The v. Acte. The ii Sceane.
M. Bayly. Chat. D. Rat. Gammer. Hodge. Diccon.
Bayly. Dame Chat, Master Doctor upon you here complained
That you and your maides shuld him much misorder,
And taketh many an oth, that no word he fained,
Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder;
And on his part againe, that same man saith furder 5
He never offended you in word nor intent.
To heare you answer hereto, we have now for you sent.
Chat. That I wold have murdered him? fye on him, wretch,
And evil mought he thee[728] for it, our Lord I beseech.
I will swere on al the bookes that opens and shuttes, 10
He faineth this tale out of his owne guttes;
For this seven weekes with me I am sure he sat not downe.
Nay, ye have other minions, in the other end of the towne,
Where ye were liker to catch such a blow,
Then any where els, as farre as I know! 15
Bayly. Belike, then, Master Doctor, yon[729] stripe there ye got not!
D. Rat. Thinke you I am so mad that where I was bet I wot not?
Wil ye beleve this queane, before she hath tryd it?
It is not the first dede she hath done, and afterward denide it.
Chat. What, man, will you say I broke you[r] heade? 20
D. Rat. How canst thou prove the contrary?
Chat. Nay, how provest thou that I did the deade?
D. Rat. To plainly, by S. Mary,
This profe I trow may serve, though I no word spoke!
(Showing his broken head.) Div
Chat. Bicause thy head is broken, was it I that it broke? 25
I saw thee, Rat, I tel thee, not once within this fortnight.
D. Rat. No mary, thou sawest me not, for why thou hadst no light;
But I felt thee for al the darke, beshrew thy smothe cheekes!
And thou groped me, this wil declare any day this six weekes.
(Showing his heade.)
Bayly. Answere me to this, M[ast] Rat: when caught you this harme of yours? 30
D. Rat. A while ago, sir, God he knoweth, within les then these two houres.
Bayly. Dame Chat, was there none with you (confesse, i-faith) about that season?
What, woman? let it be what it wil, tis neither felony nor treason.
Chat. Yea, by my faith, master Bayly, there was a knave not farre
Who caught one good philup on the brow with a dore barre, 35
And well was he worthy, as it semed to mee;
But what is that to this man, since this was not hee?
Bayly. Who was it then? Lets here!
D. Rat. Alas sir, aske you that?
Is it not made plain inough by the owne mouth of Dame Chat?
The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tong can not lye, 40
Onely upon a bare nay she saith it was not I.
Chat. No, mary, was it not indeede! ye shal here by this one thing:
This after noone a frend of mine for good wil gave me warning,
And bade me wel loke to my ruste,[730] and al my capons pennes,
For if I toke not better heede, a knave wold have my hennes. 45
Then I, to save my goods, toke so much pains as him to watch;
And as good fortune served me, it was my chaunce hym for to catch.
What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gaines,
I wot not, but sure I am he had something for his paines!
Bayly. Yet telles thou not who it was.
Chat. Who it was? a false theefe, 50
That came like a false foxe my pullaine[731] to kil and mischeefe!
Bayly. But knowest thou not his name?
Chat. I know it; but what than?
It was that crafty cullyon Hodge, my Gammer Gurtons man.
Bayly. Cal me the knave hether, he shal sure kysse the stockes.
I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks! 55
D. Rat. I marvaile, Master Bayly, so bleared be your eyes;
An egge is not so ful of meate, as she is ful of lyes:
When she hath playd this pranke, to excuse al this geare,
She layeth the fault in such a one, as I know was not there.
Chat. Was he not thear? loke on his pate, that shal be his witnes! 60
D. Rat. I wold my head were half so hole; I wold seeke no redresse!
Bayly. God blesse you, Gammer Gurton!
Gammer. God dylde you,[732] master mine!
Bayly. Thou hast a knave within thy house—Hodge, a servant of thine;
They tel me that busy knave is such a filching one,
That hen, pig, goose or capon, thy neighbour can have none. 65
Gammer. By God, cham much ameved,[733] to heare any such reporte!
Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have[734] him in that sort.
Chat. A theevisher knave is not on live, more filching, nor more false;
Many a truer man then he hase hanged up by the halse;[735]
And thou, his dame,—of al his theft thou art the sole receaver;[736] 70
For Hodge to catch, and thou to kepe, I never knew none better!
