“THE TABLE-BOOK AND TRAVELLERS’ JOY.”
THE RUSTIC AND THE LACKEYS.
A rustic desirous to see the King, thinking he was more than man, put his wages in his pocket and took leave of his master. But the pennies soon melted away on the long journey to the capital. Having arrived and seen the King, whom he found to be a man like himself, he was so disgusted at having spent upon this all his money excepting half a real, that a tooth began to ache, and what with hunger tormenting him too he did not know what to do, for he said to himself, “If I have the tooth drawn, and give my half real for that, I shall die of hunger; while, if I eat the half real, my tooth will go on aching.” As he was thus debating he approached a pastrycook’s stall, and gazed with longing eyes at the tarts displayed. By chance two lackeys were passing by, who, seeing him so taken up with the pastry, cried out, to make sport—
“Hola, rustic, how many tarts would you venture to make a meal of?”
“By heavens! I could swallow fifty.”
“Go to the devil!” said they.
“Gentlemen,” he replied, “you are easily frightened.”
Upon which they offered to lay a wager.
“Done,” said the rustic; “if I don’t eat fifty, you can draw this tooth,” and he pointed to the one that ached.
“THE OTHERS, MAKING VERY MERRY, BADE A BARBER DRAW THE TOOTH.”
All parties pleased, the countryman, very much to his taste, began whetting his teeth upon the tarts. When his hunger was satisfied he stopped, saying, “Gentlemen, I have lost.” The others, making very merry, indulged in much laughter, bade a barber draw the tooth—though at this our friend feigned great grief—and the more to jeer at him cried out to the bystanders—
“Did you ever see such a fool of a clown as to lose an ivory to satiate himself with tarts?”
“Yours is the greater folly,” retorted he; “you have satisfied my hunger and drawn a grinder which has been aching all the morning.”
The crowd burst out laughing at the trick the rustic had played upon the lackeys, who, paying the pastrycook and barber, turned their backs and went away.
THE CONTRARY WIFE.
A tambourinist had so contrary a wife, he never could get her to do anything he asked. One day, on their way to a wedding, at which he was to play, she was riding an ass and carrying his tambourine, and he cried out, as they were fording a river, “Woman, don’t play the tambourine, for you’ll frighten the ass.” No sooner said than she began thrumming; the ass, shying, lost its footing, and threw our dame into the river; while the husband, however much he wished to help her, could do no good. Seeing she was drowned, he went up-stream in search of her body.
“My good fellow,” said a looker-on, “what are you seeking?”
“My wife,” replied he, “who is drowned.”
“And you are looking for her up-stream, friend?”
“Oh, yes, sir, she was always contrary.”
“THE ASS, SHYING, LOST HIS FOOTING, AND THREW OUR DAME INTO THE RIVER.”
AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.
Matters came to such a pass between a husband and wife—who, having married against their will, lived a cat and dog life—that the husband one day gave his spouse a box on the ears, whereupon she, knowing he had a few days before killed a neighbour, began, without the least caring about the issue, to raise her voice, crying, “Seize the villain; he wants to kill me as he did So-and-so.” Somebody heard her, and the man was accused, and, in accordance with his own confession, condemned to be hanged. On his way to the gallows he begged to be allowed to speak with his wife. She came, and he stopped on the road; but the good woman, eager to see the last of his days, cried, “Husband, why stop still? Let us walk while we talk, and lose no time.”
CHASTISE WITH GOOD WORDS.
An honest husband, so ill-starred as to have married a troublesome widow, beat her with a light stick, whereupon she went and complained to her kinsfolk. The latter reprehended her husband, bidding him not treat his wife thus, but chastise her with good words. This he said he would do, whereupon the skittish widow conducted herself much worse. The good fellow, not to break his promise, took a cudgel, into which he cut the Pater Noster on one side, and the Ave Maria on the other, and when she misbehaved herself beat her with that. The wife renewing her complaints, her relations came to tell him he had ill kept his word. “Not so, friends,” replied the young man; “I have done what you bade me, and only chastised her with good words; read what is written on the cudgel.”
