible with a charge on the most moderate civil list:—
| Tariff. | |
| Private Royal or Imperial Sitting-Room (per day) | 5s. to 7s 6d. |
| (Ditto, ditto, with throne, 2s. 6d. extra.) | |
| Ditto Bed-Room (exclusive of light) | 3s. to 6s. |
| State Imperial ditto, with half-tester velvetcanopy | 8s. |
| Double-bedded ditto (suitable for two Emperors) | 14s. |
| Breakfast, consisting of Tea or Coffee, withcold Meat, broiled Ham, or Eggs | 2s. 6d. |
| Ditto, ditto, with full Military Band outside | 3s. |
| Chop or Steak, with potatoes | 1s. 6d. |
| Ditto, ditto, with Salvos of Artillery at intervals | 1s. 9d. |
| State Dinner of Soup, or Fish, Entrées, Joint,with Cheese and Celery | 3s. 6d. |
| Ditto, ditto, including Toast-Master and MusicalGrace | 5s. |
| Ditto, ditto, in Uniform, at High Table (ifsingly) | 1s. extra. |
| Gas Illumination on Exterior of Sitting-Room,according to device (per evening) | From 2s. to 10s. 6d. |
| Cup of Tea | 4d. |
| Ditto, on Throne | 6d. |
| Two Lancers to attend Cab or Carriage toTheatre or Reception (for first hour) | 1s. |
| For each succeeding hour | 6d. |
Daily crowd (with cheers), on entering or leaving hotel, by contract.
Strictest attention paid to the slightest International prejudices.
An ultimatum always ready on the premises.
Punch, December 22, 1883.
——:o:——
A few extracts from the
Prospectus of the Horse Shoe Hotel,
Tottenham Court Road, London.
This hotel was built and arranged for the special comfort and convenience of the travelling public.
On arrival, each guest will be asked how he likes the situation, and if he says the hotel ought to have been placed nearer the park or railway station, the location of the house will be immediately changed. Front rooms, on first floor, for each guest.
Bath, gas, hot and cold water, laundry, telegraph, fire escape, restaurant, bar-room, billiard tables, daily papers, sewing machine, grand piano, a clergyman, and all other modern conveniences in every room.
Meals every minute if desired. Waiters of any desired nationality.
Every waiter furnished with a libretto, button-hole bouquets, full dress suits, theatre tickets, the latest tips, and his hair parted down the middle. Every guest will have the best seat in the dining hall, and the best waiter in the house.
Any guest not getting his breakfast red hot, or experiencing a delay of fifteen seconds after giving his order for dinner, will please mention the fact at the Manager’s Office, and the cooks and waiters will at once be blown by Her Majesty’s Horse Guards from the mouth of the cannon.
Children will be welcomed with delight, and are requested to bring hoop-sticks and jack-knives, to bang and hack the carved rosewood furniture, specially provided for the purpose; they will be allowed to thump the piano at all hours, fall down stairs, scream and yell to their heart’s content, carry away dessert enough for a small family in their pockets at dinner, and make themselves otherwise as agreeable and entertaining as the fondest mother can desire. Washing underlinen allowed in all the drawing-rooms.
A discreet waiter, who belongs to the Masons, Odd Fellows, and Women’s Suffrage, and who was never known to tell the truth, has been employed to carry milk punches and hot toddies to the ladies’ rooms in the evening.
The office clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and can play unlimited loo, match worsteds at the shop round the corner, toss for drinks at any hour, day or night, play billiards, a good waltzer, amuse the children, is a good judge of horses, as a railroad reference is far superior to the A B C, Bradshaw’s, or anybody else’s guide, will flirt with any young lady, and not mind being cut dead when “Pa comes down,” don’t mind being damned any more than the Regent’s Canal, can put forty people into the best room in the house when the hotel is full, and answer questions in Greek, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language, at the same moment, without turning a hair.
Dogs allowed in any room in the house, including the w(h)ine room. Gentlemen can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble, tell shady stories, stare at the new arrivals, or indulge in any other innocent amusements in any part of the hotel.
The landlord will always be happy to hear that some other hotel is “the best in the country,” and that his is the very worst.
——:o:——
Dear Jack.