Gammer. Sir reverence[737] of your masterdome, and you were out adoore,
Chold be so bolde, for al hir brags, to cal her arrant whoore;
And ich knew Hodge as bad as tow,[738] ich wish me endlesse sorow
And chould not take the pains to hang him up before to morow! 75
Chat. What have I stolne from the or thine, thou ilfavored olde trot?
Gammer. A great deale more, by Gods blest, then chever by the got!
That thou knowest wel, I neade not say it.
Bayly. Stoppe there, I say,
And tel me here, I pray you, this matter by the way,
How chaunce Hodge is not here? him wold I faine have had. 80
Gammer. Alas, sir, heel be here anon; ha be handled to bad.
Chat. Master Bayly, sir, ye be not such a foole, wel I know,
But ye perceive by this lingring there is a pad[739] in the straw.
(Thinking that Hodg his head was broke, and that Gammer wold not let him come before them.)
Gammer. Chil shew you his face, ich warrant the; lo now where he is!
Bayly. Come on, fellow, it is tolde me thou art a shrew, iwysse: 85
Thy neighbours hens thou takest, and playes the two legged foxe;
Their chickens and their capons to, and now and then their cocks.
Hodge. Ich defy them al that dare it say, cham as true as the best!
Bayly. Wart not thou take within this houre in Dame Chats hens nest?
Hodge. Take there? no, master; chold not dot for a house ful of gold! 90
Chat. Thou or the devil in thy cote—sweare this I dare be bold.
D. Rat. Sweare me no swearing, quean, the devill he geve the sorow!
Al is not worth a gnat thou canst sweare till to morow: E
Where is the harme he hath? shew it, by Gods bread!
Ye beat him with a witnes, but the stripes light on my head! 95
Hodge. Bet me? Gogs blessed body, chold first, ich trow, have burst the!
Ich thinke and chad my hands loose, callet, chould have crust the!
Chat. Thou shitten knave, I trow thou knowest the ful weight of my fist;
I am fowly deceved onles thy head and my doore bar kyste.
Hodge. Hold thy chat, whore, thou criest so loude, can no man els be hard. 100
Chat. Well, knave, and I had the alone, I wold surely rap thy costard!
Bayly. Sir, answer me to this: is thy head whole or broken?
Hodge.[740] Yea, Master Bayly, blest be every good token,
Is my head whole! Ich warrant you, tis neither scurvy nor scald!
What, you foule beast, does think tis either pild or bald? 105
Nay, ich thanke God, chil not for al that thou maist spend
That chad one scab on my narse as brode as thy fingers end.
Bayly. Come nearer heare!
Hodge. Yes, that I dare.
Bayly. By our Lady, here is no harme,
Hodges head is whole ynough, for al Dame Chats charme.
Chat. By Gogs blest, hou ever the thing he clockes or smolders,[741] 110
I know the blowes he bare away, either with head or shoulders.
Camest thou not, knave, within this houre, creping into my pens,
And there was caught within my hous groping among my hens?
Hodge. A plage both on the hens & the! A carte, whore, a carte!
Chould I were hanged as hie as a tree and chware as false as thou art! 115
Geve my gammer again her washical[742] thou stole away in thy lap!
Gammer. Yea Maister Baily, there is a thing you know not on, mayhap;
This drab she kepes away my good, the devil he might her snare!
Ich pray you that ich might have a right action on her [fare].
Chat. Have I thy good, old filth, or any such old sowes? 120
I am as true, I wold thou knew, as skin betwene thy browes!
Gammer. Many a truer hath ben hanged, though you escape the daunger!
Chat. Thou shalt answer, by Gods pity, for this thy foule slaunder!
Bayly. Why, what can ye charge hir withal? To say so ye do not well.
Gammer. Mary, a vengeance to hir hart! the whore hase stoln my neele! 125
Chat. Thy nedle, old witch? how so? it were almes thy scul to knock!
So didst thou say the other day that I had stolne thy cock,
And rosted him to my breakfast, which shal not be forgotten;
The devil pul out thy lying tong and teeth that be so rotten!