“READ WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THE CUDGEL.”
THE ACCOMMODATING FARMER.
A farmer who had on his land a fig-tree, on which several poor wretches had from time to time done away with themselves, determined to fell it as a thing of evil omen; but before so doing sent a cryer through the town: Should any one wish to hang himself on that fig-tree, he was to make up his mind within three days, for it was going to be cut down.
THE ACCOMMODATING LORD.
As a great lord was dining, his servants at the sideboard turning their backs, there entered a thief, who took one of the best dishes on the table, and, seeing the master of the house looking at him, signed to him to keep quiet, and made off. When the dish was found missing, the lord said, “A thief took it, I saw him do so.”
“Then why didn’t your lordship cry out?”
“Oh, he bade me be quiet.”
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
A chaplain devouring a fine roast pigeon at an inn was asked by a fresh arrival to let him eat with him and he would pay his share. This was refused, and the pedestrian sat down and ate his dry bread, saying afterwards, “Know, reverend sir, you by tasting, and I by smelling, have both eaten the pigeon, although against your wish.”
“If that is so, you must pay your part of the pigeon,” replied the chaplain.
The chaplain insisting, the other refusing, they finally made the village sacristan judge between them. The sacristan, asking what the bird cost, was told half a real, and then made the pedestrian disburse a farthing, which he took and rang on the table, saying, “Reverend sir, inasmuch as he ate by the smell of the pigeon, consider yourself paid by the sound of the money.”
THE BEST HOUR TO DINE.
A great nobleman asked certain physicians what was the best time of the day to dine. One replied, at ten; another, at eleven; another, at noon. The oldest said, “My lord, the perfect hour for dining is for the rich man when he feels inclined, for the poor man when he has something to eat.”
THE BEST WIFE IN THE WORLD.
A certain Valencian dame, a very good wife, had one fault: at times she wagged her tongue more than was needful. One evening at a ball she was seized with faintness, and they ran for her husband, telling him his wife had lost her speech. “Let her alone! Let her alone!” said he. “If this lasts, she’ll be the best wife in the world!”
A PIOUS WISH.
A captain, when in Flanders, being robbed of some half-boots made to measure for his feet, which were maimed and crooked, exclaimed, upon discovering his loss, “Please God, they may fit the rogue who stole them!”
A country squire, who had killed a crane, bade his cook roast it. As his master was late to dinner, the cook ate one leg, and when the bird was sent up to table and the other leg asked for, he replied cranes only had one leg. Out shooting cranes another day with his master, he said, “See, sir, they only have one” (for the bird raises one when standing). “S-s-s-s-t!” cried the Squire, and the cranes flew up, each showing two legs. “Oh!” exclaimed the cook, “if you had said ‘S-s-s-s-t!’ to the one on the dish, he would also have brought out his other leg.”
“‘s-s-s-t!’ CRIED THE SQUIRE, AND THE CRANES FLEW UP.”
An old man, jealous of his pretty young wife and a certain friend of his, a merchant and widower, fell ill of a mortal disease. Knowing his case was hopeless, he said to his wife, “You know, my dear, that I cannot escape this deadly sickness; what I beg of you is, if you care to please me, that you will not marry that friend of mine, who often comes to the house, and of whom I have been somewhat jealous.” “Dear husband,” replied she, “even if I wished, I could not, for I am already engaged to somebody else.”
An old bachelor, having married at seventy, was reproached by his friends for having committed a folly, and replied they said true: Man with years loses his prudence; when he was a young man, and had any, he never could be induced to marry.
An astrologer, whose wife was with child, cast the horoscope of the unborn infant and discovered two sons would be born to him, and that the first would be a cutpurse, the second a murderer. This so grieved him that he was unable to conceal his sorrow, which being perceived by his wife, was unburdened to her. “There is a cure for this case,” said she. “We will make the first a purse-maker, and he will cut purses; the second a butcher, and he can slay oxen.”