Enclosed Draft Prospectus was got up by one of our “sinners,”[56] and as just now the public will buy any mortal thing, I seriously believe there is coin in the idea. Send the manuscript to the printer, just as it stands, and tell him to set it up and send a few pulls, marked “Private—First Proof,” which I will pass round and get licked into shape.
Yours, old fellow,
Peter Preemium.
P.S.—Keep it quiet.
The Quill Toothpick Attachment Company, Limited.
Messrs Layit Onthick & Co., offer for subscription the undermentioned Capital:
(The subscription list will open on Saturday next at Four o’clock in the afternoon, and will close at five minutes past Nine on Monday morning.)
| Ordinary Shares, £10 each | £5,000,000 |
| Preference 6 per cent. Shares, £10 each | £4,500,000 |
| Total Share Capital | £9,500,000 |
| Debenture Stock bearing interest at 5 per cent. (redeemable at the Company’s option up to the expiration of twenty years from the first of April next (1887) at 110 per cent.) | £3,000,000 |
| £12,500,000 | |
“One-half of the ordinary Shares is reserved for the Vendor, who will hold as long as it suits his convenience, and the remainder, together with the Preference Shares and Debenture Stock, are now offered severally for public subscription at par.
The Quill Toothpick Attachment Company, Limited,
has been formed to supply the whole world with Quill Toothpicks, the interiors of which will be charged with hydraulically compressed drinks, such as the stout of Guinness, the ale of Bass, the champagne of , the whiskey of , the port of , and the sherry of .
Might charge these as advertisements, say £25 each, and cheap enough at the money.
By means of a new forcing machine, which the vendor is now trying to invent, he thinks that a quart of Guinness or a bottle of Champagne can be readily compressed into the interior of a Toothpick, and when in the mouth the contents will be gently and gradually released by the touch of a spring. The Tea of , and the Coffee of will be stored in a similar manner. The Company will grant Royalties to Temperance Societies.
Try Cooper Cooper & Co., and that tinned French Coffee chap—I forget his name—for advertisement. If you can, get some soft soap into the prospectus, Pears’ should be safe for at least £100.
The advantages of the Quill Toothpick Attachment must be apparent to the meanest capacity. For instance, a man is invited out to dine, and finds himself in danger of being poisoned. He pulls out a Toothpick charged with the desired drink, and the morning headache is avoided. Ten thousand Toothpicks charge with - - - - -
Charge £50 for this advertisement.
wonderful brand of champagne will be distributed gratis to the female leaders of society, and it is anticipated that the use of toothpicks will soon become common to both sexes at every meal. As a further development it is anticipated that hosts will soon cease altogether to provide bottled drinks for their guests, and in place thereof will lay in quantities of Toothpicks charged by the Company. The contents of the Toothpicks will in all cases be absolutely guaranteed to be what they are, and this the Directors distinctly guarantee it is impossible to dispute.
The prospects of the Company are exceedingly brilliant. Professor Figuritout has been specially feed for the compilation of the following startling statistics:
“The population of the world,” says the learned Professor, “is in round figures ,000,000,000,” and the Professor stakes his reputation that 00·000 per cent. uses a Toothpick.
Fill in at discretion.
The Company hope to make very large profits out of the Toothpicks themselves, and will at once proceed to open negotiations for the purchase of farms and ranches in the great Sahara of Africa and the vast plains of America for the cultivation of the Anser Vulgaris, or common goose.
The Anser Vulgaris flourishes everywhere, and by gentle persuasion readily and painlessly parts with its feathers, in fact it generally takes some time to discover that anything is wrong. The gander parts less readily, and as a rule the feathers are small and so few in number as to be hardly worth plucking.
There is another well-known and exceedingly strong feathered breed of goose (Anser Stockexchangeiensis) frequenting the numerous runs adjacent Capel Court. This breed parts with no persuasion, in fact at times it courts being plucked, but it has a nasty habit of shortly wanting back again all its own feathers and as many of other people’s as it can possibly grab hold of. Sometimes, but not often, it loses nearly every feather it has got, and then it gently hisses, and horribly blasphemes.”
These Extracts are taken from a Prospectus issued by John Heywood, Manchester, in 1887.