Gammer. Geve me my neele! As for my cock, chould be very loth 130
That chuld here tel he shuld hang on thy false faith and troth.
Bayly. Your talke is such, I can scarce learne who shuld be most in fault.
Gammer. Yet shall be find no other wight, save she, by bred and salt!
Bayly. Kepe ye content a while, se that your tonges ye holde.
Me thinkes you shuld remembre this is no place to scolde. 135
How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, Dame Chat thy nedle had?
Gammer. To name you, sir, the party, chould not be very glad.
Bayly. Yea, but we must nedes heare it, and therfore say it boldly.
Gammer. Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly,
Even he that loked on—wil sweare on a booke— 140
What time this drunken gossip my faire long neele up tooke,
Diccon, master, the Bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.
Bayly. A false knave, by Gods pitie! ye were but a foole to trow him.
I durst aventure wel the price of my best cap,
That when the end is knowen, all will turne to a jape. 145
Tolde he not you that besides she stole your cocke that tyde?
Gammer. No, master, no indede; for then he shuld have lyed.
My cocke is, I thanke Christ, safe and wel a fine.
Chat. Yea, but that ragged colt, that whore, that Tyb of thine,
Said plainly thy cocke was stolne, and in my house was eaten. 150
That lying cut[743] is lost that she is not swinged and beaten,
And yet for al my good name, it were a small amendes!
I picke not this geare, hearst thou, out of my fingers endes;
But he that hard it told me, who thou of late didst name,
Diccon, whom al men knowes, it was the very same. 155
Bayly. This is the case: you lost your nedle about the dores,
And she answeres againe, she hase no cocke of yours;
Thus in you[r] talke and action, from that you do intend,
She is whole five mile wide, from that she doth defend.
Will you say she hath your cocke?
Gammer. No, mary,[744] sir, that chil not, 160
Bayly. Will you confesse hir neele?
Chat. Will I? No sir, will I not.
Bayly. Then there lieth all the matter,
Gammer. Soft, master, by the way!
Ye know she could do litle, and she cold not say nay.
Bayly. Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock stealing,
Wil not sticke to make another, what time lies be in dealing. 165
I wene the ende wil prove this brawle did first arise Eii
Upon no other ground but only Diccons lyes.
Chat. Though some be lyes, as you belike have espyed them,
Yet other some be true, by proof I have wel tryed them.
Bayly. What other thing beside this, Dame Chat?
Chat. Mary syr, even this. 170
The tale I tolde before, the selfe same tale it was his;
He gave me, like a frende, warning against my losse,
Els had my hens be stolne eche one, by Gods crosse!
He tolde me Hodge wold come, and in he came indeede,
But as the matter chaunsed, with greater hast than speede. 175
This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.
Bayly. If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort.
D. Rat. By Gods mother, thou and he be a cople of suttle foxes!
Betweene you and Hodge, I beare away the boxes.
Did not Diccon apoynt the place, wher thou shuldst stand to mete him? 180
Chat. Yes, by the masse, and if he came, bad me not sticke to speet[745] hym.
D. Rat. Gods sacrament! the villain knave hath drest us round about!
He is the cause of all this brawle, that dyrty shitten loute!
When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made a ruful mone,
I heard him sweare that you had gotten hir nedle that was gone; 185
And this to try, he furder said, he was ful loth; how be it
He was content with small adoe to bring me where to see it.
And where ye sat, he said ful certain, if I wold folow his read,
Into your house a privy way he wold me guide and leade,
And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clowte, 190
And set me in the backe hole, therby to finde you out:
And whiles I sought a quietnes, creping upon my knees,
I found the weight of your dore bar for my reward and fees.
Such is the lucke that some men gets, while they begin to mel
In setting at one such as were out, minding to make al wel. 195
Hodge. Was not wel blest, Gammer, to scape that stoure?[746] And chad ben there,
Then chad been drest,[747] be like, as ill, by the masse, as Gaffar Vicar.
Bayly. Mary, sir, here is a sport alone; I loked for such an end.
If Diccon had not playd the knave, this had ben sone amend.
My gammer here he made a foole, and drest hir as she was; 200
And Goodwife Chat he set to scole, till both partes cried alas;
And D[octor] Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare.
I wold the knave had ben starke blind, if Hodg had not his share.