A village maiden, driving before her an ass, which, as it was returning to its foal, went quicker than the girl, met a courtier. “Where do you live, my pretty maiden?” “At Getafe,” replied she. “Tell me, do you know the daughter of the innkeeper in that village?” “Very well,” replied she. “Then be so kind as to take her a kiss from me!” “Give it to my donkey, sir; she’ll get there first.”
A father sending his son to study at Salamanca, bade him eat the cheapest food. The youth on his arrival asked the price of an ox, and was told ten ducats; then of a partridge, and was told a real. “Oh!” said he, “then I am bidden to eat partridges!”
Two friends, a weaver and a tailor, became in time enemies, so much so that the tailor spoke much evil of the weaver behind his back, though the weaver always spoke well of the tailor. Upon a lady asking the weaver why he always spoke so well of the tailor, who spoke so ill of him, he replied: “Madam, we are both liars.”
Two thieves were breaking into a door when the master of the house, hearing them, looked out of the window and said: “Friends, come a little later, we are not yet in bed.”
“THEN BE SO KIND AS TO TAKE HER A KISS FROM ME.”
A man of evil life and fame having built a beautiful house, had inscribed on the lintel: “Let no evil cross this threshold.” A wit reading it, said, “Then wherever does the master of the house enter?”
A knight having received a dish of cherries early in the season, had them placed before him above the dais. His children, a bastard and a legitimate son, were seated at another table apart, and seeing they got no cherries, the bastard up with his hand and soundly boxed his brother’s ears. “How now, you villain,” said the father, “why did you do that?” “Because, sir, he kept on saying, ‘You won’t get any cherries, you won’t.’” Upon which the father, much amused, gave some to both.
“YOU WON’T GET ANY CHERRIES, YOU WON’T!”
A prince had a jester who kept a book of fools, in which he put everybody deserving that title. One day at table the prince asked the jester to bring him the book, and opening it saw his own name, and below, “His Highness, on such a day, gave fifty ducats to an alchemist with which to go to Italy and bring back materials for making gold and silver.” “And what if he returns?” said the Prince. “Oh, then she will scratch out your Highness and put him in.”
A collegian of the Archbishop of Seville’s college was one day at table overlooked by the prebendary who doles out everybody’s rations. Somewhat embarrassed as to how he should ask for his food, he suddenly observed a cat mewing in front of him, which he addressed in a loud voice so that the prebendary might hear, “Why the deuce are you mewing and licking your chops at me? I have not yet got my rations, and you must needs already begin bothering me for the bones.”
A Biscayan, just finished working on the belfry in a small town, where there chanced to be a man condemned to death, was told by the authorities that, as they had no executioner, they would give him a ducat and the condemned man’s clothes to do the job, with which our Biscayan was well content. A few months after, finding himself penniless, and remembering how much he had gained by so light a task, he climbed the belfry, and when the townsfolk hurried by upon the pealing of the bells, he looked down at them, saying: “Gentlemen, it is I have called your worships. You must know I have not a blessed farthing, and you remember you gave me a ducat the other day to hang a man. Now I have been thinking that, from the smallest to the biggest of your worships, I should like to hang the whole town at half a ducat each.”
A blind man hid some money at the foot of a tree in a field belonging to a rich farmer. Visiting it one day he found it gone, and suspecting the farmer, went to him and said, “Sir, as you seem an honest man, I have come to ask your advice. I have a sum of money in a very safe place, and now I have just as much more, and do not know if I should hide it where the other is, or somewhere else.” The farmer replied, “Truly, if I were you, I would not change the place, it being as safe as you say.” “That’s just what I thought,” said the blind man, and took his leave. The farmer hurriedly put back the money, hoping to get it doubled, and the blind man in his turn dug it up, greatly rejoicing at recovering what he had lost.
Juan de Timoneda (fl. 1590).
“I SHOULD LIKE TO HANG THE WHOLE TOWN AT HALF A DUCAT EACH.”