SO WAGS THE WORLD
BY ANNE WARNER
(With apologies to Samuel Pepys, Esquire)
February first
My birthday and I exceedingly merry thereat having in divers friends and much good wine beside two pasties and more of all than we could eat and drink had we been doubled. Afterwards to the play-house and a very good play and hence to a supper the which most hot and comforting with a butt of brandy and divers cocktails and they being very full did make great sport and joke me that I had never taken a wife to which replied neatly saying that for my part in my twenties did feel myself too young and in my thirties did never chance upon one comely and to my taste at which great applause and pretty to see me bow to right and left although in mortal fear lest something give way, I being grown heavier of late and the quality of cloth suffering from the New York Custom House. The applause being over did continue my speech and say that in my forties had had little time to think of aught but my own personal affairs, but that now being come to my fifties was well disposed to share them and they did all drink to that and smash their glasses with right good cheer prophesying my marriage and drinking long life to Her and me and Lord but it did like me to hear speak of Her the which brought tears to mine eyes, considering that they did speak of my wife, and so did weep freely and they with me. My mind then a blank but home in some shape and the maid did get me to my room and what a head this morning! Misliketh me much to bethink me how I did comport myself, but a man is fifty but once.
To mine office where did buy and sell as usual.
February third
Comes H. Nevil in a glass coach to take me to drive and did talk much of his niece, she being fresh from France and of a good skin and fair voice. Was of a great joy to ride in a glass coach and pleasant to look constantly out backward, but great rattling and do think my modest brougham sufficeth me well, but H. Nevil very disdainful of the brougham and saith a man is known by the company he keepeth, the which strange in mine eyes we being alone together in the coach but did go with him to a horse dealer's.
To mine office as usual and there did buy and sell.
February eighth
To dine with H. Nevil and his wife and she a monstrous pleasant lady and the dinner good only the wine poor and my vest too tight which vastly misliked me, I being loth to grow stout and yet all at odds with my belts, the which trying me sadly for I do pay my tailor as many do not. And the niece a striking fine girl modest and not raising her eyes the which much to my taste and drinking only lambs-wool and at cards knowing not tierce from deuce. H. Nevil making great ado over my new coach did have it out with pride and we to the Country Club for a late supper, the which well-cooked but my vest much tighter and so home and to bed.
Railway stocks risen two points.
February twentieth
Did take a box at the Play and ask H. Nevil, his wife and niece and a supper afterwards and pretty to see how miss did refuse mine eyes and hardly speak two words, the which greatly to my admiration and after supper did lead her to the coach and press her hand with curious effect to mine own hair, the which strange and prickly and home and much thinking on the merry talk at my birthday before sleep.
Stocks falling somewhat.
March nineteenth
Much agitated and all trembling and of a cold sweat. The Lord have mercy and me all unwitting until in some strange way do find myself today betrothed the which I do heartily pray to be for the good of all concerned, although expensive and worse to come.
No heart for stocks, but the same arising.
April sixteenth
Do find the being betrothed more to my taste than anticipated and tell H. Nevil he shall be remembered with pointers when the market turns again. We to the park to drive each afternoon and many admiring of her beauty, she desiring often to drive but I firm in refusing for I will be master in my own house.
Comes one Lasselle and makes a great tale of a mine and I with no time for him, but do set the office boy to look him up in Bradstreet.
These be busy days with a corner on parsnips.
May tenth
The business of being director in Lasselle's mine ended this day and to a great dinner that he giveth in my honor and my portrait on all the cards the which pleaseth me mightily and I all complimented and congratulationed and sly hints on my approaching marriage to the which I all smiles for Lord the thing being done one must be of good courage.
Quotations low, beshrew them.
June seventh (the Mountains)
Married this day and to do in a turmoil wheat being all a-rage and me forced to go home to dress before noon. Did scarce know where I was with Extras being cried outside the church window and H. Nevil giving the bride away and on the wrong side of the market by my advice. The bride hystericky in the carriage and at the station wept so that I was fair beside myself. Did bethink me to kiss her in the train, but small comfort to either. What will become of my affairs I know not, this place being all without stock reports and I half mad and with naught to pass the time.
Comes my wife as I write and will have the key to her largest trunk the same it doth appear is lost, the which on discovery she layeth at my door and weepeth afresh. Did strive to cheer her but with a heavy heart.