Hodge. Cham meetly wel sped alredy amongs, cham drest lik a coult!
And chad not had the better wit, chad bene made a doult. 205
Bayly. Sir knave, make hast Diccon were here, fetch him, where ever he bee!
Chat. Fie on the villaine, fie, fie! that makes us thus agree!
Gammer. Fie on him, knave, with al my hart! now fie! and fie againe!
D. Rat. Now "fie on him!" may I best say, whom he hath almost slaine.
Bayly. Lo where he commeth at hand, belike he was not fare! 210
Diccon, heare be two or three thy company can not spare.
Diccon. God blesse you, and you may be blest, so many al at once.
Chat. Come knave, it were a good deed to geld the, by Cockes bones!
Seest not thy handiwarke? Sir Rat, can ye forbeare him?
Diccon. A vengeance on those hands lite, for my hands cam not nere hym. 215
The horsen priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewyves chayres
That his head wolde not serve him, belyke, to come downe the stayres.
Bayly. Nay, soft! thou maist not play the knave, and have this language to!
If thou thy tong bridle a while, the better maist thou do.
Confesse the truth, as I shall aske, and cease a while to fable; 220
And for thy fault I promise the thy handling shalbe reasonable.
Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the eares?
Diccon. What if I have? five hundred such have I seene within these seven yeares:
I am sory for nothing else but that I see not the sport
Which was betwene them when they met, as they them selves report. 225
Bayly. The greatest thing—Master Rat, ye se how he is drest!
Diccon. What devil nede he be groping so depe, in Goodwife Chats hens nest?
Bayly. Yea, but it was thy drift to bring him into the briars.
Diccon. Gods bread! hath not such an old foole wit to save his eares?
He showeth himselfe herein, ye see, so very a coxe, 230
The cat was not so madly alured by the foxe
To run into the snares was set for him, doubtlesse;
For he leapt in for myce, and this Sir John for madnes.
D. Rat. Well, and ye shift no better, ye losel, lyther, and lasye,
I will go neare for this to make ye leape at a dasye.[748] 235
In the kings name, Master Bayly, I charge you set him fast.
Diccon. What, faste at cardes, or fast on slepe? it is the thing I did last.
D. Rat. Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet, according to thy deedes.
Bayly. Master Doctor, ther is no remedy, I must intreat you needes
Some other kinde of punishment. Eiii
D. Rat. Nay by all halowes 240
His punishment if I may judg, shal be naught els but the gallous.
Bayly. That ware to sore, a spiritual man to be so extreame!
D. Rat. Is he worthy any better, sir? how do ye judge and deame?
Bayly. I graunt him wort[h]ie punishment, but in no wise so great.
Gammer. It is a shame, ich tel you plaine, for such false knaves intreat! 245
He has almost undone us al—that is as true as steele,—
And yet for al this great ado cham never the nere my neele!
Bayly. Canst thou not say any thing to that, Diccon, with least or most?
Diccon. Yea, mary, sir, this much I can say wel, the nedle is lost.
Bayly. Nay, canst not thou tel which way that nedle may be found? 250
Diccon. No, by my fay, sir, though I might have an hundred pound.
Hodge. Thou lier, lickdish, didst not say the neele wold be gitten?
Diccon. No, Hodge, by the same token, you were[749] that time beshitten
For feare of Hobgobling—you wot wel what I meane;
As long as it is sence, I feare me yet ye be scarce cleane. 255
Bayly. Wel, Master Rat, you must both learne and teach us to forgeve.
Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so cleane shreve,
If ye to me conscent, to amend this heavie chaunce,
I wil injoyne him here some open kind of penaunce,
Of this condition (where ye know my fee is twenty pence): 260
For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispence;
Ye shal go quite, so that ye graunt the matter now to run
To end with mirth emong us al, even as it was begun.
Chat. Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confes to be your detter,
And al we that be heare present, wil love you much the better. 265
D. Rat. My part is the worst; but since you al here on agree,
Go even to, Master Bayly! let it be so for mee!
Bayly. How saiest thou, Diccon? art content this shal on me depend?
Diccon. Go to, M[ast] Bayly, say on your mind, I know ye are my frend.
