MORE HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING
Perhaps the Americans are ahead of us in advertising; but there is no little enterprise and good humour displayed in that business on this side the Atlantic. In the street of a northern town one day, the writer was presented with a handbill which will bear comparison with many such transatlantic compositions. It was issued by a tea merchant, whom we will refer to as “Smith.” In great black letters was the heading, “Ananias Redivivus,” then came the pointed queries, “Had Ananias any descendants? If so, what became of them? Did they emigrate to Scotland?” From the contents of the bill I take the following, which, I should state, was “displayed” in a most effective manner—
The judge says the resetter is as bad as the thief.
Smith says the foolish buyer is as bad as the lying advertiser.
The judge says, no resetters, fewer thieves.
Smith says, no foolish buyers, no lying advertisers.
Why? Because, if there were no fools, it wouldn’t pay.
Thus the resetter is only responsible for some of the thieves; but the stupid, foolish buyer is entirely responsible for all the lying advertisers; and by dealing with them becomes a participator with them in their wickedness, which brought such disastrous consequences upon Ananias.
But the way to know them is this—Use all the common-sense you have been blessed with, and when you read such an advertisement as—“Best tea the world produces, 1s. 7d. per lb.,” if you don’t say the advertiser is a common, bare-faced perverter of the truth, a lineal descendant of Ananias, one with whom poor old Ananias would not have had the ghost of a chance for boldness and audacity, then you have been blessed with very little.
But did it pay Ananias? Will it pay his descendants?
Here is a text for our popular preachers. I have actually heard well-dressed, intelligent-looking people praise such men as clever; as if it were clever to tell a lie, a game at which the biggest rogue can beat the best gentleman.
Lately the Chinese objected to the government planting a certain kind of tree in their streets. When asked the reason, they said it would spoil their business, as it was one of their holy trees, and they could not tell a lie under its shade.
AN AWFUL APPARITION!
Mrs. T. (to T., who has been reading the popular novel). Pray, Mr. Tomkins, are you never coming upstairs?
How much longer are you going to sit up with that Woman in White?
A few trees of this sort wanted in the streets of Glasgow.
Now, although not under the shade of a holy tree, I speak the truth when I most emphatically declare that my tea at 1s. 6d. per lb. is better than that sold as the “best tea the world produces, 1s. 7d. per lb.”
We have in the foregoing an instance of a disciple of the good George Washington airing his Biblical knowledge, and in the same way we find a Birmingham bootmaker parading his acquaintance with the divine Shakespeare thus wise—
“I pray you, sir, walk in.”—Merry Wives of Windsor, ii. 5.
“And I will boot thee.”—Ant. and Cleo., i. 1.
“We lay our service freely at your feet.”—Hamlet, ii. 2.
Why does not some cobbler making use of the bard’s writings thus—“All that I live by is with the awl. I meddle with no tradesman’s matters nor women’s matters but with awl. I am, indeed, sir, surgeon to old shoes; when they are in great danger I recover them.” [Trade journals please copy.]
These shoemakers would appear to be quite a literary lot, for in a certain east coast town of Scotland an enterprising member of the craft enlisted the tuneful muses to extol his trade—or, mayhap, it was some relative of the poet “Slum” who rolled his eye in a fine frenzy, and produced these exquisite lines—
Gae bring my auld topcoat, guidwife,
Gae bring it unco fast,
For I maun gang to Marshall’s shop
Afore the nicht be past;
My feet are damp, my boots are dune,
An’ sae I canna rest
Till I’m awa’ to Marshall’s shop,
For Marshall’s boots are best.
The English papers, like their American contemporaries, are rich in amusing advertisements of the “wants” class. Here is one that appeared in a newspaper published in a university town, which probably accounted for the “scholarly” tone of the notice—
Missing.—A black spaniel dog named “Blen,” whose owner’s address is—— It is asserted by some that Honesty is the Best Policy, and that Virtue is its own Reward. If the present possessor of the dog supports this view, his course is clear. In any case, no greater reward will be offered.
HOW NO. 4 ENJOYED HIMSELF.
HOW NO. 7 SUFFERED IN CONSEQUENCE.
THE MUSICAL NEIGHBOUR.
GENTLEMAN, WISHING TO REFER TO THE CATALOGUE OF THE BRITISH MUSEUM, IS SHOWN A VERY SMALL PORTION OF THAT WORK.
Professor. Of course you will be prepared with your analytical papers?
Undergraduate. Anna Lettical? I don’t know her, sir; but I know a capital song about Annie Laurie, if you’d like to hear that!
The gentleman who inserted the following in a London daily, and desired replies to be sent to “Disgusted,” had apparently experienced the joys of life in lodgings—
Required, in the West End, for a permanency, sitting and two large bedrooms, nicely furnished. Do not reply if related to the nobility, unaccustomed to receive, or animated by any other reason than a desire to secure the amount paid for apartments, etc. Marketing done personally. Careless or unskilled preparation, waste, or mysterious disappearance of the things provided not tolerated. So-called musical evenings, cheerful family, tennis lawns, imitation gardens, select society, etc., regarded with indifference. Hypocrisy and snobbishness disliked. Preferred and insisted upon instead—good cooking, prompt attendance, scrupulous neatness, and a plentiful supply of clean house linen. A written agreement to be made and mutually complied with. State inclusive terms and full particulars. N.B.—Inclusive terms means “no extras.”
A London weekly once gave insertion to the appended notice, evidently the work of a wag, and intended as a skit upon a rather romantic episode which transpired about the time, when a lady played kidnapper, and a member of the sterner sex figured as the kidnapped—
Matrimony.—Wanted, a rich American or English lady to kidnap advertiser, who is of fine physique and well developed, in fact, a Samson, who would not mind a trip with comfortable quarters on board a yacht during the honeymoon, especially if the lady is amiable. Genuine.
This recalls an advertisement from an otherwise-minded young man. It appeared in an American paper—
A young gentleman on the point of getting married is desirous of meeting a man of experience who will dissuade him from such a step.
Probably some one referred this cautious youth to Punch, of a certain date, where the proper advice was given.