August tenth
This do be the hottest summer in many years and lest I forget to set it down more mad dogs than can well be handled. My wife very hystericky and forever in a smock and declareth she would be dead and married life a delusion, the which opinion I take small issue with having my hands full of business and Lasselle forever at my heels with our affair of the mine not to speak of H. Nevil which waileth continually over how he was caught short in the month of June. Beshrew me if I repent not of June on mine own behalf but am determined to live properly and so have despatched a messenger to my cousin Sarah Badminton asking that she come to keep mine house.
August twentieth
Comes Sarah Badminton this day and Lord but a plain woman, being flat like unto a board from her heels up unto her head, but curiously shaped in and out in front. Still she do seem a worthy jade and good at heart and ever attentive when I will to converse and sitteth with me of a breakfast my wife being ever asleep till ten.
Last night to the Play where comes Lasselle and makes very merry and telleth jokes the which of great amusement to my wife while I find no mirth therein. Later to supper at the coffee house and my wife exceedingly witty and me all of a wonder at the change in her in public and on reflection do find it passing strange that one ugly like Mistress Badminton will effort her to be gracious at home while one so handsome as my wife sleeps ever.
To my office where did buy and sell as usual.
September sixteenth
My wife not well and strangely indisposed towards me yawning unduly and complaining that life is dull, yet gay enough for others and of a great joy over riding horseback with Lasselle. Last night did chide her in bed for upwards of an hour and misliked me greatly when I had done to find that she slept for some while before. Will have the doctor to her for there be surely something amiss in a woman who is not happy with me.
To my office and H. Nevil all excitement over his margins.
October twenty-ninth
Returned this day from a trip to the Coast and find my wife no better although the doctor hath been with her each day. She saith the doctor adviseth quiet until spring. Comes Mrs. Badminton her face all awry and will that I go with her to Carlsbad and my affairs so many as never was and never any lover of the sea. That which causeth me great vexation that I have a wife and say flatly to Mrs. Badminton to ask the doctor if he can not take her to Carlsbad any money being wiser than to travel with oats where they be now and chicken feed going up to beat the band, at which the good woman raiseth her hands aloft and maketh such demonstration that I clean out of patience and basted her with the fire shovel the same being not courteous but sadly necessary to all appearance.
November sixth
My wife most nervous and there being no peace with Her did discuss the same with Lasselle to-day and although unmarried yet did sympathize much and advise for me with a right good will telling me of a place in southern France where he hath been and the same beyond all else for the nerves only lonely but that not so bad since he proposeth going there this winter himself and can see after my wife somewhat the which greatly to my relief and so home and did discourse thereon with Mistress Badminton the which drew a long face and plain to see was dead against the plan the which putting me in a fine temper with what a woman hath for brains.
Wheat rising and A. B. & C. going down comes H. Nevil short to borrow the which crowneth my fury his niece being so far from making me happy and he being the cause of all. But did indorse two notes for him and so home and to bed with a bad grace and glad that my wife has betaken herself to another room.
December ninth
From the dock and my wife do be gone and now we may look for some peace the which sad enough needed.
December tenth
Comes H. Nevil all distraught to say that it is about at the clubs that my wife will have a divorce and marry the doctor, on the which hearing I much annoyed and summon Mrs. Badminton who denyeth the doctor but asserteth Lasselle whereupon we in a great taking and much brandy and soda but at last reflection and do decide not to sue but to pity Lasselle for of a verity she be forever out of temper and flounceth when questioned.
To mine office and D. & E. going up comes H. Nevil to borrow again the gall of which doth take me greatly.
January seventeenth
Am all of a taking for that the papers in my wife's divorce do be filed into me this day and great to do when I learn that the cause she declareth is Sarah Badminton a woman as little comely as never was and mine own cousin. Verily the ways of a wife be past understanding.
April eleventh
Free this day and being free comes Mrs. Badminton weeping and declareth she be ruined if I marry her not next the which doth so overcome me that ere I have time to rally she hath kissed me and called me hers.
To my office with a heavy heart having no assurance of how this second marriage will turn out and little hope but seeing H. Nevil with a long face did refuse to give him any inside information the which led to his going under about noon to my great joy for it was he who did get me in this marrying habit.
February first
My birthday and Lord what eating and drinking the which being good beyond compare my wife staying in the pantry to keep the whole in trim and all my friends discoursing on my joy the which is truly great she being so plain that a man will never look at her and so loving that she adoreth me come smiles come frowns.
But that which doth astonish me much is that H. Nevil telleth me that she that was once my wife is of exceeding content with Lasselle a piece of news which I can scarce credit comparing him with myself.
THE PAINTERMINE[3]
BY KENYON COX
Its innocence deserves no jibe—
Pity the creature, do not mock it.
'Tis type of all the artist tribe;
Its trousers haven't any pocket!