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Numerous burlesque acts of Parliament have been published, the late Albert Smith wrote several which were printed in imitation of parliamentary papers. One was entitled “An Act to amend the laws relating to the giving of Dinner and Evening Parties. Act 1. Cap 1. 1848.”
(Ireland.)
A BILL
intituled,
An Act for the better defence and support of Life of Landlord and Tenant, and to facilitate the Maintenance and Comfort of Persons subject to certain starvation in Ireland.
Preamble.
Whereas there has been always found to be a certain connexion between Misery and Outrage in Ireland; AND WHEREAS, there is no reason to believe that the Irish people have a greater fancy for shooting each other than other people; AND WHEREAS, hitherto every kind of Coercion has been tried without effect, and the only means of preventing outrage that has not been tried is to give the people work and food.
I. Be it enacted that from and after the passing of this Act, it shall and may be compulsory upon every English Cabinet Minister, before he legislates for Ireland, to pay a visit to the same, and learn something of the real state of the people and the country thereof.
II. And be it enacted, that it shall and may be lawful to teach Irish Landlords that Property has its duties as well as its Rights, and that the latter may best be secured by a due and proper discharge of the former.
III. And be it enacted, that from and after the passing of this Act, Milk of Human Kindness be allowed to be imported into Ireland, and used freely in all parts of the same, instead of the Odium Theologicum or Odium Politicum now in use, in lieu thereof.
* * * * *
VIII. And be it enacted, that a compensation not exceeding £ per annum, be paid to Mr. O’Connell and all hired agitators, for the loss they shall sustain by the passing of this Bill.
IX. And be it enacted, that in the construction of this Act, masculine words shall mean feminine, and singular plural; and that all other rules of grammar shall be violated, as in other Acts is usually provided.
From The Almanack of the Month. July, 1846.
In 1862, Carter of Regent Street, London, published “Official Regulations on Female Dress during the International Exhibition of 1862.” This amusing skit was also got up in correct official style.
——:o:——
OFFICE RULES.
1. Gentlemen upon entering will Leave the door wide open, or apologise.
2. Those having No Business should remain as Long as Possible, take a chair, and Lean against the Wall; it will preserve the wall, and may prevent its fall upon us.
3. Gentlemen are requested to Smoke especially during Office Hours; Tobacco and Cigars will be supplied.
4. Talk Loud or Whistle, especially when we are engaged; if this has not the desired effect, Sing.
5. If we are in Business Conversation with anyone you are requested not to wait until we are done, but Join in, as we are particularly fond of speaking to half-a-dozen or more at a time.
6. Profane Language is expected at all times, especially if Ladies are present.
7. Put your feet on the tables, or lean against the Desk; it will be of great assistance to those who are writing.
8. Persons having no Business with this Office will call often or excuse themselves.
9. Should you need the loan of any Money do not fail to Ask for it, as we do not require it for Business Purposes, but merely for the sake of lending.
Our hours for listening to Solicitors for Benevolent Purposes are from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., Book Agents from 1 to 3 p.m., Beggars, Pedlers, and Insurance Agents all day. We attend to our Business at Night.
The Lord helpeth those that help themselves, but the Lord help any man caught helping himself here.
THE MENAGERIE.
(A Burlesque Lecture.)
“Hi! hi! hi! walk up, walk up, walk up! The only show in the fair, the largest and the best! The penny seats are all a penny, the ha’penny seats are four for tuppence! Ladies and gentlemen, we ’ave the most astounding collection of ’uman and animal fernomenons ever exhibited to the public of this or any other town! The pictures on the outside of the carawan ain’t nothink to the marvels to be seen alive within! Give the drum a one-er!
“Before a-inviting of you to enter, and taste the joys of Elysium to be ’ad at the small charge of one penny, I will exhibit to your astonished and admiring gaze a few pictorual illusterations of the wonders to be shortly disclosed to you. Give the drum a one-er!