Bayly. Then marke ye wel: To recompence this thy former action,— 270
Because thou hast offended al, to make them satisfaction,—
Before their faces here kneele downe, and, as I shal the teach,—
For thou shalt take an[750] othe of Hodges leather breache:
First, for Master Doctor, upon paine of his cursse,
Where he wil pay for al, thou never draw thy purse; 275
And when ye meete at one pot he shall have the first pull,
And thou shalt never offer him the cup but it be full.
To Goodwife that thou shalt be sworne, even on the same wyse,
If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twise.
Thou shalt be bound by the same, here as thou dost take it, 280
When thou maist drinke of free cost, thou never forsake it.
For Gammer Gurton's sake, againe sworne shalt thou bee,
To helpe hir to hir nedle againe if it do lie in thee;
And likewise be bound, by the vertue of that,
To be of good abering to Gib her great cat. 285
Last of al, for Hodge the othe to scanne,
Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.
Hodge. Come, on, fellow Diccon, chal be even with thee now!
Bayly. Thou wilt not sticke to do this, Diccon, I trow?
Diccon. Now, by my fathers skin! my hand downe I lay it! 290
Loke, as I have promised, I wil not denay it.
But, Hodge, take good heede now, thou do not beshite me!
(And gave him a good blow on the buttocke.)
Hodge. Gogs hart! thou false villaine, dost thou bite me?
Bayly. What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee or ever he begin?
Hodge. He thrust me into the buttocke with a bodkin or a pin! 295
I saie, Gammer! Gammer!
Gammer. How now Hodge, how now?
Hodge. Gods malt, Gammer Gurton!
Gammer. Thou art mad, ich trow!
Hodge. Will you see the devil, Gammer?
Gammer. The devil, sonne! God blesse us!
Hodge. Chould iche were hanged, Gammer—
Gammer. Mary, se, ye might dresse us—
Hodge. Chave it, by the masse, Gammer!
Gammer. What? not my neele, Hodge? 300
Hodge. Your neele, Gammer! your neele!
Gammer. No, fie, dost but dodge!
Hodge. Cha found your neele, Gammer, here in my hand be it!
Gammer. For al the loves on earth, Hodge, let me see it!
Hodge. Soft, Gammer!
Gammer. Good Hodge!
Hodge. Soft, ich say; tarie a while!
Gammer. Nay, sweete Hodge, say truth, and do not me begile! 305
Hodge. Cham sure on it, ich warrant you; it goes no more a stray.
Gammer. Hodge, when I speake so faire; wilt stil say me nay?
Hodge. Go neare the light, Gammer, this—wel, in faith, good lucke!—
Chwas almost undone, twas so far in my buttocke! Eiv
Gammer. Tis min owne deare neele, Hodge, sykerly I wot! 310
Hodge. Cham I not a good sonne, Gammer, cham I not?
Gammer. Christs blessing light on thee, hast made me for ever!
Hodge. Ich knew that ich must finde it, els choud a had it never!
Chat. By my troth, gossyp Gurton, I am even as glad
As though I mine owne selfe as good a turne had! 315
Bayly. And I, by my concience, to see it so come forth,
Rejoyce so much at it as three nedles be worth.
D. Rat. I am no whit sory to see you so rejoyce.
Diccon. Nor I much the gladder for al this noyce;
Yet say "gramercy, Diccon," for springing of the game. 320
Gammer. Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O how glad cham!
If that chould do so much, your masterdome to come hether,
Master Rat, Goodwife Chat, and Diccon together,
Cha but one halfpeny, as far as iche know it,
And chil not rest this night till ich bestow it. 325
If ever ye love me, let us go in and drinke.
Bayly. I am content, if the rest thinke as I thinke.
Master Rat, it shal be best for you if we so doo;
Then shall you warme you and dresse your self too.
Diccon. Soft, syrs, take us with you, the company shal be the more!
As proude coms behinde, they say, as any goes before!
But now, my good masters, since we must be gone,
And leave you behinde us here all alone;
Since at our last ending thus mery we bee,
For Gammer Gurtons nedle sake, let us have a plaudytie!
Finis. Gurton. Perused and alowed, &c.
Imprinted at London
in Fleetestreate beneath the Conduite,
at the signe of S. John Euangelist, by
Thomas Colwell
1575.