“The first speciment I shall introduct to your notice is the Spotted Babe of Peru. The infant is so called from being born in the Ratcliffe ’Ighway! It was born at a very early age bein’ quite a child at the time. It had two parients, one male and one female. I should be deludin’ of you, ladies and gents, if I concealed from you the fack that its male parient was its father. The infant is covered all over with spots or specks. There ain’t nothink ketchin’ in the spots or specks. They wos caused by its grandfather ’avin swaller’d a box o’ dominoes in a fit of duleruam tremins. When tormented by the pangs of ’unger, the infant do not gnash ’is toothless gums and ’owl for grub like the ornary babe of commerce, but ’e climbs to the rooft of the carawan, where ’e barks like a dorg! ’Ence the term, ‘Peruvian Bark’! Give the drum a one-er!
“The next speciment I shall introduct to your notice is the O-rang-O-tang! The o-rang-o-tang ain’t a Irish beast, as ’is name might imply. ’E is a celebrated bird of the hinside of Central Africa. ’E do not live on cotton-wool and carster-hile, as is poplerly supposed! Oh, no, that there is a aspershin on the manner of the inseck! ’E climbs aloft to the giddy summat of the Halpine palm-tree, where ’e ’angs upsy-down by the roof of ’is mouth; ketches the prairie-hyster with ’is hyebrows; cracks it with ’is fore’ead; devours the lushus froot; and distriboots the shells among ’is noomerous orfspring! Give the drum a one-er!
The next objek of interest is the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow. The cow is the most dimmestercated of all wile animals. ’E is a oblong beast, in the form of a pork-mantew or fiddle-case on tressels! ’E ’ave a leg on each corner of ’im. ’Is ’ead is at one end of ’is body, and ’is tail is at the other end. The tail-end is oppersite the ’ead-end, onless the animil turns round, then the tail-end is on the ’ead-end! And this confuses the milkmaids! The cow is a useful beast. In our declinin’ days, when we expected every moment to be our nex, we ’ave been soothed and solaced by an excellent and newtrishis jelly prepared from ’is horns, ’is oofts, and ’is tail; or to quote the words of the advertisement, ‘it imparts a pearly lustre to the breath, a kinky curliness to the complexion, a floral flaviour to the eye; is a excellent substertute for a stummick-pump, carefully perpared from the reseat of a nobleum in the country, to imertate which is forgery.’
“I cannot quit the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow, without recalling to your recommemberlection the words of the well-known poet Cowper, which he says:
“‘Twinkle, twinkle, pretty cow,
I thought I ’eard you say mee-yow!
Up above the booth so fly,
Crackin’ winkles on the sly!’
“Give the drum a one-er!
“The last speciment I shall ’ave the pleasure of introducting to your notice is the Cocclicus Indicus, or Prickly Pollywog of the Ipecacuanha Mountains, wot lives entirely on bottled bootjacks, currant jelly, turnip-tops, sarsaparilla, tenpenny nails, toasting-forks, corn-plaister, pot-lids, cabbage water, lemon-squeezers, black-beetle poison, cinder-sifters, soapsuds, silver sand, and postage stamps; until, one day, in a fit of tempory aboration of hinterlek, it swaller’d a sausage machine, two reams of emery paper, a box of matches, and fourteen seidlitz powders, and expired of spontaneous combustion and acute inflermation of the waistcoat pocket linings of the coats of ’is stummick. ’E then expired, and is to be seen alive within. Give the drum a one-er!”
Charles Collette.
On Farming.
(Lecture Written by Mark Twain when a Boy.)
Farming is healthy work; but no man can run a farm and wear his best clothes at the same time. Either the farming must cease while the new clothes continues, or the new clothes must cease while farming continues. This shows that farming is not so clean work as being a Congressman or schoolmaster, for these men can wear good clothes if they can find money to pay for them. Farmers get up early in the morning. They say the early bird catches the worm. If I was a bird, I had rather get up late and eat cherries in place of worms. Farmers don’t paint their waggons when they can help it, for they show mud too quick. The colour of their boots is red, and don’t look like other people’s boots, because they are twice as big. Farmers’ wives have a hard time cooking for hired men, and the hired men find fault with the farmers’ wives’ cooking. Why don’t farmers’ wives let the hired men do the cooking while they do the finding fault? Farmers don’t get as rich as bank presidents, but they get more exercise. Some ask—“Why don’t farmers run for Congress?” They run so much keeping boys out of their peach orchards and melon patches they don’t have any time to run after anything else. If Congress should run after farmers, one might be caught now and then. Lawyers can beat farmers at running for most anything. I know a farmer who tried to run a line fence according to his notion. The other man objected and hurt the farmer. The farmer hired a lawyer to run his line fence, and now the lawyer runs the farmer’s farm, and the farmer has stopped running anything.
——:o:——
Regulations in the United States Navy.
A Buffalo paper prints the following extracts from a manuscript treatise on naval discipline, prepared by the Secretary of the American Navy:—“The custom of sailing before the wind should be avoided, whenever it is possible, as experience has demonstrated that it is much better to wait for the breeze and carry it along, if not too heavy. Commanders of sailing ships-of-war, I have observed, are addicted to the practice of ‘staggering under all they can carry.’ This matter will receive early attention, as the necessity for reform in this direction would seem imperative. When dirty weather is threatened, or when there is reason to suspect breakers ahead, the captain should heave to, or three, but never more than four. In taking on board ammunition, and powder, and shot, and shells and caps, &c., the fore, main, and mizen trucks should be utilised, in connection with the animals belonging to the horse marines. It is deemed best to abolish dog-watches. The practice is believed to encourage idleness among the sailors, and necessitates the keeping on board a number of useless beasts whose presence must be anything but desirable. In the interests of economy, the allowance for captains’ gigs should be withdrawn. It is plain that they are of no real utility on ship-board, and that they are at all times in the way. When on shore the captains can avail themselves of the street railway, or of the facilities afforded by the livery stables. All anchors should be accurately weighed before being taken on board, and the weight plainly marked on each, thereby saving time and trouble when a ship is about to take her departure. All ‘splicing’ should be done by the chaplain, as he is the person upon whom the performance of the ceremony most properly devolves. When sailing in tropical seas, the breeches of the guns should be removed and carefully stowed away, to be replaced when again entering colder latitudes and longitudes. The practice of carrying logs, merely for the purpose of ‘heaving’ them is of questionable propriety, and will form a subject for future enquiry.”
Admiralty Reforms.
The following appointments have recently been created at the Admiralty, to which salaries of £1000 a-year each are attached;
- The Chief Obstructor.
- The Complicator-General of Naval Accounts.
- The Scrutineer of Dockyard Expenditure.
- The Investigator of Expenses of Ships Building.
- The Calculator of Profits by Ships broken up, or lost.
- The Professional Criticizer of the Obstructor’s Vessels.
- The Examiner and Inspector of Contractors and Inventors.
- The Constructor-in-Chief of Revolving Turrets.
- The Insinuator and Receiver of Contracts.
- The Riveter and Contractor-General of Iron Plate.
- The Admirer and Appraiser of Dockyard Work.
- The Inventor and Circulator of Expensive Theories.
- The Detector-General of Fraudulent Contracts.
- The Director of Ingenious and Inexpensive Works.
- The Imposter-General of Stores and Store accounts.
- The Subverter of Official Forms and Precedents.
——:o:——
The Last Arrival.
There came to port last Sunday night
The queerest little craft,
Without an inch of rigging on;
I looked, and looked, and laughed.
It seemed so curious that she
Should cross the unknown water,
And moor herself within my room—
My daughter, O! my daughter!
Yet, by these presents, witness all,
She’s welcome fifty times,
And comes consigned to Hope and Love,
And common metre rhymes.
She has no manifest but this;
No flag floats o’er the water;
She’s rather new for British Lloyds—
My daughter, O! my daughter!
Ring out, wild bells—and tame ones too;
Ring out the lover’s moon;
Ring in the little worsted socks;
Ring in the bib and spoon.
Ring out the muse; ring in the nurse;
Ring in the milk and water:
Away with paper, pens, and ink—
My daughter, O! my daughter!
George W. Cable.
Cumulative Parodies.
There was a young damsel; oh, bless her,
It cost very little to dress her;
She was sweet as a rose
In her every day clothes,
But had no young man to caress her.
* * * * *
There was a young turkey; oh, bless her,
It cost very little to dress her;
Some dry bread and thyme,
About Thanksgiving time,
And they ate the last bit from the dresser.
* * * * *
A newspaper poet; oh, dang him!
And pelt him, and club him, and bang him!
He kept writing away,
Till the people one day
Rose up and proceeded to hang him.
The Detroit Free Press.
